Feel so guilty that my child is not in nursery

[unsure1111]

I always wanted to wait until my son (currently 11 months) was 3 to put him into nursery, firstly because I want to spend as much time with him as possible and secondly because that’s when the 30 free hours kick in. But literally every mum I meet whose children go to nursery raves about how wonderful it is for their child, what a fantastic thing it is and how it’s been the making of their son or daughter.

I’m now feeling extremely guilty that my son isn’t getting these opportunities and am really worrying that he’s missing out.

In addition to wanting to keep him with me for two more years (selfish maybe?) we don’t have a lot of money and would struggle to afford the fees if we were to send him.

Is he missing out by not going and am I depriving him of some wonderful opportunities to meet other children, have fun and develop his social skills?

Kids don’t need other kids until about age 3. That’s why free nursery kicks in at that age. Before that they don’t play together, they just play in parallel, side by side but not really interacting. I took time off to raise my own DC till age 3 and it’s the best thing I ever did.

@Aprilwasverywet

A nursery teacher once told me under 5 you are their best teacher... My dc were all 3 before they went.. Until then I wanted to be the one who spent the best /most time with them!! My 6yo still remembers our trips to cafes and parks and other quite mundane occasions as being great fun!! Why would you not recognise you waited 9 months for your dc to get here - savour every day you can!!

I’m a Nursery teacher and to an extent agree with this but it depends so much on the parents themselves. I know of many parents who don’t talk loads to their children, don’t work on basic social skills etc because they don’t see it as their job. These aren’t even children from ‘difficult’ backgrounds, quite often it’s parents you really wouldn’t expect it from.

OP, my children went to Nursery at one and a half and if I could have kept them at home with me I would have. But then I talk to them lots, go out to groups etc, some parents really struggle with looking after young children.

Do what's best for you. We couldn't afford nursery until my twins were 3. They love it now but before now they were napping , wanting cuddles etc. And I wanted cuddles etc too. We are all ready now and it's wonderful. They've developed loads.

Some interesting comments here. My DD went to nursery at 6 months and I went back to work full time. I hated that I wasn't with her all day and the only thing that stopped that guilt was the fact that she was doing and learning things at the nursery that I wouldn't know to do at home with her. This made me feel a lot better but would never take away the guilt of leaving her there in the first place. So, I told everyone how happy I was that she was at nursery and how she loved it and it was amazing for her because a lot of my friends and family made it clear I shouldn't go to work and I wanted to preempt the shit they were going to give me.

You've made this decision and it works for you. Don't let others change how you feel because as long as you do stuff together, your DC will have a great time and you will never get that time back.

@aSofaNearYou

God these threads always become so judgemental and presumptuous about people who DO send their children to nursery 🙄 I am absolutely not "making myself feel better".

I agree, my daughter started at 9m old, i could have taken longer mat leave but didn't want to, nor did i want to be doing baby groups. She genuinely loved nursery, we got so many photos etc of her laughing and playing, she formed bonds with other children around 15m old who she's still friends with aged 4 despite lockdowns and going to separate schools. Due to our dislikes she got a more varied menu at nursery. OP if you don't want to send your son that's fine, it's your choice and he will be fine. I would use pre school though as they start basic learning then

@GameSetMatch

Children don’t need anybody else in their lives until they are three years old, they don’t play with other children. My children went to nursery at 3 for the minimum 15 hours both are quite clever and have had no issues making friends they have a close attachment to me so are happy to be away from me without tears.

Do what you want to don’t let others sway you.

This is a bonkers comment.

My child can reel off a great long list of friends (who we’ve never met!) and adults at nursery who she loves playing with, or did x or y with. Like 10-15 different names. “I did drawing with Simon; today I want to sing songs with Jane; Martha is my best friend” etc. And has done since she was just turned two. These relationships mean a lot to her (as well as the friends/cousins she has outside of nursery). If we’d not bothered with other children until she turns 3 then she’d be a completely different child. I’ve never met a young toddler who doesn’t like playing with other children.

Your DS isn't missing out on anything at 11 months so don't panic!

My DC is 3 and I think nursery has been hugely beneficial for him during lockdown. He goes 2/3 days a week and it's been our saviour. But that's compared against a disastrous 2 months last year of having to wfh and do childcare at the same time...we ended up with a wired, stressed toddler who couldn't cope with being ignored all day and when he went back I wept for joy in front of the nursery staff. Your situation isn't comparable to that... you can engage your DC, take him out of the house, toddler groups are opening up again.

That said, I think reception teachers find that the transition to school is easier for children who at 2/3 have spent some time in a nursery/pre-school setting (although it all evens out very quickly). So maybe consider a couple of weekly sessions when the free hours kick in.

