Mum guilt during the holidays

[Erysimium]

At home with 3yo DS over the summer holidays. I’m CEV and was shielding all last year. We’ve been going out a bit in the past few months but now I’m nervous because of masks and social distancing being removed, so we aren’t really going out any more. DS has no siblings, no cousins, I don’t have any mum friends who could bring kids to play, there are no other kids living in our street. I feel massively guilty because DS isn’t getting out much. I do play with him in the house and in the garden, but with the best will in the world I can’t play with him round the clock; an hour or two at a time is my max. I just feel guilty because he’s alone pretty much all the time apart from the periods where I play or read with him. He goes back to nursery in September for 2 days a week so will at least get out a bit then.

So really, what you're asking for is validation that staying at home all day (except for 1-2 hours for the odd trip to the park), with your DS, is okay. And the answer is no, it's not.
I don’t know what else to do. I’m not capable of making friends. It’s hard to even chat because I don’t know what to say and I feel uncomfortable. I see people mostly as a threat to my safety and I avoid them as much as possible. I mostly prefer to stay indoors on my own but that’s not good for DS.

Do you work, OP?

So you think a simple one day routine that you repeat every day over the summer would help? Sort of a "fake it til you make it" thing?

Being parents sometimes means that we have to do stuff we might not enjoy because it's good for our kids.

This. You might not like it but I'm afraid you're going to have to suck it up if you want to do the best for your son.

This morning, I've done painting and played dinosaurs with my DC. Did I want to? No. Did I enjoy it? Not particularly. But they did and since they're off nursery atm, I'm the only one around for them to interact with. This afternoon, we're going to the playground. I can imagine better ways to spend my afternoon. I'll probably grab a coffee and look at my phone to take the edge off. But my DC will enjoy it and will hopefully make a little friend so I won't have to play with them.

A tip for helping him interact with other children - when you take him to the playground, take some toy cars or a ball. Those are like magnets for other kids so he can practice sharing or have a kick-around with them. We always take something like that and it helps my DC make new friends if they don't know the children there.

He's too young to experience things on his own so I'm afraid you need to provide experiences for him. They don't need to be fancy...shops, playgrounds, splash parks, walks in the woods etc. It's fine to stay at home sometimes but if you're doing that all day everyday, he is missing out.

@Erysimium

So really, what you're asking for is validation that staying at home all day (except for 1-2 hours for the odd trip to the park), with your DS, is okay. And the answer is no, it's not. I don’t know what else to do. I’m not capable of making friends. It’s hard to even chat because I don’t know what to say and I feel uncomfortable. I see people mostly as a threat to my safety and I avoid them as much as possible. I mostly prefer to stay indoors on my own but that’s not good for DS.

You barely have to chat at most of the things people have suggested - going to different parks, the beach, a picnic etc. As a PP has said, take a ball and he'll probably attract other little friends. Join a rugby club and stand around on the sidelines or sidle off for coffee.

You seem to have this idea that if you're not all loved up with the other parents it's a crisis. It's not.

If you felt guilty you would want to do something about it.

I understand the worry about covid but at this point it's not going to go away. The vaccine stops you from getting really ill. All the suggestions that some amazing people have made, you've knocked them down and are turning people away.

Start off small, a trip to the library, outdoor activity play areas that aren't your local park. A bit of variety for your son will work wonders.

You’ve asked for help, received tons of helpful advice but yes you find an excuse to not do any of it. Unfortunately being a mum means occasionally (all day everyday) having to do things we don’t want to for the good of the children.

I’d suggest you draw up a schedule you can stick to, divide the day into one hour blocks;

7am breakfast and get dressed
8am tv time
9am walk to park or grandmas
10am snack and read a book
11am craft or messy play together
Noon lunch
12:30 lunchtime nap
2pm film
3pm snack and draw a picture
4pm play time together
5pm cook and eat dinner
6pm bath
7pm bed

Write a list of activities you already do and swap in and out of the schedule as needed.

I’d look into toddler groups that are still distancing; lots are and you can keep your mask on so you feel safe

I don’t know what else to do. I’m not capable of making friends. It’s hard to even chat because I don’t know what to say and I feel uncomfortable. I see people mostly as a threat to my safety and I avoid them as much as possible. I mostly prefer to stay indoors on my own but that’s not good for DS.

Everyone here is trying to tell you that you need to change your entire mindset, for the sake of your child. You clearly have his best interests at heart as you seem to understand the problem, but you're completely paralysed by your own fear of social interaction. This is not normal and not good for your child.

YOU NEED HELP. Speak to your GP asap frankly about how you feel, and get referrred for therapy. At the same time they might be able to refer you to a parent support group (usually some kind of parent and toddler activitiy).

If your DH works 6 days a week and then on the 7th, you feel obliged to do family things, this means you don't get any time to yourself ever. Does DH help in the evenings? Can he do the social things you find hard? It shouldn't all be on you.

I'm a single parent with an only and don't like mixing much or playing so my resolution was to go to places like the woods, graveyards, long walks to new areas, open commons etc and bring a picnic.

When at home my son would also have kids YouTube on in the background when he was playing. He has a wonderful imagination and can play by himself.

@Erysimium you don't sound happy for yourself or your child as you are so you need to make a change:

1. would your Mum look after your DC for a couple of hrs while you go for a walk / enjoy some peace at home once or twice a week (you say you go already go round there for a couple of hours to play football)
2. Look for outside experiences like forest school or treasure trails / maize maze you could go and do where you are involved with your DC but it's a bit more interesting for you too
3. Was there anyone he liked playing with at nursery when he went before? Could you arrange to meet the friend / parent in the park for an hour - the other parent is there for the same reason, to let their child play & most people can pass the time of day for an hour.
4. Variety with forest walks / seaside trip

Don't write off all human interactions. You have a family and a partner so obviously you are able to maintain relationships.

