To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

If the babies old enough to be in nursery they might be old enough to do controlled crying? I did it with my youngest two and have slept solidly barring illness for the last two years!

Everything seems worse when you’re sleep deprived so might be worth a try.

How old are they?

I know is currently the done thing to be a complete marytr to your children even if it's harmful to you (and possibly them). But you just need to ignore your child more.

So when they wake after the bath, feed.

And when they wake in the middle of the night - feed and then ignore them. They're not going to come to any harm and you'll feel better.

Existing on 4 hours sleep is really not good for you.

I think you definitely sound like you’re depressed (and with good reason!) Talk go your GP and get some anti-depressants. A lot of people think it’s bad somehow or feel ashamed, but there is nothing wrong with it and they can make you feel a lot better very quickly.

At the moment you’re doing a great job managing all the work, which is very hard, but you’re not feeling any of the joy and love which makes it all doable and worthwhile. This is how I’ve felt when I’ve been depressed in the past and ADs really do help with this.

I really hope you feel better soon.

I hated baby stage, it was shit. Dc woke all the time, I got no sleep and was a zombie in work. Started gentle sleep training at 7 months because I was losing my mind, it worked pretty well and dc began sleeping through the night just before she turned 1, it was like a bloody miracle! She's a delightful 5 year old now, much prefer this age. She's sweet, funny, good at entertaining herself, neighbours have kids she loves playing with, I love going on adventures with her. I hated it when people kept saying it will get better when she was a baby, but it is true. You're in the thick of it now and it's rubbish, but it will end and you'll barely remember it.

You can sleep train gently. We had a sleep consultant as our was waking every 40 minutes at 8 months. She did Gradual Retreat.

Google it, but basically you let themselves scream themselves to sleep, but you’re sitting with them. So they’re annoyed not frightened. It helped from the first night with us. Then after a few nights you move a few inches away. Few weeks and you’re out the door.

There’s a reason sleep deprivation can be used as a form of torture. Some people can tolerate sleep deprivation better than others - i’ve met people who have a lack of sleep and just feel a bit grumpy, but for many others it can leave you feeling utterly hopeless and even like having suicidal ideation.

When you add in the massive lifestyle change of a new baby it is just such an intense and often horrible time for so many new parents. Just because people tell you it’ll be hard it doesn’t mean you can possibly be prepared for the reality of living like that every day for weeks or months.

Makes it hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. It does improve and you will get there but that is cold comfort right now.

If there is any extra support to be had or anyone you can reach out to then i encourage you to do that.

Having a baby is so, so hard and I completely understand where you're coming from. Remember that this stage is just temporary, the baby stage won't last forever, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now.

Do you have any support? A partner? Family that you can speak to?

I've been where you are op and the only thing I can say is that it gets better.

I'll probably get flamed for saying this but I don't think many people can really have a happy life working full time with a young baby. I have a friend who has a baby wo really is the most perfect baby in terms of sleeping through the night, being very happy and settled all day, in an excellent routine etc but even she is thoroughly exhausted since returning to work full time.

It just isn’t possible to work full time and have a baby, especially if you’re a single parent. There isn’t enough hours in the day.

Can you change to part time?

I agree with the sleep train. My anecdotal experience is - one or two nights of crying for somewhere between 0-10minutes (I never knew - I did the routine, put them down, fixed a glass of wine and went to the top of the garden for ten minutes where I couldn't hear them). On day 3 I didn't need to go to the top of the garden. They've both slept through ever since. Yes, they cried - but cumulatively far far less than the babies who can't self soothe.

I also think it should be criminal the way one parent gets to simply opt out of parenting, as seems to be the case here. Should be illegal, though how you enforce it, I have no idea.

I only liked my DC when they were 4 and 6 years old.

I only loved them when they were 6 and 8 years old.

My DC are now 8 and 10 years old and I can say it is great having them around

People ask if I will have a 3rd. I tell them to fuck off.

Nothing prepares you for how hard it is , I wasn't a naive youngster I was 38 and it hit me like a ton of bricks ! I felt the same as you and I had a shit partner to boot .
I promise you it does get easier,....I never had any more though !

Your child WILL sleep more at some point and everything will be so much easier.
You don’t say how old they are - much depends on this.

How old is your baby? OP I have been there!! And the only thing that helped was sleep training. I used babywise and a version of ferber but there are loads of methods out there. As soon as baby can self soothe and fall asleep you will sleep too and your life will be completely different.

I did everything for Dd and Ds in the beginning. If there was a whimper I would be there for them. They slept in a cot with the side down by the side of my bed so I didn’t have to get out of bed if they cried in the night.
I would also keep them up with me until I went to bed so I might not have been getting any evening time without them but when I went to bed they also went to bed.

It sounds like you could be getting more sleep if you shifted the 2am -6am sleep to starting at 1am or midnight or earlier as it sounds like it is the alarm clocks and not the baby that is waking you.
No idea if it was my method of reassuring them that I was there for them always or they were naturally sleeping 6 hours in one night or it was timing the 6 hours sleep but as the 6 hours were between midnight and 6am it felt like a full nights sleep but at 9 and then 10 weeks respectively both slept through the night whilst those putting babies to bed earlier in the evening had broken nights sleep for a lot longer as the baby was sleeping for 6 hours but that was between 7.30-8.30pm and 1.30-2.30am which meant that the parents were getting up in the night and trying to get baby back to sleep was the baby had already had their main sleep and as you have found the baby could spend a couple of hours getting tired again and drifting back off to sleep

No advice but you're not alone.

I was in your position so had to sleep train to get back to work at 4 months. Managed to have a cleaner each Wednesday but hard to pay for it. If you are getting sleep the world seems a whole lot better. What is your social network like. A friend popping in for an hour could help, or is there a kindred spirit on line or a group? Don’t rule out depression and the help available for that. I agree that first year is the hardest. My second, as part of a couple was so easy. You should be proud of doing so much and the resilience you are having to find will help in future life and career.
As a granny now, I make sure the young parents get support so that my daughter has an easier time and can enjoy motherhood. Hope you can get out at the weekend, even if only the park. You will have a special bond with your child

Ok, your priority now is getting the sleep sorted. Once you get a full, unbroken night's sleep, EVERYTHING will feel more manageable.

You're probably too tired to think about it properly, I certainly was. If you have any £££ at all, invest in a (good) sleep consultant, or a cheaper option is an online course. Follow it to the letter and maybe plan to start across a few days when you're off work (a bank holiday?).
OOnce baby starts sleeping better, their behaviour may also improve, so do whatever you can to get the sleep in a better place.

There will be different challenges ahead yes, but some people are better suited to different stages. So you struggle with the baby lack of sleep phase, you might find having a teen easier. And once they grow up theres more fun to be had. It's no walk in the park but there will be better times ahead. Meantime dont beat yourself up, put cbeebies on if you're knackered and put your feet up.

This just isn’t the age you enjoy, and that’s fine.
Every parent enjoys different ages for different reasons.

It will pass, two years in the grand scheme of things isn’t a long time at all. Things might get easier sooner, for your mental health then I hope it does.

You sound like you’re in quite a dark place.

I would urge you to have a frank and honest discussion with your GP or Heath Visitor for some support.

It IS hard but it can also be wonderful and joyous.

Please ask for RL support.