The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

@Locash
Did you notice where I said I was jealous of child free people? I certainly have absolutely no judgement of them and I don't think that there is any evidence of that in my post. I am certainly not nasty or rude. Maybe sometimes it is difficult to convey tone in a social media post. You have quoted my entire post. Did you even read it all? Or did you wilfully misinterpret it?

Gaping hole?! But there are many ways to give meaning and purpose to life.

To reassure the PP who posted about their gaping hole musings: I really like my childfree life - and hopefully will be remembered for my achievements and the good I did beyond my death. I have an exciting career (which earns well and does good) am building up my NED portfolio in my mid-30s, playing piano concerts and volunteering in my spare time, travel (pre-lockdown) and spending time with my DH and the friends and family that mean a great deal to me.

I acknowledge that there may be some who always wanted children, unlike me, who weren't able to have them for whatever reason and who may have felt a sadness and may still. But there are so many more ways for an individual to find a sense of purpose than having a child.

No ones saying it is fountaining

But life changes. I have a solid group of friends who I am loyal towards but I have to admit I’m just not as close to them as I once was … that’s partly thanks to lockdown but it’s mostly because everyone is busy.

Children are a meeting point and a talking point. I have found it easier to make so many friends as a mum to a baby (even in lockdown) than the two decades prior to that.

My thirties were quite lonely as a result to be honest because I was mostly stuck in a muddy park trying to talk to friends between the squawks of toddlers

[quote FunnyWonder]@Locash
Did you notice where I said I was jealous of child free people? I certainly have absolutely no judgement of them and I don't think that there is any evidence of that in my post. I am certainly not nasty or rude. Maybe sometimes it is difficult to convey tone in a social media post. You have quoted my entire post. Did you even read it all? Or did you wilfully misinterpret it? [/quote]
I read it all. As did everyone else who has commented on it. Maybe you should work on how you word things as we have all, apparently, 'misinterpreted' it.

@Locash A few others singled out the 'gaping hole' comment, fair enough, but they didn't accuse me of being nasty or rude. Thanks for advice on writing though

What stands out to me is the way you seem to put some blame on your own mother.
It really isn't her responsibility to tell you whether or not to have children. She may not have mentioned your brother's colic because it didn't seem relevant. It's hardly genetic?!
She gave you some advice based on her experience. Maybe you don't hold a grudge against her (and I hope you don't), but if you do this seems unfair.

@Ardnassa

Gaping hole?! But there are many ways to give meaning and purpose to life.

To reassure the PP who posted about their gaping hole musings: I really like my childfree life - and hopefully will be remembered for my achievements and the good I did beyond my death. I have an exciting career (which earns well and does good) am building up my NED portfolio in my mid-30s, playing piano concerts and volunteering in my spare time, travel (pre-lockdown) and spending time with my DH and the friends and family that mean a great deal to me.

I acknowledge that there may be some who always wanted children, unlike me, who weren't able to have them for whatever reason and who may have felt a sadness and may still. But there are so many more ways for an individual to find a sense of purpose than having a child.

Very well said. I feel the same about my life. No deprivation or unfulfilled longings here.

@silvergoldstars

I think what does sometimes get missed on MN is that your life naturally changes anyway as you get older and even if you don’t have children, your friends do.

I have friends of all ages and demographics; their reproductive status is irrelevant.

Gaping hole?! But there are many ways to give meaning and purpose to life.

Of course there is

Equally some love having a family but don’t need to convince anyone else to

I really get what you're saying It does get easier as they get older and become little people. A lot of people who hate the early years do much better from 7+.

I'm mid forties and agree honest conversations about mothering are relatively new. I'm noticing that younger colleagues are very clear that they don't want children, largely because the topic is being discussed more. Parenting in our society is utterly unattractive to many educated young women with the world at their fingertips and I think many governments have made a child-hostile culture where younger women are seeing how much parents are struggling and deciding it's not what they want.

Most us do not feel confident in sharing their real feelings for fear of being dismissed as not coping or depressed. Society doesn't encourage it. Instead we' re expected to look fantastic, keep a spotless home, see to partner, siblings, and our older parents, homework, after school clubs, and entertaining. Not to mention being expected to hold down a paid job/ study of some sort as well as,, with a huge beam on our faces.
I hope our younger generation of women learn something from us and the state of our mental health and decide to do things differently.

