How do you find hours in your child's routine to take her to mils?

[Sophie1029734]

Im struggling to find a long enough gap in 18m olds routine to satisfy mil. She complains I dont stay longer than 1 30hr to 2 hours. I tend to go after her lunch up until her dinner time.

Here is the routine
Wakes between 7-8am
Breakfast 7.30-8.30am (30mins after wakeing)
Play time, gets cranky and clingy ready for her nap
10-11am nap
12-1pm wakes
Lunch 12.30-1.30pm
1-2pm comes out of highchair
3.30pm dinner
4.30 comes out of highchair
Play time
5.30 to 6pm bath
play time

8.00 bed

LO wont eat around other peoples houses and hasnt done since she was about 9m, I'll be lucky if she has a couple bites.. When I stay at my nans every 2 weeks for 3 days, she barely eats anything. Same with when we go out to eat. She also gets excited when we people crowd round her eating (which mil and everyone living there does) and demands to get out the chair. Mil says I should come earlier and give her lunch there or stay later and give her dinner there. She just wont eat it, I'd rather her feel comfortable.

shes going through sleep regression, its currently only affecting her naps. She spends most the morning clingy and cranky for her nap so takeing her in the morning isnt an option. All hell will break loose if anyone tries to play with her if she is tierd. There will be tantrums, crying, clingyness and not wanting to play with anyone. She now isnt napping till 12.30 till 1 despite being very tierd, this takes me to 2.30-3. Shea missing her lunch so wakes hungry for dinner. It's so difficult, I dont understand how I'm supposed to go round for 3 to 4 hours. I work round her routine, I dont change it to fit other peoples. How do people manage it

@Sophie1029734

From this post I have relised that the routine is restrictive. When tommorows dinner times come along, I'll leave it for a bit longer and see how it goes.

try and swap her dinner and her toast snack around :)

you seem to be doing it in the order

breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner, snack, supper.

Swap it to lunch, snack, dinner, supper - life might get abit easier.

As well as limiting sitting at the table to a max of 20 minutes. Faffing about with food and all that is sign she's no longer hungry :)

You LO spends far too long eating, 30 mins max and then it gets take away. Sounds like there’s a lot of pressure on her to eat. I’d just relax about that tbh.

Anyway, 11am lunch, nap after lunch. Snack on waking. I wouldn’t give dinner until about 4.30/5, maybe later. If DD isn’t going to bed till 8 then no need for bath until 7ish and then wind down time after that. That frees up a good 3 hours in the PM when you can go out.

Don’t let your days be dictated by meals.

Nevertheless and regardless of all of the above, you don’t have to see MIL if you don’t want to. I see FIL once a fortnight and that’s enough!

@00100001

OK, she's happy. great.

but really, she's in her highchair at mealtimes for AN HOUR?

the reason she takes ages to eat, is because she probbaly just isn't hungry after 15 minutes.

Honestly, server her food (at whatever time you think is right) and then after 15 minutes if she's fannying around, ask of she's finished. believe her if she says "yes"and remove the food - ask her what she's eating next if she says "no" - if she prats about, remove the food and get her down. Stay with her (preferably eating with her as well) chat about all sort of crap that isn't what food she is or isn't eating.

Then both get down from table and tidy up etc together.

No 18month needs to be at the table for an hour.

You might find she's a bit more relaxed about eating out of the house too - relaxed Mumma, Relaxed baby!

This was a helpful response, thank you

@Abouttimemum

You LO spends far too long eating, 30 mins max and then it gets take away. Sounds like there’s a lot of pressure on her to eat. I’d just relax about that tbh.

Anyway, 11am lunch, nap after lunch. Snack on waking. I wouldn’t give dinner until about 4.30/5, maybe later. If DD isn’t going to bed till 8 then no need for bath until 7ish and then wind down time after that. That frees up a good 3 hours in the PM when you can go out.

Don’t let your days be dictated by meals.

Nevertheless and regardless of all of the above, you don’t have to see MIL if you don’t want to. I see FIL once a fortnight and that’s enough!

I will start takeing her out earlier and I'll starting doing her dinner at 4, maybe 4.30 but for now I'll up to 4.

Please listen to what everyone is telling you. Your relationship with mealtimes and eating isn't normal and I'm sure you don't want to bring up your child to be as out of touch with the rest of the world as you appear to be

Out of interest which country do you live in, it's unbelievable that anyone in the UK could get to age 22 and not know that having your main evening.meal at 3.30pm is almost unheard of

Up to 4 is still silly. Aim for 5. You're not going to do any harm.

If this helps this is my 20m old routine not saying it’s better if works for us and it’s purely for comparison, everyone is different.

