Mum guilt during the holidays

[Erysimium]

At home with 3yo DS over the summer holidays. I’m CEV and was shielding all last year. We’ve been going out a bit in the past few months but now I’m nervous because of masks and social distancing being removed, so we aren’t really going out any more. DS has no siblings, no cousins, I don’t have any mum friends who could bring kids to play, there are no other kids living in our street. I feel massively guilty because DS isn’t getting out much. I do play with him in the house and in the garden, but with the best will in the world I can’t play with him round the clock; an hour or two at a time is my max. I just feel guilty because he’s alone pretty much all the time apart from the periods where I play or read with him. He goes back to nursery in September for 2 days a week so will at least get out a bit then.

What do you mean, he's "alone" when you're not with him? Why? Who's looking after him?

He’s in the room with me. Pottering around, playing with toys, looking at a book by himself. While I’m on the computer or watching tv. Because I can’t play with him all the time, it’s mind numbing. I just feel so tired all the time, probably because I’m bored sick.

Can you take him to the park? Outside is much less risky!

Try not to feel guilty. And don't put pressure on yourself!

Join local Facebook groups and ask what is on for young kids in your area!

I don't mean to sound harsh but unless you make the effort to make mam friends then you will continue to feel this way.

If you are close to the north east I'd happily arrange a play date! I have a 3 year old too!

1-2 hours playing. You are an awesome mum!!! I can manage 20 mins max. And avoid it at all costs. (I would put more effort in if they didn't have opportunity to play with others though, thankfully not needed).

Your safety and mental health also impact your son. Keeping a low profile until nursery in Sept is not going to make much difference to your child's social life. You're doing all you can, don't feel bad about it. Your child will be fine.

Also he's entitled to at least 15 hours at nursery-could he do 5 mornings for the consistency? If you work he can get 30 hours?

*I mean I would put more effort in than my minimal play if needed. You are doing great!

Can you take him to the park? Outside is much less risky!
I do take him to the park. That fills about an hour. Other days we walk to Grandma’s house and play football on her lawn, that fills about two hours. We have about 10 hours to fill between getting up and cooking dinner.

Join local Facebook groups and ask what is on for young kids in your area!
We used to do activities pre-Covid but it’s not safe now. I won’t be risking my health by going to any indoor activities or groups, especially not now that masks are no longer required.

I don't mean to sound harsh but unless you make the effort to make mam friends then you will continue to feel this way.
Where do you suggest I meet these friends? Lots of activity groups are still “taking a break”. Even if they were open I couldn’t safely attend.

Also he's entitled to at least 15 hours at nursery-could he do 5 mornings for the consistency?
The nursery has offered 2 full days of 7 hours, starting in September. I would prefer every morning or afternoon but they won’t offer half days because it’s inconvenient for them. If I work he can get 30 hours but the issue then is finding somewhere that can take him for the extra days, because his nursery place is currently only 2 days.

You're doing the best you can in the circumstances. when he returns to nursery, your boy will not be the only one who hasn't gone out much or had social inter-action. He'll soon adjust.

We will soon be in August, September is not long away.

I’d be going out and about a lot more! I thought your post was going to be about mum guilt that you were working whilst he was off over the summer, but it’s not-you just seem to not want to do stuff with him!

Park
Beach
Walk
Woods
Cycle/scooter
Picnic

@Erysimium there are plenty of outdoor groups or groups that limit numbers.

I'm only trying to help as you posted saying you don't know anyone with kids.

I met a group of mam friends online when I was pregnant and they have been a godsend.

Your little one will be fine. Do you have a partner? They could take little one out sometimes? So you don't feel it's always on you.

It's a shame nursery only offer 2 days but that's 2 days of play and socialising op-I think we put too much pressure on ourselves these days compared to our parents and grandparents generations.

I'm not telling you to risk your health I'm trying to give helpful suggestions.

maybe you could ask if there are other
Mams local to you in a similar situation to you? Honestly Facebook groups can be great for putting like minded parents together.

Where do you suggest I meet these friends? Lots of activity groups are still “taking a break”. Even if they were open I couldn’t safely attend.

My town has a Facebook page dedicated to mums with children of all ages. It’s a great place to chat and share play/outing ideas.

Also, there is an app called Peanut which I’ve heard is good but I’ve never used.

apps.apple.com/gb/app/peanut-find-friends-support/id1178656034

1-2 hours playing. You are an awesome mum!!! I can manage 20 mins max
He constantly wants my attention and I feel awful because he’s not getting it all the time, and he has nobody else to play with. If I’m not actively engaging with him then he’s effectively on his own. At the end of the day kids need other kids who want to play, not a mum who is more interested in doing her computer studies, and just reluctantly plays for an hour to relieve her guilt.

