To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

Do you have anyone at all that could give you a break? I'm much past my baby rearing days and I'd be more than willing to take a friend or family member's baby out in a pram or sit in the kitchen/garden with the baby while you got a well deserved rest.

Alternatively, could you get a short term au pair or even an experienced babysitter to allow you to rest. You wouldn't even have to go out!

Once you've had a break, you'll start to feel better about your baby more than likely. And if not, you may need some additional support, like counselling, to help you get through this early period.

Take care, I've been there, it does get better.

Where is the baby's dad is all of this?

Can your family help out at all? Even for just a couple of hours so you can get some kip?

Sounds really tough.

It is really fucking hard. But it'll get easier, baby will sleep more and so will you. Baby will entertain him or herself more easily
Hang in there and contact HV for support

@HarrietsChariot I think you should shut up. Right now!

''I don't think that would work. Would it be wise for a parent who wants no involvement to be forced to take on their responsibilities? I'd imagine it would lead to an increase in neglect and abuse.

Really, both parents have the ability to opt out already because you can always give the child up for adoption.

As the OP's case demonstrates, it is crucial that expectant parents fully understand what they're taking on while there is still time to have an abortion. The OP's case is a common story, and her life will continue like this for several years. Indeed, the most demanding times are yet to come. It is what it is though, there's no turning back so you just have to plough through the next decade or two, then have some semblence of your life back.''

None of that is helpful and is extremely brutal

I found the first year back after maternity leave more challenging than the maternity leave itself. It was so hard.

DD was always ill or teething (then I caught all the illnesses!), she was going through a phase of waking at 5am. So she’d be overtired or in pain and scream hours before nursery and hours after. I thought about quitting, especially during Covid when I realised how much more chilled she was at home.

SO glad I didn’t though. By 20 months it was loads better. By 2 it was easy, by 3 I enjoyed it! Pre schoolers are amazing. . She gets into the car herself, doesn’t run off, goes to the loo herself, dresses herself. Has lovely little friends and is so sociable. She’s learned so much by being at nursery. The shit stage will be over before you know it.

I do have 7 week old newborn twins now though…

My advice is to look after yourself so you can look after the baby. Take vitamins (low ironed messed me up), get as much help as you can, stop any Mum guilt because it’s pointless, and prep as much as you can. I found DD does better with long days at nursery where they give her an evening afternoon tea, and sometimes breakfast!

You’re doing amazing, really.

@HarrietsChariot what is wrong with you! stop commenting on this thread.

It gets better. Honestly I felt like this after maternity leave when mine were still waking and needing lots of care because they were tiny. It gets better with age.

Sorry you’re struggling op. Hope you have some friends \family you can ask for support. Make sure you do ask if you have anyone.

Could you be suffering from PND? Sending hugs. Having children is HARD!

“ As the OP's case demonstrates, it is crucial that expectant parents fully understand what they're taking on while there is still time to have an abortion. The OP's case is a common story, and her life will continue like this for several years. Indeed, the most demanding times are yet to come. It is what it is though, there's no turning back so you just have to plough through the next decade or two, then have some semblence of your life back.”

This is the stupidest thing I’ve seen all morning….and I’ve been on Tiktok.
Of course it’s important that people who want abortions can access them and of course it would be best if parents fully understood how hard parenting is before having a child.

However, this is irrelevant for op. She has a baby already and there’s no suggestion that she didn’t want the baby.

People….lots of people…struggle when they have a baby, particularly when balancing different commitments like work and childcare and especially if they don’t have a support network around them to help with care of the baby. People need help through this stage, not suggestions about what they could have done before the baby existed.

@Suzi888

I mean this in a nice way, but what did you think it was going to be like…. it’s hard, very hard especially on your own. Do you have any family to help out? Could you afford a cleaner/someone to do the washing / ironing that kind of thing? It will get easier, baby will start sleeping through and you’ll get more rest. Are you able to book any annual leave, but still baby to nursery so you get some time to yourself… You sound like your doing really well to be working and looking after your baby, although fb it’s very draining- things will improve.

Well no actually. I never thought it could be that hard. And I doubt many people actually realise how hard it is unless you’ve had the opportunity to see it close up. So yes a good friend of mine knew. She knew because her mum was young when she had her and then remarried and had more dcs. She saw as a teen and later teen what it meant to live in a house with a baby. She had first hand experience. For most people? Nope. You see bits and bobs but I doubt anyone has a clear idea of what it means.

