Feel so guilty that my child is not in nursery

[unsure1111]

I always wanted to wait until my son (currently 11 months) was 3 to put him into nursery, firstly because I want to spend as much time with him as possible and secondly because that’s when the 30 free hours kick in. But literally every mum I meet whose children go to nursery raves about how wonderful it is for their child, what a fantastic thing it is and how it’s been the making of their son or daughter.

I’m now feeling extremely guilty that my son isn’t getting these opportunities and am really worrying that he’s missing out.

In addition to wanting to keep him with me for two more years (selfish maybe?) we don’t have a lot of money and would struggle to afford the fees if we were to send him.

Is he missing out by not going and am I depriving him of some wonderful opportunities to meet other children, have fun and develop his social skills?

Children don’t need anybody else in their lives until they are three years old, they don’t play with other children. My children went to nursery at 3 for the minimum 15 hours both are quite clever and have had no issues making friends they have a close attachment to me so are happy to be away from me without tears.

Do what you want to don’t let others sway you.

@aSofaNearYou

God these threads always become so judgemental and presumptuous about people who DO send their children to nursery 🙄 I am absolutely not "making myself feel better".

The parents who wax lyrical about the amazing benefits of nursery to a 1 year old are generally trying to make themselves feel better

Nursery children will miss out on things you do with your LO, and your LO might miss out on the things they do. It's the same either way

Unless they’re doing a couple days a week at nursery, which you could say is the best of both worlds!

In short: under 2 it really makes next to no difference.

From about age 2 he will really benefit from interaction with other small children. It isn't the same playing with adults all the time. Surely you can find more play groups to take him to? There are usually the coffee-morning meet-ups for a few quid, or sometimes in churches they are free. Or have a look locally for gym clubs, often they have a pay-as-you-go tumbletots-style session, so you aren't tied in to going every week. Alternatively maybe make a big effort to make friends with small kids (apps like Mush for example) and arrange to meet up at a park and then progress to play dates at home.

I do really think you want to try and get him to be interacting with other children, ideally a little but independent of you, at least three times a week when he is two. He will be more likely to behave as you hope him to if he has regular contact with other kids during the phases where he starts to learn to take turns, to share, not to snatch or hit, to be confident inviting other children to play a game with him, and know how to role play with other children.

My 18 month old has been at nursery for almost a year. There are negatives and positives of this but there's no point in me getting too hung up on the negatives as he needs to be looked after so we can work. Other parents with children in nursery will be the same.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way. Personally, my kids have gone to preschool from age 2. It's 2 and a half hours every day and I think it has been hugely beneficial. I'm not a messy person so don't enjoy messy play/paint etc at home. I don't enjoy doing arts and crafts. Preschool has given them opportunities that they wouldn't have got from me. Having said that, they would get the same at age 3 in nursery.
I sent my third to a childminder 2 mornings a week when she was 16 months old. She was 10 months old when we went into the first lockdown and by the summer, she had become a clingy baby ( to the point of crying if I spoke to someone in the street). With stay and plays all closed, I decided a childminder was the way to go for her to become more independent. She has absolutely thrived.
My point is that I wouldn't listen to other people think or do. It's a personal choice that is decided on personal reasons and circumstances.

The parents who wax lyrical about the amazing benefits of nursery to a 1 year old are generally trying to make themselves feel better

People aren't specifying that they are only talking about parents of babies.

Surely you can find more play groups to take him to?

@RainingZen are you saying now or from age 2 onwards?

Things are opening up so I’m sure there will be more I can go to.

Don’t feel guilty. Do what works for you and your family. I felt the same, my son has just started preschool, he is 2 and a half and I was the last one to send him to any form of child care out of friends and NCT etc.

He went to many classes before lockdown happened and I only really decided to send him now because of lockdown and feeling he had missed out on interaction with other children but at 2 and a half I felt he noticed that more than if he was your babies age.

He has settled in perfectly so I don’t think it’s been an issue sending him later than others.

The parents saying this probably send their baby to nursery so they can work. Not to socialise them and give the baby something to do.
I don't think many people would send a baby to nursery if they were at home.

