Mum guilt during the holidays

[Erysimium]

At home with 3yo DS over the summer holidays. I’m CEV and was shielding all last year. We’ve been going out a bit in the past few months but now I’m nervous because of masks and social distancing being removed, so we aren’t really going out any more. DS has no siblings, no cousins, I don’t have any mum friends who could bring kids to play, there are no other kids living in our street. I feel massively guilty because DS isn’t getting out much. I do play with him in the house and in the garden, but with the best will in the world I can’t play with him round the clock; an hour or two at a time is my max. I just feel guilty because he’s alone pretty much all the time apart from the periods where I play or read with him. He goes back to nursery in September for 2 days a week so will at least get out a bit then.

Ffs OP I'm sorry but you need to get some therapy and get over yourself for your child.

I find it hard to believe that your DH who had never had a girlfriend and doesn't talk to ppl told you he would just go and have a baby with someone else.

You all sound quite unhinged. Therapy is what you all need!!

Are there any forest clubs near you? They are all outside activities and you can drop off at many.

@TeachesOfPeaches I can't speak for anyone else who was late diagnosed here, but for me, it was that I finally had answers to everything that was part of my internal world and internal personality that I didn't feel able to share with the world. For example, other people seemed able to just make conversation about things, to make eye contact with people they only just met, to keep on top of housework and parenting and a full time job and take kids out to activities and have a busy social life themselves, but when I did all that, everything fell apart behind the scenes. A diagnosis has allowed me to be kinder to myself, to understand myself, its enabled my family to understand me better, its enabled health care professionals to know that, for example, if I say I am in pain but don't look it, the reason I don't look it is because what is visible to the outside is not always whats going on inside, not because there is no pain.

[quote DinosaurOfFire]@TeachesOfPeaches I can't speak for anyone else who was late diagnosed here, but for me, it was that I finally had answers to everything that was part of my internal world and internal personality that I didn't feel able to share with the world. For example, other people seemed able to just make conversation about things, to make eye contact with people they only just met, to keep on top of housework and parenting and a full time job and take kids out to activities and have a busy social life themselves, but when I did all that, everything fell apart behind the scenes. A diagnosis has allowed me to be kinder to myself, to understand myself, its enabled my family to understand me better, its enabled health care professionals to know that, for example, if I say I am in pain but don't look it, the reason I don't look it is because what is visible to the outside is not always whats going on inside, not because there is no pain.[/quote]
They said it better than me

OP, your husband and mother sound awful and, if you'd posted on here pre-DC, you'd have been given some helpful advice about not having a child to please other people because children really do take over your life.

However, your son is here and you sound like a good parent to be thinking about what is best for him. Not all of us are great at the 'stay at home' day-to-day aspects of parenting so maybe getting back to work full-time might be a good solution for you?

@intothewoodss I read your post and thought "wow they explained it in a way that is much more to the point than me!"

@Erysimium It sounds to me like you are struggling with a lot of things, not least that maybe you didn't really want a child in the first place but your husband did. And I am so sorry to hear your mothers words to you as a 12 year old. That's just cruel. I hope she doesn't still speak to you like this.

Is there a way your mother could take your son out for a bit? So that you can have a break to play on the laptop and your son can be out and about, it may give you a good recharge if you can do this once or twice a week before your son starts nursery.

@Erysimium Good luck , hope you manage to speak to your GP soon. It might be a long road getting the help you need, but talking frankly with your virtual support network here has hopefully been a hugely significant first step.

@TeachesOfPeaches

What is the benefit of a late stage autism diagnosis?

I can give you another example. I took autistic DS to Home Bargains today (they sell really nice bath salts!). I have always hated Home Bargains and felt very anxious in there but never really knew why. DS within seconds said 'It's too noisy' and out his hands over his ears, and then I realised that it actually WAS really noisy in there. It's echoey and they have really loud music on. Then he said 'Lights. No.' And the lights ARE so bright. So we grabbed the salts and got the hell out of there, for both our sakes.

Knowing now that I am autistic I definitely had that same sensory overload that my son did, I just wasn't paying particular attention to it before.

It sounds a great idea to get an appointment with your GP, they will listen, and you are not wasting anyone's time.

Putting your issues to one side, you could use a lot of the suggestions above to enrich your Ds's life. Do you have a outdoor pool anywhere nearby, or a stream /beach / river? Just where he could have a paddle.

Can you google any outside groups or meets for him, you could then perhaps just take your laptop and sit there? Could you take him to a cafe and sit outside, go to a pub with a garden and a play area in the early evening, take him to a maize labyrinth, to a petting zoo, go shopping at an outside market..? Anything that is outside, and is a bit of a change.

There are some great suggestions for other indoors activities. Baking for example (I couldn't bake when I had kids, turns out you only really need one or two recipes). If that really is not an option, perhaps order a baking box? Or subscription for a crafting box for children.

HorriderHenry's idea with the Facebook message is great, definitely do that....

I'm coming late to this. I hope you are ok OP.

When I was a SAHP I used to follow The Imagination Tree on Facebook. Loads of ideas for things to fill the days when you can't get out and about. E.g. get a balloon. Put some little toys/gems/coins inside. Fill with water and tie up. Put in freezer. When frozen, take the balloon off the ice and let your DS excavate the treasure inside using tools/salt/warm water. Keeps them entertained for ages and makes the day feel a bit different.

