Mum guilt during the holidays

[Erysimium]

At home with 3yo DS over the summer holidays. I’m CEV and was shielding all last year. We’ve been going out a bit in the past few months but now I’m nervous because of masks and social distancing being removed, so we aren’t really going out any more. DS has no siblings, no cousins, I don’t have any mum friends who could bring kids to play, there are no other kids living in our street. I feel massively guilty because DS isn’t getting out much. I do play with him in the house and in the garden, but with the best will in the world I can’t play with him round the clock; an hour or two at a time is my max. I just feel guilty because he’s alone pretty much all the time apart from the periods where I play or read with him. He goes back to nursery in September for 2 days a week so will at least get out a bit then.

From your posts it's difficult to know what you want from the thread.
Do you want ideas as to how to entertain your child safely or are you looking for validation that what you're doing currently is ok?

Are you vaccinated, OP? Could you maybe go to an activity with your DS once a week at the very least? It might make you feel better to see him interacting with other kids while you can have a chat to other mums.
Yes I’m vaccinated. No I won’t be taking the risk of going to activities. I know this is selfish but the idea fills me with dread. I don’t want to chat to other mums and they certainly don’t want to chat to me. Basically my own lack of sociability means my DS has nobody to play with, and I feel so guilty.

I don’t want to make friends. I’ve never had any and I’m not interested.

You also don't want to go out 🤷‍♀️

Best will in the world I'm not sure how we are supposed to help?

Covid is here to stay - are you going to use being CEV as a reason to stay home forever?

Could you afford a nanny? They could take your ds to groups / soft play etc.

Your ds needs to socialise - i sympathise with your issues but if you can't help him socialise you need to find someone who will.

Hmm. Being parents sometimes means that we have to do stuff we might not enjoy because it's good for our kids. This thread is a bit odd tbh. You don't want to take him anywhere or do anything with him but then feel guilty as you are sitting inside doing nothing? There's loads of stuff you can do with a toddler - some of it might not be your idea of a fun day out but at some point we just have to suck it up because it's not all about us? That's just being a parent 🤷‍♀️

Taking DD2 to the supermarket is exciting for her
We used to go to the supermarket but we’ve stopped now that masks are no longer required. It’s too dangerous.

@Erysimium

Taking DD2 to the supermarket is exciting for her We used to go to the supermarket but we’ve stopped now that masks are no longer required. It’s too dangerous.

I just suggested that as an example. In my town, most people are still wearing masks in shops at the moment.

I used to spend hours in the playground when mine were that age. I didn’t need to speak to other adults (unless I wanted to) but DC got to make little friends and get a change of scene.

It does sound like you are using CEV as an excuse to stay a hermit. Which is not good for your DS.

@Erysimium

Taking DD2 to the supermarket is exciting for her We used to go to the supermarket but we’ve stopped now that masks are no longer required. It’s too dangerous.

Most supermarkets where I live are still insisting on masks. Nothing much has changed as far as I can tell. Leaving aside Covid, I get not wanting to go out but sometimes I have to suck it up. We go to the city farm, the park to play in the fountains, swimming, brunch outside. We spend time pottering too but DS is in nursery four days a week. I don't generally do my own thing when he's around though - even if I'm not actively playing with him, I don't tend to use my phone or the computer or whatever.

Cinema once a week
Swimming course / visits to pool
Outing to a cafe she likes
We used to go swimming before the pandemic. I’d love to go again but I don’t feel it’s safe; people definitely won’t be wearing masks in the pool. I definitely wouldn’t go to an indoor place like a cinema or cafe where there might be unmasked people.

Are you happy going into shops?

Could you plan a shopping list for baking ingredients together, walk to the shop to buy them, and then do the baking when you're home?

Same kind of idea but walking to the shops for some treats and having a cinema afternoon?

Library to borrow books? They're generally fairly quiet still.

Walk to the park with a picnic and a football? You could sit while he kicks a football near you?

Have you got any outside space? Is it enclosed? Could you get some chalks and let him draw on the patio, wall etc? Hopscotch? Small football? Basketball hoop?

Any charity shops nearby that you'd be happy going to for a browse or any toys, books etc?

Don't feel guilty. My ds is 7, nearly 8 now and those toddler years are really hard. They're not quite ready to play on their own and need lots of entertaining and exercising. It does get easier as they get older.

I never did a massive amount of paid for activities with mine, we used to go to the park, library, just for a walk and scoot round the block, getting a bus somewhere, just for the bus journey, walk and cafe, baking, play in the garden

Is this really about covid? Or is it about the fact that you don't like going out, and covid gives you a reason not to?

Have you thought about the future? At what point would you feel comfortable going out? What would have to change?

I used to take my kids to places like Pets at Home to look at the animals, they love an IKEA trip, supermarket, out to a cafe for lunch, zoo, picnics, puddle splashing in wet weather, the lake to feed the ducks.

All sorts. None of it was particularly fun for me, but the kids loved it. Even helping put food in the shopping trolley was the best thing ever! 3 yo are really easy to please in thay sense.

You need to put your issues aside and focus on your son.

@Erysimium

Can you take him to the park? Outside is much less risky! I do take him to the park. That fills about an hour. Other days we walk to Grandma’s house and play football on her lawn, that fills about two hours. We have about 10 hours to fill between getting up and cooking dinner.

Join local Facebook groups and ask what is on for young kids in your area!
We used to do activities pre-Covid but it’s not safe now. I won’t be risking my health by going to any indoor activities or groups, especially not now that masks are no longer required.

I don't mean to sound harsh but unless you make the effort to make mam friends then you will continue to feel this way.
Where do you suggest I meet these friends? Lots of activity groups are still “taking a break”. Even if they were open I couldn’t safely attend.

