Feel so guilty that my child is not in nursery

[unsure1111]

I always wanted to wait until my son (currently 11 months) was 3 to put him into nursery, firstly because I want to spend as much time with him as possible and secondly because that’s when the 30 free hours kick in. But literally every mum I meet whose children go to nursery raves about how wonderful it is for their child, what a fantastic thing it is and how it’s been the making of their son or daughter.

I’m now feeling extremely guilty that my son isn’t getting these opportunities and am really worrying that he’s missing out.

In addition to wanting to keep him with me for two more years (selfish maybe?) we don’t have a lot of money and would struggle to afford the fees if we were to send him.

Is he missing out by not going and am I depriving him of some wonderful opportunities to meet other children, have fun and develop his social skills?

@Lavender201

The first result when you google “research toddler benefit nursery” - a study looking at children who go to childcare from aged 2 vs not:

“The researchers saw beneficial outcomes for children associated with higher amounts of childcare for both advantaged and disadvantaged children. This suggests that regardless of a child’s household income, childcare benefits their development.”

And for the people saying children don’t play with other children until three. The first google result when you search “when do toddlers start playing with children research”:

“...when children are in the company of a familiar peer, they can cooperate in play through games like peek-a-boo or running and chasing after one another as early as 18 months (Brenner & Mueller, 1982).”

I have sometimes wondered this point of view about under 3s not playing together comes from SAHMs because my experience is that my kids played together really young with children from nursery but not really with children from playgroups.

Which makes sense - children at playgroups often change week to week, you only see them once a week for a couple of hours, and your child is with their parent. So maybe some people genuinely don't realise that under 3s can interact with other toddlers because they just haven't seen it.

I do think that nursery is very different from stay and plays, I did both as I work part time. At nursery, the children are socialising independently of their parents.

Ah OP. Mothers guilt: you feel guilty when you send them to nursery and guilty when you don't

Try not to worry: I'm sure he is fine to wait until she's 3 and you are doing a great job

I think this is just turning into another thread where everyone gets het up about their choices and wants to prove that they are a good parent.

At the end of the day, most children turn out well whether they went to nursery at young age or when they turned 3.

Its trauma that turns children into incapable or mentally unwell adults.

I think it's safe to say everyone on this thread loves their children and are doing their best. No trauma involved and all our children will turn into lovely adults.
Who will all probably have children and face the same guilt and negative feeling we have now!!

And the cycle continues until human die out

@kirinm

Just curious as to how a childminder is diff to nursery?

@aSofaNearYou

God these threads always become so judgemental and presumptuous about people who DO send their children to nursery 🙄 I am absolutely not "making myself feel better".

Yup, so predictable.

OP: just do whatever feels right for you.

[quote Tiffanny]@kirinm

Just curious as to how a childminder is diff to nursery? [/quote]
It is a much smaller setting. My DD sees her childminder as a sort of extended family member. There's zero turnover of staff.

Choosing a childminder over a nursery was probably helped by the fact the baby rooms I saw at nurseries seemed like such horrible dull rooms. I knew my childminder would take my daughter out every day.

Personal choice but I am glad we made the decision we did.

Do you have a language rich environment, op? Do you chat with him and sing to him and engage him in interesting things throughout the day and do you provide situations where he can play with other children occassionally? Because that's the learning platform that children are primed for and they don't need to be "brought along" in how to follow the rules in a structured environment built for many children at 18 months so the first few weeks of school are easier when they are 4yrs old.

OP, do whatever you feel best. Parents of children who put their children in nursery younger will say it’s for the best. Parents who didn’t will claim that “science” shows that it has no impact until age [insert whatever age they put their child in here].

I put my child into nursery at 9 months, and as you would expect, I feel that she has definitely benefited from being there in terms of learning, playing with (yes, with - not next to) other children, independence etc but if I’d chosen to stay at home with her for longer, I would have made sure to find those opportunities elsewhere eg play dates (now they are allowed again), baby and toddler groups etc.

The fact that you’re worrying about this suggests your baby will be fine either way, as you clearly care about their development x

Lots of toddler groups in churches have started up again here, for £1.50 for 2 hours. I would go to as many as these as you want and see if little one enjoys them. I found the older they were the harder to settle into a nursery so my youngest started 2 mornings a week at 10 months and settled so quickly. My eldest started at 2 and took 8 months to settle.

Hi OP, I met someone with a similar aged child on mush and it's been great. When we've been allowed we've done play dates at each other's houses and been to the park together. We've even socialised with our husbands coming along as well. I found it a great way for my child to have some interaction with another child when there weren't many play groups on and I've also made a lifelong friend, we speak every day and see each other once or twice a week.

Panic not! There is no race to develop skills. Spending time with you, doing things together etc. will give him an excellent grounding in terms of his emotional health; and you will enjoy him for longer!

Little children catch up on these skills very easily, as long as you have provided a rich and loving environment for him at home.

I am sure you will be taking him out to places where there are other children around: playgrounds, swimming etc. when he is ready.

My first 2 were not in nursery at all, although they did go (with me) to a playgroup in the village once a week. Believe me it has not held them back at all!