@Donitta

Kids don’t need other kids until about age 3. That’s why free nursery kicks in at that age. Before that they don’t play together, they just play in parallel, side by side but not really interacting. I took time off to raise my own DC till age 3 and it’s the best thing I ever did.

They might not play with them, but it doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy activities alongside them.

Ds is five months and his face lights up when he sees other babies.

This does not have to be nursery, we go to a lot of groups, but I do think some socialisation is important.

My little one started nursery at 10 month so I could return to work.
He was always happy to go in but also not bothered about going.

He didn't go for a while during the first lockdown when he was 2 - didn't seem to miss going , enjoyed his time at home.

Now he's moved into the preschool room at 3, he loves it, talks about going all the time. He speaks about other children he likes to play with and what he wants to do there.

This morning we had to keep him off as he has a bad cough and he was very upset he wasn't going to get to play football with his friends.

Going once your little one is 3 will be fine plenty of time to develop social skills before school

@Donitta

Kids don’t need other kids until about age 3. That’s why free nursery kicks in at that age. Before that they don’t play together, they just play in parallel, side by side but not really interacting. I took time off to raise my own DC till age 3 and it’s the best thing I ever did.

I think this is definitely true when they are 1-2 but my DD is under 3 and has been making friends for a while now.

@Donitta

Kids don’t need other kids until about age 3. That’s why free nursery kicks in at that age. Before that they don’t play together, they just play in parallel, side by side but not really interacting. I took time off to raise my own DC till age 3 and it’s the best thing I ever did.

I am a nursery assistant and this isn’t true at all. Every child is different and some will play with other babies from a very young age.

The truth is most children under 3 learn to interact with each other (sharing, navigating each other, learning from each other) when they have the opportunity, even if they aren’t necessarily playing. For example in the baby room I work in we had several picky eaters (6-13 months) who transformed within a week just by sitting and watching other babies eat at meal times. They’re apparently still picky at home but eat everything happily at nursery.

Some babies, including my son, have even learned how to nap independantly by watching other babies do it.

So yes by all means take time off to look after your own kids if you want; but lets not pretend there isn’t any benefit to nursery. The benefits are huge, especially where home life is chaotic or parents can’t spend 1-2-1 time with their children (often because of other children or caring responsibilities).

@Ozanj But you can't compare lockdown babies to normal life!

Now we can go to soft play, beaches, activities, parties, meet other children for picnics in the park, and do 101 other activities. We are not expected to stay in the home with one walk a day.

You need to think things through before posting.

Personally I couldn't bring myself to put my DD into nursery when she was 12 months. Instead she went to a childminder. She started nursery when she was 2. She is an incredibly social child which I suspect is down to the fact she is around other kids all the time and has been from an early age but she would have got similar levels of interaction with other kids at playclubs / stay and plays etc.

My DC has been in nursery 3 days per week from about 11 months.
I spend half my life feeling guilty about sending her!

You can’t win

@123feraverto

My little one started nursery at 10 month so I could return to work. He was always happy to go in but also not bothered about going.

He didn't go for a while during the first lockdown when he was 2 - didn't seem to miss going , enjoyed his time at home.

Now he's moved into the preschool room at 3, he loves it, talks about going all the time. He speaks about other children he likes to play with and what he wants to do there.

This morning we had to keep him off as he has a bad cough and he was very upset he wasn't going to get to play football with his friends.

Going once your little one is 3 will be fine plenty of time to develop social skills before school

I think 3 is late. My niece didn't start nursery until she was 2.5yo and has really struggled with interacting with other kids.

@Donitta

Kids don’t need other kids until about age 3. That’s why free nursery kicks in at that age. Before that they don’t play together, they just play in parallel, side by side but not really interacting. I took time off to raise my own DC till age 3 and it’s the best thing I ever did.

I never knew people had this view Kids don’t play together until aged 3? 3 is so old.

Does anyone with a 1.5-2 year old who regularly spends time with children their age actually agree with this? Or is it just parents who’s toddlers don’t regularly see other children who think this.

At 2.5 my child is purposefully initiating and playing structured games - like hide and seek, or tag - with other children her age. When she was younger she would still do more than just play alongside - like collaborate on a sandcastle, or roll a ball with another child.

Fair enough if you don’t want to send your child to nursery until 3, but don’t make stuff up.

[quote tentosix]@Ozanj But you can't compare lockdown babies to normal life!

Now we can go to soft play, beaches, activities, parties, meet other children for picnics in the park, and do 101 other activities. We are not expected to stay in the home with one walk a day.

You need to think things through before posting. [/quote]
Don’t patronise me. All of the under 3s now would have grown up with 2 years of Lockdown. It is real life. And the effects will be seen for years. We have 2-3 year olds coming into nursery who haven’t been around or even seen another adult other than their parents and that has never happened before.

