The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

Everyone warned me how hard parenting would be. I expected to be exhausted, in physical pain from the birth, mentally scarred, socially isolated and unfulfilled.

The reality was very different. I found the years birth to 13 so easy and enjoyable. I breastfed all my children for 2 years which made going out so easy, no bottles and worrying about getting home for feeds. If I had disturbed nights I just caught up with sleep when I could. I arranged daily meet ups and outings with my new mum friends who have become lifelong friends. My eyes were opened to the wonder of the world by seeing it through my children's eyes. I enjoyed creative activities, nature walks, regular fun outings, sports.and educational activities. Pre-school age we enjoyed the freedom to take off on extended travels and had many amazing adventures. It was the best time of my life.

Teenage years, on the other hand, are not so much fun. Youngest child's SEN issues became very challenging to manage. School is very high pressure for teens and that negatively impacts on the whole family.

@LidoLady were you able to do all that alongside work?

OP, I sorry you've had this experience. I think it's becoming less taboo the more women speak out about it.

It's not just motherhood though, it's romantic love, marriage and the ensuing domestic drudgery that we've been hoodwinked over.

Have it all mentality. Women's magazines are still peddling this rubbish at us too.

[quote ChubbyLittleManInACampervan]@LidoLady were you able to do all that alongside work?[/quote]
I acknowledge that full time work and motherhood would be be a completely different and very difficult experience.

I worked 2 days a week with my first (after 18 months maternity leave), then gave up after my second was born. I returned to work in a part time school hours job when all three were at school.

I watched others do it so I had a fair idea of what to expect before i had my dd, but I do think a lot of people have babies on a whim or for the wrong reasons

No one I spoke to prior to having a baby ever said it was easy. I had brutal honesty and still didn't take any notice. I was totally naive and thought I too would carry on as normal with a baby in tow. Safe to say as a new mum with a 4 month old it's TOUGH, but I can't imagine my life without him. My old life is well and truly in the past and I'm slowly adjusting to the crazy life motherhood has given me and looking forward to making memories with my little smiley happy cub.

Tbh this reads like OP didn't do any research or open their eyes AT ALL before having kids??

My mum didn't tell me about colic but I knew it existed because I had basic awareness.

You didn't do NCT? Talk to friends? Read any articles online? See people out and about with their kids?

"Society" doesn't say having kids is a fairytale and no one as far as I know is saying "life will be the same just with a little baby smiling up at you." If you go into it blindfolded with that expectation that's on you.

I had no idea either. I love my children but I hate parenting and my eldest is 13 now. I was also unfortunate to have my husband to turn out completely useless and uninterested in doing kids centered stuff. He still to this day hasn't taken them on any kind of outing alone, although he got better with essential things such as sports fixtures as they got older. I probably may have not found it all as hard and miserable if I had any family here but mine are they other side of the world so not a single parent, sibling, cousin, aunt or grandparent to help out even for a few hours. My in-laws are near but refused to look after them.

It's all hard and the one decision in life you can't change. The only way around it is through it.

People thought I hated being a mother because of how honest I am about the realities. A few people have said I've put them off having children.

I adore my children and they make me so so happy but there are times where I could just run away.

@Elune

I was prepared for it to be very hard and actually we were lucky to have an easy baby who is now an easy toddler and I can't really identify with having no spare time for myself. She is asleep by 7 every night and she has a dad who will happily take her when I want to go and do something.

Expecting number two so I am prepared for it to be a lot harder this time round, but the absolute joy that I get from DD has been life-changing and I can't imagine life without her. She has given me a love and purpose that I never knew existed.

That said, there was a time when I thought I didn't want to have children and if I had stuck on that path then I'm sure I would have been perfectly happy too and been fulfilled in other ways.

I think it depends on what your life is like too. We weren't really much for going out. We are homebodies and our holidays tended to be cottage holidays with the odd abroad holiday a year because we have a dog. We have been used to not being able to randomly disappear for days at a time because we can't leave DDog, so that part of having a child hasn't really affected us. In the newborn stage, I had bags of time to watch Netflix and read, and now she's 2.5 she's reliably in bed and asleep every night and I can do whatever I want then. If you're used to a very different lifestyle then I can imagine it being very hard to adjust.

Agree! I think lifestyle is a HUGE factor. If you have a proper professional career, and are used to a more corporate city based lifestyle, I can see being at home with a newborn is very different. Similar to you, we are based rurally, so weren't used to going out regularly, and had much more home based lifestyle already.

Yes I don't understand ppl who say if they could turn back the clock they would, they really regret having children ect but then go on to have more?? I mean if I chose to have a dog and really regretted it I wouldn't get another one. I don't understand the logic.
I have children and absolutely love being a mum. My only regret is not starting earlier so I could have more.
I don't have a wrecked body either, I'm pretty much the same as pre pregnancy except a bit smaller.
There does seem to be some nasty comments floating about and I'm not sure what purpose they serve tbh.
I do feel like some mums need more support and don't have enough ppl to reach out to. I feel like the sense of community has somewhat been lost. Years ago women rallied around each other and I think there was much less competition about. Plus I don't think social media helps anyone.

