Someone else’s child - how would you feel?

[excitednerves]

Parent A and parent B have crossed paths a few times, been chatting and exchanged numbers. They have similar(ish) aged children. After a couple of meet ups, it becomes clear that parent A’s child (age 2) has some developmental issues - doesn’t talk, doesn’t respond to being told to stay close or to come back etc, very active and constantly on the move.

If you were parent B (assuming parent A and B like each other) what would you think? That parent A should have told you / explained about their child? That the child seems like a bit of hard work and probably isn’t worth catching up in future? Doesn’t matter if you like parent A?

Maybe you can work out which parent I am but I’m interested in how you’d feel?

[fekthisshiz]

My 2.5 yo barely talks or responds to me asking him to stay close, stop running away etc. He also would be very active and run around a new place, into everything etc.

I don't think he has additional needs. My eldest was much the same and he has no additional needs.

So I wouldn't say anything as many toddlers struggle with instructions at this age. Maybe he does have additional needs but at this age it's hard to say. Even so it's no reason not to meet up with other children.

I hope your mum meet ups go well!

[Moonface123]

In another few months this won't be an issue.
I have two sons, first one was a late talker, but soon made up for it, second son was an early talker, they are all so different.

[Yourstupidityexhaustsme]

@SnakeRabbitMouse

Parent A doesn't owe Parent B anything.
Parent B sounds like a horrible, judgemental dick.

Shall we get this embroidered on a t-shirt?

[5zeds]

Parent A needs to be grateful that her child will weed out the total dicks so she won’t waist years on their sorry arses.

[JamMakingWannaBe]

I am B. I have a friend who is A. Sometimes we meet up with the kids (now 7), sometimes we meet up ourselves.

[5zeds]

Waste, obv

[ShowMeHow]

I have been parent B and as I liked chatting to the mum and the kids played well / didn’t fight we struck up a good friendship.

I did wonder sometimes if parent A was getting her little one any help / assessments as she seemed very unaware and I didn’t feel it was my place to say anything. She did in the end though and child A did just fine with some support.

[Playdoughcaterpillar]

It would make no difference. If I got on with the other parent I'd carry on seeing them, regardless of what disabilities their child may have. And I wouldn't expect any explanation either!

[tickledtiger]

If I thought I’d found a new friend there is no way I would ditch her if her son had developmental delay, no. Why??

[itsgettingwierd]

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

You're parent A aren't you?

I hope so otherwise what I'm about to say is going to make you cross. 😁
Parent B is a twat.

Exactly what I thought!

Why would anyone snub a parent because their 2yo may be slightly delayed developmentally?

And why would you snub anyone because their child has some especially needs of that's what it turns out to be?

Friends just don't do that.

[Flowiththego]

Gosh, I have twins and they were totally different from each other. One was calm and the other totally manic at that age. It has never occurred to me to think that dch would develop at the same rate. If I were parent A it wouldn't occur to me to 'explain', and if I were parent B I would think differences were normal.

[Lockheart]

Parent B has not actually said any of this. There is no indication that she thinks this. This is an entirely hypothetical scenario.

Please read OP's posts before deciding she's a judgemental twat.

[dontputitinyourmouth]

My youngest was and still is to some extent like yours, I swear I used to think he’d think his name was JakeNo(not real name) as I spent so much time saying it!!
He has calmed down slightly now at 5 but still has bundles of energy, super inquisitive and stubborn, I joke and say that his tenacity and self assurance are admirable qualities in an adult but not so much at 5!
He was a very late talker, still has some issues now but hasn’t stopped him in the slightest making friends at school.

[5zeds]

I did wonder sometimes if parent A was getting her little one any help / assessments as she seemed very unaware and I didn’t feel it was my place to say anything. She did in the end though and child A did just fine with some support. arf. The waiting lists are endless. I would imagine she worked hard if she achieved both dx and support. I have friends I don’t share that part of my life with. I value a space without it being all I am.

[Glassofshloer]

[quote ApplePippa]@MattyGroves I understand what you're trying to say, but can I try and explain where the hostility comes from?

When you have a child who is delayed in their development, its not just your child they're not interacting with, its every other child as well. As a direct result of their disability. Its not like the parent can just shrug and think "oh well, we'll meet up.with X instead because our kids get on well", because there is no X. And so the parent and child just become more and more isolated. And that hurts... a lot. We rely on a bit of compassion from others, and acceptance that our children can't do what yours can.

So us Parent As read post like yours through that lense, and get a bit angry that some people just can't be bothered with us or our children, as a direct result of our children's disabilities.

Hope that helps to explain a bit.[/quote]
For what it’s worth (and I hope this doesn’t come off as virtue signalling twattery!) I don’t think anyone with children with SEN need to feel ‘grateful’ for play dates etc.

My child has no SEN, but the world is full of different types of people & I think it’s very beneficial for her to interact with a variety of characters - whether that’s other children with additional needs, adults, older kids, babies.

This notion that only socialising your child with other kids of similar ages and abilities doesn’t actually help them, it just limits their worldview and social skills.

to you, I hope you find or have found your tribe!