Also he's entitled to at least 15 hours at nursery-could he do 5 mornings for the consistency?
The nursery has offered 2 full days of 7 hours, starting in September. I would prefer every morning or afternoon but they won’t offer half days because it’s inconvenient for them. If I work he can get 30 hours but the issue then is finding somewhere that can take him for the extra days, because his nursery place is currently only 2 days.

Did you apply for a school nursery place?

Are you happy to work inside but not take your DS some where?

With an only child you need to put in more effort I’m afraid, read, messy play, crafts, playdoh, bake, try out different parks, go for a bike ride or scoot to buy an ice cream, sit outside a cafe, go on a nature walk or bug hunt, feed the ducks, make sure he can do everything he needs for nursery (put on coat and shoes, wipe bottom etc) or look on Pinterest for activities for 3 year olds.

Are you Ok with social distance in doors, swimming, library, food shop. All ECV is not equal but DH has decided now he is doubly vaccinated the kids need to do stuff.

But you’re happy to send DS to nursery OP? Where he will have unmasked close contact with loads of kids and several adults? Honestly this is far more of a covid risk for you than the cinema or supermarket.

Could you be depressed?
I doubt anyone would want to be friends with me anyway, they all have other options so why would they bother with me?
This makes me think you might be
No I’m not depressed. But a lifetime of experience has taught me that people don’t like me and don’t want to be my friend. So now I save myself the pain of rejection and I don’t bother trying to be friendly.

Don't beat yourself up. I am vulnerable too so am avoiding inside places with my DCs this holidays. My youngest is still at childminder 3x a week but my oldest, nearly 7 and autistic is v much home! We do a little outing a day, even if it's just pop to newsagent for a Kinder egg. Garden play. I always buy the kids a few holiday toys - things like play dog, pens, kinetic sand, stickers etc. I have an hour every day where they have their screens and I get to watch something I like on Netflix or whatever.

When I have the energy we bake. Baked stuff helps!

And tea. I drink a lot of tea!

From your posts OP it sounds like you could be suffering from depression. As parents we need to get support for ourselves so we can be the best parents we can be. It’s really hard to do that when you’re depressed. Could you maybe make an appointment to speak to your GP about how you feel? Covid has done such a number on people. I am vaccinated but did feel worried going to a group this morning. Nothing like seeing your kids running about and having fun though. It sounds like that amongst other things are missing from right now.

@Erysimium

Are you vaccinated, OP? Could you maybe go to an activity with your DS once a week at the very least? It might make you feel better to see him interacting with other kids while you can have a chat to other mums. Yes I’m vaccinated. No I won’t be taking the risk of going to activities. I know this is selfish but the idea fills me with dread. I don’t want to chat to other mums and they certainly don’t want to chat to me. Basically my own lack of sociability means my DS has nobody to play with, and I feel so guilty.

In a kind way it sounds like you need speak to your GP. You can’t keep a child in the house all day because you can’t be bothered to go out or you are scared of activities outdoors. You decided to be a parent, you need to parent your child and it sounds like you need help to be in a position to do it.

But you’re happy to send DS to nursery OP? Where he will have unmasked close contact with loads of kids and several adults?
Not really. But I have no choice because he needs it.

@Erysimium

Could you be depressed? I doubt anyone would want to be friends with me anyway, they all have other options so why would they bother with me? This makes me think you might be No I’m not depressed. But a lifetime of experience has taught me that people don’t like me and don’t want to be my friend. So now I save myself the pain of rejection and I don’t bother trying to be friendly.

In a year OP, when your DS is in reception and his friends are having birthday parties, tbf when he starts nursery the invites will begin - are you going to refuse them all because you don't want to go? Sports clubs he wants to attend where parents have to be there, swimming lessons?

My DD is 2.5 and we do plenty of stuff that doesn't have to involve making friends or going to busy places.

Last week for example:

We made a picnic lunch and took it to a nearby bench to eat it and watch people going by
Went out on balance bike
Went to watch the trains going past
Did a treasure hunt in the garden
Went to the library
Went to play park
Did some drawing with chalk on the paving stones in garden
Overalls on and paints and paper out in garden
Had a walk around neighbourhood to find bees on flowers and spot funny ornaments in people's gardens
Went to outdoor rhyme and song session at library

The days must be so long sitting inside and not doing anything. You can't really watch TV or piddle about on the computer for the entire day when you have a toddler who quite rightly wants to be doing and seeing things, it's not fair. I recommend speaking to your GP as this degree of malaise is indicative of depression I think.

Could you maybe make an appointment to speak to your GP about how you feel? Covid has done such a number on people.
I presumed they wouldn’t give a shit. There are people dying because the NHS can’t offer appointments at present, it seems ridiculous and unlikely for me to expect to be seen for mental health issues.

Also - are you near a garden centre? We go to our local one most days. It’s mostly open air, flowers cheer us up, there’s ice cream there and the target demographic of a garden centre are more then likely to be all vaccinated. Just puts me at ease a bit! We are still not supermarket shopping but so pop into the second hand bookshop now and again.

@Erysimium

Could you be depressed? I doubt anyone would want to be friends with me anyway, they all have other options so why would they bother with me? This makes me think you might be No I’m not depressed. But a lifetime of experience has taught me that people don’t like me and don’t want to be my friend. So now I save myself the pain of rejection and I don’t bother trying to be friendly.

OP I get that, I'm autistic and socially... interesting! Friends stress me out and I'm happy with my tiny circle of old friends. My eldest isn't fussed about pals but my youngest is. I can see myself having to push out of my comfort zone a bit as she gets older, which I'm not really happy about, but I will do it for her. And it doesn't matter if she sees me struggling, because she will also see me trying, which is more important.