Must admit I skimmed the responses but here’s the thing.

I fucking hate parenting at 12, 2 and 4 in the morning, which is the pattern at the moment. It doesn’t mean I hate my child or want to give him up for adoption (for fucks sake)

Have tried sleep training but it hasn’t worked.

Baby is nearly 10 months.

I have a partner who helps by not helping sometimes (coming in and talking to me when I’m trying to get the baby to sleep)

I can’t talk to GP or HV as no appointments.

So I am stuck with it.

I always hate being a mum at night. Not during the day but now I’m at work so don’t experience the nice stuff as much.

And ‘what did you think it would be like’ well yeah I knew I’d get woken at night. Naively I thought I’d feed and go back to bed. That’s what kills me. It’s not the wake ups, it’s the length of time it takes to get the baby back in bed.

Oh sweetheart. It can be so brutal. I promise it can (and will) get better - but for now...

• please reach out to family and friends
• please reach out to a health visitor or GP for an honest chat. You are definitely not the first woman who's experienced this, and they can help
• keep asking for help on here. So many of us have felt similar. It can be really hard. I do feel for you x

I have a partner who helps by not helping sometimes

Why is he not stepping up to help you? You sound on your knees. I wouldn't want to see someone I love going through that without even trying to help...

Well, that’s what I’ve tried to explain. He does help. But sometimes the help is not particularly helpful. Tempting as it is to let him do all the nights I can’t honestly say that would be fair.

Your problem is your shitty useless partner, not your baby. How dare he watch you work yourself into the ground and do nothing? Unless you're breastfeeding, there is no reason for you to be up every time baby is. Even if you are, you could get up and feed baby then hand over to DP for settling at least once a night. It's his baby too and he does NOT get to leave it all to you. Wanker.

Take it in turns with partner to get up. My DH could not cope with sleep deprivation during the week, but I could function better on limited sleep. So I did week nights and he did weekends. Worked for us.
DC slept better at about 2"
Good luck

Do alternate nights then. Or alternate wake-ups. But either way he needs to do his share. Otherwise how the fuck is this fair on you? You're working full time, you can't be expected to do all the baby stuff too.

I’d help you. Where are you? I remember this stage and it’s bloody awful. I had no help which is why I help others.

OP, it will get better. It’s shit when you can sleep but it won’t be forever.

Good luck.

Oh god can we not turn this into a slag off partners?

He isn’t shitty or useless, he gets stuff wrong, like I do, it’s what it is. I had an absolutely shit night, my baby doesn’t sleep well at all at night and it feels never ending although it isn’t.

PS I thought my first would NEVER sleep. She was AWFUL. Woke every 45 minutes on the dot for months. Thought I was going to go insane or crash the car I was so tired.

Night weaning at 18 months helped. Dropping the morning nap helped more. By 20 months, we were down to 1 or maybe 2 wakes a night. By 2.5, she was sleeping through reliably. You WILL get there. But only if your shitty partner steps up will you do so with a shred of your mental health intact.

If he really is that fucking useless that he can't help even if you tell him he must, I can recommend bed sharing for absolutely maximising what sleep you do get. But it is hard and I'm really sorry ❤️ things do get better. This is a really tricky age and stage, when you're back to work but they still need so so much from you.

@Overthecamelhump

Well, that’s what I’ve tried to explain. He does help. But sometimes the help is not particularly helpful. Tempting as it is to let him do all the nights I can’t honestly say that would be fair.

And is it fair that you are up every night? He doesn't have to do all the nights. You need to share it out. If you are breastfeeding can you express for night time bottles and then leave partner to see to the baby?

Sorry Oberthecamelhumo if he's watching you suffer and doing nothing tvhelp you then that's shitty behaviour. Maybe that's just one fight more than you have strength for right now so don't want to see it; but the point is you shouldn't have to fight for help. He should be offering it to you as you are miserable and he's supposed to love you. Plus it's his damn kid too!

But ok if you don't want to talk solutions, then you do have my sympathies. It is knackering, it does feel neverending and it's hard. I'm sorry you're struggling x

You've got a partner? Your posts read like you're a single parent. Hes equally responsible for your son. Also I'm the last person to start questioning if there's mental health issues normally but your posts read so impersonal just mentioning baby constantly, rather than son or daughter, only 1 post says he. Not suggesting PND of course but how are you feeling?

You've made him sound shitty and useless. You can't blame pp's for making observations on what you wrote op