Someone else’s child - how would you feel?

[excitednerves]

Parent A and parent B have crossed paths a few times, been chatting and exchanged numbers. They have similar(ish) aged children. After a couple of meet ups, it becomes clear that parent A’s child (age 2) has some developmental issues - doesn’t talk, doesn’t respond to being told to stay close or to come back etc, very active and constantly on the move.

If you were parent B (assuming parent A and B like each other) what would you think? That parent A should have told you / explained about their child? That the child seems like a bit of hard work and probably isn’t worth catching up in future? Doesn’t matter if you like parent A?

Maybe you can work out which parent I am but I’m interested in how you’d feel?

[excitednerves]

Thanks for all your replies. I’ve read through all of them. Thanks to all the other Parent A’s for sharing your experiences. There’s too many to mention all the names, I’d be here all day.

@Spudlet I like the idea of DS being the identifier of crappy friends. You’re right, I’ll soon see which ones are real friends. You also make a good point in that I’m probably hyper-aware of my child’s challenges and other people probably don’t notice half of what I see.

It’s been so helpful to hear from the other side too. Also reminder that Parent B’s thoughts are hypothetical don’t be so harsh on my potential new friend! I feel like @MattyGroves got a lot of abuse here. I asked for opinions, you gave me yours, we don’t all have to agree. It’s also good to know that some parents are looking for play dates for their kids, not necessarily more mum-friends. Whereas I’ve recently moved to a new area and finding mum friends is important to me, obviously great if our kids play well too.

[Lockheart]

@orangeautumnleaves

Sounds like a normal 2 yr old tbh!! Many 2 yr olds don't talk. Parent B should come and spend time with my almost 4 year old Duracell bunny who has very selective hearing when it comes to doing as he's asked!!

Parent B sounds like a dick who clearly has not met many kids other than her own!!

Parent B hasn't said or done anything, OP is being completely hypothetical.

So many people who can't read.

[excitednerves]

@Learningtobeafeministagain and @Hugoslaviao your posts made me super emotional ❤️

@MargaretThursday you’re totally right - and yes, I do love parks with a fence around for this reason! It’s up to me to say “can we meet here?” I know where my child is most comfortable and where he’ll be happiest playing. (And where I’ll be most relaxed too)

For those asking, yes, I do correct any bad behaviour although mostly my boy just wants to play on the swings and run. I will of course make sure he doesn’t push others or take toys etc. I’m a decent human being.

He did take an interest in a little girl wearing glasses at the park one day so I kept close to make sure he wouldn’t try to touch them, and then they both got on with playing on the slides etc and I had a lovely chat with the dad.

[Hellodarknessmyoldpal]

OP I'm really glad you're parent A and no-one has judged your little boy in this way. He sounds very like my little boy and my friends have been nothing but supportive. Hope all goes well with the speech therapy and you get to hear his little voice soon.

[worriedatthemoment]

Well parent A needs to actually step away from parent b as parent B isn't very nice and not a friend I would want
There kids and 2 year olds are all at different levels , but even if child ends uo having some kind of disability etc , what odds does that make ?

[worriedatthemoment]

Just read this hasn't actually happened , hopefully parent B turns out to be a good friend to parent a

[pompomsgalore]

Whether your boy has developmental delays or whether your child is in the general range of two year old behaviour aside, why not open up to your friend about your concerns a little. You like each other, you are becoming friends so why make this a no go subject?

[Skyla2005]

I would be more worried about he we got on as friends not how the toddlers were together ! What's the point in being friends with someone just because the kids get along I couldn't deal with that Rather the other way round

[Santastuckincustoms]

My 2 year old definitely does not respond to being told to stop! Or to come with us! He just runs like forest gump until he hits a wall. I'd say the 2 yo sounds like a normal child and a lot of fun!

[Abitlost2]

I bet anything parent A has a boy and parent B a girl.
Yes, it's a total generalisation but one I've heard a million times as I have 3 ds. All of mine were movers and didn't speak much at 2. Omg 2 is so young!!
Anyway all older now, very articulate, really sporty, great at listening and all super fit (see previous constant moving), they also love art and school and reading. I heard it all when they were smaller by parents with "chilled" toddlers ; "they never stop", "you have your hands full", " mine is very "good" as they sit still". Why is it always seen as "bad" when kids move a lot or are more physical?

[Spudlet]

I would also add op - and please understand that I am parent A here with DS and I honestly do get you - that you may be being a bit paranoid given that parent b hasn’t said anything of the sort. And I understand, I do! It does make you paranoid, you do worry that the parents with the neurotypical kids are judging, I know! So that’s not me being one of those posters (you know the ones, the head tilt ones who shove everything back onto the op no matter what), but I’m a couple of years down this journey on from you, and I know what it’s like. But you just have to try and recognise that feeling for what it is and see the situation clearly.

[picketingpanic]

@MattyGroves

Don’t you want your child mixing with a child that has a disability?

I didn't say that - just that I don't get much time with my 2 year old so when I do, I am prioritising spending it with kids he enjoys playing with/doing things he wants to do. Which might include playing with a child with a disability but if a child wasn't really able to interact with him, that wouldn't be a priority for me on my one day off a week with him.

I don't really view my day off with my 2 year old as about making friends for me. Of course if someone actively wanted my support and was finding things hard, I would do what I could.

but if a child wasn't really able to interact with him, that wouldn't be a priority for me on my one day off a week with him.*
*
This is ableism. Pure and simple.

[excitednerves]

@Spudlet totally taking this in the spirit that it’s meant. Yes, I am being overly anxious. This thread has been hugely useful in putting that to rest.

