MIL driving me insane re breastfeeding

[RLou3]

Please help! My MIL seems to be obsess with me stopping breastfeeding! I'm 4 months pp and EBF. She didn't BF any of hers (apparently tried but they were too hungry....) anyway - every-time I see her, she asks "how much longer you going to keep this up" referring to breastfeeding MY baby! Goes on about how it causes a child to become too needy on the mother and will end up that my child grabs at my b00bs or demands "b00b" I am
Becoming SO aggravated now! Why would she be so obsessed with me stopping!!! Why does she care!!!! I find it so strange that I find myself lost for words and i don't really say much back... but then get home and become so angry at myself for not having a good come back!!! All she is doing is encouraging me to keep going and going! My child will be 10 before I stop at this rate!!!!! Any ideas on why she is so obsessed?! Or how I can deal with this?! Thanks v much!!

Ok. Whilst you absolutely need to stick to your guns re breastfed you need to be open and honest with her. "MIL I have chosen to breastfeed. Please accept this decision. It's non negotiable fir my child" or something.
You need to tell her how you feel.

Although this comment made me sad -
the thought of her having alone time and playing mum with my baby makes me shudder!!!

She is the grandma. The "playing mum" bit aside, why can she not have some alone time with your baby in between feeds?
Do you let her cuddle the baby?

I'd be heartbroken if my dil was denying me some time with my grandchild.

I get that you are irritated with her but maybe she will back off a bit of you allow her some cuddles. Maybe you do already. You've not said.?

@gurnnine oh no - of course I let her cuddle my baby!! I am just so fed up with the comments that the thought of her playing mum with my baby makes me uncomfortable!! This is not an attack just because she's my MIL. She's usually OK - but seems to have this obsession with me stopping breastfeeding

I've got it!
Go to your nearest public health clinic and ask for LOADS of flyers about the benefits of breastfeeding.

Every time, and I mean EVERY time she asks or mentions about you breastfeeding, whip out one of the flyers (better still if you put some sort of number on them before you hand them out to her so you can keep a tally on it) and hand it to her.
Explain that you thought she had forgotten about the benefits of breastfeeding and you got her some information on it.

Keep doing it. Have a few in your handbag/baby changing bag so that they are always to hand and ready to be handed out.

If she mentions it and you don't have your handbag nearby or any of the flyers/leaflets (for example if you're mid-feeding time) when you've finished, jump up and say "Hang on, I've something to give you" and hand one over to her.

Every.

Single.

Time.

Speaking from experience, if you let her batter you with her ignorant views on breastfeeding now then you are setting a dangerous president and this will be only the first of many many facets of your family life she’ll expect to get a say in. I know it can be uncomfortable but you need to nip this in the bud and put her in her place. If she genuinely cares about her grandchild she wouldn’t be eager to deprive the of the most deeply nourishing and physiologically important stage in his or her life. My MIL was like this about breastfeeding, I didn’t realise at the time but now I know it was a control thing and she wanted baby off the breast as she wanted to be able to waltz off with her for extended periods of time, feed her herself, have her overnight etc (none of that happened much to her fury). It’s just selfishness and ignorance, I would have zero tolerance.

@BudgeSquare

I also had a MIL who thought my baby was hers. She pretty much said so. It was grim and horrible and I still remember it all vividly now.

You have to try to stand up for yourself more. I know it's difficult.

Ask her why she thinks she knows better than the world health organisation.

Reply that you will breastfeed your child for as long as you want to.

Say sympathetically that you are sorry she regrets not being able to breastfeed her children.

Ask her why she is so obsessed with your breasts - is it because she was breastfed for too long?

Ask her why she is so obsessed with your breasts - is it because she was breastfed for too long? This is vulgar and totally unnecessary.

[quote RLou3]@Carboncheque she can hope/ think all she likes! But no! My baby will not be staying there overnight! [/quote]
That's not solely up to you though? Your child is just as much your husband's as they are yours I'm afraid. You don't get to completely rule out your baby staying there

[quote RLou3]@LindyLou2020 she did once ask me if I felt comfortable just getting my b00b out whenever and wherever! To which I responded "oh yes, I don't worry about that at all"

But I don't think it's that! From all of the other posters - I'm realising that this is definitely because she wants to feed the baby! And probably wants alone time with just her and the baby! Which angers me even more! How selfish!!! I feel so lucky to be able to EBF! But she would rather it end, so that she can potentially have alone time!!!! [/quote]
I would wait to find out what the actual reason is. You can't just decide based on a load of strangers comments on the internet, what her reasoning is! Then begin calling her selfish. That's out of line

[quote RLou3]@Lockdownbear the thought of her having alone time and playing mum with my baby makes me shudder!!![/quote]
So that's what this is all about! You just don't like her! Well I'm sorry but she's the child's grandmother whether you like it or not!

