Someone else’s child - how would you feel?

[excitednerves]

Parent A and parent B have crossed paths a few times, been chatting and exchanged numbers. They have similar(ish) aged children. After a couple of meet ups, it becomes clear that parent A’s child (age 2) has some developmental issues - doesn’t talk, doesn’t respond to being told to stay close or to come back etc, very active and constantly on the move.

If you were parent B (assuming parent A and B like each other) what would you think? That parent A should have told you / explained about their child? That the child seems like a bit of hard work and probably isn’t worth catching up in future? Doesn’t matter if you like parent A?

Maybe you can work out which parent I am but I’m interested in how you’d feel?

[silveryslade]

I would try not to have an opinion since I'm not qualified to diagnose. I would interact in the way I deemed was most helpful and appropriate at the time. For example, if the child ran off I would make sure my child was secure (pick them up for eg) then help retrieve them. I would listen if the mother confided me and offer up any solutions I could think of if she asked for advice.

[ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing]

I was a Parent B when my son was 6 and made a friend at school whose behaviour was a bit different and i definitely didn’t expect any explanation. I might have hoped the other parents confided in me if we were close friends I suppose? We get on fine and I like the family a lot but I wouldn’t say we were close so I didn’t feel “owed” anything for want of a better phrase.

The boys are still friends now they are older teens and the other child voluntarily told my son his diagnosis last year .

[SuperCaliFragalistic]

Hang on. We've been invited to consider what parent B might be thinking, there's no actual suggestion that parent B thinks any of these things.

2 year olds sometimes play nicely and sometimes don't. Sometimes they're clingy or whiny or difficult. Sometimes they're asleep all afternoon. The possibility of a 2 year old having additional needs wouldn't factor into whether or not I pursued a friendship. However I am pretty anti social and I let lots of potential friendships pass me by for no special reason.

[CherryBlossomWinter]

I get this a lot even though it’s mostly unsaid, as I have two children with significant SN. Other parents often just don’t want their child to be friends. Or at the first instance of anything happening, will overblame my child in a way a ‘normal’ child wouldn’t.

For example my child screamed loudly at another girl once for taking his block that he was lining up. Because it was unusual to scream so loudly, the other parent reacted massively to it, even though their daughter wasn’t that bothered. I apologised to the daughter, and scooped up my own child, bringing his blocks to a safe corner and said ‘too loud’. Really wasn’t a big deal. Even though I always deal with any situations and take full responsibility as a parent for making sure all kids okay. However it was like my child was’marked’. This parent was a paediatrician so should have been in contact with several kids of different natures. But very clearly me or DS were not included in any activities.

It really makes me sad.

[Lougle]

I am parent A. I didn't say anything because everybody thought I was being neurotic, so had convinced me I was a crap parent DD1 was typical. She wasn't. She's has a brain malformation, ASD (only diagnosed last month at 15) and learning disabilities.

[Wagglerock]

DS was a late talker and jeez, some of the comments and faces were unbelievable. At least it helps you suss out which parents to avoid at all costs. I might have said "oh he's just a bit late with his talking" to random mum's I met at the park to explain if he didn't answer a question, but nothing more than that.

[Justanotherquestioner]

My ds1 is very tricky. I've made my friendship group a lot smaller. Some friends are brilliant with him. I need people who accept him for who he is and support me 100%. Everyone else gets ditched.
He's 4, nearly 5 and hasn't yet been diagnosed with anything but may well Some time

[MakingM2]

I'm genuinely bewildered by the idea that a parent would expect another parent to provide details of their child's potential developmental issues in order to pursue a potential friendship tbh. The child is 2? I'm not even sure other parents should be diagnosing developmental issues in the children of their acquaintances.

I'd keep being friends with Parent A if I liked them. I don't understand the mentality of not being friends with someone because their child has a developmental delay, or any other kind of special need tbh. It's not contagious.

Also, it isn't like parents can only have one friend. It's not a massive life decision. They aren't considering marriage. Are they?