[Teenagehorrorbag]

DS has ASD and ADHD and was exactly like your son when he was 2. That was when we started seeking help and eventually he was diagnosed about 4. I don't remember any friends ever avoiding us or expecting anything - although I probably confided in good friends that we were having concerns.

Throughout primary school we were never excluded from parties or anything - although I made sure I stayed with him long after the age that other mums dropped and ran - and once or twice took him away if his behaviour was too difficult. Sadly as he got older, he was invited less because children started to take a few friends to the cinema or whatever, rather than holding a whole class party - but that's different.

Most parents knew about his diagnosis because our kids had been together since reception - but if anyone didn't or was new, and he went there on a playdate, I always forewarned them. But generally I think adults are fine and accepting, and it has never impacted on any of my friendships. (Wish I could say the same about some children, as DS has got older.....).

Enjoy your new friend. Especially now we can finally meet people again......

[Mammyloveswine]

Patent B is a totally judgemental prick!!

My child was that 2 year old... but to all of our friends he was (still is) just my lovely little boy! He was accepted for who he is!

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

If I was parent B, I would only stop meet ups if the child of parent A was physically hurting my child.
I wouldn’t expect any explanation. My oldest didn’t speak until she was 3.

[ApplePippa]

@Glassofshloer thank you! Not virtue signalling at all

We've been fortunate to have some truly lovely people in our lives who think as you do, and have definitely found our tribe. I'm a long way passed the mum-of-delayed-toddler stage (DS is 12!), but I still remember how hard those early days were.

[TheRealAnnabelleBronstein]

I don’t think parent A owes anyone a discussion around her child, and any issues they might have.

As Parent B, I’d keep my mouth shut and work off the basis that A knows their own child and is the best-placed person to address any issues.

Don’t sweat it, OP, you’re doing just fine.

[Pinkchocolate]

I was parent A. At most playgroups we would get stared and frowned at because he was loud and boisterous and wasn’t interested in other kids. Initially I would apologise before leaving. I found one playgroup where he wasn’t only accepted but celebrated and have never looked back. I am unapologetic about his behaviour, it has no negative effect on any other child and he’s happy. As he’s got older he’s learnt to socialise with people he chooses to. He’s still makes no eye contact with people though and has his issues. I don’t explain his diagnosing unless I’m close to the people. I wouldn’t discuss normal health matters so this is no different. No one needs to be told anything unless you choose to.

[cansu]

Parent B sounds rather unpleasant. Personally I would not expect someone I have only met a few times to tell me details about their child's possible developmental delays. I would accept that this must be a difficult thing to deal with and to talk about. If I liked the parent then I would continue to meet up and get to know them. I wouldn't consider binning them off just because they may have a child with SN. I hope you are not Parent B!

[IrishMel]

The child is only 2 and some children develop faster than others. I cannot see what the child is doing wrong here. This is horrible that a parent who gets on with another parent would judge a child of 2 and do people think she should see them again. I would not want to spend time with someone who was so horrible to be honest. All kids develop at different stages. Shocked that I am reading this. If you are the parent who is judging you need to look hard at yourself and fast as you will pass this behavior onto your child.

[IrishMel]

No why would any parent have to or owe you anything and the child may just have loads of energy. Lots of children also do not get any diagnosis until they are older. If you are the horrible parent do the other parent a favour and do not see her.

[Learningtobeafeministagain]

@excitednerves

Parent A and parent B have crossed paths a few times, been chatting and exchanged numbers. They have similar(ish) aged children. After a couple of meet ups, it becomes clear that parent A’s child (age 2) has some developmental issues - doesn’t talk, doesn’t respond to being told to stay close or to come back etc, very active and constantly on the move.

If you were parent B (assuming parent A and B like each other) what would you think? That parent A should have told you / explained about their child? That the child seems like a bit of hard work and probably isn’t worth catching up in future? Doesn’t matter if you like parent A?

Maybe you can work out which parent I am but I’m interested in how you’d feel?

IF another parent judges my 2 year old by the fact he didn't talk -and was active etc -I wouldn't want to be their friend.

My 2 year old didn't talk. He was walking, running and physically active beyond exhausting. He had passed his newborn hearing with flying colour. At 3 1/2/ he was diagnosed deaf -no wonder he didn't follow instruction or stay close. I had other parents avoid him -I had a teacher at school call him 'the special needs boy' -that boy is now 8 -yes he has an EHCP, yes he has 1-2-1, but he's doing Year 7 maths (he's in Year 3) -and got 38/40 on his Year 1 phonics DESPITE being deaf. So actually whose child is REALLY behind now.............

I hate milestones I really do. Even if he wasn't deaf -teaching any child to judge a parent/child and write off that relationship is shocking. What happened to making a tolerant society? My friends daughter is 13 she has global development delay and is it nappies and about the age mentally of 12-18 months -although she is now verbal (was non verbal until 10) fuck me was I proud of her when I went around for a coffee with her mum and she put her hands around my neck and went 'Ana, Ana' Yes I said 'She pointed at herself and said Me love Ana and gave me a hug I love that girl and my kids play with her whenever they can