To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

Op it's not slagging off. I wouldn't have coped without my husband. He took the baby until 1am and then I did 1-7.

You've got to make changes to your life.

Why are you working in the evening when you've already done a full day? Why are you doing the two hours entertainment? Why are you bathing baby every evening? Why all the night wake ups?

I agree that it's pointless two being awake, so take it in turns?

Oh OP I really feel for you. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It doesn't last for long, honestly.

I haven't read the full thread so hopefully not saying anything unhelpful here, but this stage does not last that long. It WILL get better, you just need to dig deep. Speak to your GP.

I also did sleep training, well the 'old fashioned' way. Saved my sanity.

OK well the threads not going to be remotely helpful if I can’t be honest about how I feel about everything so I’ll leave it.

To summarise, at 2 in the afternoon I love my partner and baby more than anything.

At 2 in the morning I would strangle them both and probably enjoy it.

I thought you were a single parent too OP. This isn't about slagging your partner off but he really does need to swap with you so you can get some sleep. It's murder being so tired. Definitely do sleep training.

Great @twelvefiftynine

You know what? Even if we did that I’d still be nearly fucking dead because I don’t want to start my working day at 1am. You know.

I can’t speak to my GP or HV.

Have tried sleep training but it hasn’t worked

Out of interest, what techniques have you tried? It's hard to listen to your baby crying, but sometimes it's worth persevering

Sorry to hear your partner doesn't help. TBH, I assumed from your earlier posts that you were a single parent. Why doesn't he get up in the night, so it doesn't all fall on your shoulders?

How about swapping nights with your partner? Do a week each?

If you struggled to sleep train yourself then definitely pay someone to help - either to give you advice or encouragement remotely, or a night nanny to come in for a few nights and get it started.

@Draineddraineddrained

Sorry Oberthecamelhumo if he's watching you suffer and doing nothing tvhelp you then that's shitty behaviour. Maybe that's just one fight more than you have strength for right now so don't want to see it; but the point is you shouldn't have to fight for help. He should be offering it to you as you are miserable and he's supposed to love you. Plus it's his damn kid too!

But ok if you don't want to talk solutions, then you do have my sympathies. It is knackering, it does feel neverending and it's hard. I'm sorry you're struggling x

Agree with this. It’s hard enough when you do have a partner that actually does their share, it must be absolutely soul-crushing when you have one that is there but leaves all the exhausting grind bit to you.

Can you afford a Baby sleep consultant, ive not personally used but heard they are worth their weight in gold?

Lack of sleep is hard and makes everything else seem so much worse.

Im sure once you get a good sleep routine and full night sleep again things will improve x

A 10 month old is probably over stimulated and over tired from nursery.

Would a childminder be an option so it's more of a home environment? Or cut your hours down while he's so small?

Something has to change for the sake of your sanity.

OP, I'm not sure what were you hoping to get from this thread. People have tried to make helpful suggestions, but you reject them all

It's hard OP, you're not wrong.

Aim to have a tiny space of time for yourself each day, even if it's only five minutes. Go for a walk, paint your nails, do a bit of cloudwatching. It makes it less incessant. In the hard moments, plan what you're going to do in your next bit of time for yourself.

What went wrong with the sleep training? When we did it (gradual retreat) DH was the one who did everything with it. DD associated me with milk and co-sleeping so she would be much less likely to settle.

If you can night wean and sleep train, it would be a big help.

@Overthecamelhump

Great *@twelvefiftynine*

You know what? Even if we did that I’d still be nearly fucking dead because I don’t want to start my working day at 1am. You know.

I can’t speak to my GP or HV.

People are trying to help and I don't believe that you can't get any type of appointment tech your doctor. Even for two weeks time or a telephone appointment.

Again, why can't your DP share the load?

@SheWoreYellow

You can sleep train gently ... basically you let themselves scream themselves to sleep

The fact someone can write these two things side by side and not see how that makes no sense boggles my mind. But that's an aside. I'm aware for some families, extinction sleep training is the lesser of two evils (if it's that or a parental breakdown/physically assaulting the baby), but to call leaving your child to scream themselves to sleep gentle just because you sit there watching them do it is delusional in the extreme.

@Overthecamelhump

Great *@twelvefiftynine*

You know what? Even if we did that I’d still be nearly fucking dead because I don’t want to start my working day at 1am. You know.

I can’t speak to my GP or HV.

Do you have access to any mental health helplines through your employer just to talk things through?

lack of sleep sent me fucking loopy, I was hallucinating, seeing giant spiders and all sorts. As soon as you get sleep sorted it does get better.

Also, if you get to have the odd meet up with friends, whether old friends or other mums, it can really help to relieve the pressure and you can vent a bit.

Babies are massively over rated. Too much hard work and they don't give much back.

Looking back every time I think, hmm maybe we should have had another one, I remember the baby stage and think no.

DS was an easy baby in many ways - he just wouldn't sleep and feed.

I HATED the bit around 10 months. It was absoluetely the pits and the one bit I really didn't enjoy. It was the worst age for me.

It began to improve around 13months when he started toddling.

I don't think there is much I can say that will help except that I think you are at peak shit time when you are so worn out with it all, they need constant attention and there is little emotional reward for it. And it will improve in the coming months.

Toddlers are much more of a joy. Snotty, grumpy, annoying and moody but they start to develop little quirks and a personality.