Do not let yourself be guilted into anything - many parents have no choice but to send their children to nursery because of the need to work.....but that does not mean it is a necessity for the child.

Women get a lot of judgement whatever their parenting decisions.

Those of us who use childcare when we don't have to (I'm a SAHP) get lots of it. We must be heartless terrible mothers because we let other look after our kids.

A lot of the 'my kids get so much out of nursery' talk is reassuring themselves that they've made the right choice. Whether that is using childcare while they don't work or using while they do.

I think preschool is great and when he's old enough I'd look for that.

Before that .... yeah they like it, and they do do things I can't be bothered to do (like messy play) but I don't think it's a requirement.

No chance I’d even consider it until at least 2 unless I needed it for childcare.

Every child is different. Nursery will suit some more than others. Guilt and judgment is part of parenting these days, so just ignore everyone else and do what is best for your family.

My DS started at nursery at 15 months. He goes 2 days a week. He has come on loads. I was quite worried about his development beforehand but since starting nursery his speech has come on massively. Nursery has been the best thing FOR HIM (and no I'm not just saying that "to make myself feel better").

Does that mean that your son is suffering because he doesn't go to nursery? No of course not. If you would rather keep him at home with you, then go for it. Just make sure he gets to mix with other children occasionally so he can develop his social skills.

I didn't put my children in nursery until they were 2.5. They went to a nursery school rather than a day nursery, where the sessions were short (3 hrs). Most children there were toddlers of stay at home parents who had only just started nursery at this age.
I was fortunate in that we didn't need childcare as I worked part-time, DH was allowed to work 4 long days and my DMum and MIL shared the other day.
I sent my children to nursery to socialise and get experiences that I didn't offer at home like messy play. They didn't need it before this.

@sylbunny

Just one thing you need to consider. It sounds like your a stay at home mum? You'll need to check if your eligible for the 30hrs as I think it's 15hrs if only 1 of you works

But equally 15 hours is plenty at age 3 if not needed for childcare. That's a morning session 5 days a week.

I’m pretty confident I have made the right choice actually twiz

Ideally I’d like to be part time so ds attends three days a week but that’s not what’s going to happen.

I didn’t want him doing school runs so didn’t opt for a childminder.

I am conscious I could talk to him more than I do, but I feel self conscious as OH is WFH.

Mine went from 9 months as I needed childcare. I honestly don't think it benefitted (or hindered) him for the first year or two, it was more care based from the staff at an individual child level but from the age of 2.5ish it started to really benefit him with interacting with other children.

How’s his development? I sent my twins just after they turned 2 but they are both autistic - I do think it helped them a lot (and helped me to be honest, I needed the respite). None of my friends twins needed nursery, they were all developing well and very sociable.

My child won't be going to pre school until she is 4. She interacts with other kids quite often, parks, play dates with family with similar aged kids, play centres etc.. she's fine. Unless you're just sitting at home everyday with no kid interaction then I don't see an issue.

Be wary of those that wax lyrical about how nursery brought on their baby's speech or got them walking / running more confidently.
These are normal milestones at this age and development is rapid. The chances are these babies would have made the same - or greater - progress at home (unless their parent or carer plops them in front of a screen all day while they go on their phone )

I wonder if dad's think like this....

I got made redundant on mat leave so became an accidental SAHP - it was fine, I used to do 3-4 groups/classes a week plus playdates, playground trips and see family. By about 2yo though it was clear I wasn't enough, she'd be noticiably gutted if there were no other kids on the playground, then with the pandemic it just got harder so we cut our cloth accordingly and she goes to nursery 2 days a week now. They do so many activities and things tbh, I don't want to do like messy play! She came back telling me all about Ramadan last month.

We've had another baby since so I get all my dull jobs done on nursery days with baby in tow and the days I do have with her are more entertaining!

I'm worried as he's not that confident in social situations - I'm sure nursery would help that and feel sad that we can't really afford to send him.

@Twizbe

Women get a lot of judgement whatever their parenting decisions.

Those of us who use childcare when we don't have to (I'm a SAHP) get lots of it. We must be heartless terrible mothers because we let other look after our kids.

A lot of the 'my kids get so much out of nursery' talk is reassuring themselves that they've made the right choice. Whether that is using childcare while they don't work or using while they do.

I think preschool is great and when he's old enough I'd look for that.

Before that .... yeah they like it, and they do do things I can't be bothered to do (like messy play) but I don't think it's a requirement.

I 100% agree with all of this.

My DS is 14mo and goes to nursery because he has to as I work. I wouldnt ever say he's benefitted from it as much as some make out theirs do, but he defo enjoys it. Agree with the stuff about nursery doing activities that I dont do - water play etc.

So, meh, let others rabbit on about much their kids benefit from nursery, but just take it with a pinch of salt.

@unsure1111

I'm worried as he's not that confident in social situations - I'm sure nursery would help that and feel sad that we can't really afford to send him.

He's still a baby. His confidence will develop. Taking him out and meet up with other children (both his age and older ones such as nieces / nephews / neighbours' children). Take him to the library, soft play, the park, swimming etc.