Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

The way society lies to us about motherhood

449 replies

RLRapunzel · 10/07/2021 07:14

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

OP posts:
pleasepuddinghot · 11/07/2021 07:26

I agree society does lie to you, nobody discussed birth injuries when I had mine 20 odd years ago, (unless best friend confiding her issues and it was all secretive and slightly shameful) it's relentless and hard work.
Also I am not the person I was before the birth of my second child due to PND.
I love my kids to bits, but today if I was contemplating having a child I don't believe I would.

Blueuggboots · 11/07/2021 07:37

I fully agree.

milkieway · 11/07/2021 07:39

@BertieBotts

There is advice for safe co-sleeping now. It became recognised that by simply saying co-sleeping is unsafe, people were trying really hard to avoid it and inadvertantly falling asleep in much riskier situations, and/or hiding the fact they did it from health professionals and therefore not getting access to good advice, so unicef and Lullaby trust developed guidelines for health professionals to talk to parents about the risks and how to reduce them, rather than saying a blanket no.

They have not done this in the US, and notably those products sold here as sleep aids (the pods/nests) are marketed in the US as "in-bed co-sleepers" aka products claiming to reduce the risks of co-sleeping which is seen as very risky. The problem is they actually increase risk.

Yes they have introduced some guidance but it doesn't go far enough and isn't widely known or supported by health visitors, my sister recently had advise to put 1 week old breastfed baby in cot to "self soothe" to sleep

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Worldwide2 · 11/07/2021 08:29

@BertieBotts

I agree I think more advice and guidance should be given in regards to co sleeping especially when breastfeeding.
I had my first in a another European country and they advocate it there. I was absolutely terrified when they were encouraging me and placing baby in bed with me. But they should me how to do it safely, it's not simply getting into bed with a baby. If it's done correctly it can really help with sleep for the mum and baby. Hence why so many other parts of the world its the norm.

Worldwide2 · 11/07/2021 08:31

*showed

MoreAloneTime · 11/07/2021 08:33

The flavour of baby advice and guidance in general feels very best case scenario and idealistic.

milkieway · 11/07/2021 08:48

[quote Worldwide2]@BertieBotts

I agree I think more advice and guidance should be given in regards to co sleeping especially when breastfeeding.
I had my first in a another European country and they advocate it there. I was absolutely terrified when they were encouraging me and placing baby in bed with me. But they should me how to do it safely, it's not simply getting into bed with a baby. If it's done correctly it can really help with sleep for the mum and baby. Hence why so many other parts of the world its the norm.[/quote]
I totally agree @Worldwide2 I was terrified of cosleeping - it was a taboo subject with everyone I spoke to

Most breastfeeding mothers will end up with baby in bed at some point with them - no one told me this or how to do it safely all I was told was safest place is baby on their own sleep surface so I tried very hard in the early weeks to do this leading to so much stress. I did a lot of my own research on it including info from BASIS website and felt so angry I had been deprived this really in the first place really

silvergoldstars · 11/07/2021 08:52

Sorry if I sound stupid but how has this become another discussion about co sleeping?

Snog · 11/07/2021 09:19

Why have a second child though OP?
At that point presumably you knew the realities of parenting?

FunnyWonder · 11/07/2021 09:46

I was late having my children. DP and I had been together for many years and I never felt ready for children. But when I did get that feeling kicking in, I don't think it would have mattered what anyone said about sleepless nights, no free time, no personal space, the relentlessness of it all. Once I was in the 'I want a baby' zone, I wouldn't have listened. The desire to have a child was overwhelming all of a sudden - probably because the springs of my biological clock were stretched to breaking point!

I love knitting and was making a lacy baby blanket while pregnant. My SIL said I should enjoy knitting while I could because I wouldn't have any time for it once the baby was born. I just said 'Aye, well nothing will stop me knitting, not even a baby' (addiction is a terrible thingGrin) Needless to say, she was right. Righter than Rightperson from Rightland. DS1 was 'high maintenance' (I know this now because DS2 wasn't) and he must have been about two years old before I even registered that my knitting needles were lying abandoned and I didn't even care. I didn't have the bloody energy to care.

I feel utterly jealous of childless people, while also feeling strangely sorry for them. The couple next door to us are in their late fifties and have no children. I have no idea if this was deliberate or if just didn't happen for them, if they went through hell trying to conceive. I would never pry obviously. But I do look at their freedom - their holidays, their hobbies, their social lives - and I feel rather wistful at times. And yet I feel as though there must be a gaping hole in their lives, which may or may not be the case, but that's the sort of stuff that runs through my head!!

PerveenMistry · 11/07/2021 09:56

No gaping hole in my life. We have plenty of extended family including those of the next generation.