The one thing I would say is that your comment about letting your parent do all the nights is unfair, is where you need to stop. Its not about being fair. Its about what you need. You need some help and a break to get your head right so you can move forward. Be 'unfair' for a while if it helps you state of mind. Let him get on with it. In the long run its better for you both because you'll feel more able to cope. Don't be a martyr for the sake of it. Thats not criticising your partner - thats you admitting you've hit the brick wall and need support. Thats really fair enough. I think you need to allow yourself you do that.

I certainly had moment like that where I had to say, you just need to suck it up and do this because I can't right now. Its normal. You just need to feel ok about doing this rather than having this pressure on yourself to cope and manage and you are somehow failing or made a dreadful decision because you are going through a bad patch.

Before you decide you've ruined your whole life, get through this point and into toddlerhood.

OP, you might be about to lose your temper with me but can I ask some basic questions?

When you're feeding your baby/baby wakes - are you putting the light on/talking to him/her? I only ask this because a friend of mine was having the same problems and she was switching the overhead light on when the child woke and then going in like it was daytime ("Hello Darling, are you awake, chat chat chat") and of course her child was waking up completely and then taking an age to get back to sleep. I'm sure you aren't doing this, but I thought I'd mention it.

I read a great book by an old school children's nanny - Rachel Waddilove, How to Enjoy Year One. She's not as hardcore as Gina Whatserface but she was very good in terms of what should happen when and how to manage night feeds. I was clueless when I had my child (had him in my 40s and never been around babies at all) so I basically did everything she said and it (mostly) worked perfectly.

I know it is hard - I remember being caught by a speed camera racing home to see my child for a couple of hours between nursery and bed and when I got home he wouldn't come to me and just hung onto my husband. That was one of many shit days; I didn't enjoy the baby years. He's now off to school, life is good and parenting is (mostly) fun.

I'd also perservere with the GP and HV - there must be some process if you say you're really struggling (she says, hopefully). Good luck to you. xx

It was lack of sleep plus the grinding constantness of it all that got to me most. I remember bursting into tears at the bus stop one morning in the way into work, just thinking about how it was going to be a hard day and then a hard evening and then a hard night and then starting the whole cycle again even more tired, and then, and then…

I haven’t asked for advice and I can’t say I was particularly analysing my motives for starting it at whatever ridiculous time in the morning I did.

But people saying ‘Why are you … Why on earth are you …’ does get my back up, as I ‘hear’ it in an incredulous tone which clearly expresses the fact I am a complete moron who shouldn’t be bringing up a hamster never mind a baby and if I just did THIS then all would be well.

Sleep consultant is a no go. This is an area where I agree partner is unhelpful. Have tried gentle sleep training and Ferber but neither worker so not even sure it would work at all. Probably wouldn’t. I’m a bit cynical by now.

Baby is night weaned, refuses milk at night. Just screams. No one knows why. It is a habit but can’t seem to break it.

It will change, won’t be waking up for 2 hours in the middle of the night for a 17 year old of course, but it is shit and I am fed up!

OP, the first year or so can be hell, it's true. People used to say to me. 'Oh this stage won't last forever' and I'd think, 'But I can't stand another week of this, let alone another month or six months.'

It sounds like you need and certainly deserve some help. Is there anyone around - the baby's father, family members from either side, close friends or a trustworthy local babysitter who could take the baby for three hours every weekend so you get to have a bath, take a nap, think your own thoughts?

Could you afford or would a family member help pay for a night nurse once or twice a week so you can sleep through. If I had my time again I would have insisted on this. The sleep deprivation is the killer.

Also, it's easy to say this with hindsight but I regret spending so long 'trying to entertain baby' as you say. It is so exhausting and soul destroying. Stick the baby in a front facing sling and potter around at home. Feed the baby while watching a TV programme of your choice, or listening to music you like or a podcast you enjoy. Of course there will be many times when the baby squawks and pukes and stops you form doing this, but there will also be times when you get half an hour, here and there.

I promise you it gets easier. Far far easier. The babies who almost killed me by never sleeping now take me out for surprise tea in lovely London hotels, or blitz the house if I've been working away so I come home to a sparkling bathroom and reorganised study. They bring me cups of tea and fix all my tech issues in seconds. They advise on style. They join me on adventures from climbing mountains to going to art exhibitions and music festivals.

The hellish first year passes and you almost forget it. After that, there is a person to love who loves you back and it's worth it.

I find it hard to believe you cannot get an appointment with GP/HV. Might be a wait, and you will need to persevere, but you will get one.

You need to sit down with partner and talk about the ways you are struggling and where/how they can help. I know it’s sometimes easier to just do it all yourself because it gets done but that’s not helping anyone in the long run.

Ahhh I really understand you OP

I’ve got 2 under 2 and by 7:30pm each evening I’d happily get on a train, ride off into the sunset and never look back! By 6am the next morning I’ve recharged (mine do sleep relatively ok) and I love them more than life itself I think this is just how it is.
Is it fun? No
Is it easy? No
Is it ‘worth it’? … ask me in a couple of years

BTW I tried sleep training. Nope just nope. Wasn't going to work. DS just has always had massive FOMO!!! He still doesn't sleep properly and we've tried everything. He's 7. We have finally just resigned ourselves to the reality that he's just not a sleeper and doesn't need as much as other kids (he's well behaved and doing ok at school so its not affecting that).

I know my brother was the same. I have come to the conclusion that some kids just aren't sleepers and you can't force the situation.