3 year old love playing and socialising at nirsery/preschool. That's why 15 funded hours starts then. Because that when they need it. It's gets them ready for school

A baby needs love, warmth and food. They will get that from you.
Baby groups are great for interacting with other children and babies. And for parents to socialise. Go to a few groups a week. Go to the park. Meet other parents for a walk etc if you know any.

Basically it's all good. And you have nothing to worry about.

I've never heard of someone feeling guilty for not sending their baby to nursery.

Enjoy your time with them.

Like @Confusedaboutlots mine started at 10 months, I was worried about her not babbling or making much noise, but after a couple months and nursery she was coming home with a lot more sounds and can now at 16 months day a good few words(not excelling at speech by any means but loads better than she was). She’s also
Learned behaviours and seems generally happier, and more confident.

However, I work full time, so she’s there 5 days a week 8:30-5pm - do I think if I didn’t work she would be worse off at home with me? No, I would ensure that we go to baby/toddler clubs where she can interact with other children regularly.. plus what a nursery worker can teach my child.. I can do.

Nursery ain’t a black and white “a child is nursery is better than a child at home” - it depends very much on individual needs and motivation.

I’ve got to admit, I’m full of anxiety so it takes me a good deal of pep talk to get hauled out of the house and to the park, pool, for a walk ect. If I was more confident I’d be out and about more and therefore she would likely thrive more.

Nursery works for us, but that doesn’t mean it would necessarily work better for you too.

You make your child who they are essentially.

I really don't want to be the one who says it but personally it has really benefitted my DC (2yo now). The amount of things she has learnt and how much she socialises it would be impossible for me to teach her the things they teach her. It actually shocks me how much she has learnt from nursery. BUT it is expensive and I totally understand why it's not an option for some people. Could you maybe afford 1-2 mornings a week nursery? It would also give you a little break too and wouldn't cost too much

Isn’t.. not ain’t

I’d stop worrying. You sound like you are doing a good amount of things. There are usually so many good activities out there that you can add on as your dc develops. Enjoy your time together and with others I’d say.

@unsure1111

Our little one started at 15 months as we both work and yes it has really helped her developed different skills - social, language, other. She copied the other kids’ behaviour which has been positive.

That sounds really good and is exactly what I’m worried about - that my son isn’t getting these opportunities!

But is your DSs social skills, language skills etc lag behind his peers? DS never went to nursery as DM did the childminding when I went back to work. He's 8 now and definitely on a level with his classmates. Having a close relationship with a young child is the best set up for developing confidence and security. You are not keeping him in a bubble, so do what you and he are happiest with.

I don’t think it has to be nursery but personally I would try to do as many groups as possible for him.

You can't afford nursery, you're doing what groups you can, you're doing the best you can for your child. That is enough

@louisiannah

I really don't want to be the one who says it but personally it has really benefitted my DC (2yo now). The amount of things she has learnt and how much she socialises it would be impossible for me to teach her the things they teach her. It actually shocks me how much she has learnt from nursery. BUT it is expensive and I totally understand why it's not an option for some people. Could you maybe afford 1-2 mornings a week nursery? It would also give you a little break too and wouldn't cost too much

It's only benefited your child because you have said it's impossible to do those things yourself.

To OP:
If you can talk to your child. Do puzzles. Colour in pictures. Sing baa baa black sheep. Go for a walk and stick glitter on a piece of paper then your child will be OK at home with you.

Don't over think this. It's not unnatural for babies or young children to be looked after by their parents. It's perfectly normal and perfectly healthy and OK.

@unsure1111

I always wanted to wait until my son (currently 11 months) was 3 to put him into nursery, firstly because I want to spend as much time with him as possible and secondly because that’s when the 30 free hours kick in. But literally every mum I meet whose children go to nursery raves about how wonderful it is for their child, what a fantastic thing it is and how it’s been the making of their son or daughter.

I’m now feeling extremely guilty that my son isn’t getting these opportunities and am really worrying that he’s missing out.

In addition to wanting to keep him with me for two more years (selfish maybe?) we don’t have a lot of money and would struggle to afford the fees if we were to send him.

Is he missing out by not going and am I depriving him of some wonderful opportunities to meet other children, have fun and develop his social skills?

Before Lockdown I would have said no, but definitely I’ve noticed that kids who went to nursery regularly during Lockdown (no matter their age) are much more social and well adjusted compared to those who didn’t.