@SafferUpNorth

I don’t know what else to do. I’m not capable of making friends. It’s hard to even chat because I don’t know what to say and I feel uncomfortable. I see people mostly as a threat to my safety and I avoid them as much as possible. I mostly prefer to stay indoors on my own but that’s not good for DS.

Everyone here is trying to tell you that you need to change your entire mindset, for the sake of your child. You clearly have his best interests at heart as you seem to understand the problem, but you're completely paralysed by your own fear of social interaction. This is not normal and not good for your child.

YOU NEED HELP. Speak to your GP asap frankly about how you feel, and get referrred for therapy. At the same time they might be able to refer you to a parent support group (usually some kind of parent and toddler activitiy).

Yes but you are talking to someone who is also terrified, so shouting at them in caps isn't particularly helpful either is it?

So covid is a bit of a red herring because you didn’t go out before anyway, what do you enjoy doing?
I used to like reading and computer games. I worked a lot (in software, very little human interaction required). I was lucky to get a job where I showed my face for a couple of hours in the morning then took piles of work to do at home. I’m hoping to get a similar job when DS goes to nursery.

Do you have regular reviews for whatever makes you CEV?
No. I have a dysfunctional spleen which means my immune system doesn’t work very well. I was diagnosed then told to go and get on with it because there’s no treatment. I take a low dose antibiotic every day and have to avoid infection as much as possible.

Op. I read as much of the thread as I could manage, but for the love of God it has been hard work.
Did you ever really want children ? If so, did you think it would be ok to just stick them in a plastic box and let them survive ?
Children are believe it or not, little human being s. They do not need constant stimulation for 10 hours houŕs a day. They do need a bit of real life liveing support.

When the nursery playdate and party invites start arriving and you get asked please don't force your child to be the one not going because you won't make any effoŕt .
Your poor child

@Erysimium

So covid is a bit of a red herring because you didn’t go out before anyway, what do you enjoy doing? I used to like reading and computer games. I worked a lot (in software, very little human interaction required). I was lucky to get a job where I showed my face for a couple of hours in the morning then took piles of work to do at home. I’m hoping to get a similar job when DS goes to nursery.

Do you have regular reviews for whatever makes you CEV?
No. I have a dysfunctional spleen which means my immune system doesn’t work very well. I was diagnosed then told to go and get on with it because there’s no treatment. I take a low dose antibiotic every day and have to avoid infection as much as possible.

Software? OP, sweetie, I have my hand on your shoulder at this point, you're autistic aren't you? It's ok. I am too!

My DC is also 3. They're getting better at sitting for longer periods so now we do some things I want to do...we go to free museums and have a quick look around then have lunch or a snack in the cafe.

This has a double benefit. I find it slightly less boring than some of the other stuff we do and my DC's atrocious table manners are slowly improving and I'm no longer ashamed to be seen with them in public.

Have a look around your local area. We live in London so spoiled for choice, but everywhere usually has at least a few things to do if you look.

Do you work, OP?
Not at present. I was signed off sick during pregnancy because I was high risk due to my spleen problem. They were annoyed and managed to get rid of me so I didn’t have a job to go back to. I was at home with DS for 18 months and was just ready to go back to work when Covid happened.

@Erysimium

So really, what you're asking for is validation that staying at home all day (except for 1-2 hours for the odd trip to the park), with your DS, is okay. And the answer is no, it's not. I don’t know what else to do. I’m not capable of making friends. It’s hard to even chat because I don’t know what to say and I feel uncomfortable. I see people mostly as a threat to my safety and I avoid them as much as possible. I mostly prefer to stay indoors on my own but that’s not good for DS.

OP you've been given lists of stuff you could do with him by yourself and out side.

Stop framing this around you making friends. There is so much you could for him to have fun. But you don't want to leave the house and when your in the house you don't want to do much.

You've got to take a bit of responsibility

OP, sweetie, I have my hand on your shoulder at this point, you're autistic aren't you?
I’ve never been diagnosed with autism. It was suggested when I was 12 and my mum said “what a load of bollocks, there’s naught the matter with her except she’s not nice to people”. Then she told me to “act proper or they’ll take you away and lock you up”.

@Erysimium

OP, sweetie, I have my hand on your shoulder at this point, you're autistic aren't you? I’ve never been diagnosed with autism. It was suggested when I was 12 and my mum said “what a load of bollocks, there’s naught the matter with her except she’s not nice to people”. Then she told me to “act proper or they’ll take you away and lock you up”.

Maybe just explore that possibility again in your mind... from one late-diagnosed autistic to possibly another

If you ever get out of this mindset, you put on your local fb group something saying

“I’m a CEV mum with a three year old who is due to start nursery at x in September. Just wondered if anyone similar would like to meet for outside play so my little one can get some friends”.

But you have to put the effort in to making it happen. And your child will learn socialising from you…

Get him a tablet
Your doing all you can
Games console play together even get an old wii or something
Dont be guilty needing time for yourself you need to re charge
You sound bored bless you, thats ok too!

Presumably you do have some people skills as you were able to find and maintain a relationship with your husband.

Don't write off all human interactions. You have a family and a partner so obviously you are able to maintain relationships.
I do have a partner. Not sure how that happened. He’s out a lot. I have parents but no other family. My Mum is ok and I see her regularly. My Dad often locks the door because he can’t handle people today. He’s hardly been out of the house since 1983.

My Dad often locks the door because he can’t handle people today. He’s hardly been out of the house since 1983

Ah.