You need more stuff to fill a routine. How about a film every afternoon and then afterwards he draws you a picture of his favourite character in the film, for example? That's pretty low effort on your part and fills another couple of hours.

It won't be like this forever. You just need a strategy to get through it for now.

I am CEV and was both pregnant and shielding for the majority of last year. I am now double vaccinated and am getting out and about with my 1 and 3 year olds. They need it, as do I! Are you vaccinated, OP? Could you maybe go to an activity with your DS once a week at the very least? It might make you feel better to see him interacting with other kids while you can have a chat to other mums. Even small talk can help. It’s not easy is it - bloody hard some days. We felt like we were living on the moon last year.

Just wanted to add - we went to a gym club today and it was reduced numbers and no entry without masks. At most it was 10 parents, all with masks on, with 1-2 children each, in a large, ventilated space. With it being summer there may be outdoors activities you could look at too.

I’d be going out and about a lot more!
I don’t want to. That’s why I feel guilty. I didn’t go out before I had DS and it was fine because I didn’t have to. Now I’m utterly miserable because I feel this obligation to go out and it’s just so boring.

I think you need to get out more. Do you drive? There are free outdoor activities in my area. Find new parks to visit, take snacks and/or a picnic so you’re out longer. If I’m out all morning then I find my children are happy to potter or I say we’ll bake in a bit so they play until then.

I think 10 hours a day of pottering around a house alone is too much. That’s 70 hours a week.

You need to try and meet others with kids similar age, day trips, picnics, there’s loads to do

@Erysimium

I’d be going out and about a lot more! I don’t want to. That’s why I feel guilty. I didn’t go out before I had DS and it was fine because I didn’t have to. Now I’m utterly miserable because I feel this obligation to go out and it’s just so boring.

Make it fun for you. Try a new walk or buy a hot drink or snack. Go to a sandpit and have a sit down whilst he plays.

Do you have a partner? They could take little one out sometimes?
Yes. He works six days a week until 7pm. We try to go out on Saturday which is his day off. But it’s a family outing and it’s the only day we spend together, so I don’t feel able to stay at home and have a rest.

@Erysimium

I’d be going out and about a lot more! I don’t want to. That’s why I feel guilty. I didn’t go out before I had DS and it was fine because I didn’t have to. Now I’m utterly miserable because I feel this obligation to go out and it’s just so boring.

I can understand this feeling as I often don’t want to go anywhere. You don’t have to only go to places he wants to go to. Children often just enjoy being out and about with you. Taking DD2 to the supermarket is exciting for her and she spends the whole time looking around, waving and smiling at people. She’s 10m though. DD1 likes going to IKEA because she likes looking at their made up rooms. She’s 7.

Sympathies OP - I'm not CEV but pregnant with mobility issues and breathing difficulties, so I often feel terrible that I can't have the summer I'd like with my 3/4 yo.

In my case I have basically tried to think creatively about ways to fill the time, that don't push me too far. So:
Cinema once a week
Swimming course / visits to pool
Outing to a cafe she likes
Metric fuckton of craft stuff from Baker Ross

I think you could adapt this for yourself, for example maybe there are other outdoor playgrounds/play areas that you don't normally visit which you can try out? Any classes anywhere which are outside. If your LO isn't riding a bike or scooter yet could you spend time teaching him? Educational iPad games?

I think you imagine everyone else is doing a lot more than they are.

Today we took our child for a walk to the bookshop, then he is planning to read and watch some Olympics.

I remember many many days in summer playing mostly on my own when I was young. We even went on holiday just me and my mum, I had a whole week in a field doing nothing. It was absolutely brilliant.

What you need to do is focus on what you can do, and do that cheerfully. Do not beat yourself up about it, just work out what you can manage and be as smiley as possible about that.

Part of the issue is that having to make friends so my child can have kids to play with just fills me with horror. I don’t want to make friends. I’ve never had any and I’m not interested. I doubt anyone would want to be friends with me anyway, they all have other options so why would they bother with me?

I think 10 hours a day of pottering around a house alone is too much
Yes. But I don’t know what else to do. We read and play, and we go out for an hour or two. But that only fills 3-4 hours out of 10.

Could you be depressed?

. I doubt anyone would want to be friends with me anyway, they all have other options so why would they bother with me?

This makes me think you might be