To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

Oh and when the sleep thing is mastered, it all gets better. But again, it takes time!

My baby suddenly started sleep through around 11 months.

We started giving her a dummy, and then put her in her cot with a bottle of formula. Calpol if teething. Check the nap schedule with nursery as this can have a bit impact.

With DH, we share nights with the new babies. He probably takes longer to settle them but that’s okay, the important thing is that we both get a reasonable amount of sleep. I try not to helicopter even when I think he’s doing stuff wrong and just leave him to it.

OK @Xmasfairy86 I’ll try to explain since you don’t believe me.

I work full time. GPs are not seeing people F2F. I would have to wait all day for a phone call. I can’t do this at work.

I can’t take a day off and even if I could it wouldn’t be a conversation I’d want to have on the phone and I am unlikely to have the privacy to do so.

HVs clinics are closed.

So I hope this solves your disbelief.

You will notice sleeps getting longer. My 2yr old still wakes once in the night and I go through to get him and bring him to our bed because if I even attempt to get him back in the cot all hell breaks loose and if I take him to our bed he is sleeping again before his head hits the pillow.
He just wants to know he is beside mum and dad.
Before this, he was waking 2-3 times a night and I was still BF him before bed, then during the wake-ups. I became pregnant in Feb this year and luckily my son kind of self weaned in April time which led to the 2-3 night wakings dwindling down to the 1 night wakings. My point is: it's fucking shit but it won't last much longer...you will start seeing a difference.
I heavily rely on my husband's help though and he actually gets up with DS every single morning (both weekend days too) so I can have a little bit more sleep as I'm so exhausted especially from being pregnant again.
You must work as a team. So if your DH is trying to help but what he is doing isn't helpful, can you sit him down and explain what things he can do that would be helpful and appreciated?

I feel for you OP- it sounds really really tough.

At 10 months, he is old enough to have some sort of sleep training. You can do the tough controlled crying or you can do the gentler "pick up put down" method (possibly out of date now, I don't know.) If you take a day off and do it over a weekend too so 3 days, you should crack it.

My first was still getting me up several times a night at 10 months - a friend told me to count to 50 next time she cried. I hated it but I did it and we turned a corner. (Make sure they're not teething or ill but you're not stupid.) My 3rd was big which I though meant he wouldn't need night feeds for so long - how wrong I was. I used to bundle him into bed with me after the feed and we'd both sleep - not quite as deeply but better than trying to get him back to sleep.

Also one of mine had bad teething pains - could it be that?

I agree with you about the night wakings. Before kids I thought babies didn't sleep through for a couple of months, not (sometimes) years! I blame programmes like Friends.

I haven’t asked for advice

No, but people have kindly offered you loads and you've ignored it all.

You have a DP problem; is he the baby's father?

If he is, why the hell is he not stepping up and being a parent. Not 'helping'.

Op me and my partner used to split the night. I’d have the baby 8-1 while he slept and he’d have baby 1-6 while I slept. Obviously we still slept if the baby was asleep while we had him too…but it meant we both got one long chunk of time.

I used to watch TV in between having the baby 8-1 so I felt like I had had downtime and then sleep from about 11 if possible.

My Dh was useless so I found having specific times it was his responsibility helped. I just had to try and switch off to any crying and try to isgnore it.

Does your HV not have a phone number or email address?

A sleep trainer or night nanny would be more helpful than an HV though - why is this not an option?

Well, we’ll see. I can cope with not sleeping through, it’s thr fact it takes about 2 hours from waking up to go back in the cot. It’s a killer and I hate it and it does make me angry and frustrated and then I feel like shit! Vicious circle. It helps to whinge.

Sorry just seen you can't take a day off. It's really tough, OP, but it WILL get better honestly. This is not "the easy bit" - it gets easier all the time, even with more kids.

My dentist has no appointments for a check up (not an emergency) until January. My GP is not even booking non emergency appointments - only emergency ones on the day.

A lot of these services are still not running normally or are booked up months in advance. My friend can’t ever get her pet to see a vet ffs
Why is it so hard to believe GPs and HVs are not suddenly accessible in all areas.

Oh also I'm not sure you need GP. I think you just need a rest.
Can you take a couple of annual leave days and just have them stay in bed and nap.

