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Original poster

Ex is covid testing our primary age kids in a car park on every pick up

161 replies

DKmamma · 26/04/2021 12:54

A bit of background: My ex husband's new wife is extremely controlling, coercive and bullying towards him. The ex and I aren't the best of friends, but I do feel very sorry for him and still care about him as my kids' dad. Sounds pathetic, I know, but it is obviously an abusive relationship. He's a broken man.

Terrible situation, but one that he has chosen nonetheless, and whilst it has affected me financially (she insisted he override his consent order with the basic CMS amount) and has severely damaged my co-parenting relationship with their dad (she won't even let him speak to me), until now this wasn't particularly affecting my kids who, so far, she has been perfectly lovely to. It's something I'm keeping a very close eye on.

But the latest crazy thing they're doing IS affecting my kids, so I want to know if I have any power to stop it, legally....

He's moved 45 mins away from their school and picks them up every Wednesday and every other Friday. For the last 3 pickups he's driven them round the corner from school and parked up in a Co-op carpark where he's made them take a lateral flow test for Covid. They are 7 and 9 and the government aren't currently recommending testing on primary age kids, but this is obviously a condition of them being allowed back to his home.

I know this isn't harming them physically, but I worry about the psychological impact: My kids can go to cricket, ballet, brownies and school without being tested but they can't go to their dad and step mum's (neither of whom are shielding or vulnerable) without proving they haven't got Covid. Also: In a car-park??!! Confused ....it's like they're dirty little street rats or something Sad

My opinion is that it's physically uncomfortable for the kids, unpleasant and sends out a harmful message about their status in their dad's household. I've told him it's against my wishes and against government advice and have asked him to stop, but he's carrying on doing it Angry

Is there anything I can do??? Even if this particular issue isn't the end of the world, I kinda want to flex a bit of muscle here to show them they're answerable to me when it comes to the kids and that whilst their own life is utterly crazy they can't just do any old irrational thing with my kids.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersandhail · 26/04/2021 12:57

I thought both parents had to agree to medical decisions when they both have PR?

BendingSpoons · 26/04/2021 13:06

I think you can quite easily explain this to your children. Going to people's houses is still mostly illegal due to increased risk. Obviously they are allowed to go to their father's, but it is different to Brownies etc and I think they would accept that. We chose to test our young DC before seeing an older family member. And when I had to do a PCR test on DC it was in the back of a car in the carpark.

I do understand your concern about the wider situation though. If they test positive, will he bring them back home?

What do your children think about it?

Theunamedcat · 26/04/2021 13:09

What is his plan if they test positive? He has been in contact with them he would still need to isolate

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user1471462428 · 26/04/2021 13:15

Yes what is his plan if they are positive? Leave them behind the coop?

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 13:50

If they test positive I presume he'd have to bring them home to me (hence performing the tests close to school and my home). I don't know what he'd do with himself?! The whole thing is irrational.

I understand the point that home visits are much higher risk, but with shared custody that is supposed to be their home too. I suspect this is more about her indulging in her penchant for control rather than any justifiable concern about the virus.

OP posts:
Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 13:51

@Aprilshowersandhail

I thought both parents had to agree to medical decisions when they both have PR?
That's interesting - a potential legal hold there. Thanks.
OP posts:
Chewbecca · 26/04/2021 13:55

I don’t know if it’s that bad, it seems kind of sensible to me. Perhaps that comes from a position as a parent of a secondary DC who tests twice weekly and it feels normal now. Sometimes he does it a little earlier or later if he’s going to encounter people, e.g. we make sure his test is freshly done before he has a driving lesson - it almost feels polite to do so.

SoupDragon · 26/04/2021 13:57

I don't think I would have a problem with this TBH.

Atalantea · 26/04/2021 13:58

@Aprilshowersandhail

I thought both parents had to agree to medical decisions when they both have PR?
really - how would that work if i was to take my child to the drs, and they prescribe say antibiotics, i can agree without my DH?!

This is UK
What happens when people with parental responsibility disagree?
Generally, the law only requires doctors to have consent
from one person in order lawfully to provide treatment.

www.bma.org.uk/media/1840/bma-parental-responsibility-oct-2008.pdf

helpmemakeit · 26/04/2021 13:59

Your ex is a twat.

helpmemakeit · 26/04/2021 14:01

Sorry pressed send too soon. He's a twat for going along with this to your children's detriment and not standing up for them. What a spineless way to behave. I would be aghast at this - and wouldn't want my children spending time with the new wife either.

TinaTurnoff · 26/04/2021 14:04

How would he react if he had to present a negative lateral flow test to you before you permitted the children to go with him?

