Someone else’s child - how would you feel?

[excitednerves]

Parent A and parent B have crossed paths a few times, been chatting and exchanged numbers. They have similar(ish) aged children. After a couple of meet ups, it becomes clear that parent A’s child (age 2) has some developmental issues - doesn’t talk, doesn’t respond to being told to stay close or to come back etc, very active and constantly on the move.

If you were parent B (assuming parent A and B like each other) what would you think? That parent A should have told you / explained about their child? That the child seems like a bit of hard work and probably isn’t worth catching up in future? Doesn’t matter if you like parent A?

Maybe you can work out which parent I am but I’m interested in how you’d feel?

[SweetPetrichor]

My best friend had development issues, speech issues, learning delay…she is still my best friend ever, even if she never sat exams and can’t live alone. People shouldn’t write off folk who’re different.

[Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss]

Doesn’t sound very delayed to be honest. Plenty of two year olds could fit that description.

I don’t think parents owe other parents their children’s private medical information, no.

If the children don’t get on (for whatever reason) I’d probably find places they could play independently and we could chat (like a soft play) or catch up without kids sometimes. But I sort of see it as my role if I’m a good friend to love people’s kids whatever shape they come in. So I’d most likely just try and love this little person.

[NotQuiteUsual]

As parent A, I've learnt to spot other parent A's and target them. I have a lot more fun with people who get it and don't think I'm a twat for laughing about the stuff my kids get up to. That teeth sucking, head tilting, nervous laugh thing people do, when they're not sure if it's ok to laugh at the funny things a kid does, because they have SEN really bothers me! Just because DD8 has autism, doesn't mean the weird stuff she comes out with isn't hilarious.

[Winceybincey]

@excitednerves

Well this is delightfully refreshing. Yes I’m parent A. My DS definitely has some development delays and we’ve started speech therapy for him. He’s very active and, especially in a new place, just wants to run around an explore so I’m just generally running after him. He won’t respond to being told to stop, or come back so I have to intervene. He’s much more relaxed when he’s been somewhere a few times. He doesn’t interact hugely with other children but is happy playing side by side.

I don’t really know anyone in the area so I’m keen to meet other mums / parents as I’m currently spending most days of the week on my own my two children visiting a LOT of parks and coffee shops.

Parent B hasn’t said any of this. She seems lovely and I think we get on well. So please don’t judge her! I haven’t said anything to her about DS, but she’ll notice eventually that he doesn’t talk yet and I’ve been anxious about what she’ll think when she does. I guess because I see his differences, I expect other people will too and judge him/me, or not want want their child to be friends with someone a bit different.

The responses here seem to suggest continuing on as we are, and if she suddenly ghosts me then I’ll know she wasn’t worth having as a friend.

This has been hugely reassuring. Thanks for all your lovely comments. It’s actually made me a bit emotional.

Firstly, lots of 2 year olds aren’t talking, my 2 year old says some words but not sentences and rarely talks to other people especially if we’re somewhere exciting. Speech therapy will really help your child but don’t stress over it as he/she will get there eventually and it’s very common.

Everything else you’ve described is a typical 2 year old! If we go somewhere exciting there isn’t a cat in hell chance my 2 year would stop running or come to me if I ask. I have to chase him everywhere, to him I no longer exist lol.

Being so active is a healthy toddler, it’s their biology. I always joke that mine is a puppy and needs walking everyday. The NHS says they need atleast 3-5 hours of exercise a day, I’d say more as every toddler I’ve known is just constantly on the go. It’s healthy and normal… as is their curiosity.

2 year olds don’t tend to interact or play with one another either, not until around 3-4, so don’t worry about that either.

Sounds like you have a normal, healthy child. Don’t stress.

[museumum]

Up to age 2/3 I would hang out with any parent I liked regardless of their child’s personality, preferences or abilities.
But from 3ish onwards the children actually being compatible did begin to matter if we’re to spend a lot of time together. That doesn’t in any way mean we didn’t hang out with children with different abilities but we did gradually end up spending more time with the parents of children our children preferred.
If the friendship is established by then it can become an adult friendship for catching up when kids are at nursery/school.

