Mum guilt during the holidays

[Erysimium]

At home with 3yo DS over the summer holidays. I’m CEV and was shielding all last year. We’ve been going out a bit in the past few months but now I’m nervous because of masks and social distancing being removed, so we aren’t really going out any more. DS has no siblings, no cousins, I don’t have any mum friends who could bring kids to play, there are no other kids living in our street. I feel massively guilty because DS isn’t getting out much. I do play with him in the house and in the garden, but with the best will in the world I can’t play with him round the clock; an hour or two at a time is my max. I just feel guilty because he’s alone pretty much all the time apart from the periods where I play or read with him. He goes back to nursery in September for 2 days a week so will at least get out a bit then.

Where are you based, OP? Maybe we can suggest some days out locally you could do with your son? For example, we're doing a boat trip along the Thames next week (just the normal commuting boat). By the time we've stopped, got some sandwiches and had a picnic and tried out a new playground, it will be time to go home for dinner.

Where my parents live (rural), there are loads of disused railway tracks. I love taking my DC for a walk along those when we're staying with them. Other grandparents have a farm park and a castle nearby that we go to when we're visiting them.

@Erysimium

Don't write off all human interactions. You have a family and a partner so obviously you are able to maintain relationships. I do have a partner. Not sure how that happened. He’s out a lot. I have parents but no other family. My Mum is ok and I see her regularly. My Dad often locks the door because he can’t handle people today. He’s hardly been out of the house since 1983.

Your dad sounds... autistic...

You met your DH and had a child with him, so have made one friend! What happens when your DS wants to have friends round? Does your DH have a social circle?

What did you do pre covid? As if cev before covid other bugs put you at as much risk health wise?

@intothewoodss
Yes, agreed that exploring the possibility of autism is a good call - and esp as you have first-hand experience. I have a couple of female family members who were diagnosed in their early 30s and come to think of it, finally getting the diagnosis liberated them from decades of masking, deflecting and hiding.

@Erysimium Please please see your GP.

PS my caps in previous post were intended not as shouting, but for emphasis. Apologies if it came across as shouty.

[quote SafferUpNorth]@intothewoodss
Yes, agreed that exploring the possibility of autism is a good call - and esp as you have first-hand experience. I have a couple of female family members who were diagnosed in their early 30s and come to think of it, finally getting the diagnosis liberated them from decades of masking, deflecting and hiding.

@Erysimium Please please see your GP.

PS my caps in previous post were intended not as shouting, but for emphasis. Apologies if it came across as shouty.[/quote]
I hate to armchair diagnose but my autism detector is buzzing like crazy reading this thread!

OP you don't need to make friends with the other parents, you just need to be friendly. That's two different things.

You don't need to emotionally invest in these people. You do need to smile, say hello, make some small talk about the weather etc. You going to have to suck it up and make the effort for your DS's sake.

Does your DH have a social circle?
No. That’s probably why he dated me. He was 28 and never had a girlfriend before, and I was accepting and non-judgemental, and not demanding. He works six days a week and we mostly keep to ourselves.

Farm park either first thing or last hr before closing will be virtually empty and outside.

Is your Dad happy OP? Are you happy as you are? Nothing wrong with enjoying solitude but that doesn't have to mean staying within the same 4 walls.

Could your Mum look after DC for a few hours?

@NuffSaidSam

OP you don't need to make friends with the other parents, you just need to be friendly. That's two different things.

You don't need to emotionally invest in these people. You do need to smile, say hello, make some small talk about the weather etc. You going to have to suck it up and make the effort for your DS's sake.

Autistic women tend to overthink tiny little social interactions that neurotypical people wouldn't think twice about. So I understand exactly where OP is coming from. I literally hear alarms going off in my brain when people make small talk with me. I try though!

I won't comment you're preference to stay in but you're son needs to see outside your four walls
.
I'm sure you can take him for a walk. Before you go write a checklist of what you could see and he ticks it off. Plan different routes round the area take a picnic. You can't get covid while out for a walk. Wear a mask even.