This seems to me extremely onerous on the children. Is his wife particularly vulnerable? Have they both been vaccinated? Poor kids.

coachmylife · 26/04/2021 14:08

Surely if they test positive, they should go home with him, as it's happened in his time with them. He's their dad after all. And both you and he would have to self-isolate for 10 days.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/04/2021 14:11

Even if this particular issue isn't the end of the world, I kinda want to flex a bit of muscle here to show them they're answerable to me when it comes to the kids

Except they're not. They're his kids as much as they're yours.

Doing the test in the car in the carpark does not mean they're being treat like little rats FGS. Dial down on the drama.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 14:17

I understand that point of view and agree that you're doing the right thing there, but the difference is that you are following the national guidelines. There's a big difference between that and just doing your own thing in contradiction to the rest of the uk, as they are. No other primary age kids are being tested, only mine.

My kids aren't seeing anyone elderly or otherwise vulnerable: just their other set of parents who they've been seeing throughout lockdown.

I agree it's not "that bad", but I don't personally consider it sensible or necessary to test them ....and amidst the background of his and his wife's horrible, strange home life I'm just keen to nip anything 'irregular' in the bud when it comes to the kids.

So wondered if I could flex some legal muscle Hmm

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 26/04/2021 14:20

I don't think I'd have a massive issue with the testing TBH but the car park would probably piss me off.

Just because the government haven't said they have to be tested (it's not really against advice, it's just they've said they don't need it) doesn't mean that they can't be. It kind of seems sensible in a split household situation when others are at risk (of which I am in).

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/04/2021 14:20

You don't consider it nessecary, but he clearly does.

Your wishes don't override his here, and there could be any number of things going on that you are unaware of due to not having a good relationship with him.

It won't harm them and you are being a bit dramatic IMHO.

CornishGem1975 · 26/04/2021 14:22

And as someone else has said - why are your ex and his partner "answerable to you" they absolutely are not if he has PR.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 14:23

@TinaTurnoff

How would he react if he had to present a negative lateral flow test to you before you permitted the children to go with him?

This seems to me extremely onerous on the children. Is his wife particularly vulnerable? Have they both been vaccinated? Poor kids.

They haven't been vaccinated yet, but they aren't vulnerable or shielding. They've been seeing the kids throughout the pandemic. I really think this is just another stick for her to beat him with, but one which is affecting the kids :-(
OP posts:
SquishySquirmy · 26/04/2021 14:24

Dunno if this is the right tact to take... probably not. But I'd be tempted to insist that ex and his wife both got tested before every pick up.
They could drive to you and do it in front of you. Or provide some other proof at their inconvenience.
After all, why shouldn't they be tested? Why is it just the kids who are subjected to it?
They could also pass it on to your dc just as easily as your dc can pass it to them!

itsgettingwierd · 26/04/2021 14:26

@DKmamma

If they test positive I presume he'd have to bring them home to me (hence performing the tests close to school and my home). I don't know what he'd do with himself?! The whole thing is irrational.

I understand the point that home visits are much higher risk, but with shared custody that is supposed to be their home too. I suspect this is more about her indulging in her penchant for control rather than any justifiable concern about the virus.

And what is he going to do if they test positive?

He can return them to you - but if covid is t allowed in his home he's will be a contact - so where is he isolating?

Also get back onto CMS. He has to pay the minimum.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 14:28

@CornishGem1975

And as someone else has said - why are your ex and his partner "answerable to you" they absolutely are not if he has PR.
Of course he has parental responsibility. I'm just wanting to protect my children. I have to keep a keen eye because they are both unhinged at the moment. It's a very unpleasant situation and I would hope that they can't just do any old thing if it's detrimental to the children, just as I couldn't, because there is another parental party's opinions to consider.
OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 26/04/2021 14:35

But they're still not answerable to you. Unfortunately, whether you like it or not - what he does with them on his time it's his concern, and he doesn't have to consider your opinions either - and I say that as someone who is divorced with children.

The only difference is if there is a safeguarding issue - and I don't think a COVID test comes under that. You say they are 'unhinged' so if that's the case, this is more about COVID testing - if they're unhinged I wouldn't want my children around them unsupervised. Take it to the courts? That's about the only way you can control things.

TheQueef · 26/04/2021 14:38

I get why you are irritated but I can't think of anything you could do apart from let it reach a natural conclusion (obviously hoping the kids never catch covid)
Would he book a hotel or try to return the DC to you?

Trixie78 · 26/04/2021 14:39

Tbh you sound like hard work I kind of feel sorry for your ex. You don't know their situation and they may have perfectly valid reasons for doing a test. I can't see an issue with it. You're projecting here, your description of them being treated like dirty rats I think says a lot about your perceptions of your ex and his partners views. You don't actually know what is sitting behind this decision and it's not really any of your business, they're with their dad.