Do you have family that can help out on weekends?
Can you get a cleaner or gardener etc.
Just anything to minimise what you and DH need to do, even just for a short while.
Ask a friend to make some food for your freezer so it saves you time.
You need a break

@Overthecamelhump

OK *@Xmasfairy86* I’ll try to explain since you don’t believe me.

I work full time. GPs are not seeing people F2F. I would have to wait all day for a phone call. I can’t do this at work.

I can’t take a day off and even if I could it wouldn’t be a conversation I’d want to have on the phone and I am unlikely to have the privacy to do so.

HVs clinics are closed.

So I hope this solves your disbelief.

Everything that's suggested you just disregard!

You could take a day off work, either holiday or a sick day. You clearly are suffering so a sick day for your mental health is advisable.

You would have total privacy if you were off, your baby would be at nursery and you'd be home alone.

So you can get an appointment but you don't want to put the necessary measures in place to facilitate it.

Again, why isn't the load being shared?

That's shit. My oldest used to wake up screaming for long periods. He was a very snorey, snuffly breather though and I eventually noticed he also had sleep apnoea. He had his tonsils just after he turned 4 and doesn't wake up screaming anymore. He used to wake up crying for ages from naps too. Apparently the apnoea can cause them to have headaches and feel shit when they wake?

Would baby go back to sleep in with you?

Honestly I would throw everything you can into getting your baby sleeping through - it will make such a difference to how you feel about everything and your baby will be happier too.

This too shall pass. I'm sorry it's so shit at the moment but it will get better. Is there any way that your partner can take the baby for a bit so you can get even an hour to yourself? Sleep deprivation is a bitch xxx

Having seen your update I would personally call the GP and get signed of work for a few weeks. Then sleep and figure things out. As an employee you are protected and have rights. Looking back I powered through too much when I wish I hadn’t.

OP: I know they’re hard work when they’re tiny. It gets so much better when they’re bigger. It probably seems impossible but it won’t be so long before your baby offers to make you a cup of coffee in the morning. But it’s a hard slog when they’re little and so relentless if you don’t have a partner who’s involved. I hope that as your LO starts walking and talking it gets a bit more rewarding.

It’s hell on Earth OP, you have my sympathies.

@Overthecamelhump

Well, we’ll see. I can cope with not sleeping through, it’s thr fact it takes about 2 hours from waking up to go back in the cot. It’s a killer and I hate it and it does make me angry and frustrated and then I feel like shit! Vicious circle. It helps to whinge.

Oh, I remember this well. I definitely went through a period of this and got to breaking point and HAD to try some kind of sleep training but it all went back to square one if he was teething or Ill which at that time seemed every few weeks. I think 10-14 months was utter hell for me. I can't remember how it resolved but I think it was just time. I really feel for you, it's awful

@Overthecamelhump I feel your pain. I had 2 incredible non-sleeping babies and then a good(ish) sleeper. The relentlessness of it is so exhausting. I would happily have traded all my worldly goods (and definitely my DH) for a good night's sleep at that point.

It will get better, but in terms of helping you right now... you say that you struggle to settle DS after he wakes/feeds? Have you tried co-sleeping? Or taking the bars off the cot/buying a special co-sleeping cot (I think there is one called a next to me cot?) and having the cot up against your bed so he has his own space but is closer to you/easier to settle? Or having him in bed next to you on the outside with a bed guard (I did all three of these with DC2 and DC3 and all three helped). I had a co-sleeping cot for DC3 and it was a game changer. With DC1 I spent hours and hours trying to get him back in his cot and honestly, the path of least resistance is sometimes the one to take for your own sanity. I didn't even bother trying to get DC2 back into his own cot until he was about 18 months old and just dozed/slept with him next to me. Even though I was still waking frequently during the night being horizontal made it much more do-able and I was less of a zombie for work the next day...

Hang in there

How do you know I’d be home alone?

Im not purposefully disregarding anything. Im telling you what my life is like.

I'm on maternity leave but my nights are exactly like yours. So No advice I'm afraid just solidarity. I'm reliably informed it gets better but it feels like it will last forever

The first couple of years are actual hell yes. I've done it both with and without a partner and both hell in different ways.

Mine are 7 and 11 now. Full nights sleep, they eat normal food and we have actual fun.

Nothing on this earth would persuade me back to baby stage.

It will pass OP.