@HereticFanjo

I really get what you're saying It does get easier as they get older and become little people. A lot of people who hate the early years do much better from 7+.

I'm mid forties and agree honest conversations about mothering are relatively new. I'm noticing that younger colleagues are very clear that they don't want children, largely because the topic is being discussed more. Parenting in our society is utterly unattractive to many educated young women with the world at their fingertips and I think many governments have made a child-hostile culture where younger women are seeing how much parents are struggling and deciding it's not what they want.

I don't feel it gets easier...sorry I don't want to scare anyone! But it doesn't. Teen years so far are horrendous.

Most mums

@Comedycook sorry that you're struggling. Can I ask what is so bad about the teen years?

[quote peasoup8]@Comedycook sorry that you're struggling. Can I ask what is so bad about the teen years?[/quote]
Attitude, backchat...much harder to punish bad behaviour. Naughty step and time out are no longer a thing. Only form of punishment is removal of tech but let's say your dc swears at you, you remove phone, they swear again, you remove xbox, they swear again, there's no more punishment available. Often being stricter makes them worse, but being lax doesn't work either. It's a Very tough balancing act! I consider myself fairly lucky too...They are well behaved at school, work pretty hard, no drugs or booze thankfully. But endless teen attitude and rudeness can really affect you negatively. Oh and they no longer go to bed early so you rarely have a childfree peaceful evening.

IMO the primary school years are the easiest.

@RampantIvy

IMO the primary school years are the easiest.

Agree completely

@Ardnassa Those were my musings about the gaping hole!! I appreciate your nuanced response. I think sometimes I forget that I had a life before my children came along and that, if I hadn't had them, I would still have a life with no noticeable gaps. In fact, it would have continued to develop and evolve in ways I can't imagine now.

It gets easier in some ways as they get older, and can, for example, leave the house by themselves to visit a friend, walk to school alone, go to the shops ..
However, your own independence is still limited and you are tied to their routines to a good extent.
Motherhood can feel like an incredibly bad deal if you don't have loads of money to outsource, or family on tap to step in and help.
It's the old responsibility thing. It all goes on way too long for my liking. I want to be free now.

I’ve found teen years very easy but only my first is a teen so will wait and see what happens

@moonface123 Totally agree that people in general don't like to hear that a mother isn't coping. It's a deadly sin on our part apparently, must be something wrong with us. I didn't mean friends or family necessarily, more the cultural narrative that constantly polices mothers.

@MoreAloneTime

For me it was the not knowing what I'd do with my life as a childfree person. I didn't like the idea of being "the one without kids" at gatherings for example. I suspect I'd have become quite insular.

Agree with this I get those same thoughts

Agree with this I get those same thoughts

I also had these thoughts, and it’s partly the reason I now have DC. I do sometimes wonder if that is a good reason for having a child though?

Another reason I really wanted children was because I didn’t want to miss out on what is undoubtedly such a massive, elemental, life-changing experience. We only live once and I really wanted to try it and go through it myself. Again, I’m not sure that is a good reason for having kids, but that is what went through my mind.

Not sure I feel lied to. I think everyone’s experiences are so different and everyone deals with it differently. Some women are emotionally able to leave the children with dad, aunts, uncles, friends etc and take a break. These types seem to fair better with it and be less stressed. All mine have been Velcro children and I’ve felt horrendous anxiety whenever they were not close.
I think there are no words or way to fully describe the mental ( and in some ways physical) suffering of motherhood but equally there are no words to describe the pleasure and love children bring you.

it gets easier in some ways as they get older, and can, for example, leave the house by themselves to visit a friend, walk to school alone, go to the shops ..
However, your own independence is still limited and you are tied to their routines to a good extent

Yes I totally agree. It really comfuses me when people say that they get their lives back after the baby,/toddler stage. Mine are 10/13...I'm still waiting. I still can't travel, holiday without them, go out without organising a babysitter or work without factoring in childcare.