I think I’ve just had lots of comments from well meaning family and (less well meaning) HV that I need to read to him more (we read loads), narrate my day, talk to him more, honestly I talk and sing non stop, making me feel like I’ve prevented him from talking by supposedly living a life of silence or something.

All of my mum friends from the area that I’ve left never comment on it unless I mention it. I guess I’m just worried that new friends are going to be the HV type and judging me on poor parenting. That does appear to be very much not the case. Also my new HV has been amazing and has done the referral to speech therapy and is great at celebrating all the things he is good at, rather than focus on his communication.

@pompomsgalore it’s not a no go subject but maybe the info above is why I’ve been reluctant to mention it?

[Sleepyquest]

My child sounds just like yours although she has now started talking. She has no delays. If I met your child, I wouldn't assume anything because they sound like a normal 2 yr old! I think you're looking into it too much.
FWIW, my DD NEVER stays close. She's always on the go.

[Sleepyquest]

Oh just to add, I'm not saying your child does not have delays - only you know that. I just mean I wouldn't necessarily notice

[Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss]

Health services are notorious for telling parents of children who end up with ASD diagnosis (or other disabilities that aren’t immediately diagnosable) that it’s their poor parenting.
I’m so incredibly thankful I have more than one child, so I have a ‘control’. Which is awful! I shouldn’t even have to think like that. But they do make you paranoid and questioning yourself.

The good thing is that anyone you actually want as your friend won’t do this. It will be obvious you are good mum (with flaws like all of us, you don’t have to be perfect!) and they won’t judge you.

[Spudlet]

@excitednerves Oh god, I got all of that too. ‘Read to him!’ ‘Talk to him!’ I don’t know how I didn’t scream, honestly, like I hadn’t bloody well thought of that?! Like I wasn't doing it every day? Honestly. It makes you want to scream.

We used signing for DS - Mr Tumble is a fantastic resource for that. And we were fortunate enough to have family assistance to pay for private speech therapy. DS will be 6 soon and has been seeing his speech therapist since he was about 2 or 3 - they have a lovely bond and she knows him inside out. His speech is now totally age appropriate, so she helps him more with the language side of things - she goes into his school. It makes me angry to even have to say this because all children should get this help who need it, regardless of whether their families can afford it, but if going private is an option for you, I’d do it. But in the meantime, signing was a godsend for DS, it gave him that start with being able to communicate.

[MoreAloneTime]

I don't see what's ableist about what MattyGroves is saying. Don't most people prioritise those they get one with well as friends regardless of any disability?

When you've got small children and no other history friendships do tend to be based on convenience. I don't think it helps to talk about these adult friendships and if they are the same as those of children or teenagers.

[picketingpanic]

@MoreAloneTime

I don't see what's ableist about what MattyGroves is saying. Don't most people prioritise those they get one with well as friends regardless of any disability?

When you've got small children and no other history friendships do tend to be based on convenience. I don't think it helps to talk about these adult friendships and if they are the same as those of children or teenagers.

Because saying 'Well I'm short of time, so I'm not wasting mine on a child with SEN' is saying 'This child is not worth any extra effort, and if I have to expend any extra effort on a child it had better be worth it'

Children with SEN are more effort, but the rewards all round for everyone involved are enormous.

Like I said, I stopped being asked to things with my child when their additional needs became more and more pronounced. Because, urgh, the effort. And everyone was so busy, you know?

[ApplePippa]

[quote ApplePippa]@MattyGroves I understand what you're trying to say, but can I try and explain where the hostility comes from?

When you have a child who is delayed in their development, its not just your child they're not interacting with, its every other child as well. As a direct result of their disability. Its not like the parent can just shrug and think "oh well, we'll meet up.with X instead because our kids get on well", because there is no X. And so the parent and child just become more and more isolated. And that hurts... a lot. We rely on a bit of compassion from others, and acceptance that our children can't do what yours can.

So us Parent As read post like yours through that lense, and get a bit angry that some people just can't be bothered with us or our children, as a direct result of our children's disabilities.

Hope that helps to explain a bit.[/quote]
I did try and explain...

[ApplePippa]

Sorry, that was to the pp saying she couldn't understand why MattyGrove's post was abelist.

[gardennewb]

Im a parent A too, dd is also 2, not really speaking and v active! I don't think she's delayed in a big way, she just is more developed on the physical side rather than the linguistic side!

If you were nearby we could go on a play date - we might even be able to talk in passing as we run around the park after our respective children!

[Goldbar]

When you have a child who is delayed in their development, its not just your child they're not interacting with, its every other child as well. As a direct result of their disability. Its not like the parent can just shrug and think "oh well, we'll meet up.with X instead because our kids get on well", because there is no X. And so the parent and child just become more and more isolated. And that hurts... a lot. We rely on a bit of compassion from others, and acceptance that our children can't do what yours can.

I agree with this. I also think 1-5 is in many ways the easiest age bracket to make sure all children are included since the differences are often less pronounced than with older children and little children are much more accepting. So if we can't make an effort to include children at this age, then there really isn't much hope going forward . It's also an age at which positive social interaction is essential and beneficial for children, especially if they're developmentally delayed. Making an effort at this age can make a huge difference going forward.

It's up to the parents to manage the kids' play to make it positive. We did a lot of playing outside with sand, paint and water over the summer with my friend's DC. My DC knows that they don't like to play with toys in the same way that my DC does (unfamiliar toys and sharing are stress points for my friend's DC so I remove most before visits). But both children love to paint and splash boats in water and run around chasing each other through pop up tunnels. It must be rare for there to be nothing that a couple of 2-4 year olds can play with together, even if they're just doing it alongside each other and enjoying each other's company.

[MoreAloneTime]

Its not "not wasting time on a child with SEN" but rather not wasting time trying to get two kids to play who don't gel.