MoreAloneTime · 11/07/2021 10:10

Agree about the hobbies. I find birthdays and Christmas awkward when people would ask me what I want and I'd be thinking what could I possibly want when I don't have time to even do anything

RampantIvy · 11/07/2021 10:13

And yet I feel as though there must be a gaping hole in their lives

I doubt very much if I would have felt a gaping hole in my life if I didn't have DD. There wasn't one before.

Comedycook · 11/07/2021 10:24

@PerveenMistry

No gaping hole in my life. We have plenty of extended family including those of the next generation.
There would have been a gaping hole in my life. My extended family is small and spread across several countries. I think it's easier to be childfree and happy if you have a large, close extended family
PerveenMistry · 11/07/2021 10:28

We actually don't have a large, close extended family. But what we do have is plenty for us.

scottmichael · 11/07/2021 10:30

I don't feel lied to. 10 years in and it has made my life so much better. Dreading the teen years but I've always known that would be difficult. I only have 1 though, more than 1 would be too much for me.

Fountaining · 11/07/2021 10:30

@RampantIvy

And yet I feel as though there must be a gaping hole in their lives

I doubt very much if I would have felt a gaping hole in my life if I didn't have DD. There wasn't one before.

Exactly. And I don’t have a large extended family — none of my three siblings have children, by choice in two of the three cases — and we’re very scattered internationally.

But I certainly didn’t need there to be lots of nieces and nephews around in order to make it easier for me to choose not to have a child.

MarshaBradyo · 11/07/2021 10:31

I definitely don’t think that people will feel a gap or hole

But I did feel pain / sadness when I couldn’t for a while then with mc

I imagine for me that would have continued but maybe subsided idk

It stopped when I had the dc though so I won’t know

Locash · 11/07/2021 10:33

@FunnyWonder

I was late having my children. DP and I had been together for many years and I never felt ready for children. But when I did get that feeling kicking in, I don't think it would have mattered what anyone said about sleepless nights, no free time, no personal space, the relentlessness of it all. Once I was in the 'I want a baby' zone, I wouldn't have listened. The desire to have a child was overwhelming all of a sudden - probably because the springs of my biological clock were stretched to breaking point!

I love knitting and was making a lacy baby blanket while pregnant. My SIL said I should enjoy knitting while I could because I wouldn't have any time for it once the baby was born. I just said 'Aye, well nothing will stop me knitting, not even a baby' (addiction is a terrible thingGrin) Needless to say, she was right. Righter than Rightperson from Rightland. DS1 was 'high maintenance' (I know this now because DS2 wasn't) and he must have been about two years old before I even registered that my knitting needles were lying abandoned and I didn't even care. I didn't have the bloody energy to care.

I feel utterly jealous of childless people, while also feeling strangely sorry for them. The couple next door to us are in their late fifties and have no children. I have no idea if this was deliberate or if just didn't happen for them, if they went through hell trying to conceive. I would never pry obviously. But I do look at their freedom - their holidays, their hobbies, their social lives - and I feel rather wistful at times. And yet I feel as though there must be a gaping hole in their lives, which may or may not be the case, but that's the sort of stuff that runs through my head!!

Let's hope your children aren't childfree or childless then. Some people really are so nasty and then wonder why childfree and childless people are rude about parents and the friendships they have with childfree and childless people fade out 🙄
MoreAloneTime · 11/07/2021 10:34

For me it was the not knowing what I'd do with my life as a childfree person. I didn't like the idea of being "the one without kids" at gatherings for example. I suspect I'd have become quite insular.

MarshaBradyo · 11/07/2021 10:35

I should have said all people there

We all feel differently- including our dc

grapewine · 11/07/2021 10:36

I always find it so strange that some parents feel sorry for me as a childfree person. I have challenges that carry sadness at times, not having children is not one of them.

silvergoldstars · 11/07/2021 10:36

I think what does sometimes get missed on MN is that your life naturally changes anyway as you get older and even if you don’t have children, your friends do.

MoreAloneTime · 11/07/2021 10:37

@silvergoldstars

I think what does sometimes get missed on MN is that your life naturally changes anyway as you get older and even if you don’t have children, your friends do.
I think that's what I was getting at, the left behind feeling. Must be different if you have solid friends with the same lifestyle.
Fountaining · 11/07/2021 10:39

@silvergoldstars

I think what does sometimes get missed on MN is that your life naturally changes anyway as you get older and even if you don’t have children, your friends do.
That depends on your friends, surely? I have quite a few childfree friends, and friends whose children are well into adulthood and living on another continent. It’s not some notional eternal barbecue where all the other guests are frolicking with their adorable, mop-headed under-tens.