6am wakes
6.30-7am breakfast
10am snack
11.30 lunch
12-3 nap
5pm dinner
6pm bath
6.30-7bed

My babies by 18 months where on just one nap a day, it does free up your day more on one nap but like others have said do what suits you, visit for 30/40mins that’s totally normal.

I can't get my head around the time spent in high chair. Maybe she board sitting up there so just keeps eating
If hungry will eat so if bad eating in other houses could you give her something in hand for pushchair home ?

@Sophie1029734

the easier thing to do would be to swap her evening snack and dinner around :)

So give her snack at 3:30(ish) and dinner at 5(ish)

And don't giver her "substantial" snacks - something like a biscuit/a small banana/a couple of oat cakes is great. Just something to get her through to dinner, but you still want her hungry for her proper meal iyswim?

So, if you gave her (say) toast and peanut butter and an apple as a snack, she won't be properly hungry for dinner, so will take ages/eat less/faff around more.

makes sense?

my DNieces routine at 18m was roughly

7:30 awake, brush teethm nappy change
7:45 -8 breakfast (in her nappy!)
8 - get dressed.
8:15/30-12 - 'free time' - a snack around 10am
12 - lunch
12:30-2 nap
2-5 free time - snack around 3pm
5 - dinner
5:30-6:45 wind down
6:45 milk - whilst reading books with whoever.
7pm - up to bed, teeth, pJs etc
7:30pm lights out/sleep

so generally there was PLENTY of time to go and see people/do things between breakfast and Lunch, and then between nap and dinner.

Once you get mealtimes down and sorted to a sensible length. You can then work on eating out of the house. e/g you both have a snack at the park... But honestly - it will probably all just fall into place. because once she's hungry and it's amore relaxed affair, she'll probably scarf down food anywhere :)

Wow, this is a strange thread.
I am struggling to believe that anyone could get to 22 without being aware that is is not normal to eat your evening meal (whatever you call it) in the middle of the afternoon.

I am a great believer in the principle of 'live and let live' / do whatever suits you if it doesn't affect other people but everybody has to fit in with societal 'norms' to some extent.
You said that when you met your partner he usually ate after 7, and pointed out your eating time was very unusual. What does he do now? When does he eat ?

How have you got to 22 without working at all ?
How have you got to 22 without ever meeting people for meals ?
How have you got to 22 without being aware that everyone else eats after they get in from work ?

I must be one of the few people here who also has had early dinners around 4/4.30 in the past. We used to eat after coming in from school and then it stuck with me a little, even though it changed over time to adapt to normal life! I have an 18 month old and it’s a bit different for them isn’t it because they need food little and often. I’d never personally have a morning snack and an afternoon snack, but now I’m doing this with ds because it enables us to have a more spaced out day.

Similar to the other routines posted, we do:
Approx 7am wake up (varies)
Approx 7.30/8 breakfast
9.30 onwards: Morning chores / walk to shops and park on way home including 10 am snack
11.30ish lunch
12 nap (all this can be earlier depending on ds)
2pm wake up
Afternoon out and about including good sized snack usually on wake up or around 3.
Dinner around 5/6
Bedtime 7.30

So yeah not massive gaps but we can get out and about a bit. I agree with other posters that she’s probably too excited from being out. However a child nutritionist I follow on Instagram suggests not to worry too much if a child doesn’t eat too much one meal. They’ll likely catch it up at another meal.
Btw your meals sound amazing. Lucky girl!
I think a two hour visit is perfectly fine to see mil. I do about the same when I visit my own parents who live nearby. I think it might be your mil’s way of questioning your routine and saying that she wants to be more involved. Stand your ground there I think. It sounds like maybe your LO is shifting to one nap, which can be hard going. Do you find she can be awake for longer stretches, if you’re out and about doing fun stuff? My ds can go twice as long if he’s being spoilt by the gps but will be more likely to be cranky for sleep if it’s just us at home.

Go and let your child have a meltdown, in my experience a few torturous visits and my parents themselves suggested that the timing/length of the visit didn’t work. If your MIL doesn’t then fine, so long as she’s dealing with the upset baby whilst you have a rest. In the long run that may mean your child learns to calm down with someone other than you/her father and isn’t so rigid about things like only eating at home.

I remember 18m and having one nap a day tricky - it’s tough when they sleep over lunchtime and are miserable before they sleep. I was a bit of a slave to the nap. Was the only peace I got though and While I don’t miss it, I would do the same again!

However it sounds like you hve a boundary issue with MIL. My mum lives a 15 min drive away and I see her a couple of times a week. No way of want to see anyone as often as it sounds like you see her.