I find the question a little bit odd tbh. Parent B sounds like hard work and Parent A would probably be better off with a less uptight friend. It's friendship...it's not a test, it's for fun and support.

[LittleCatDog]

"Explained about their child"? Because their two year old runs around a lot and doesn't speak much?! Seriously?! If you're parent B this is a fucking horrible post and I feel sorry for child B for having such a dick parent.

[excitednerves]

Well this is delightfully refreshing. Yes I’m parent A. My DS definitely has some development delays and we’ve started speech therapy for him. He’s very active and, especially in a new place, just wants to run around an explore so I’m just generally running after him. He won’t respond to being told to stop, or come back so I have to intervene. He’s much more relaxed when he’s been somewhere a few times. He doesn’t interact hugely with other children but is happy playing side by side.

I don’t really know anyone in the area so I’m keen to meet other mums / parents as I’m currently spending most days of the week on my own my two children visiting a LOT of parks and coffee shops.

Parent B hasn’t said any of this. She seems lovely and I think we get on well. So please don’t judge her! I haven’t said anything to her about DS, but she’ll notice eventually that he doesn’t talk yet and I’ve been anxious about what she’ll think when she does. I guess because I see his differences, I expect other people will too and judge him/me, or not want want their child to be friends with someone a bit different.

The responses here seem to suggest continuing on as we are, and if she suddenly ghosts me then I’ll know she wasn’t worth having as a friend.

This has been hugely reassuring. Thanks for all your lovely comments. It’s actually made me a bit emotional.

[excitednerves]

@LittleCatDog thankfully I’m parent A but your comment made me actually do a little snort

[HerRoyalRisesAgain]

not want want their child to be friends with someone a bit different.

Anyone who feels that way is a twat. My DS2s best friend has developmental delays and physical disabilities. They adore each other and getbsi excited to see each other.

[Imicola]

It would depend on whether i got on with parent A. If i liked them, then yes I'd continue meeting up. If not, then i wouldn't. I don't think developmental issues (if that is truly what they are) are relevant.

[MakingM2]

Ah, someone has explained to me that parents sometimes only become friends with other parents so their children can be friends. That all sounds unnecessarily difficult. It must be an total arse-ache to line all of that up.

The children will make their own friends and it doesn't matter whether their parents are friends. Parents can just be civil to each other.

And, as parents, we can make our own friends and whether the children get along isn't really a deciding factor. Children can just be as polite to each other as they can manage.

[Goldbar]

I have been (sort of) on both sides of this.

My DC has no SN but can be a bit exuberant sometimes. One of my friends finds my DC a bit much compared to their much quieter 3yo and this comes out in the way she interacts with them as she can be very impatient and doesn't make the same allowances for my DC as she makes for her own DC (who she clearly sees as the 'good' one). Not exactly the same situation as yours, but I'm choosing to see her less and less with my DC as I'm not comfortable with them being painted as a 'bad' child for perfectly normal 3yo behaviour. I correct misbehaviour but much of the behaviour she seems to object to doesn't fall into that category. It's things like running about in the playground rather than sitting quietly talking and playing with toys when her DC wants to do this.

What is much more akin to your situation is that I have two friends with 3yo DC with SN. They've both discussed it with me but I certainly wouldn't have felt entitled to an explanation. We see them just as much as we always have and my DC is very fond of playing with them. However, my friends and I manage playdates carefully to make them positive - we're realistic about what works well and what their DC would find overwhelming. So we don't see them less, but we've adapted how we see them.

[QueeniesCroft]

My child sounds like he was very much like yours, OP. His speech was severely delayed and he just dodn't seem to understand what was said to him. Also, very, very hyper. His SALT said that she thought it was a neurological delay and that he might or might not "grow out of it".

Lots of other parents were very dismissive of him, or actively avoided him. I had one friend, however, who was amazing with him. He just let my son be wh he was, and didn't constantly correct him, or criticise him. He helped my son hugely and I am so grateful for that. As it happens, my son's speech improved as did his understanding. He will probably never set the academic world on fire, but he is comfortably average. We are delighted and he is happy and secure.