Erysimium Please please see your GP
I think I will. Thank you. It is about more than Covid - I just don’t want to go out, I’ve never gone out.

@Erysimium

Erysimium Please please see your GP I think I will. Thank you. It is about more than Covid - I just don’t want to go out, I’ve never gone out.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. You can find ways and means of getting your kids what they need and managing your own anxiety. I am autistic, chronically ill and an absolutely kickass mum. I'll bet you are too.

I presumed they wouldn’t give a shit. There are people dying because the NHS can’t offer appointments at present, it seems ridiculous and unlikely for me to expect to be seen for mental health issues.

I spoke to my GP over the phone last Thursday and was prescribed Sertraline for anxiety straight away. Just letting you know that there absolutely is help for mental health at the minute if that is what you need.

However your issue sounds a bit more complex than just depression.
You need to speak to your GP. Your son can’t remain isolated, you need to learn ways of coping with human interactions and making connections. As others have said, he will be asked to go to parties and play-dates and extra-curricular activities. He can’t miss out on those things because you don’t like people.

@ivfgottwins

I don’t want to make friends. I’ve never had any and I’m not interested.

You also don't want to go out 🤷‍♀️

Best will in the world I'm not sure how we are supposed to help?

Covid is here to stay - are you going to use being CEV as a reason to stay home forever?

1-2 hrs out of 10 playing with him is not a lot.

My DC were my shadows when they were little. Sitting down myself watching films whilst they pottered around the room just didn’t happen.
That’s the way it is.
It can be boring doing things you don’t want to do but having children is hard work and boring sometimes.

You have rejected some good ideas OP.
Have another look at them.
You say you don’t want to go out more but for your DS’s health I urge you to.

Could you be depressed? If you suspect you are, go to your GP and get some help.

NHS are giving appointments and you need one.

Sorry OP but I’m going to be blunt, you should feel guilty because you’re right; all this is completely unfair on your son.
Wear a mask and take him to activities. This is a shit life for him.

@Erysimium

Erysimium Please please see your GP I think I will. Thank you. It is about more than Covid - I just don’t want to go out, I’ve never gone out.

Just seen this! Please do it OP. This is no life for either of you.

Surely you considered what kind of an impact choosing to live such a sheltered and lonely life would have on your child before you had him? I’m wondering what they motivation behind having a child was?

What is the benefit of a late stage autism diagnosis?

There are fun and educational subscriptions like Geo Journey/ space journey which are great for giving kids something structured to do and they can often do this quite independently, then you can creat more activities based around it.. such as write a letter back to Geo and Atlas or draw a picture in the journal, or paint a flag of the country they have learned about. It's been a revelation for my friend who has 3 kids under 7 to entertain!

I’m wondering what they motivation behind having a child was?
My mother and husband wanted one. My husband said I’d I didn’t have a baby he’d divorce me and have one with someone else.

Tell your GP that your DS is isolated due to your social anxiety. You sound withdrawn and insular and I do think you are unhappy even if you say you’re not depressed.
You can take your DS to places and he can join in with activities whilst you just watch or drop him off.
He needs to interact even if you don’t want to.

@TeachesOfPeaches

What is the benefit of a late stage autism diagnosis?

Understanding, forgiveness of self for past perceived failures, knowledge of sensory triggers, just generally knowing that you are the way you are because you were born that way and not that your a bad person or a failure.

I spent twenty five years thinking I was just shit at everything. I wasn't. I was shit at some things but that wasn't my fault.

@Erysimium

I’m wondering what they motivation behind having a child was? My mother and husband wanted one. My husband said I’d I didn’t have a baby he’d divorce me and have one with someone else.

Talk to your GP OP.

@Erysimium that is so cruel.

Could you visit the woods and do a nature hunt? Collect leaves and make a leaf picture when you’re back?

Are you willing to go out if you wear a mask,