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Original poster

The way society lies to us about motherhood

449 replies

RLRapunzel · 10/07/2021 07:14

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

OP posts:
Fountaining · 11/07/2021 14:46

@Comedycook

it gets easier in some ways as they get older, and can, for example, leave the house by themselves to visit a friend, walk to school alone, go to the shops .. However, your own independence is still limited and you are tied to their routines to a good extent

Yes I totally agree. It really comfuses me when people say that they get their lives back after the baby,/toddler stage. Mine are 10/13...I'm still waiting. I still can't travel, holiday without them, go out without organising a babysitter or work without factoring in childcare.

@Comedycook, but from your other thread if it isn't bad form to bring in another current discussion this is largely because your husband does no childcare, and this is your preference. I go away by myself or with friends, or out at night at the drop of a hat, after a check with DH to see that he's available. And sure, you'll need wraparound and holiday care for children of that age, but that's pretty much par for the course.
Comedycook · 11/07/2021 14:50

@Fountaining

No it's not because of that ..if I want to go out for the evening or during the day when he's not at work, then I do. I'm not trapped. He's actually out right now with one of the dc. But no, I still don't consider myself free. I'm tied to the school run...if I want a job I need to factor in wrap around care. I can go out on the evening with friends but if I want to go out with dh then we cannot just do that, we need a babysitter. We cannot ever go away together without the dc because I have no one who could have them overnight really. So no, I still don't have my life back.

HumunaHey · 11/07/2021 15:25

@Comedycook

it gets easier in some ways as they get older, and can, for example, leave the house by themselves to visit a friend, walk to school alone, go to the shops .. However, your own independence is still limited and you are tied to their routines to a good extent

Yes I totally agree. It really comfuses me when people say that they get their lives back after the baby,/toddler stage. Mine are 10/13...I'm still waiting. I still can't travel, holiday without them, go out without organising a babysitter or work without factoring in childcare.

Why are you confused? That's just your situation. Some people have parents (childs grandparents) who are happy to watch their grandkids at the drop of a hat, let them sleepover for a few days while parents go on holiday/short break, do the school run a couple of days a week, etc. Beyond grandparents, there are siblings and close friends.

Also, some people would happily leave a 10 and 13 home alone for a couple of hours, depending on varying factors.

Everyone's situation is different and everyone's approach is different. And, as is played out on this thread, that is why everyone's take on the impact of motherhood is different.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
cooldarkroom · 11/07/2021 16:04

This is before
School, homework, bullying, sports events, teeth braces, adolescents, drugs, police, shop lifting, drunken parties, running away, financing studies, unable to get a job, still living at home at 25
You need a hard hat.....

Comedycook · 11/07/2021 16:07

@cooldarkroom

This is before School, homework, bullying, sports events, teeth braces, adolescents, drugs, police, shop lifting, drunken parties, running away, financing studies, unable to get a job, still living at home at 25 You need a hard hat.....
What a terrifying, anxiety inducing list

I don't drink but I might start...

2020newmum · 11/07/2021 16:16

drugs, police, shop lifting

To be fair, I don't think the above three are the norm for most parents!

GettingUntrapped · 11/07/2021 16:20

I'm not sure about Comedycook, but for me arranging care for them when I want to go out for a few hours, or even a few days is only a slight sniff of freedom.
You still have to come back to your responsibilities, that you have based your life around. That's the rub for me.
But I understand that many welcome that responsibility. I'm a traveling nomad at heartGrin and always will be. I've got very itchy feet at the moment but will have to make do with a few days break instead of the adventure I long for. It will come though.

Comedycook · 11/07/2021 16:21

not sure about Comedycook, but for me arranging care for them when I want to go out for a few hours, or even a few days is only a slight sniff of freedom

Yes exactly

MarshaBradyo · 11/07/2021 16:23

@GettingUntrapped

I'm not sure about Comedycook, but for me arranging care for them when I want to go out for a few hours, or even a few days is only a slight sniff of freedom. You still have to come back to your responsibilities, that you have based your life around. That's the rub for me. But I understand that many welcome that responsibility. I'm a traveling nomad at heartGrin and always will be. I've got very itchy feet at the moment but will have to make do with a few days break instead of the adventure I long for. It will come though.
Did you feel this before dc and thought it would continue fine with them?
Peppallama · 11/07/2021 16:28

As a mother of allergy babies I definitely feel like would-be parents should be far more informed of allergies and their resulting colic. It was/is a nightmare for us.

namechange90832 · 11/07/2021 16:30

I still can't travel, holiday without them

This is either down to your own circumstances or through your own choice, it's not a pre-requisite for parenthood. DH and I have gone on a few lovely child free holidays since the kids have been born, (I can almost hear the gasps).

