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Original poster

Ex is covid testing our primary age kids in a car park on every pick up

161 replies

DKmamma · 26/04/2021 12:54

A bit of background: My ex husband's new wife is extremely controlling, coercive and bullying towards him. The ex and I aren't the best of friends, but I do feel very sorry for him and still care about him as my kids' dad. Sounds pathetic, I know, but it is obviously an abusive relationship. He's a broken man.

Terrible situation, but one that he has chosen nonetheless, and whilst it has affected me financially (she insisted he override his consent order with the basic CMS amount) and has severely damaged my co-parenting relationship with their dad (she won't even let him speak to me), until now this wasn't particularly affecting my kids who, so far, she has been perfectly lovely to. It's something I'm keeping a very close eye on.

But the latest crazy thing they're doing IS affecting my kids, so I want to know if I have any power to stop it, legally....

He's moved 45 mins away from their school and picks them up every Wednesday and every other Friday. For the last 3 pickups he's driven them round the corner from school and parked up in a Co-op carpark where he's made them take a lateral flow test for Covid. They are 7 and 9 and the government aren't currently recommending testing on primary age kids, but this is obviously a condition of them being allowed back to his home.

I know this isn't harming them physically, but I worry about the psychological impact: My kids can go to cricket, ballet, brownies and school without being tested but they can't go to their dad and step mum's (neither of whom are shielding or vulnerable) without proving they haven't got Covid. Also: In a car-park??!! Confused ....it's like they're dirty little street rats or something Sad

My opinion is that it's physically uncomfortable for the kids, unpleasant and sends out a harmful message about their status in their dad's household. I've told him it's against my wishes and against government advice and have asked him to stop, but he's carrying on doing it Angry

Is there anything I can do??? Even if this particular issue isn't the end of the world, I kinda want to flex a bit of muscle here to show them they're answerable to me when it comes to the kids and that whilst their own life is utterly crazy they can't just do any old irrational thing with my kids.

OP posts:
ZoBo123 · 26/04/2021 15:22

I thought lateral flow tests weren't designed to be used for under 11s?

Trixie78 · 26/04/2021 15:35

[quote CornishGem1975]@Trixie78 I was responding to the people who were saying that both parents need to give parental responsibility for medical treatment not that I was classing this as medical treatment[/quote]
Haha as you were, I'll get back in my box 😅😅😅

CornishGem1975 · 26/04/2021 15:45

@Trixie78 🤣

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CutieBear · 26/04/2021 15:46

I would be fuming! This is such an unnecessarily invasive procedure to do on anyone, let alone young children. I would stop their DF having the DC. Maybe he’ll realise just how controlling his OH is and will choose his DC over her.

BertieBotts · 26/04/2021 15:54

We live in Germany and all kids in school/daycare from the age of 3 have to be tested twice a week. I can't say I'm thrilled about it, but the majority of them are handling it absolutely fine and it's not a worry or traumatising thing for them.

If you did decide to pick your battles, I hope that is reassuring.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 15:57

Thanks for the responses folks xx

OP posts:
GintyMcGinty · 26/04/2021 16:01

So wondered if I could flex some legal muscle

No they are his children too and he can make these kind of parenting decisions when they are with him.

Soontobe60 · 26/04/2021 16:08

I’d be fuming at this OP. He’s putting them through unnecessary stress to placate his controlling wife.
I’d be telling him that you expect him and his wife to pick the children up from your house from now on and perform a LFT in front of you each time as you wouldn’t want your dc to catch Covid from them. See if he likes it!

dorris88 · 26/04/2021 16:14

I kinda want to flex a bit of muscle here to show them they're answerable to me

This sentence shocks me to my core. They're not answerable to you if you consider your children's father an equal parent. Baffled

dorris88 · 26/04/2021 16:17

However I'd never covid test my DSS the same way I wouldn't covid test my DD when I collect her from childcare family is family. That whole setting isn't nice for the children I feel for you there. It's not fair.

user1471462428 · 26/04/2021 16:34

Has it crossed your mind that she maybe pregnant?

