Mum guilt during the holidays

[Erysimium]

At home with 3yo DS over the summer holidays. I’m CEV and was shielding all last year. We’ve been going out a bit in the past few months but now I’m nervous because of masks and social distancing being removed, so we aren’t really going out any more. DS has no siblings, no cousins, I don’t have any mum friends who could bring kids to play, there are no other kids living in our street. I feel massively guilty because DS isn’t getting out much. I do play with him in the house and in the garden, but with the best will in the world I can’t play with him round the clock; an hour or two at a time is my max. I just feel guilty because he’s alone pretty much all the time apart from the periods where I play or read with him. He goes back to nursery in September for 2 days a week so will at least get out a bit then.

Sorry to sound harsh OP, but you've got to help yourself here. No-one else can solve this for you. You've had plenty suggestions here for spending more time outdoors, maybe taking part in toddler activities etc.

for saying you 'don't want to make friends' - you might surprise yourself. Chatting to other mums even just casually will certainly relieve the intractable sense of boredom you seem to have. Challenge yourself. For your own sake and that of your child.

@Erysimium

Cinema once a week Swimming course / visits to pool Outing to a cafe she likes We used to go swimming before the pandemic. I’d love to go again but I don’t feel it’s safe; people definitely won’t be wearing masks in the pool. I definitely wouldn’t go to an indoor place like a cinema or cafe where there might be unmasked people.

The chlorine in the pool kills most germs. It’s actually quite a safe place to go at the moment.

We used to go swimming before the pandemic. I’d love to go again but I don’t feel it’s safe; people definitely won’t be wearing masks in the pool. I definitely wouldn’t go to an indoor place like a cinema or cafe where there might be unmasked people.

OP, gently, the above was to explain what I am planning in my circs (not CEV but limited mobility). I then offered a few examples of what might work for you which is outdoors (new parks, a bike etc). Fine if they don't, but I am starting to concur with other posters about perhaps needing to re-think some of what you're doing.

Let him go to nursery for the two full days that have been offered. He'll love playing without their kids all day.

*with other kid

In a year OP, when your DS is in reception and his friends are having birthday parties, tbf when he starts nursery the invites will begin - are you going to refuse them all because you don't want to go? Sports clubs he wants to attend where parents have to be there, swimming lessons?
I haven’t thought that far ahead. That sort of thing requires my presence but not my involvement. I presume I’d be able to sit at the back with a laptop while he plays with the other kids.

There’s lots of advice and support for you on this thread, OP. What were you looking for when posting?

Yes I’m vaccinated. No I won’t be taking the risk of going to activities. I know this is selfish but the idea fills me with dread. I don’t want to chat to other mums and they certainly don’t want to chat to me. Basically my own lack of sociability means my DS has nobody to play with, and I feel so guilty

Rather than feeling guilty about it, you need to bite the bullet and take him out. He will suffer socially if you don’t mix with anyone, don’t go out because you don’t want to and don’t do any activities! Your health anxiety and thoughts that people aren’t actually worth talking to will mean he ends up massively isolated.

Once he’s at nursery/preschool, he’ll be exposed to every single bug, lurgy and disease going round anyway!

The chlorine in the pool kills most germs. It’s actually quite a safe place to go at the moment.
I’m not worried about the water. Covid is in the air. Moist air will be incredibly dangerous.

OP you sound like my cousin who hates people. She had a hard time growing up.

She actively went out out of her way to avoid people and it did have a negative effect on her sons ability to make social interactions as he too is now a very unsociable 14 year old. Who sits in his robe all day with his mum drinking 'brews' and waiting for his online friends to come on line whilst there are actual kids outside his house playing footie on the green.

You have a responsibility to your son to give him the best chance of fitting in to society when he is an adult, don't turn him in to a mini you.
You can take him play groups, you just don't want to which is unfair on him. You don't have to chatty you can watch and just let him play with others.

You can do loads out side.

Take games, kite, balls, bubbles a picnic to a park

Buy chalk and draw pictures or hopscotch in the garden

Find a lake or stream and take nets to catch insects and creepy crawlies or even just wellies for a splash;

Get him a little trike or scooter and sit and watch him

Make a treasure hunt of wildlife things to find outside

Have a look at Pinterest.

Bake cookies

Paint eggs/pebbles

Write in rice with fingers

Make a daily planner and find some structure. You don't have to have a full ten hours of solid play but you absolutely can do shit - if you can be arsed. If your sitting scrolling on your phone all day then yeah you should guilty

I’m not really sure what you want from this thread. People are suggesting things but you’re shooting them all down. You want your DS to have friends but won’t put in the effort to start a friendship. You can’t spend more than a couple of hours with him playing because you find it boring (I get that but sometimes we have to suck it up). You won’t go out anywhere because you’re CEV but also because you don’t want to and I think the latter is the more dominant reason for you if I’m honest.

Your health anxiety and thoughts that people aren’t actually worth talking to will mean he ends up massively isolated.
This is my concern. Btw it’s not that I think people aren’t worth talking to. I just know from experience that they don’t like me and I don’t know what to say so I feel uncomfortable and stressed.

This is going to sound harsh but... you are using COVID as an excuse. You clearly do not like going out and have zero interest in meeting other parents while out and about with your DS. So really, what you're asking for is validation that staying at home all day (except for 1-2 hours for the odd trip to the park), with your DS, is okay.

And the answer is no, it's not. it's not fair on DS who not only could use additional socialisation but also a wider variety of activities and things to do. You don't have to become the life and soul of the party but loads of posters have made good suggestions about things you could do safely outside with your DS, even without other people, and you're not interested.

I will say that if you're a true introvert, then you do need to ditch the occasional family day so that you get genuine time alone.

