To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

Also - dummies worked with DC3. She only had them at night (which is why she was my best sleeper) and she had them until she was 3 and then she gave them all up for a trip to Peppa Pig World and her teeth/speech have not been affected. Might be worth a try if it's comfort he's after...

@Overthecamelhump

How do you know I’d be home alone?

Im not purposefully disregarding anything. Im telling you what my life is like.

Sigh

You are constantly putting obstacles in the way. Go into another room, lock yourself in the bathroom for the call? Sit in the car?

Again, why is your partner not sharing the load?

Yeah he has a dummy thanks … it can help settle but he also pulls it out! I do think there’s an element of self sabotage there sometimes. It is so frustrating when they scream with exhaustion and feel like saying ‘go to fucking sleep then!’

When the baby wakes just grab him and bring him in the bed with you. Whatever it takes for everyone to get back to sleep. And stop working in the evening, you’re martyring yourself and your company don’t care if you die from stress ultimately.

Do you have older children OP?

Oh Razor give over. I am feeling really bloody harassed by you now. How the hell am I supposed to tell my HV to sit in the fucking car with me?

And I can’t take annual leave in my job (have a think) so I’d need to take a sick day and explain that too.

Can people really not accept ‘My life is shit but it will improve’? Does there have to be a ‘you NEED to do THIS’ to everything?

I have a partner who helps by not helping sometimes (coming in and talking to me when I’m trying to get the baby to sleep)

I read your initial post and thought you must be a single mum struggling on your own.
Now I see you have a partner.
What can they do to take some of the load off you?
They need to be doing more.

Again, why can't your DP share the load?

I can't speak for OP but it's amazing how many times MNers bring up "Just get your DH to do it" in a smug accusatory tone like it's the ultimate magic solution. Every relationship is different and complex. These are just a handful of reasons why it might not work for everyone:

• The partner does do as much as he can, but it's not ENOUGH. Some women might need 3-4 hours every day, or an entire week's holiday, to get their MH back on track. A partner taking the baby for a bit or doing some chores is great but not a long-term solution.

• Some partners might have health problems like back pain or insomnia which makes forcing them to do night wakings unnecessarily cruel. Some might have ASD or ADHD making focusing on tasks that do no interest them extremely difficult and detrimental to the relationship

• Some partners might be under a lot of stress in their own right, like work issues, business debt, travel, ill parents etc. There might be a tiny vestige of love left in the relationship that the woman will rather take over most of the baby tasks than put him under even more strain.

• Some relationships might have a tilted power dynamic, in that requesting the partner to do something means he can use that against the woman to slack off elsewhere, or trade it for even more free time. Some men might genuinely believe that changing a few smelly diapers (30 seconds) entitles them to hours of free time with their friends on the weekend because of the perceived unpleasantness of the task.

• This doesn't even touch upon relationships that are genuinely abusive, whether it's financial, emotional or physical. Women with manipulative or narcisstic partners would not dare to give the "Pull your weight or fuck off" ultimatum" which many MNer feel is the only appropriate response.

• Babies are a horrifically exhausting albeit temporary phase. They will grow up and the experience of a 3 year old (sleep wise) is dramatically different to that of a 6 month old. Splitting up because a man doesn't do a perceived share of childcare is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

• Leading to the final point of how separated or divorced parents affect children on a long term basis. There is obviously no single right answer as every relationship is different. Many marriages hit rocky patches but might look very different 5 or 10 years down the line.

So yeah, no easy answer. I doubt any women in a difficult situation like this has NOT attempted to talk to her partner about it.

Yeah I’ve tried that If but I get kicked and punched that much … I have tried co sleeping but it made me seriously hate my child. I’m not joking. I had some very black thoughts when I got jerked out of a light doze with a kick to the stomach that Jordan Pickford would have been proud of.

OP, sometimes we just want to rant, vent, and let off steam. I have the impression that's what you wanted here. I hope things get better for you

Also a lot of people put a hell of a lot of stock into sleep training but sometimes it just doesn't suit the baby and some parents can feel conflicted by it because it's done basically for selfish reasons to help the parents out at the babies expense (I know I was conflicted and riddled with guilt doing it) It can be awful to trial which one is the right way and I personally couldn't stand to hear my boy screaming.
I made peace with the fact that if he was crying and screaming his head off, he needed comforted and cuddles and made to feel safe.
Not everyone can just follow through with sleep training and it is much easier said than done and doesn't always work. Some babies just don't sleep as we have been made to believe they should.
Our expectations are scewed from the get go and sets us up to feel frustrated and compare our babies to others

Both me and my brother slept so well and I think it's down to the fact my parents just left us to cry from really very early on....
My dad seems to think this is normal and would always tell me and DH to leave DS in cot and he'd sleep etc.
No
He only stopped commenting on it when my MIL told him neither of her children slept well and it's just down to luck.

That’s the thing User.

It doesn’t matter if we split the night. It still amounts to about 3 hours broken sleep each when the baby is like this.

Can people really not accept ‘My life is shit but it will improve’? Does there have to be a ‘you NEED to do THIS’ to everything?

You shouldn't accept your life being shit because you have a useless partner who leaves you to stay up with the baby for hours every night. Neither should you.

OK well thank you for that.

@User5490453456

Again, why can't your DP share the load?

I can't speak for OP but it's amazing how many times MNers bring up "Just get your DH to do it" in a smug accusatory tone like it's the ultimate magic solution. Every relationship is different and complex. These are just a handful of reasons why it might not work for everyone:

• The partner does do as much as he can, but it's not ENOUGH. Some women might need 3-4 hours every day, or an entire week's holiday, to get their MH back on track. A partner taking the baby for a bit or doing some chores is great but not a long-term solution.

