Someone else’s child - how would you feel?

[excitednerves]

Parent A and parent B have crossed paths a few times, been chatting and exchanged numbers. They have similar(ish) aged children. After a couple of meet ups, it becomes clear that parent A’s child (age 2) has some developmental issues - doesn’t talk, doesn’t respond to being told to stay close or to come back etc, very active and constantly on the move.

If you were parent B (assuming parent A and B like each other) what would you think? That parent A should have told you / explained about their child? That the child seems like a bit of hard work and probably isn’t worth catching up in future? Doesn’t matter if you like parent A?

Maybe you can work out which parent I am but I’m interested in how you’d feel?

excitednerves if it helps at all my non-talking 2 year old whirlwind has mostly calmed down into an enthusiastic, eloquent 10 year old (still needs more exercise than the dog though) who has plenty of friends and is very well liked. She still tends to ignore instructions like slow down, stop, bed time, she's learning some impulse control finally which does help but it's taken a lot more time than I expected.

Don’t you want your child mixing with a child that has a disability?

I didn't say that - just that I don't get much time with my 2 year old so when I do, I am prioritising spending it with kids he enjoys playing with/doing things he wants to do. Which might include playing with a child with a disability but if a child wasn't really able to interact with him, that wouldn't be a priority for me on my one day off a week with him.

I don't really view my day off with my 2 year old as about making friends for me. Of course if someone actively wanted my support and was finding things hard, I would do what I could.

To be honest I wouldn’t see it as any of my business, if the kids got along and seemed to enjoy the visits I would just carry on.

I would only ‘say something’ if I felt a child was being neglected etc. But I wouldn’t ‘expect’ an explanation as to why a small child behaved in a certain way or seemed a late developer, no.

I would think at age 2 all children are at different stages of development. They are only at the very beginning of choosing their own friends. If I liked the parent, I definitely would persue the friendship.

If I liked and got on well with parent A it wouldn't matter a bit about the DC's behaviour. If our DC's clashed I would try to meet up somewhere like park or soft play where less intense/more to distract kids.
Child A's behaviour doesn't sound too unusual for a 2 yo - my DS1 had a speech delay, if it reassures you any he is 9 now and speech totally fine. He was 3 before he'd say more than 1 or 2 words (mostly inspired by Thomas the Tank Engine!)

@MattyGroves I completely get what you are saying and I agree. The disability bit is irrelevant it's about whether the kids get on and your child is enjoying their time together

At 2 years old I wouldn’t worry but a lot of parents often do give people a heads up probably out of fear people will judge them for having a badly behaved child.

If a child is in the shop having a melt down some people might think it’s because they’re spoilt and not getting their own way, whereas if someone told you they had a special need then people tend to me more understanding and patient.
I actually think we all have some type of SEND but some of us are just higher on the spectrum than others.
I personally wouldn’t judge you whether you said anything or not.

It depends.
If the parents (both of them) are accepting of the differences, and work together to find ways of making meeting up work for everyone, I'd stay in touch.
If the other parent was adamant that it was their way or the highway, I'd take the highway.

Well, having been a version of Parent A and a version of Parent B I can confidently say that Parent B would only judge if she is a twat and that she would not think she "deserved" to know anything. Having said that, having been Parent A, I was always pretty open about challenges. Not in a huge way and certainly it wouldn't have occurred to me to mention it in advance, but if we were out, for example, and DS was behaving v differently to other children and I liked the parent I would probably mention the challenges and/or the processes we were undergoing. Not least because frankly it's a huge thing at that point in your life. YOu'd talk about choosing a school or taking your child to a new sports group, so why wouldn't you mention that you have an assessment with an OT or are going to speech and language therapy this week?

[quote flippertyop]@MattyGroves I completely get what you are saying and I agree. The disability bit is irrelevant it's about whether the kids get on and your child is enjoying their time together[/quote]
Thank you. I am quite confused by the hostility on this thread as I don't think it's that strange to want your child to enjoy the interaction

But children with different problems abound. In my dd's class of nine, several of the children have physical or developmental problems. It is part of the rich rainbow of life

How many months is your DS if you don’t mind me asking OP? There’s a massive variance on ‘2 years old’ lord knows my 19 month old won’t say a word or listen to me at all. Occasionally if I say ‘NO’ very firmly he might listen but it’s rare!

He’s a big boy, wears 2-3 year clothes and I know when we are out and about people often assume he’s well over 2 and just awfully behaved.

I’m parent A in that scenario too… I think of DS as a twat weeder-outter. You get the odd one, but most parents I’ve met have been fine. And tbh, you may find that your child’s struggles just aren’t as obvious to others as they are to you. I know I’ve mentioned DS’s diagnosis in the course of conversation to others when it’s come up naturally, and they’ve been surprised.

