Feel so guilty that my child is not in nursery

[unsure1111]

I always wanted to wait until my son (currently 11 months) was 3 to put him into nursery, firstly because I want to spend as much time with him as possible and secondly because that’s when the 30 free hours kick in. But literally every mum I meet whose children go to nursery raves about how wonderful it is for their child, what a fantastic thing it is and how it’s been the making of their son or daughter.

I’m now feeling extremely guilty that my son isn’t getting these opportunities and am really worrying that he’s missing out.

In addition to wanting to keep him with me for two more years (selfish maybe?) we don’t have a lot of money and would struggle to afford the fees if we were to send him.

Is he missing out by not going and am I depriving him of some wonderful opportunities to meet other children, have fun and develop his social skills?

As long as you go to activities where other children will be he will get interaction that way. With my daughter we did various different Stay and Play and singing at the library and that was it until she started the nursery class age 3 at the local primary.

Is he missing out by not going? Not at his age. When kids are 3ish, I think they really do benefit from getting to experience a more structured environment and play with other kids. But for a baby? It’s childcare. Nothing more and nothing less.

He’s really not. There’s no right or wrong here - if you were keeping him at home and strapping him to the telly for twelve hours a day that would be neglectful but presumably you’re (covid allowing) taking him to parks / playgroups / different things in day to day life?

Some people need to work, financially or otherwise. Some can’t (ditto). Your child isn’t going to be behind or somehow missing out from not being at nursery at a year old.

FWIW - and it’s pure anecdote, there’s plenty on all sides - DD was at home with me until 1.5 years, and then had minimal (less than a day) of childcare a week, then two mornings a week at nursery from two, and is now doing slightly more at 3.5. You can’t tell the difference when you look at her with her friends, who is in nursery one day/five days/not at all.

Is he missing out by not going? Not at his age.

Do you think so? I’ve met so many mums who say their babies really love going and have such a good time there. I feel so worried that my son could be missing out. We go to one baby class a week now things are starting up again but I’m worried it’s not enough.

At 11 months it's childcare. Nothing wrong with that but they don't start to benefit from the social aspect and learning through play until 2.5 or even 3.

No need to feel guilty. Our little one started at 15 months as we both work and yes it has really helped her developed different skills - social, language, other. She copied the other kids’ behaviour which has been positive.

that said we didn’t have a choice. I would love to spend every day with her but can’t. So if you can still do activities regularly it’s probably fine not to use nursery. Although you may feel differently when they are 2 anyway as very different to your little sweet 11 month old

Our little one started at 15 months as we both work and yes it has really helped her developed different skills - social, language, other. She copied the other kids’ behaviour which has been positive.

That sounds really good and is exactly what I’m worried about - that my son isn’t getting these opportunities!

The kids might like being a nursery but not any more than staying at home.

I think people often say that out of guilt. How many of the ones that say that to you are using for childcare whilst they work?

Having said that I definitely think there is a benefit to nursery / pre school in the year or so before they start school. So many social skills to learn amongst their peers.

@unsure1111

Is he missing out by not going? Not at his age.

Do you think so? I’ve met so many mums who say their babies really love going and have such a good time there. I feel so worried that my son could be missing out. We go to one baby class a week now things are starting up again but I’m worried it’s not enough.

OP surely if other parents have to send their DC to nursery for childcare then they’re going to view it in a positive light.

That may also feel really guilty for having to send them!!

Different people need to do different things when raising their kids, don’t put yourself into financial difficulty because someone else thinks nursery has been great for their 11 month old.

Get out to a few baby/toddler groups if you’re worried about interaction.

I wouldn’t say we do a huge amount of activities - we go out for a walk to the shops or the park every day (unless the weather is bad!) and do a baby class once a week. He plays on his mat at home a lot, sometimes with me, sometimes on his own.

Just one thing you need to consider. It sounds like your a stay at home mum? You'll need to check if your eligible for the 30hrs as I think it's 15hrs if only 1 of you works

Babies aren't generally going to nursery to develop skills. If you are lucky, they don't hate it. Mine were going from one. They would have preferred to be at home without a doubt but they accepted it. Your plan sounds perfect. You might find parents exaggerate how much DC "loves" nursery and all they get from it because for many there is some guilt involved. There was for me anyway. I am sure some babies love it but mine did not. I would do it all again but I would be slightly jealous of someone who didn't use nursery.