[IrishMel]

Just read your updates and your child is only 2. You do not need to mention anything unless you want to. Hope you get to meet some lovely parents/children. Take care

[merryhouse]

@QueeniesCroft that's made me all teary

[Chloemol]

Parent B is an idiot

Why should how a 2 year old is developing be of any concern to them, or stop a friendship

[Porcupineintherough]

As parent B I'd actually feel quite awkward if parent A never mentioned their child's difficulties/differences to me. It would feel a bit like the elephant in the room and it's hard to see how a friendship between us could progress if it could never be spoken of. Certainly it's not been my experience with friends of mine whose children have special needs or the parents of my sons' friends who are not nt, even before diagnosis.

[Bimblybomeyelash]

My boys are NT but still required 80% of my attention at that age. I found meeting up with just one parent hard work because I found it hard to concentrate on the friend and on my children. I preferred to be my myself with the kids or in a larger group of parents so that I wouldn’t feel awkward about dashing after my kids. If you are getting matey with mum
b then why not suggest having an evening out at some point without the children.

[Pontypandytaxpayer]

All of the behaviours you've mentioned sound fairly normal to me. My DS was a lot like this until he got to about 2.5.

Try not to overthink it. As long as the kids aren't horrible to each other, I can't imagine it being an issue at all.

[MargaretThursday]

doesn’t talk, doesn’t respond to being told to stay close or to come back etc, very active and constantly on the move.
That describes a lot of 2yos so it may not be as obvious as parent A thinks.

I think whether they tell depends on whether it effects what they do together. If it means that parent A wants, for example, to only go to playgrounds that have a fence round, then, as Parent B (assuming I hadn't noticed) I'd probably appreciate them saying "can we go to X place because he's a bit of a bolter and I want a fence round"-no need to say any medical details, but giving a reason rather than seeming to just insist they choose.

But I have a relative who has a child who clearly has SEN, and is operating, I'd guess 4-5 years behind, at least, both mentally and physically which is over half their age. They have never mentioned it at all and like to drop things like "he's exceptional at " or "he did the most amazing

[BungleandGeorge]

It’s impossible to say which one is unreasonable when hearing from only one side! Child a sounds pretty normal to me for a 2 year old. Many don’t speak and even more don’t sit still! So perhaps there is more to it? This is not really an existing friendship, it sounds like a play date. There are reasons why I wouldn’t agree to another play date eg a child being violent with no attempt to control the behaviour. Or If the other child is a lot more mature they might not be very compatible. If it’s a friendship between the adults it’s a different situation to something arranged just so the children can play.

[Cameleongirl]

@MakingM2

Ah, someone has explained to me that parents sometimes only become friends with other parents so their children can be friends. That all sounds unnecessarily difficult. It must be an total arse-ache to line all of that up.

The children will make their own friends and it doesn't matter whether their parents are friends. Parents can just be civil to each other.

And, as parents, we can make our own friends and whether the children get along isn't really a deciding factor. Children can just be as polite to each other as they can manage.

Making is absolutely right that in the long term, the children will make their own friends and it won’t matter whether you’re also friends with the parents. Just enjoy your friendship with her and if the children don’t remain friends long term, it won’t matter. One of my best friends has two children the same age as mine and they haven’t hung out together for years ( they’re all teenagers now). Her DS has some SN but that’s not why they’re not friends, it’s because they don’t have much in common.

We adults are still friends though and probably always will be.

[ViceLikeBlip]

I'm pretty selfish when it comes to toddler play dates. I couldn't really give a flying fuck whether the kids actually get along so long as I like the mum! We shove the kids in nursery with a bunch of kids they don't get any say over 🤷‍♀️

Unless your child were to hurt her child, or break her stuff, I don't think she'd care whether or not he has any delays- you're the one running round after him, not her!

[iwannabelikeyouhoohoo]

@MattyGroves

I work four days a week so I don't get loads of time with my 2 year old so for me it would depend on how well the kids got on. If the developmental delay meant that the kids didn't interact well, I probably wouldn't pursue the friendship.

