Feel so guilty that my child is not in nursery

[unsure1111]

I always wanted to wait until my son (currently 11 months) was 3 to put him into nursery, firstly because I want to spend as much time with him as possible and secondly because that’s when the 30 free hours kick in. But literally every mum I meet whose children go to nursery raves about how wonderful it is for their child, what a fantastic thing it is and how it’s been the making of their son or daughter.

I’m now feeling extremely guilty that my son isn’t getting these opportunities and am really worrying that he’s missing out.

In addition to wanting to keep him with me for two more years (selfish maybe?) we don’t have a lot of money and would struggle to afford the fees if we were to send him.

Is he missing out by not going and am I depriving him of some wonderful opportunities to meet other children, have fun and develop his social skills?

No @JungleIsMassive it fucking isn't. I interact with my DD constantly while we're together, which has been all day, every day, for a year. But she stopped talking over the last lockdown when we had to shield with my hyper anxious in-laws, and she couldn't go to childcare or any baby classes. She was happy in all other measurable ways but she just stopped talking. The speech therapist we spoke to was very clear that it was because of the lack of interaction with her peers and that she's seen this a lot when kids had been completely isolated.

Does every child react like that? Of course not. But sure enough, she's started talking again within weeks of being able to see other kids again.

I'm never going to say that every kid needs to be in a nursery but to blame the parents because their kids regressed over the last year is disgusting. The way your kids managed, when you had the luxury of parenting how you wanted and going out to see other people, has nothing to do with it.

@ChaosMoon

No *@JungleIsMassive* it fucking isn't. I interact with my DD constantly while we're together, which has been all day, every day, for a year. But she stopped talking over the last lockdown when we had to shield with my hyper anxious in-laws, and she couldn't go to childcare or any baby classes. She was happy in all other measurable ways but she just stopped talking. The speech therapist we spoke to was very clear that it was because of the lack of interaction with her peers and that she's seen this a lot when kids had been completely isolated.

Does every child react like that? Of course not. But sure enough, she's started talking again within weeks of being able to see other kids again.

I'm never going to say that every kid needs to be in a nursery but to blame the parents because their kids regressed over the last year is disgusting. The way your kids managed, when you had the luxury of parenting how you wanted and going out to see other people, has nothing to do with it.

I'm really glad your DD is happy and chatting again. It's awful having a child that doesn't speak. I had one myself. You've obviously done the right thing.

Women do get a lot of judgement and because of that we boast to make ourselves feel better. I know because I was one of them.

I don't think it matters to the child where they are as long as they are being cared for. I think after 3 maybe - they benefit from the social interactions - especially now with the pandemic.

But I really wouldn't worry about them - worry about yourself - do you want to be a sahm or would you rather be working? No one ever talks about the welfare of the mum, which ultimately transfers to the child.

I imagine you go to the local park, you could join some weekly baby groups, dancing, swimming, music class. You are saving so much money by not paying for nursery and have many opportunities to give your child the best time ever. Mummy is what they prefer anyway.
My daughter has just started nursery for 2 mornings at 2,4 years and I have to admit it is great though, because they do all the messy sensory play that I cannot be bothered setting up at home.
But trust me, your boy is not missing anything as long as you have at least some interaction with other kids elsewhere.

Some of you have said that children under 3 don’t play with others. I don’t find this true though. Mine has been interested in playing with other kids from 25 months. She would play in the play kitchen serving tea, building Lego together, holding their hand and walking together, chasing on the slides etc. I also though I will only send my kid to nursery from 3, but seeing that she does enjoy interacting with other kids we started earlier.

I don't think your child is necessarily missing out, I guess it depends on the kind of lifestyle they have and their personality etc. I would say at 1 my DD was doing a lot more than your DC if you only go to a playgroup once a week but I appreciate we aren't living in normal times still right now. At 1 my DD had been in nursery 3 days a week, went to a music group once a week with her DGM, went to a playgroup once a week with me, went to baby swimming once a week with her dad...then the weekends we would spend a lot of time in places that had other little ones in like parks, playgrounds, museums, libraries, soft play etc. I think my DD has and does benefit from nursery but it wasn't a choice for us anyway from a financial POV so I would say that wouldn't I! Also being honest I could never have been a SAHM, I struggled just with 9 months of mat leave so better to be apart some of the time so she gets the best of me than be with me all the time if that meant I wasn't at my best with her.

DD started at 11 months and she was fine. Last year she was at home for nearly 6 months due to lockdown closures and she was fine. Now she’s 3 it’s definitely better for her to be at nursery, but before that it really didn’t make a difference either way. It was good for her to be there so I could go back to work and she enjoyed it and formed strong bonds with her key person, but she’d have been perfectly fine at home with me or DH of either of us had wanted to be a SAHP.