I'm not sure where you are, but our local libraries are doing the Summer Reading Challenge. As part of this they are giving away weekly craft bags for kids. Libraries themselves are quiet, staff wear masks and cleaning is still very strict. No real social interaction needed but would give your day an aim and a focus. Check your local council FB page for details?

Does your DS have a bike/scooter/roller boots? Can make walks more interesting. If he can't ride a bike yet, make that an aim for the summer.

Water toys in the garden are fun. Sprinkler, paddling pool, water pistols and a target...

Yes you definitely need to do more with your child. You can't have them pottering about alone with no stimulation. You need to put your needs second and theirs first. You might not like doing some activities but you have a duty. Don't you enjoy seeing your little one excited at seeing ducks in a pond or going to a new place (can't you go to different parks etc).? It seems very unfair on your child that you live such an empty existence and have said you basically don't want to do anything else. Your child only gets one childhood. Wake up.

Your DH doesn't sound nice . Sometimes being single is a far better option than being with someone who doesn't treat you with the kindness you deserve. Full time work and full time childcare maybe an option?

Library is a great idea although unfortunately not quite as interactive as normal.

Why not get in touch with your local childrens centre and explain your circumstances @Erysimium - they are there to help parents with pre-school children and they may either run sessions or offer other practical help.

You chose to have a child. Don't restrict his life because it's all 'too difficult' and 'I don't want to'. You are not setting him up well at all for his life.

You keep repeating 'it's not safe' re Covid in relation to activities that are suggested. I think this is your problem and you need to be proactive and try to get help as you are projecting the danger into something it's not.

I don't mean to be harsh, it sounds like you are really struggling but we all have to suck it up and do things we don't want to do.

Forest play sessions are great. I'm taking my DC to one later this week. They will love it and I will sit shivering in the wet.

Also, beach if you're near one. No need to interact with anyone. Take buckets and spades and your DS might find other little ones to play with.

Once he's older, you will be able to drop him at lots of activities and won't need to stay, which will make a difference.

Best wishes for your GP appointment Op. COVID or no COVID your health and mental health matters, and you are on the right track to discuss with GP. I hope you can feel more at peace with your parenting role and look into ways to cope with any limitations to ensure DS is supported to have a happy childhood. None of us are perfect at parenting, we are all human, important thing is you are doing something about this.
I hope you can get out to places wearing your mask, together with your beautiful boy and put less pressure on yourself to make friends and just talk politely about whatever is happening in the moment.

As others say, it doesn’t matter if you don’t make friends. If you are at a picnic at a park watching him play with children or at a children’s activity group, just being polite and occasionally smiling is fine
If you feel social anxiety, it’s ok as you see on this thread many others do too. Sometimes chat about anything at all in the moment if you want but dont feel you have to start a conversation. I hope you feel less uncomfortable if you can focus on enjoying seeing your DS socialising and cutting loose with some children.

Is your DH able to consider working 5 days per week instead of 6 ? Does DH read to your son at bedtime and do they talk about each other’s day and what they are looking forward to the next day? Can your son stay up a little later to have a little more Dad time?  Does Your husband spend one on one time with DS on Saturday doing an activity inside or going for a walk or playing an outdoor game  ?

Kidzplay craft boxes are amazing and come with everything you need to do the stuff inside. We get one every month along with a Little Baker's box. Really good for rainy days as they need no prep, just whip one out.

@Erysimium

Could you maybe make an appointment to speak to your GP about how you feel? Covid has done such a number on people. I presumed they wouldn’t give a shit. There are people dying because the NHS can’t offer appointments at present, it seems ridiculous and unlikely for me to expect to be seen for mental health issues.

I think you need some serious mental health support. For the sake of your son, your outlook on life and his life is not healthy for either of you

It’s hard. This might help: fantasticforfamilies.com/home-activities

Cbeebies magazines good too.

OP, the best part of having a 3 year old is literally that they are easily pleased.

I've filled a bathtub with WAY too much bubble bath and just let them loose before, even a sink with fairy liquid was a riot when mine were little

I have raised 3 kids happy to hang at home, but also sociable little bundles so it is possible to have the best of both worlds.

But for your child sake you need to put them first and take them out places. Doesnt have to be flash or fancy just out!

I find it hard to believe that your DH who had never had a girlfriend and doesn't talk to ppl told you he would just go and have a baby with someone else
Do you think just because someone is shy and introverted they aren’t capable of bullying and manipulative behaviour? He knew I couldn’t afford to support myself if he left me, and he knew I’d do anything to keep a roof over my head. I didn’t realise how nasty he could be until after we’d had a baby and it was too late.

@summerisler

I am CEV and was both pregnant and shielding for the majority of last year. I am now double vaccinated and am getting out and about with my 1 and 3 year olds. They need it, as do I! Are you vaccinated, OP? Could you maybe go to an activity with your DS once a week at the very least? It might make you feel better to see him interacting with other kids while you can have a chat to other mums. Even small talk can help. It’s not easy is it - bloody hard some days. We felt like we were living on the moon last year.

DS 30 is vaccinated but could die if he caught a mild form of Covid. Being double vaccinated isn't the gateway to total freedom for everyone.

He knew I couldn’t afford to support myself if he left me,

Why?

How did you support yourself before you met him?

Maybe just explore that possibility again in your mind... from one late-diagnosed autistic to possibly another wink

And another.