MIL driving me insane re breastfeeding

[RLou3]

Please help! My MIL seems to be obsess with me stopping breastfeeding! I'm 4 months pp and EBF. She didn't BF any of hers (apparently tried but they were too hungry....) anyway - every-time I see her, she asks "how much longer you going to keep this up" referring to breastfeeding MY baby! Goes on about how it causes a child to become too needy on the mother and will end up that my child grabs at my b00bs or demands "b00b" I am
Becoming SO aggravated now! Why would she be so obsessed with me stopping!!! Why does she care!!!! I find it so strange that I find myself lost for words and i don't really say much back... but then get home and become so angry at myself for not having a good come back!!! All she is doing is encouraging me to keep going and going! My child will be 10 before I stop at this rate!!!!! Any ideas on why she is so obsessed?! Or how I can deal with this?! Thanks v much!!

She may be trying to make herself feel better about something she was unsuccessful at. If she makes breastfeeding into a negative action it casts her experience of mothering her babies in a more positive light.

Come down on any further questions firmly. It is fine to show your anger with someone that does not respect boundaries.

Just a suggestion, but how about asking her if she breastfed?
If she didn't. Ask her why not?
If she did, ask her how long for? And why?

I wouldn't normally do this, but there are issues around people who didn't passing on stereotypes to other women.

We have the lowest breastfeeding rates amongst many countries.

And attitudes like this have influenced this negatively.

Or also tell her there is a helpline she can phone called the
La Leche League to discuss her issues about it.

I was going to say something along the lines of what @DumplingsAndStew did but as they've already mentioned the level of freedom in relation to words that MN will permit, I no longer have to.

My way to tackle this is to find a question that you already know the answer to about something that your DH does. Ask him the question. Over and over and over again.
When he comes out with the shite that he says his mother is only asking and you'll go ahead and do whatever you want irrespective of what she thinks, then repeat that back to him.

For example, if he is in to cycling, keep asking him why he doesn't wear pink lycra cycling shorts. Every time he goes out for a cycle. He probably would never wear pink lycra cycling shorts (guessing here) so keep asking. When he says "Why do you keep asking me about why I'm not wearing pink lycra cycling shorts?" say "Is it driving you mad when I do because that's how I feel when your mother keeps asking me about breastfeeding our child" and see if the penny drops.
Sometimes it's a case of roleplaying in order for our other half to see what is so irritating.

You could say you ask me that every time you see me. Why is that?
Or you ask me that every time you see me. Do you think my answer will change?
Or why are you obsessed with how I feed my baby?
Or you have asked me this question so many times. Please stop. I will bf for as long as I want and can.
Or do you want me to stop breastfeeding because you think you can take my baby if they are formula fed? Because I have to tell you that even if I did ff, I wouldn't be allowing that until baby is much older
Or does it bother you that I bf because you didn't? Please don't feel that way, both choices are fine.

Or look X, I am really sick of you asking this question. Please don't ask again. It feels like you are trying to bully me.
Or oh just fuck off will you! 😁 (Maybe just think that)

Oh my god mothers in law are so annoying! Definitely just ignore and do what you want! It’s your baby x

Turn it into a game, make a bet with your husband about how many times she'll bring it up.

Tell your MIL very openly that you are betting on her talking about you breastfeeding at least 100 times in the next month.

Encourage her, "please carry on MIL I'm currently on track to win, and DH you're such a LOSER, your mother has brought up breastfeeding AGAIN, WHOOP WHOOP!!"

Clap and cheer every time she does it. Bring out a tally chart and make a line.

Make it something that neither she nor DH can deny and that you can have some fun with.

Explain to everyone else in the vicinity what you're doing, encourage them to place bets on how many times she'll mention breastfeeding this week/month/year.

She'll stop after a while of you doing that.

I like the "I will add a month on for every time you ask me!" reply.

I would get her as many leaflets about breast feeding as I could and give her one every time she mentions it.

Keep up the good work and don’t let her grind you down. I would consider spacing out the visits and let her know you’ll come more frequently when she drops it.
Alternative pack up and go home every time she mentions it even if you just got there. Sit in car around the corner if baby was mid feed. Cause and effect should drop into her brain after a couple of times.

I wouldn't be surprised if she is still feeling a bit guilty about not breastfeeding her own children, so by attempting to persuade you to stop breast feeding it would re-inforce her choices even if they were years ago.

"why are you obsessed with what I do with MY boobs!?"