@Sophie1029734

I dont think its okay she eats little at my grandparents, its bothers us all but what am I supposed to do, not see them? I stay there for 3 days so hopefully over time she will get used to eating out. I dont like doing meal times at mils because they just stand there watching her eat, LO puts on a show by throwing the food everywhere and demanding to get out so I've just stayed away from doing it again.

Personally I dont think the eating routine is odd but I can see how it is restrictive.

why do you have to stay at theirs for 3 days??

Why do you go every day?

Two of my DDs and their children live nearby - I see them when they have time in their busy lives. Why would I want our contact to be a burden to them?

I lost my OH last year and I know that when my mood plummets they are with me like a shot - doesn't happen very often, but I know that I am their priority when it does. Between times I know that I am not, nor do I wish to be, their priority. They have their own lives to lead.

Is there some way that you - or your OH - can convey to her that you need a bit of space?

Why not drop her off at MIL's for a few hours a couple of times a week? Give you a break

Im struggling to find a long enough gap in 18m olds routine to satisfy mil.

In no way should you be trying to satisfy your MIL - that is not your job.

You know what OP, good on you for deciding to make a change to your routine and for not getting super defensive about some if the comments you are getting. I think this makes you a really good mum and I’m sorry people have been so harsh!

I forgot to add on my first long, rambling post, that if you know she’s not going to be ok with the changes required to fit in with your mil then i’d absolutely let her have a bit of a meltdown at their house so they can see why you do things you do, or even leave them to deal with it!! It won’t hurt your daughter long term to have one grumpy day, and if you’re expecting it, then you’ll be more able to deal with it too. I totally sympathise with the awkwardness of her throwing food etc at mil’s. I feel tense when this happens at my own parents even though I know I shouldn’t!

I work round her routine, I dont change it to fit other peoples.

Apart from when you take her to your Nan's for three days every fortnight and she barely eats of course!!

@Sophie1029734

But why isnt it practical for her? She has her breakfast, usually a nap (this time is changing though) her lunch at 11, her main at 3-4. At 5.30 she will have some biscotti biscuits or a pack or kids crisps (depends what's in) and fruit bowl. Later on she will have a peice of toast. How is it a bad routine?

Surely for days you go out you can just swap this around? Toast/snack at 3pm whole out. Dinner at 5pm when you're home.

If you genuinely don't have food issues anymore this should not be hard.

If the idea or your baby going to sleep with a fully tummy alarms you in any way, you should really seek some help for both your sakes

@Sophie1029734

It isnt night time but I guess it feels like that when eating so late. Damn so many people heated about the eating routine, theres no reason it's bad.. it's just different to what you may be used to. She is getting fed well, she is hungry at those times, she is the happiest little soul. Some of you are incinuating that I'm a crap mum or doing things wrong just because it isnt your normal.

She's not the happiest little soul if she's sat in her high chair on her own for several hours per day while you wait on the sofa for her to shout you. And she refuses to eat out of the house..? Or do you just not offer her food in a family meal type setting often enough for her to get used to it?

We used to see my in laws once a week,(now it's every 2-3 weeks) but we'd go in a morning at 9/10ish, let them have lunch there and then leave at nap time (12.30ish) and they'd have a sleep in the car on the way home. If they were hungry waking up because they weren't hungry or didn't eat much at lunch time, they would have a snack and then we do tea at 4. It worked for us, and we still do that now, it means we get the visit out of the way and then we've got the rest of the afternoon or if they were having a long nap we had a bit of time to ourselves. But it's difficult when they're going through a sleep regression but her routine will keep changing so I wouldn't try and make any solid plans cause chances are in a month or 2 things will be different again!

Lunch 12.30-1.30pm
1-2pm comes out of highchair
3.30pm dinner

Can't get past how close these meals are together tbh! Its not unreasonable to set boundaries timewise with how long you spend with MIL, but it sounds exhausting trying to prove its due to a routine like this. Just spend as much time as you feel comfortable with. Sorry if I've missed it, I have read all of your posts, can her son take your child over to his mums?

Obviously without knowing your MiL and her thoughts, it’s hard to know, but given that you’ve told us you visit between lunch and dinner, is she just saying what many posters have, that dinner is just too early? If your DH eats/ate at 7-8 she very likely keeps to more conventional meal times herself and is finding the early dinner cutting your visits short frustrating.

You don’t need to jump to her request if the relationship is difficult but that’s my assumption on what lies behind her comments.

You clearly had some trauma growing up () from some of your comments and I’m sure you want to do your very best for your daughter, and her meals sound delicious, but the routine you set out is so restrictive it must be causing you quite a lot of stress. Some excellent advice on here, good luck.