Op you've literally snubbed every suggestion. I'm trying to be kind but really - you said you feel guilty but won't engage in anything that will help you or your ds.

The world really isn't that scary, lots of CEV people are back at work and getting on with life. You can't keep your ds away from people forever and you can't blame Covid for everything when it's clear that actually you don't want to do anything at all.

You want your DS to have friends but won’t put in the effort to start a friendship
I want him to have friends. I don’t want “me” to have friends. It worries me that apparently I need to make friends in order for him to have friends. I don’t know how to make friends.

So covid is a bit of a red herring because you didn’t go out before anyway, what do you enjoy doing?

It’s surprising what a toddler will find fun, I drag mine about in the washing basket as I’m doing the washing and he’s loving life. I also like walking the dog so he comes there rain or shine.

I suppose they’re just meant to fit into your life mostly.

You've posted saying you feel guilty about doing nothing with your child but yet when people give you really good suggestions you're not interested, always an excuse. What did you want from this post? People to tell you it's fine not to do anything with your child? A "poor you" response because you're clinically vulnerable? Loads of people are clinically vulnerable but you're vaccinated and Covid is here to stay, you need to think of your child and start planning safe outdoor activities and get him out of the house. As long as you're socially distanced and in the fresh air, the risk is very low. You sound depressed, this is not normal behavior, you need to go to your GP and tell her how you feel a.s.a.p and get some help.
I'm clinically vulnerable too. My 3 year old is out of the house every day, we vary the parks we go to, we go to a river and throw stones in, we take a picnic to the beach, we hunt bumblebees in the yard. They don't need inside activities, you can do loads outdoors.

How vulnerable are you OP? I'm obese, asthmatic and have lupus. I'm double vaccinated.

I am careful about indoor mixing, I don't mind big open stores where I can social distance, but I wouldn't be squeezing myself into boutiques, but I am happy to have my kids running around mixing outdoors. Parks, beaches, garden centres, table service cafes with outdoor steaming areas, these are our mainstays.

In the autumn I'll start thinking more and more about indoor things again. I can't hide forever.

@Erysimium

You want your DS to have friends but won’t put in the effort to start a friendship I want him to have friends. I don’t want “me” to have friends. It worries me that apparently I need to make friends in order for him to have friends. I don’t know how to make friends.

If he’s not going anywhere, he won’t make friends. I’m not particularly friends with DD1’s friends’ parents but I can be friendly enough for parties and outings.

@Erysimium

You want your DS to have friends but won’t put in the effort to start a friendship I want him to have friends. I don’t want “me” to have friends. It worries me that apparently I need to make friends in order for him to have friends. I don’t know how to make friends.

Are you autistic OP?

There is definetly more to unpick here than a 'simple' CEV = stay in to be careful.

It doesnt sound like you particularly want to do anything apart from sit at your laptop. Have you thought about why that is? Could be drepression, anxiety, aspergers, shyness, whatever.

The fact remains, though, that you have a 3yo who requires some level of interaction and enrichment.

If you arent the best person to provide that for the main chunk of every day (and believe me, there are lots of parents who are this way, we are not all cut out for being the SAHP), then something needs to change.

Can you work and send ds to childcare every day? Can you look more at whether there are reasons behind why you dont want to go outside (and it isnt just because covid as you've said you didnt like that before ds)?

This parenting train is pretty long and you are only really at the start of it. Better to try and work out why you feel this way / long term changes you can make to improve your overall happiness.

@Erysimium

You want your DS to have friends but won’t put in the effort to start a friendship I want him to have friends. I don’t want “me” to have friends. It worries me that apparently I need to make friends in order for him to have friends. I don’t know how to make friends.

You don't have to have friends for him to have friends. You need him to go to nursery and if he meets other friends there, you might have to be polite to another mum for a while on play dates. You can take him places where there are other children and encourage him to play with them. You can wear a mask and take him into a playgroup or similar with organised activities so that he can engage with other children, or look for an outdoor group (football? Rugby? outdoor swimming?) that you can sign him up for and stand around outside while he does it and interacts with people

But you don't want to do those things. So you're using Covid and the fact that apparently people don't like you as an excuse (I assume your DP likes you as he is with you and you've got baby so it's not like everyone dislike you - you could make some effort).

Or ask your mum to take him to groups if she's less scared of being out and about in public.

I'm sorry, I'm not that sympathetic because you're making zero effort to find solutions. And perhaps you ARE depressed and need some further help, but you have to get out there and find it.

@Erysimium

You want your DS to have friends but won’t put in the effort to start a friendship I want him to have friends. I don’t want “me” to have friends. It worries me that apparently I need to make friends in order for him to have friends. I don’t know how to make friends.

You don't need to make friends for him to have friends, but you do need to be willing to speak to another adult to arrange play dates.

I mean this kindly, but the big issue here isn't covid, or you being CEV it's your mental block around actually doing anything.

There's lots you can do with your son that will keep you out all morning, but you seem unwilling to address the big issue here.

You NEED to see you GP. Do you have regular reviews for whatever makes you CEV? Your doctor for that should be able to help you. You can self refer for talking therapies on the NHS as well.

You really need to change your mindset

@Erysimium

You want your DS to have friends but won’t put in the effort to start a friendship I want him to have friends. I don’t want “me” to have friends. It worries me that apparently I need to make friends in order for him to have friends. I don’t know how to make friends.

You don't need to make friends. I don't have any 'mum' friends particularly but I'm polite and friendly and make small talk with other parents. It's boring and I'd much rather not but I do it because it's the right thing to do.

If you're worried about people not liking you then just make it all about them. Ask all the questions. People love talking about themselves and people listening!

But ultimately it you don't want to go out and don't want to do anything then send him to nursery now and let him be free for a bit.