My DS is a year younger than several neices and nephews whose parents decided not to send them to nursery, and his speech, eating, and general skills are at the same level. They have regressed so much.

@24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed

Like *@Confusedaboutlots* mine started at 10 months, I was worried about her not babbling or making much noise, but after a couple months and nursery she was coming home with a lot more sounds and can now at 16 months day a good few words(not excelling at speech by any means but loads better than she was). She’s also Learned behaviours and seems generally happier, and more confident.

However, I work full time, so she’s there 5 days a week 8:30-5pm - do I think if I didn’t work she would be worse off at home with me? No, I would ensure that we go to baby/toddler clubs where she can interact with other children regularly.. plus what a nursery worker can teach my child.. I can do.

Nursery ain’t a black and white “a child is nursery is better than a child at home” - it depends very much on individual needs and motivation.

I’ve got to admit, I’m full of anxiety so it takes me a good deal of pep talk to get hauled out of the house and to the park, pool, for a walk ect. If I was more confident I’d be out and about more and therefore she would likely thrive more.

Nursery works for us, but that doesn’t mean it would necessarily work better for you too.

You make your child who they are essentially.

Yes this is true. But during Lockdown is when I think kids who went to Nursery benefited from social interaction. A lot of kids who didn’t seem to have regressed even with their parents working their hardest to engage them.

My DS is a year younger than several neices and nephews whose parents decided not to send them to nursery, and his speech, eating, and general skills are at the same level. They have regressed so much.

That's the parents fault for not actually engaging with their children. Not because they didn't go to nursery! None of mine went to preschool until the term after their 3rd birthday when the 15 hours funding came in. They were non less behind then any child that had gone since they were 6 months old.

@GameSetMatch

Children don’t need anybody else in their lives until they are three years old, they don’t play with other children. My children went to nursery at 3 for the minimum 15 hours both are quite clever and have had no issues making friends they have a close attachment to me so are happy to be away from me without tears.

Do what you want to don’t let others sway you.

With all due respect, this is highly child dependant.

My two started nursery - 3 days a week - from 12 months because we both work 4 days a week.

One of mine is really social and genuinely loved nursery from the start. The other, to be totally honest, would prefer to be at home but he is content at nursery too.

I think it does have benefits but I also think there are benefits to being at home with a parent up till 2.

It's often said on here that children have no interest in other children till the age of 3 - that is not my experience. Both of mine, especially my older one, definitely enjoyed being around other children a lot earlier than that (from 18 months, I would say) and my older one definitely had friends who he properly played with (not just parallel play) from 2/2.5.

What you're doing with him sounds for 11 months but it would benefit him to do more activities - free church playgroups or childrens centres or library sessions can be great if money is an issue, doesn't have to be expensive baby sensory type stuff, playgrounds, maybe membership at a local farm/zoo/museum etc. Once he's a little older, he will really benefit from that sort of thing.

@JungleIsMassive

My DS is a year younger than several neices and nephews whose parents decided not to send them to nursery, and his speech, eating, and general skills are at the same level. They have regressed so much.

That's the parents fault for not actually engaging with their children. Not because they didn't go to nursery! None of mine went to preschool until the term after their 3rd birthday when the 15 hours funding came in. They were non less behind then any child that had gone since they were 6 months old.

I was talking specifically about what happened During Lockdown when all the baby and toddler groups and avenues of social interaction for ‘at home’ kids were shut. I’m sure kids who stayed at home before Lockdown had it much easier.

@louisiannah

I really don't want to be the one who says it but personally it has really benefitted my DC (2yo now). The amount of things she has learnt and how much she socialises it would be impossible for me to teach her the things they teach her. It actually shocks me how much she has learnt from nursery. BUT it is expensive and I totally understand why it's not an option for some people. Could you maybe afford 1-2 mornings a week nursery? It would also give you a little break too and wouldn't cost too much

Agreed. Personally it has really benefitted my child going from aged 2 as well. Now two and a half, they know all their stage one phonics, plus counting, speech and drawing has come on in leaps and bounds. Lots of friendships and strong bonds with other children and adults. It couldn’t be replicated by a couple of stay and plays a week. Nursery do the EYFS curriculum which prepares them for reception.

I do think that nursery before aged 2 is just childcare, though. Albeit childcare that will help your child be well socialised.