@memberofthewedding

Absolutely disgusting. All you had to say is no, referring to that baby as 'it' and what you did is neglect. You utter scumbag.

@memberofthewedding

It makes me angry the way women with children try to sometimes emotionally blackmail women who are childfree.

One day a neighbour knocked and asked me if I would take her DD for a couple of hours while she went to an "interview". She knew I worked at home and also that I didnt want to do it and emotionally blackmailed me by saying she had asked everyone else and I was her "last hope". I dont know what she intended to do if she got the job. I didnt ask.

The child was in a carry cot which she put in the bedroom at my direction and I simply left it there. When she returned she asked "how has she been" I told her I that she did begin to cry but that I turned the TV up.

She never again asked me to look after her child.

You're actually vile.

[quote Worldwide2]@memberofthewedding

Absolutely disgusting. All you had to say is no, referring to that baby as 'it' and what you did is neglect. You utter scumbag.[/quote]
I'd say it's the parents who didn't secure childcare who are the scumbags.

Who dumps an infant with a disinterested neighbor? That's what is reprehensible.

We don't owe parents free babysitting, you know.

Of course you dont, but surely just say no?

It makes me angry the way women with children try to sometimes emotionally blackmail women who are childfree

One day a neighbour knocked and asked me if I would take her DD for a couple of hours while she went to an "interview". She knew I worked at home and also that I didnt want to do it and emotionally blackmailed me by saying she had asked everyone else and I was her "last hope". I dont know what she intended to do if she got the job. I didnt ask

The child was in a carry cot which she put in the bedroom at my direction and I simply left it there. When she returned she asked "how has she been" I told her I that she did begin to cry but that I turned the TV up.

She never again asked me to look after her child

Why didn't you put your childfree, big girl pants on and decline, saying sorry but you were too busy?

Instead, you left a small child, who doesn't know you really and unable to communicate with you, and when they tried to tell you how scared and upset they were, you turned up the sound on the TV

She shouldn't have called you her 'only hope' and make you look the bad guy if you said no. But you are the real one 'in the wrong' here

@PerveenMistry

No you don't owe someone with children free babysitting that's why you say no! It's not hard really easy, 'no'. She didn't have to take that poor baby in, the neighbour would have had to deal with it. Instead the child free hater said yes that's reprehensible. She was in the wrong. She took responsibility of that young baby when she said yes. No one forced her.
She also referred to the baby as 'it' which speaks volumes.
What she did was absolutely vile and abusive. Scumbag.

Did that baby left alone and TV turned up story really happen or is it a wind up?

@Morealonetime

Im not sure hopefully it's just made up.

@PerveenMistry

I have to say reading your posts you sound very unconvincing and I don't know bitter?
Posting on MN trying to convince us mums that your sooooooo happy just doesn't really sound genuine.

Op. I agree in some ways. My baby's were both different and as primary kids we had a lot of fun
And joy

My dd is now a teen and this is by FAR the hardest job I've ever had steering here through these years

I'm knackered stressed worried and the fun days are very far apart.

At this moment I feel a child free life would be better in many ways. Hopefully in years to come I will look back and be proud but right now it seems a long way off

Thanks god my son is good (at the moment)

@MoreAloneTime

For me it was things like the safe sleep info, it made me just take for granted my babies would happily sleep alone in a cot. I took for granted they'd take proper naps where I could put them down and get on with stuff. I've never seen a portrayal of a velcro baby on any media.

This exactly !!! I appreciate there needs to be safe sleep info but it's completely unrealistic as a HUGE proportion of babies in the 4th trimester will not be put down!!!! So where's the safe sleep advice for the reality of the situation

I wonder how much social media and tv have impinged on our lives. I had mine pre that - I would get frustrated trying to listen to the play on Radio4 in the middle of the afternoon and the DC was making a noise so I missed it.
Now we have sooooo much more things to do than feed baby so much more need for free time. And other stuff has increased to fill our time, amount of stuff we own, amount of washing that's done, nice interesting meals produced (poached eggs on toast anyone?),
have these things made it harder?

There is advice for safe co-sleeping now. It became recognised that by simply saying co-sleeping is unsafe, people were trying really hard to avoid it and inadvertantly falling asleep in much riskier situations, and/or hiding the fact they did it from health professionals and therefore not getting access to good advice, so unicef and Lullaby trust developed guidelines for health professionals to talk to parents about the risks and how to reduce them, rather than saying a blanket no.

They have not done this in the US, and notably those products sold here as sleep aids (the pods/nests) are marketed in the US as "in-bed co-sleepers" aka products claiming to reduce the risks of co-sleeping which is seen as very risky. The problem is they actually increase risk.

I don’t think there have been any cases of SIDS with the baby nests, though, it’s just they deviate from the official advice.

I do think parenting can be very hard work and stressful. But I would do it all again for ds.