I was a SAHM for both mine. Neither went to nursery. DS went to pre-school a couple of mornings a week from 3 before starting at the school nursery (mornings only) just before he was 4. DD was a late birthday so didn't do anything until school nursery just after her 3rd birthday.

But we did several baby/toddler groups each week as well as more structured sessions - music, dance, gym. I took them to the library, walks, parks etc. WE did loads of craft at home. I read to them and talked to them.

Both were very early talkers and were speaking in full sentences at around 18 months. DD was reading fluently within 6 weeks of starting school. They both had lots of friends and adapted to school well. They have both had brilliant GSCEs results. I really don't think going to nursery would have resulted in any better outcome for either of them.

I feel so similar! I have managed to find a job which is amazingly flexible and allows me a lot of time at home with my 6 month old and means we don't need to use childcare...but am now getting worried she will be missing out on those opportunities provided by nursery.
Similarly it would be tougher financially if we used a nursery, so we will be waiting for the free hours when she is older.
I am going for walks every day outside, doing my best to engage and play (maybe 1 days a week we have a 'disney day' where she has a film on in the background). We have 1 baby group a week (all the others are fully booked locally,!) And will be trying to meet up with other mums as restrictions lift and more things open.
Just decided to add it to the growing list of things to feel guilty about in life! 🤣
Just wanted you to know you are not alone with this one ☺️

If you qualify for 30 hrs when he turns 3, will you also qualify for 15hrs when he turns 2? That might be a nice compromise.

The research I read (may not be the most current), suggested that toddlers over 2 benefit from nursery at a population level, ie taking into account parents who may struggle either through economic hardship, mental health issues, learning disabilities, English as a second language etc. to meet their children's needs in particular areas. But there is little individual benefit for young children who can be exposed to a wealth of experiences and peers, through their primary caregiver. Nor are there any disadvantages for children that attend nursery at a young age, instead of being at home.

Enjoy the time at home, and put them in nursery when it feels right and isn't too much of a financial sacrifice

So yes by all means take time off to look after your own kids if you want; but lets not pretend there isn’t any benefit to nursery. The benefits are huge, especially where home life is chaotic or parents can’t spend 1-2-1 time with their children (often because of other children or caring responsibilities).

My children have never been to nursery so I didn't realise they get 1-2-1 the whole day. Each child has their own nursery worker? 20 children and 20 nursery workers? No wonder it's so expensive!

You child isn't missing out until 3 - it's well researched. Being with a primary carer is best as you are able to give them lots of 1-1 attention, direct speech etc they don't really play with other kids till 2.5/3 just parallel (this isn't made up either it's basic child development). Babies will copy others but that is not the same thing.
Children aren't sociable/unsociable because they did or didn't go to nursery, it's just their personailty. An extrovert child would still want to chat to everyone they met if they suddenly got the chance and an introvert child would still appreciate a quiet space and doing their own thing in a nursery.

The first result when you google “research toddler benefit nursery” - a study looking at children who go to childcare from aged 2 vs not:

“The researchers saw beneficial outcomes for children associated with higher amounts of childcare for both advantaged and disadvantaged children. This suggests that regardless of a child’s household income, childcare benefits their development.”

And for the people saying children don’t play with other children until three. The first google result when you search “when do toddlers start playing with children research”:

“...when children are in the company of a familiar peer, they can cooperate in play through games like peek-a-boo or running and chasing after one another as early as 18 months (Brenner & Mueller, 1982).”

To clarify, I’m not saying that keeping your children with a SAH parent until 3 is a bad thing. It’s individual choice. But a lot of “facts” being spouted that aren’t true.

Yes children under 3 absolutely play together, and yes children as young as 2 derive a demonstrable benefit from being in childcare. That doesn’t mean the children who don’t go to nursery won’t catch up very quickly once they start reception. I imagine the long-term data looking at primary-aged children shows no discernible difference.

But it’s just rude and not true to say that working parents are just “making themselves feel better” when they say their 2-yo or 18-mo has had developed at nursery in ways they couldn’t have at home.

My son isn't in nursery and he is 2 now. I don't think it would have benefitted him at 11 months or even 1 year old.

I do think it is useful for them to see other children (and people generally)- but there are ways to do that other than nursery (also cheaper ways...). We go to our local playpark a lot and now know some other families. Now things are opening up you should have options-for example baby and toddler groups, or just meet up with another mum.

Now my son is 2 I've found a couple of local drop off playgroups that are just for a couple of hours in the morning that he is on the waiting list for. They are much cheaper than a nursery and I think a whole day would be too much for him (I'm lucky not to need it)