God that'd drive me bonkers. I fed mine until they were 3 and 2. 5 respectively, including a 6 month period of tandum feeding and towards the end I felt constantly on guard in case anyone commented. No one did thankfully, possibly because I can be quite bolshy strong opinioned. I also made it clear from the start that I planned to bf until they self weaned and that I didn't want anyones opinion on the subject. I would give your husband one chance to make her back off and then I'd tell her myself to sod off.

Get some info and pamphlets on the benefits of breast milk, and every time she mentions it launch into a lecture about why you’re breast feeding. As if she’s genuinely asking from a point of ignorance. And needs your guidance.

She wants to feed your baby and have alone time / play mum.

Start asking her awkward questions back

@Lockdownbear the thought of her having alone time and playing mum with my baby makes me shudder!!!

I have zero patience for this bullshit. What world are we in where you would ask MN instead of just telling your MIL to politely go do one? And freeze her out for being a terrible shit

every-time I see her, she asks "how much longer you going to keep this up" referring to breastfeeding MY baby! Goes on about how it causes a child to become too needy

I’d turn it round on her when she asks this. Say ‘how much longer are you going to keep asking me the same question.’ Babies and children do ‘need’ their mum, it’s normal. Tell your husband he needs to tell his mother to back off as you’ll say something much harsher.
‘Just wondering’ my arse! He’s ok with you being pissed off rather than his mother being upset...don’t stand for it.

She sounds very overbearing and from your last comment it sounds like you don’t really like her very much. That’s allowed, you don’t need to like your MIL, and you also don’t need to spend much time with her if you don’t want to. Let your DH deal with her, visit only when he’s free to be a buffer between the two of you. Would he tell your MIL to back off if you asked him?

My MIL refused to allow me to breastfeed in her living room despite all of her own daughters being allowed to do so, it's her house so fair enough. I had to go upstairs and perch on one of the beds which gave me horrendous backache. We visited frequently and I swear this added to me severe PND. My husband stood up for me but she refused to back down.

When I had my second child. I flatly refused to go to her house as I wasn't going to go through that again. So she rarely saw my second until she was old enough not to need feeding as frequently. I really wish I'd done this with my first. So if you're able to, I'd refuse to visit for the time being. I know that's easier said than done though. Good luck .

My mil once asked when I was going to give my 2 week old a 'bottle of milk' - I asked did she mean my expressed milk - 'no, formula'. My son was huge and piling the weight on. I replied 'I'm not and questions like that could make someone feel inadequate!' I was seething! She's also made comments about him feeding every 2hrs in the early weeks. We fed for 16 months. She hasn't asked with DD, she's just turned one and still feeding. Just tell her straight. I think because I was so tired and hormonal, I was more abrupt as I thought how dare she.

We get on like a house on fire, btw. I just have to pull my weight at times and she backs off completely.

@CopperLily

My MIL refused to allow me to breastfeed in her living room despite all of her own daughters being allowed to do so, it's her house so fair enough. I had to go upstairs and perch on one of the beds which gave me horrendous backache. We visited frequently and I swear this added to me severe PND. My husband stood up for me but she refused to back down.

When I had my second child. I flatly refused to go to her house as I wasn't going to go through that again. So she rarely saw my second until she was old enough not to need feeding as frequently. I really wish I'd done this with my first. So if you're able to, I'd refuse to visit for the time being. I know that's easier said than done though. Good luck .

What a wicked woman! Your DH should've said we aren't coming then.

She wants to feed your baby. She may also feel like she failed / feels inferior to how well you’re doing with it, so it’s a defence mechanism.

If have a curt response of "as long as me and baby are happy to"

And if she continues to ask I'd get my husband to tell her to stop asking.
If it's no big deal, he should be happy to say that

It would do my head in

@CopperLily

My MIL refused to allow me to breastfeed in her living room despite all of her own daughters being allowed to do so, it's her house so fair enough. I had to go upstairs and perch on one of the beds which gave me horrendous backache. We visited frequently and I swear this added to me severe PND. My husband stood up for me but she refused to back down.

When I had my second child. I flatly refused to go to her house as I wasn't going to go through that again. So she rarely saw my second until she was old enough not to need feeding as frequently. I really wish I'd done this with my first. So if you're able to, I'd refuse to visit for the time being. I know that's easier said than done though. Good luck .

It doesn't sound like he stood up for you 🤔

Squirt milk at her!

Or, failing that, send her something on the benefits of breastfeeding www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/breastfeeding/benefits/

Every time she asks, tell her to read it again.

I think sometimes, older women don't want to know that the way they did it was not current advice or the optimum way because they don't want to think they did anything but the best for their babies, even if it was nearly 40 years ago.