Parent B is a twat. Loads of 2 year old run around, don't talk and only play alongside - even more so after the lack of interaction 2 year old have had in the last 18 months.

My 17 mo can ride a balance bike and run around, but only says about 3 words reliably. He freezes on sight of another child, stares at the floor and mimics hand sanitising.

Another parent made a snarky comment at the pumptrack where my son was riding the other day. I was polite (there were kids), but informed her I wasn't impressed by her attitude.

Parent B should not be so judgemental, none of parent B’s business whatever is up with parent A’s child.

And yes avoid play dates with @MattyGroves 😂

Speech delay is so common and many 2 year olds don't speak. My eldest was non verbal until 4 and had a wide array of other issues. Dd was also speech delayed and didn't speak until 2/3 but otherwise developed normally. She could play with other children etc. She just struggled to get her words out.

I never felt obliged to tell anyone but would bring it up with people I knew well sometimes. I wouldn't feel it's necessary to tell... most people are supportive but sometimes when you have a child who is delayed you get sick of explaining it and just want people to realise that all kids are different at developing.

Dd was really late to walk. I often got comments from other people like 'oh she can't walk yet'. No she can't... what do you want me to do about it? (she has hypermobility/low muscle tone). It meant going to soft play, the park etc was hard because when she was nearly 2 she couldn't walk, run etc after other children! But she so desperately wanted to join in!

In all honesty 2 year olds don't play much together anyway. They tend to just play along each other speech delayed it not.

Barring abuse, I can't imagine a scenario in which the young child of a friend would have any bearing on my relationship with said friend.

I have friends with children who have significant additional needs, it's an opportunity for my children to interact and make friends (or accept & tolerate, in some instances) with different people. As long as my friends are appropriately parenting to ensure my child isn't hurt by their child (as I do myself) then I don't see an issue.

Your friend is a twat.

I had a friend who was parent A. We were friends from when our DCs were babies together. She never said anything to indicate she thought her DC was unusual in anyway (despite having two older children). One day after school, the children now being in Reception, she told me that the school had suggested that her DC was autistic and recommended she have the DC assessed. She was genuinely shocked whereas I felt like I knew all along but because she didn't discuss it, nor did I. We have always remained friends but my DC stopped wanting her DC to join in with things so it got a little difficult but I did get away with it by having single sex parties etc for a few years which naturally excluded her DC.

2 year olds don’t really play with each other. The parent shouldn’t need to explain anything.

What do you mean by saying that the wouldn't be worth catching up in future?

MattyGroves because people don't always have to enjoy an interaction. Sometimes just getting on with something is sufficient.

Honestly, two year olds don't really play together whether there is developmental delay or not.
They play alongside each other but the true interactive play is later.
For me at that stage it was about the friendship with the other mum and a chance to go out with someone also used to toddler chaos.
I might be tempted to tell her just so she understands why your parenting might not seem to make total sense, i.e you are not ignoring bad behaviour because you see your child can do no wrong
but have to address it at a stage before she might be.
My friend has a child with severe autism and some other additional needs but our kids played together without it really being noticed til at least five.
Now they do understand he doesn't talk but he loves running so they just take it he likes Tig and stick with playing that (age 7). Kids are very accepting so don't worry this really shouldn't affect a toddler friendship

At 2 I wouldn't really care if my DD was playing together with another child or not anyway. She is perfectly happy playing on her own alongside an uninterested child instead and doing her own thing - some kids she plays with, some she doesn't, that's just life and I don't think it's a bad thing for her to see children who are different to her and learn how to play alongside or how to interact with children who have different personalities and abilities. It's part of life, isn't it? Learning how to interact and engage with all sorts of different people, not just the 'straightforward' ones.

And if I liked the other child's mum then I'd want to see her regardless!

@excitednerves if it helps at all, my DD is reaching most of her milestones early but is always running around and doesn’t listen to me at all. Mostly sounds like your child is a toddler 🤷‍♀️

@MattyGroves I understand what you're trying to say, but can I try and explain where the hostility comes from?

When you have a child who is delayed in their development, its not just your child they're not interacting with, its every other child as well. As a direct result of their disability. Its not like the parent can just shrug and think "oh well, we'll meet up.with X instead because our kids get on well", because there is no X. And so the parent and child just become more and more isolated. And that hurts... a lot. We rely on a bit of compassion from others, and acceptance that our children can't do what yours can.

So us Parent As read post like yours through that lense, and get a bit angry that some people just can't be bothered with us or our children, as a direct result of our children's disabilities.

Hope that helps to explain a bit.