PomegranateQueen · 26/04/2021 16:37

This would really piss me off. It's a waste of resources for a start, they are designed for adults and older children to prevent them going to secondary school/work with symtomless covid, they are not designed so that feckless dads can check out of parenting. Is he doing LF tests himself or just getting them for the sole purpose of testing the children? Also, what is his plan if they do come back positive? I'm guessing his plan is to bring them home to you and leave you to take a fortnight off work to look after them, he probably has no plans to isolate himself.
I would not be happy with my DCs experiencing any level of discomfort unless it is absolutely necessary, no way would my DCs be having invasive tests to put an ex's GF at ease.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 16:40

@dorris88

I kinda want to flex a bit of muscle here to show them they're answerable to me

This sentence shocks me to my core. They're not answerable to you if you consider your children's father an equal parent. Baffled

Perhaps I've not expressed myself clearly because that's quite an extreme reaction. What I meant to convey was that they can't just do as they will with the children when it comes to irrational behaviour because there's another party looking on - in the same way I would have to be mindful of his opinions. It's about protecting my children - it really shouldn't shock you to the core.
OP posts:
Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 16:43

@user1471462428

Has it crossed your mind that she maybe pregnant?
Yes.... and also that there's a tier of status at play between my kids and theirs. There are many pregnant mothers with children at primary school.
OP posts:
Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 16:45

@PomegranateQueen

This would really piss me off. It's a waste of resources for a start, they are designed for adults and older children to prevent them going to secondary school/work with symtomless covid, they are not designed so that feckless dads can check out of parenting. Is he doing LF tests himself or just getting them for the sole purpose of testing the children? Also, what is his plan if they do come back positive? I'm guessing his plan is to bring them home to you and leave you to take a fortnight off work to look after them, he probably has no plans to isolate himself. I would not be happy with my DCs experiencing any level of discomfort unless it is absolutely necessary, no way would my DCs be having invasive tests to put an ex's GF at ease.
Absolutely my feelings.... hence wondering whether I could do anything about it, but seemingly not xxx
OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 26/04/2021 16:58

I wouldn't be happy about this either. While not physically damaging, they aren't comfortable to do and I wouldn't be happy with my children getting them regularly without good reason.

I'd be interested to know what he thinks should happen if they test positive.

However, I don't think there is much you can do about it.

DottyWott · 26/04/2021 17:02

Hmm the bit I don’t get is that you are supposed to wait 30mins before you read the results. So does he wait 30 mins, in the car with them, sharing their air? Or drive 30 mins and check before he gets home, potentially having to drive back to yours, making it 1 hour in the car with them, sharing their air?

I think if the kids are OK with it, I wouldn’t choose this hill to die on, nor would I stir things up by insisting they submitted negative tests. I would tell him I think it’s unnecessary and that if the kids start to become distressed by it I would not allow it to continue. Then he has to choose if he takes them home or not in those circumstances.

RandomMess · 26/04/2021 17:49

Actually what I would do is make sure you are not at home and unavailable the entire evening and night he is doing these tests so if the DC test positive he either brings them to yours and looks after them there until you return or he has to take them home to his regardless and they isolate there.

Sounds like it would do him a favour to have a break with the DC at yours! Presumably you wouldn't want the DC to ensure isolation at his house?

I wonder if she realises the tests aren't even that reliable?

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 26/04/2021 18:04

@dorris88

I kinda want to flex a bit of muscle here to show them they're answerable to me

This sentence shocks me to my core. They're not answerable to you if you consider your children's father an equal parent. Baffled

That's an extreme reaction.

I think OP is justified in wondering wtf and wanting an explanation from her ex. Similarly if his ex was confused about a decision that OP was making, he'd be justified in thinking wtf.

SoupDragon · 26/04/2021 18:10

I think OP is justified in wondering wtf and wanting an explanation from her ex

That's not the same as "wanting to show them they're answerable".

OP think long and hard about whether this is really because of the children or is actually because you hate your ex and his partner.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 18:20

I don't hate them. I worry about their behaviour both in front of and towards the children, with very good reason.

The "answerable to me" phrase was obviously misleading: it's a 2 way thing. I'm answerable to him too. What I meant is that there's another set of eyes (belonging to the other parent) so neither of us can do anything irrational. It's a protection thing.

OP posts:
TinaYouFatLard · 26/04/2021 18:25

It’s a horrible thing to do to your own children. Checking them for cleanliness before allowing them to come home with you? I wouldn’t do that to someone else’s child. What if the OP decided to test them on the way home from school and refuse to allow them home if they’re positive. Make it absolutely clear that in the event of a positive test he will still need to take them to his home.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 18:26

I'd definitely want them with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 18:29

I think it's horrible too. Unlike other testing this is not for the greater good of society or to protect the vulnerable. It's solely for the kids stepmother and I think that's not a great message about her relationship with them (not that they'll understand it that way, at their age).

OP posts:
debbiejh · 26/04/2021 18:29

I had my daughter father tested my daughter without my knowledge and I did felt really annoyed and thought it was unnecessary for her as she is only 6. So I can understand where you coming from. I told him not to do it again otherwise I will keep my daughter with me until covid finish, he never done it since.