Some of these responses do assume your mil has bad intentions, dont be harsh with her now if there might not be a bad reason. If she "failed" to bf her dc, she might be finding it hard to see you finding it easy.

When she asks when you are planning on stopping, you could try something like "I dont want to put a date on it as I don't want a target that I'll feel a failure if I miss by stopping earlier, or a point when I get to it, it doesn't suit [baby] to stop then. It working for now, so we'll keep going until it doesn't."

I really think it's a generational thing. Can you text her or something later and ask her not to mention it again?

@BiscuitLover09876

I really think it's a generational thing. Can you text her or something later and ask her not to mention it again?

Why on earth would it be generations? Do you think the current cohort of mums invented breastfeeding?

You don't get to completely rule out your baby staying there
Er, yes she does. The baby’s home is with its parents by default. For the baby to stay elsewhere overnight has to be by agreement of both parents. For at least as long as the OP is breastfeeding at night she can veto the baby staying overnight elsewhere, and frankly beyond that. Equally, her husband can veto overnights. What he can’t do is say “My baby too! Off we pop all night to my anti-tit mother’s whether you like it or not.”

You don't get to completely rule out your baby staying there

Actually, if op is breastfeeding then she most certainly does get to completely rule it out.

My MlL is exactly the same, for my first children she kept trying to ‘recommend’ the brand of formula she used with her kids and then looking blankly when I said I wasn’t using formula so it wasn’t relevant. And repeat. This time round she keeps asking how long I’m planning to breast feed for and even suggested that I should express and bottle feed that way.

I think they just want to be the one to feed the baby. It’s weird and rude and makes me feel really unsettled. I just ignore my MIL when she asks about it, just walk away or pretend not to hear the questions.

And to echo the posters above, a mother absolutely gets to veto her baby being parted from her for any length of time, overnight or not, and regardless of whether the baby is breastfed or not!

[quote RLou3]@Lockdownbear the thought of her having alone time and playing mum with my baby makes me shudder!!![/quote]
Yip I can totally get it.
The more they go on about it, the more you distrust them. Its a really weird thing that you can't shake off.

I kept getting told the same blinking story of how her first baby wasn't getting enough....GP said give a bottle....reality the baby was probably cluster feeding and there was a general lack of knowledge about it at the time.

The generation who gave birth during and post war were encouraged to bottle feed for work / economy reasons. Therefore a whole bunch of BFing knowledge that would have been passed from one generation to the next was completely lost.

*@PumpkinsandTea

That's not solely up to you though? Your child is just as much your husband's as they are yours I'm afraid. You don't get to completely rule out your baby staying there*

Of course she does! 😆. This is laughable. It would be a cold day in hell before ANYONE dictated where my young, exclusively breast fed baby (although the breast feeding aspect is irrelevant) slept overnight.

I emailed my MIL with a thousand links about breastfeeding...because she was so clearly interested... 😜

@stargirl1701 - good one.

I actually wish I'd handled the whole MIL thing a lot better.
The constant pressure wasn't good however it turned me into a 30 something rebel and kept me going with BFing. I skipped the teenage stage.

@Lockdownbear my mum was born 1960 and she didn't BF me or my brother who she had when she was 25 so 1985.
She said it wasn't the done thing at the time. Babies were taken in the trolleys to a different room, the new mums stayed in the ward for 5 days and got rest and food. Babies were fed formula and it didn't even sound like the mums did the feeding with the bottles!

I was actually lucky with my MIL because she BF DH until he was 2 and her daughter until she was 3 so she couldn't really say anything.
My mum on the other hand was just totally bemused at the whole thing but then she did witness midwives milking my breast and onto a teaspoon etc and me walking around traumatised with my boobs just hanging out.
God what a time that was 🤦

When my mum had me in 1970 she was told to take 'her pill' straight after giving birth. No discussion. The pill was to stop her milk. Mum (a doctor) refused and got a lot of hassle from the midwife/nurse on the ward.

The pressure not to breastfeed was strong then but doesn't ok your MIL behaviour.

You should just ask her why she is so obsessed with you breastfeeding. Ask her if she is jealous then tell her to shut up about it as it’s none of her business.

@DownToTheSeaAgain but why were they so determined to not have women breastfeed their babies?

The op most certainly get to decide about overnights... Her dh doesn't get to put his dm's wants over his dw's feelings and the needs of their dc.... Dc don't need sleepovers with dgm..