Mum guilt during the holidays

[Erysimium]

At home with 3yo DS over the summer holidays. I’m CEV and was shielding all last year. We’ve been going out a bit in the past few months but now I’m nervous because of masks and social distancing being removed, so we aren’t really going out any more. DS has no siblings, no cousins, I don’t have any mum friends who could bring kids to play, there are no other kids living in our street. I feel massively guilty because DS isn’t getting out much. I do play with him in the house and in the garden, but with the best will in the world I can’t play with him round the clock; an hour or two at a time is my max. I just feel guilty because he’s alone pretty much all the time apart from the periods where I play or read with him. He goes back to nursery in September for 2 days a week so will at least get out a bit then.

@Erysimium well it seems you have more problems in your family set up than not wanting to go out.

You sound unhappy in all aspects of your life. Am glad you've said you are going to speak to your GP.

Are you going to take up any of the suggestions for how your son could spend more time outside your home that people have taken time to suggest?

Your poor son, you know that this is no life for him 😞 take him to clubs, wear a mask and stand away from other parents and just stare at your phone if you have to. Please don’t isolate your son.

Hi OP, sounds like there's a lot going on for you.

Just regarding the swimming, that would be one to go back to I think - you said you used to do it pre Covid? I belong to a well known chain of health clubs and they are well up on the stats and there haven't been any Covid transmissions attributable to swimming/gym participation. Plus most pools continue to restrict numbers and you are encouraged to arrive changed.

I have needed to go to work, use public transport and be in rooms with lots of people (teacher) since September. I only got my first vaccination in April. I do remember feeling afraid before my return last summer, but it felt normal really quickly. Avoiding regular news watching will help a lot.

And absolutely no danger of smalltalk at the pool.

I wonder also if there is a charity for people with spleen problems you could access for advice.

I also agree with others about the need for a GP check up. You need a follow up after 3 years. Just taking antibiotics continually isn't great - for one thing, it can't be doing your gut much good? All sorts of things can go haywire during pregnancy - how do you know your immune system's still compromised if no-one's checked?

How did you support yourself before you met him?
I worked less than full time hours because it was just too overwhelming for me being in a busy office all day. Added to which I was never successful in being picked by an employer for a full time job anyway. Because I didn’t have much money I lived with my Dad, which was not a long term solution. DH knew I couldn’t realistically go back to my Dad’s and couldn’t afford to live on my own.

how do you know your immune system's still compromised if no-one's checked?
Because it’s an incurable lifelong condition that I had prior to being pregnant. There’s no reason to think that pregnancy could cure an incurable condition.

Just taking antibiotics continually isn't great
That’s the accepted treatment for my condition.

OK, I hadn't understood your post - I thought you meant it had developed during pregnancy, sorry.

There's still places you can go to safely. I took my kids to the library today. There were still restrictions on numbers in areas and whilst I did only see 3 other adults they were in masks!

Also see if you can find outdoor activities. Like forest school type clubs.

Are you taking him to the play park still? That's really low risk

I haven't read the whole thread so apologises if this has been said before.

Research the best masks available. FFP2 / FFP3 etc. We can now buy PPE which does protect the wearer. Having some might liberate you to try a few more activities with a bit more interaction between people.

Also, a friend of mine has got an autism diagnosis as an adult. Aside from the advice, understanding and support it brings, it enables her to ask for reasonable mitigations at work. For example, she hates working in the open plan office. They have agreed that she does not need to go back when covid is over. She's also in software and I think this pattern will be increasingly common - lots of people in software don't need to go back and many don't want to.

So, I'd encourage you to think about where you want your career to go next - which could involve some online courses first - and then get back to work, working from home. And get your DC into full time nursery.

If you can get yourself into a more secure place in the software industry you might feel more able to ask yourself if you want to stay with your DP, he doesn't sound nice. But that may be for another day.

You seem to be ok interacting with people on this online forum. And most of the responses to you have been positive. Does your gaming involve other people as well?

I think that this year and a half of pandemic plus having a child has gotten you into this routine where you have become completely insular. It feels very comfortable and safe, but long term it is probably not a very balanced way to live. Your child might very well turn out to be quite happy alone, but he needs an opportunity to socialise in case he is very different from you and craves company. I think you recognize there is an issue with how he is growing up hence posting here.

To give your DS company you could go back to work and fund more nursery. You could find organized activities where you mainly drop off. At 3 this becomes possible.

Most parents are ok talking about children so you have that topic if you need emergency small talk. The more you practice these interactions the easier it gets. And with a bit of luck you could find some people you are ok with and that accept you as you are. Good luck!

Is your DH spending time with DS each night? Or is he an absent father who doesn’t like the idea of coming home after work to spend time with his son? Is he doing a quiet activity, reading him a few books at bedtime and cuddling his little boy? What is the bedtime routine?