But I really wouldn't worry about them - worry about yourself - do you want to be a sahm or would you rather be working? No one ever talks about the welfare of the mum, which ultimately transfers to the child.

This is a huge consideration and often overlooked.

Honestly at 11 months I don’t think it’s relevant, I think though from the age of two. When they learn to play with other kids, it’s beneficial to them. And as you rightly say it’s not all or nothing, they can do a morning or two a week at nursery and the rest of the time at home. It’s good variety for him.

I think though if you can start to do more with him as things open up, that would be a great way to socialise him. Baby groups, soft play, the park, baby swimming classes etc. And as he starts to walk, if not already, then you get little groups that play with balls and do different activities. Lots of stuff to do.

Sounds like mum guilt. And many of the mums who have to send their child to nursery will be worried about their child being at nursery instead of with them. There are positives and negatives in either scenario. Go to a class/playgroup with your child when coivd allows and that will give some balance.

Also when I felt rubbish about my young child being at nursery I would look at the positives to help me feel better about it. Possibly some of those excited about nursery are also doubting themselves at times.

Don’t patronise me. All of the under 3s now would have grown up with 2 years of Lockdown. It is real life. And the effects will be seen for years. We have 2-3 year olds coming into nursery who haven’t been around or even seen another adult other than their parents and that has never happened before.

Have the under 3s been in lockdown longer than everyone else? We didn't go into lockdown until just before my dad's birthday last March. That's 14 months ago. Not 2 years. And we haven't been in lockdown that entire time. (Although I think some areas were for longer than others)

@unsure1111 it sounds like classic "mum guilt" to me. You'll feel it whatever you do. FWIW I didn't send either of mine until they got the "pre-school funding". Mind you I don't think anything else existed at the time. Other than being able to claim TC help towards fees, or childcare vouchers via an employer.
We attended 1-2 baby/toddler groups per week. And did arts/crafts/jigsaws/singing/reading etc etc at home.
Both DC have always had above average speech. One knew his phonics and numbers by 2.5 and was spelling easy words by 3. One is very outgoing and always has been. One has always been very shy. Painfully so at times. So I conclude that nursery may or may not affect these things.
If it were me I would use the money I saved on nursery fees for days out and playgroups etc when they open again.

You don't need to put your child in. But I disagree with most posters. I don't think the benefits start at 3. I think they start about 2. Like thing5 listed.

And I Really resent the statement that people only do it to make themselves feel better.

Many of my friends have granddaughters who are two and three and they are absolutely thriving at nursery it does depend on their personality. And mums.

And how often they are there. Some parents prefer 2 1/2 hours every day.

I chose to do two days with a lunch. this worked perfectly for me. but that was just me, and this was to be fair 10-15 years ago!

I'm so old nursery funding for aged 2 wasn't even a thing.

We are very unusual amongst our friends that we didn't use nursery until 3.5 for DD. DS is currently 2 and we plan to do the same. I heard so much from friends about how their child was developing. Honestly I think it was just child development. My children also amaze me with things they learn. I'm talking about a range of skills like being a good friend, not just facts.

I would only send an under 2 to nursery if there are other reasons e.g. working, needing a break. I wouldn't do it for their benefit. At this age it is completely fine to spend your day walking to the postbox, getting them to 'help' with chores etc. My children were/are still like this at over 2, hence us deciding it was best for us to wait until 3 for nursery.

The main benefit of nursery for my 20 month old DD (other than allowing me to go to work) is so she can do all the messy play sensory stuff that I really don't want to. That's it.

I wouldn't worry too much just yet, 11 months is still young.

Can you check to see if you can get any help with childcare costs even just for one day??

www.childcarechoices.gov.uk

This might be helpful - sorry if someone has already posted

To be honest I am appalled by the idea of someone feeling guilty for looking after their own child! How mad is that?!

Please don't even go there.....there is no need whatsoever for a little one that young to be at nursery unless it is necessary for work reasons.

It is interesting how things change. Once upon a time a mother who put her child in a nursery was seen as not discharging her parental duty; and it has now come full circle. There must be a middle way surely.

The advantages of nursery are that children learn to get on with others - or at the very least deal with others. But this can be replicated in many ways, as I am sure you know, by taking opportunities for mixing.

The pressure for children to race through their milestones fuels the mindset that makes the OP feel guilty. OP, your child will love being at home with you - his life will be enriched by his closeness with you and with the security that brings him.

It is swings and roundabouts, but you should not feel guilty, any more than someone who chooses nursery should. Enjoy your little lad! YOouare not failing him in any way at all.

They’re just projecting. It helps them to deal with their decision, I doubt the children care.