Oh, look. We found Parent B!

[mumwon]

When dc are that young its really difficult to tell if & how disabled they will be when they develop anyway (unless your an expert) the thing is do the dc enjoy each others company & playing side by side is quite "normal" till quite a bit later - as a parent i would only be concerned if the other dc was aggressive & deliberately hurt my dc
Young dc are non judgemental & are happy to be with others - I say this as a mum of a young woman with asd/dyspraxic - I would also say op -that its impossible to know how much any dc can change & develop & what they might be able to do. When dd was about 15 we were told that she would never be fully independent. Wrong! She needs my help with some things but she works in a "proper" job has friends within her ASD community & has a good social life - & is happy

[Pontypandytaxpayer]

@ViceLikeBlip

I'm pretty selfish when it comes to toddler play dates. I couldn't really give a flying fuck whether the kids actually get along so long as I like the mum! We shove the kids in nursery with a bunch of kids they don't get any say over 🤷‍♀️

Unless your child were to hurt her child, or break her stuff, I don't think she'd care whether or not he has any delays- you're the one running round after him, not her!

I completely agree with this.

[crazyguineapiglady]

I wouldn't expect the parent to tell me anything about their child's diagnosis.

If meet-ups with children were very difficult (kids not getting on, or child being very difficult to manage in public) and I liked the parent, I'd suggest child-free meet ups.

[Shalala22]

Wouldn't expect to be told about developmental issues. If I liked the parent, I'd still meet up regardless of child behaviour. I'd maybe suggest activities suited to the child, maybe home visits etc.

[Hugoslavia]

My son was very good friends for years with a boy with autism. They had a lovely relationship which developed at age 3. I explained some of his difficulties to my son and he took it all on board and was kind to him. They enjoyed each others company. My son got a lot out of it. Tbh, even if my son hadn't particularly enjoyed his company, I still would have made him meet up with the other child and be nice to them for the sake of the other child who struggled to make friendships with other children. Besides which I really enjoyed the company of the other mother, so met up with her too partly because she was lovely to be around. I think that you'd have to be a bit of an arsehole to drop a potential friendship for those reasons. If it was more than a friendship, but a relationship forming between two parents, then I think that is different and that the new partner should have been told.

[Hugoslavia]

Actually have just read your updates. I do think that I would mention some of your concerns about your child to the other parent. If you're going to become friends, then she will actually want to listen and offer reassurance as a friend. She will also, most likely be grateful for any advice which will help her also deal with your child so that she and her child are also helping support your child, particularly as they get a bit older. A three year old is perfectly able to comprehend that another child may be slightly different from them or might deserve a little extra understanding or patience. Please do not feel that your child would ever be a burden on playdates with other children or feel apologetic. My son's friendship with his autistic friend was extremely special. They had a real connection and it was an absolute privilege and joy to watch. And it helped shape my son into the lovely caring boy that he is today. Your child, if indeed there are any long term issues (they all do things at different times so it's usually too early to tell at 2) has the potential to form some really wonderful friendships, as do you with other parents. The other children will, if anything, get more out of their friendship with your child!

[Tilltheend99]

This is a pretty depressing thread with an alarming amount of offensive and ignorant replies

[Glassofshloer]

@Tilltheend99

This is a pretty depressing thread with an alarming amount of offensive and ignorant replies

I agree. It’s very disappointing.

It’s like posters who claim to love multicultural areas when what they mean is living next to one, so they can pop in once a week and feel all open-minded. Before retreating to their posh monocultural patch 🙄

I’m sure nobody on here would admit to being ableist but there’s quite a few posts which clearly indicate otherwise.

[orangeautumnleaves]

Sounds like a normal 2 yr old tbh!! Many 2 yr olds don't talk. Parent B should come and spend time with my almost 4 year old Duracell bunny who has very selective hearing when it comes to doing as he's asked!!

Parent B sounds like a dick who clearly has not met many kids other than her own!!