Comedycook · 11/07/2021 16:31

@namechange90832

I still can't travel, holiday without them

This is either down to your own circumstances or through your own choice, it's not a pre-requisite for parenthood. DH and I have gone on a few lovely child free holidays since the kids have been born, (I can almost hear the gasps).

Good for you. I have no family able to look after them
Fountaining · 11/07/2021 16:37

[quote Comedycook]@Fountaining

No it's not because of that ..if I want to go out for the evening or during the day when he's not at work, then I do. I'm not trapped. He's actually out right now with one of the dc. But no, I still don't consider myself free. I'm tied to the school run...if I want a job I need to factor in wrap around care. I can go out on the evening with friends but if I want to go out with dh then we cannot just do that, we need a babysitter. We cannot ever go away together without the dc because I have no one who could have them overnight really. So no, I still don't have my life back.[/quote]
We've never had any family childcare either all of both families are in another country and where we lived for the first eight years of DS's life had no tradition of local babysitters or babysitting circles, and wasn't covered by the big UK-wide sitter services, so it was even difficult to get a paid sitter. So for years we took in turns to go out at night or for a weekend, if it was somewhere we couldn't take DS, all childcare has always been paid, as is holiday care.

But this wasn't a surprise to me after I had DS -- wasn't it obvious to you that you were going to have to pay a sitter? Plus you say in your other thread that you want to continue to be a SAHM, so it's not that you and your DH paying from before and after school care is actively preventing you from re-entering the workforce...? All you seemed to want was for your DH to stop working from home because he was getting in your way.

namechange90832 · 11/07/2021 16:38

Good for you. I have no family able to look after them

That's why I said down to circumstances OR choice, not inevitable for all parents. Just explaining to anyone "confused", as mentioned, about feeling freedom whilst kids are still relatively dependent, I don't feel tied down like I did at the baby/toddler stages which was crippling for me. We have support, and utilise it.

gorngss · 11/07/2021 16:53

Yes it's hard and it's horrible and there's absolutely no doubt that the first days/weeks/months are relentless and makes you despair of life. But dare I say it, even in the midst of all that I KNEW deep inside that I loved this person and this was the right decision for me. If I could go back I would choose the same and I'm very thankful that I have the gift of children. I can't think of a crueler fate than not having them. When you say you weren't warned maybe people didn't feel that any warnings were needed? It's a well known fact that babies are hard work.

But yes YANBU and IANBU and nobody is being U because we are happy with different things.

memberofthewedding · 11/07/2021 17:37

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Worldwide2 · 11/07/2021 18:01

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namechange90832 · 11/07/2021 18:08

So maybe instead I got given something that other women dont have. The intelligence to escape being some mans legal concubine and baby machine.

Brutal 😂

grapewine · 11/07/2021 18:16

So maybe instead I got given something that other women dont have. The intelligence to escape being some mans legal concubine and baby machine.

That's brutal.

GettingUntrapped · 11/07/2021 18:28

@memberofthewedding speaks the truth. Women are truly and often completely screwed over if they have children. It can so easily be the end of you as an autonomous being. It is conveniently assumed by our culture that women naturally give up themselves, their own dreams for themselves (if there ever were any in their little pink heads) when they reproduce.
Incidentally, the situation is very similar for other female mammals. The males make it extremely difficult females to reproduce in peace. So difficult that it's a kind of war between them.
Personally, I didn't see the reality of motherhood before dipping in, and now admire those who saw it clearly and refused it.

That's what's playing out.
We need to acknowledge the animal in us
Males trying to control females.
It's s

Neondisco · 11/07/2021 18:51

I don't mean to be that dick op. I'm truly sorry you're not having a great time.

I'm child free by choice and think motherhood is really hard, that's why I haven't done it. But I can't get over how many people constantly say they had no idea how hard it was. When people say how hard it is all of the time. How do I know how hard it is and have made my choice accordingly?

Honesty I think people just think it won't be hard for them and they will do better. So I think a huge part of the lying is parents /women to themselves.

Neondisco · 11/07/2021 18:53

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

I really can't fathom why you'd think this.

gorngss · 11/07/2021 19:03

Are you a lesbian @memberofthewedding ?

Lottapianos · 11/07/2021 19:39

'But I can't get over how many people constantly say they had no idea how hard it was. When people say how hard it is all of the time. How do I know how hard it is and have made my choice accordingly?'

Same here. Maybe some people listen more to the social media hype than to what their actual real friends / family / colleagues say. Pretty daft of course!

MyDcAreMarvel · 11/07/2021 19:45

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before.
I have 8 children and all the above is true. I have had babies/young children for 22 years. Obviously I have to put my children’s needs before my own wants but I wouldn’t call it a sacrifice. Being a mother doesn’t mean you can’t ever do anything for yourself.
I did have pre natal depression twice though, that was awful made worse by the fact it isn’t really talked about.