• Some partners might have health problems like back pain or insomnia which makes forcing them to do night wakings unnecessarily cruel. Some might have ASD or ADHD making focusing on tasks that do no interest them extremely difficult and detrimental to the relationship

• Some partners might be under a lot of stress in their own right, like work issues, business debt, travel, ill parents etc. There might be a tiny vestige of love left in the relationship that the woman will rather take over most of the baby tasks than put him under even more strain.

• Some relationships might have a tilted power dynamic, in that requesting the partner to do something means he can use that against the woman to slack off elsewhere, or trade it for even more free time. Some men might genuinely believe that changing a few smelly diapers (30 seconds) entitles them to hours of free time with their friends on the weekend because of the perceived unpleasantness of the task.

• This doesn't even touch upon relationships that are genuinely abusive, whether it's financial, emotional or physical. Women with manipulative or narcisstic partners would not dare to give the "Pull your weight or fuck off" ultimatum" which many MNer feel is the only appropriate response.

• Babies are a horrifically exhausting albeit temporary phase. They will grow up and the experience of a 3 year old (sleep wise) is dramatically different to that of a 6 month old. Splitting up because a man doesn't do a perceived share of childcare is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

• Leading to the final point of how separated or divorced parents affect children on a long term basis. There is obviously no single right answer as every relationship is different. Many marriages hit rocky patches but might look very different 5 or 10 years down the line.

So yeah, no easy answer. I doubt any women in a difficult situation like this has NOT attempted to talk to her partner about it.

Whatever the reason it needs to be addressed as OP is not coping.

So none of those are reason for a partner to not help with their child. Does she just accept it and become seriously unwell, because from what I'm reading she is heading their.

Albeit, no matter what is suggested she disregards it.

@Overthecamelhump

That’s the thing User.

It doesn’t matter if we split the night. It still amounts to about 3 hours broken sleep each when the baby is like this.

What about alternate nights then?

OP, you know it will improve but yes, it's total shit right now. You are totally entitled to vent and rant. I hope things improve quickly for you

I'm actually confused as to what job doesn't allow annual leave..is that not against the law?

Can you get signed off with fatigue then?

@Overthecamelhump

That’s the thing User.

It doesn’t matter if we split the night. It still amounts to about 3 hours broken sleep each when the baby is like this.

Early shift and late shift?

We do 8/9- 2am, and 2am-7. So we each get our 5 hours stretch and whatever in between the babies . We are like passing ships, but it’s temporary at least.

My partner helped me with the night feeds when our DD was tiny. But when it got to the stage OP is facing, waking for no reason and taking forever to go back to sleep, I did it, every time. Because it worked better for me. Baby responded better for me. It doesn't have to mean laziness, abuse or even health issues. It just worked better, even though it left me half dead every day.

Most partners who are content to watch the mother of their child suffer this much without bothering their arse to pitch in aren’t going to change their ways because said partner asks them nicely/sternly/whatever. Most partners who do this know full well they’re getting the better end of the deal but think this is just their natural lot in life.

A fair number will find other ways to make that partner wish she’d never bothered asking in the first place, passive-aggressively or otherwise.

I’m so sorry OP. I can totally relate to your experience of the nights. The 2-3 hour night wakes. Horrendous. And I was on maternity leave at 10m, so I don’t know how you’re coping!! You aren’t doing anything wrong. Some babies are just shit sleepers.

For what it’s worth, I found that my DD needs less sleep overall than other babies. She dropped to one nap at 10 months, and her sleep overnight was much better for it. If she gets too much sleep in the day she just doesn’t seem able to stay asleep/fall back to sleep quickly at night. She is now 18m and is going through an absolutely glorious phase of sleeping through. If she ever does wake, DH goes to her as she is much less interested in him than me, so she gets comfort but isn’t motivated to try and stay up for my company. I honestly didn’t think it would help that much but it transformed our nights. I am feeling much less murderous as a result. Really, really hope it gets better for you soon.

@Overthecamelhump

That’s the thing User.

It doesn’t matter if we split the night. It still amounts to about 3 hours broken sleep each when the baby is like this.

Yes I get it. It's amazing how obtuse many users are being. If the baby wakes up and cries, it's usually the mother who's awake anyway. So not much of a point shoving your partner out of a sound sleep to deal with the problem when you are awake and if the baby doesn't settle well with him, you can't sleep anyway to the sound of shrieking.

Oh and a final point is "weaponised incompetence". Some men do help but they deliberately don't or CAN'T complete the task in question. Especially if it's baby related, they might only settle for the mother and having a partner attempt to do it often makes things worse for both parents. The toddler phase is hell for this, as they often become attached to a primary caregiver so it's not as easy as just swapping people around and expecting the same routine to work perfectly.

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@SheWoreYellow

You can sleep train gently ... basically you let themselves scream themselves to sleep

The fact someone can write these two things side by side and not see how that makes no sense boggles my mind. But that's an aside. I'm aware for some families, extinction sleep training is the lesser of two evils (if it's that or a parental breakdown/physically assaulting the baby), but to call leaving your child to scream themselves to sleep gentle just because you sit there watching them do it is delusional in the extreme.[/quote]
Perhaps you missed the tone to my post.

A baby that is pissed off because it can’t get to sleep, and is being sporadically patted to sleep doesn’t seem like the worst thing in the world to me. It’s an unpleasant but not cruel means to an end so that the parent can do a better job of being a parent because they are not on their knees with exhaustion.

Compared to “cry it out” it does seem gentle. I’ve done it. I don’t think I’m deluded.