Op I think you should speak with your GP. You sound like you need some help. There are lots of suggestions here but you appear not to want a solution but just to feel sorry for yourself

Ok so you're CEV but your son will pick
Up all sorts of bugs at nursery in Sept! You have to start thinking logically about the dangers and the risk levels. You're vaccinated and can wear a mask when out. A lot of people are still very sensible with masks, social distancing etc

Go to your local park: take a picnic, stay out for more than 1 hour: we can spend al afternoon at ours and we always get chatting to somebody whilst there.

It sounds like your mental health could be playing a big part in this dilemma

@Erysimium

Could you maybe make an appointment to speak to your GP about how you feel? Covid has done such a number on people. I presumed they wouldn’t give a shit. There are people dying because the NHS can’t offer appointments at present, it seems ridiculous and unlikely for me to expect to be seen for mental health issues.

They will give a shit about mental health too. I saw a GP (face to face but I do know that isn’t an option everywhere) this week about my mental health. He very much gave a shit and wanted to help. It was absolutely terrifying and took a very long time to be persuaded to do it, but hopefully it will help in the long run. I can’t comment on whether or not you might be autistic. I am not as far as I know, but am very bad at making friends and making conversation with people. I am an introvert doing an extrovert’s job that involves interacting with a lot of people for 13hrs+ a day, talking to people I know and strangers with not a minute of peace and quiet, so I need peace on my days off to get over that. I have 2 DC and no friends. I hated taking them to toddler groups but knew it was best for them to see other people and get out of the house. I often mostly interacted with my DC, playing with them, but sometimes spoke to other parents and found asking them about their DC was a way into conversation and they would usually happily talk, then one DC would move on to another activity because toddlers have short attention spans so conversation was limited. We went to one toddler group a week and that was a reasonable balance between them needing to do things with other people and me not wanting to (they also went to nursery 2 days a week while I was at work). We also spent a lot of time at the park exploring where they would sometimes meet another kid and play with them but I didn’t have to speak to the parent. As others have said, there is a lot online now how to entertain DC in the house, so you can pick an activity a day maybe to do with your DS just for a little bit. I find it easier to make a list and pick from it e.g baking, craft (The Works delivers cheap craft stuff for young DC), some kind of role play, I agree with someone who said CBeebies magazines are a good way to fill some time. You have got a lot going on, but maybe seeing your GP will help find a way it will feel more manageable.

Your poor son, stuck with a mum who barely interacts with him and won’t take him out.

You sound selfish and full of excuses, you’re a parent you don’t come first any more that little child you brought into the world does.

There’s no reason you can’t be out and about with him, beach, woodland walks, play parks, even indoor playgroups and some soft plays you will find require parents to still wear masks. You don’t have to talk to other parents, you can sit back and watch him have some fun for once. If you’re insistent at keeping him cooped up then at least look at some books like 5 minute mum and set him some stimulating activities up.

No doubt you’ll have an excuse as to why you can’t do any of the above, just like you have done with PPs suggestions, because you want to stay home and watch telly. You should feel guilty, poor kid.

Please don't listen to @Winemewhynot OP.

I bet your child is well cared for, despite your own issues. The fact that you've come on here and asked questions shows that you are putting their happiness before your own.

You've been given some great advice on here already, definitely speak to your GP as a jumping off point, maybe write down what you want to tell them, so you don't get flustered?

I'm a bit anti social tbh. I don't have many friends and not too bothered. I'm not convinced this has anything to with being CEV for you OP.
For me it's partly laziness that I cba to deal with other people and partly too stressful. Anyway, I used to go to toddler groups, play groups with a church and the like. I am not religious but this was so easy because I would do the rounds at one then move on to another on a 5 week cycle or so so I never got to 'know' anyone, people were polite enough that if I gave them frown face they were happy to stay away and no high pressure to 'make friends'. Church halls are generally extremely cold and airy and there are many with high ceilings which is helpful for the air to flow. The people running the places are generally very accommodating too so if you said you're being careful people would probably help by keeping their distance etc .

As for the CEV bit, there are outdoor pools in the hot weather, a park is generally ok and I have 100% never made any friends there, most parents in the young dc parks are too busy running after a dc!

Indoors, you could go to any shops that open very early and get there at opening time, then leave when it starts to get busy, my local John Lewis is ok first thing.
Unfortunately for me my dc is thee most sociable little thing and chats to absolutely everybody. I've tried my best to put them under lock and key but they insist on getting out there and making friends so my ways haven't really had much of an effect.

But honestly 3 is a walk in the park for the antisocial, just you wait until the school mums hit you. Then it's game over. All those friendly faces just waiting to say hi day in day out