My friend is now quite elderly, and has no family of his own. My son(who is now 13) visits him regularly and helps out on my friend's farm. There is nothing that I wouldn't do to help my friend now, because his help and support were so precious when we needed them.

[SylvanasWindrunner]

My friend has a DD like this and I would never dream of treating her differently because of it! Her DD and mine don't interact hugely as her DD isn't interested in it but I enjoy my friend's company and even if kids don't play together, they can still play separately in each other's company. We've never spoken about the differences between them and it doesn't really matter. If she wants to talk about it I'm there but there's certainly no need for her to explain anything to me.

You sound lovely, OP!

[ApplePippa]

OP, so glad your friend hasn't actually said any of this.

I've been friend A (where you are now!). For what it's worth, you will meet both people who are absolutely lovely and inclusive, and people who are less accepting. You will quickly learn which type you want in your life! Having a child with SN often means people show you who they really are...

[Goldbar]

He’s very active and, especially in a new place, just wants to run around an explore so I’m just generally running after him. He won’t respond to being told to stop, or come back so I have to intervene. He’s much more relaxed when he’s been somewhere a few times. He doesn’t interact hugely with other children but is happy playing side by side.

This is not unusual for a 2yo - mine was like this! The only way you're going to get to chat to the other parent though is if you plan meet-ups in a confined area which your DS can't escape from .

[canichange]

To put your mind at ease OP, my DS was just like your child at 2. Late speaker, never stayed still, always getting himself into 'danger', running off etc. He's still a bit of a bugger at times, but as far as speech and interaction with other children goes, he's exceptional. Other parents with quieter children say they like it when DS befriends them because it brings them out of their shell a bit.

[flippertyop]

I think if the kids didn't get on I would probably not bother with meet ups with the kids but would maybe still meet the mum. I've tried too many times to make friendships work because I've liked the mum and it never does so at 2 years old I would move on if the kids weren't gelling

[peboh]

As a parent with a child (ASD) like parent A... parent b is an absolute tit.
We don't owe it to anybody to explain our child. I have definitely found that some people struggle with my child, and her behaviours and that's perfectly fine. I get it, but I definitely don't feel the need to go out of my way and explain that to anybody. Parent A deserves better relationships than parent b is willing to give.

[Fundays12]

Parent B is a horrible human and u would avoid them totally. My eldest has autism and ADHD. He had the speech of a 2.5 year old at just turned 1 (health visitor and nursery both said it). He appeared developmentally fine as a toddler. His difficulties starter to show at 3. Not all toddlers who can't speak end up being unable to and kids who have "advanced" speech may struggle in later years.

[BrieAndChilli]

Every child is different.
DS1 has ASD, he did not utter a single word not even mama/dads until he was 2.5. He was in nappies until age 6. He did however start school at 4 with a reading age of 14 and has always been extremely clever.
He’s 14 now and you wouldn’t really be able to tell how hard it was when he was little.
I was lucky - the friends that stuck around always included him, and never made me feel bad for his behaviour when he had a meltdown. One of his friends even held a seperate birthday party for DS to go hang out as he knew DS wouldn’t like the activity at the main party.

It’s tough when they are little, everyone seems to compare so much and I had DD who was 19 months younger who was talking /potty trained before DS1 and a complete social butterfly.

[BananaPB]

If I were Parent B I wouldn't expect any "warnings". Kids don't develop linearly. One month your child might be a better climber while my child might overtake the next month etc

There is a massive difference amongst 2 year olds and even if they are both 2, 6 months between them could mean massive differences.

I'm a mum of 3 and at just 2, 2 of them hadn't said their first word. Only 1 could reliably walk by my side. All 3 were active and only one wou have returned if I called their name.

At 2y6m, the non-verbal kids had said their first word but only I could understand one of them. (They had speech therapy later)

What you've said wouldn't deter me from being friends. The sort of thing that would make me distance myself is stuff like you not correcting "bad" behaviour by your child. I understand that many kids go through stages like hitting but if there was no attempt to correct then I'd not socialise in order to protect my child.