Coming from the other side of this - someone who occasionally feels a bit guilty that my DS went to nursery from 10 months - please don’t worry. The social interaction and playtime they get at nursery is great but as othes have said, they don’t play “with” other children until a bit older. I’ve seen this at pickup on fine weather days when the baby room are in the garden, they’re all just sitting or standing in their own little world, playing

Could you go to more baby classes or meet up with friends during the week?

Well I will say that when my DD was 11 months I didn't feel ready to send her into nursery, but she's over 2 now and my perspective on wanting to keep her home to have maximum time with her has changed. After a few days intense 1:1 I'm ready for a break, toddlers are a tiring whirlwind if you want to keep them properly stimulated. She goes to nursery for three afternoons a week which is a great balance for us, lots of time together but she has those sessions to develop her social skills and get to do loads of activities I'm not super mum enough to do with her every day. During Covid, in particular, it's been fantastic to be able to give her that kind of interaction.

So your feelings may well change before they are 3! But that said, I wouldn't feel bad if that's when they start, there's pros and cons at any age and that will still give them plenty of time before school.

A nursery teacher once told me under 5 you are their best teacher...
My dc were all 3 before they went.. Until then I wanted to be the one who spent the best /most time with them!! My 6yo still remembers our trips to cafes and parks and other quite mundane occasions as being great fun!!
Why would you not recognise you waited 9 months for your dc to get here - savour every day you can!!

@unsure1111

Our little one started at 15 months as we both work and yes it has really helped her developed different skills - social, language, other. She copied the other kids’ behaviour which has been positive.

That sounds really good and is exactly what I’m worried about - that my son isn’t getting these opportunities!

And your son will have opportunities by being at home with you that the pp's child by being in nursery. But lets me clear. They're different. Not better or worse.

2 of my dc are on the G&T register and had no nursery until 3...

Oh I remember this guilt. Everyone raves about how great nursery is. I felt so guilty. But I wanted to be at home with them. My kids are now end of primary school and it honestly hasn’t harmed them at all. They went to playgroup a couple of hours in the morning, starting at age 2.5.

Before that age there really isn’t much benefit to being in nursery as they aren’t playing with other children. Certainly it may not harm them being in nursery, but there is absolute harm in them being at home with you.

I can’t say this without pissing people off, but op if you think about it - so many people have no choice but to put children in nursery that of course they will emphasise the good things about it. They may also feel judged by you choosing to do something different. Not saying everyone but I have seen this in action. Whatever people choose or need to do is all good - but there is plenty of evidence to support that keeping him with you for longer is helpful and not harmful, as you’re worrying.

It's important to see other parents and children but your son definitely does not need to go to nursery for that.
Playgroups are wonderful ...I used to go two mornings a week.
Children do best with 1:1 or 1: 2 or 1: 3 adult ratios at this age...ie family life.

Being at home all day seeing noone is the other end of the spectrum from nursery in lockdown but hopefully now you can do the middle range, without needing nursery.

Read book on child development..Penelope leach is good. My children loved seeing other children and new places at that age but nursery was best for them at nearer 3 years, and for their speech development too!!! Talking to your parent and interacting with them is best for language development, listening skills, not nursery

@unsure1111

Is he missing out by not going? Not at his age.

Do you think so? I’ve met so many mums who say their babies really love going and have such a good time there. I feel so worried that my son could be missing out. We go to one baby class a week now things are starting up again but I’m worried it’s not enough.

They're just making themselves feel better. The benefits come at 3 years plus

He's so much better with you and your undivided attention at this age. You can do lots of things together - reading, parks, shopping and most of all talking 1-1 that all contribute to his education.

He will need to socialise - but not yet. Leave that until later and enjoy your lovely baby.

God these threads always become so judgemental and presumptuous about people who DO send their children to nursery 🙄 I am absolutely not "making myself feel better".

Nursery children will miss out on things you do with your LO, and your LO might miss out on the things they do. It's the same either way

DD is 20months and is doing one day a week at nursery in a couple weeks time but it's mostly so I can get a break.