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Original poster

Ex is covid testing our primary age kids in a car park on every pick up

161 replies

DKmamma · 26/04/2021 12:54

A bit of background: My ex husband's new wife is extremely controlling, coercive and bullying towards him. The ex and I aren't the best of friends, but I do feel very sorry for him and still care about him as my kids' dad. Sounds pathetic, I know, but it is obviously an abusive relationship. He's a broken man.

Terrible situation, but one that he has chosen nonetheless, and whilst it has affected me financially (she insisted he override his consent order with the basic CMS amount) and has severely damaged my co-parenting relationship with their dad (she won't even let him speak to me), until now this wasn't particularly affecting my kids who, so far, she has been perfectly lovely to. It's something I'm keeping a very close eye on.

But the latest crazy thing they're doing IS affecting my kids, so I want to know if I have any power to stop it, legally....

He's moved 45 mins away from their school and picks them up every Wednesday and every other Friday. For the last 3 pickups he's driven them round the corner from school and parked up in a Co-op carpark where he's made them take a lateral flow test for Covid. They are 7 and 9 and the government aren't currently recommending testing on primary age kids, but this is obviously a condition of them being allowed back to his home.

I know this isn't harming them physically, but I worry about the psychological impact: My kids can go to cricket, ballet, brownies and school without being tested but they can't go to their dad and step mum's (neither of whom are shielding or vulnerable) without proving they haven't got Covid. Also: In a car-park??!! Confused ....it's like they're dirty little street rats or something Sad

My opinion is that it's physically uncomfortable for the kids, unpleasant and sends out a harmful message about their status in their dad's household. I've told him it's against my wishes and against government advice and have asked him to stop, but he's carrying on doing it Angry

Is there anything I can do??? Even if this particular issue isn't the end of the world, I kinda want to flex a bit of muscle here to show them they're answerable to me when it comes to the kids and that whilst their own life is utterly crazy they can't just do any old irrational thing with my kids.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 26/04/2021 18:36

At our school lots of parents have tested their DC so it's not something only secondary age are doing.

If they do get covid then they may have to isolate at his house. There's no reason they have to be with you. Apart from the fact that you're probably their only parent who cares to look after them rather than treat them like pariahs.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/04/2021 18:40

I told him not to do it again otherwise I will keep my daughter with me until covid finish, he never done it since.

You know you can't stop contact because he gave his child a covid test, right? If he took that to court you would likely be, rightly, sanctioned for parental alienation.

CovidCorvid · 26/04/2021 18:41

If it's shared custody and they test positive when he has them I reckon he needs to deal with it. Even if he didnt keep them for ten days if you didn't want that he would still have to isolate for ten days. Personally I'd tell him if they're positive they stay at his for ten days. Why's it your issue? Maybe then he won't be as keen to test

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feimineach · 26/04/2021 18:41

The issue here isn't the testing itself (unless it unduly distresses the children, I suppose.) It's what he would do if one of them was positive. His contact time is exactly that - it's for him to look after them if they're unwell when he's got them.

OP you either need to cross your fingers and hope they don't get covid/a false positive, or tell him upfront that it will be his responsibility to look after them for the allotted amount of times and you won't be able to drop work, or whatever else you're doing at that time, to have them in his contact time. Because otherwise, if he turns up at your front door with them I can imagine it'll get very emotional to deal with.

CovidCorvid · 26/04/2021 18:42

@DKmamma

I'd definitely want them with me.
I get that... But you don't have to tell him that. 😁
Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 18:44

Very true.

OP posts:
HappyGoPlucky · 26/04/2021 19:00

I've been testing myself twice weekly, as a teacher, and it's not particularly pleasant!
I once tested my 7yo son using one of my lateral flow tests from school, because there was an outbreak in his class and I didn't want to take it into my school, and he was inconsolable - it was awful. Am sure a nurse administering the test would have been fine but I made a right mess of it.
I would not want to subject them to it every week. Schools are not testing primary age children so, unless they had symptoms, I would not test my children again.
Government advice is that primary age children should not be tested using lateral flow test kits and should be tested in a test centre if they have symptoms. There will be a good reason for this.
I don't think your being unreasonable or dramatic at all, OP.

dotdashdashdash · 26/04/2021 19:03

@Aprilshowersandhail

I thought both parents had to agree to medical decisions when they both have PR?
This is not true (doctor).
NEVERENDINGST0RY · 26/04/2021 19:20

I would have no problem with this TBH and test my 10 year old twice a week (when I test my high school children). He has no problem with this.

If hes doing them alone in the car with the kids (without DW there) then why not ask him to just "pretend" to test them? Put it slightly up their noses so the kids think its been done (incase she asks them) but actually test himself to get the results? That way DW wont know and everyones happy?

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 19:30

Thank you xx

OP posts:
NorthernMC · 26/04/2021 20:12

I’m on the fence about this. On the one hand, if one of them has anxiety around Covid as lots of people do I can see why they’re doing it. They clearly know it’s not normal hence the co-op but anxiety doesn’t stand to reason. It also kind of makes sense before mixing households even though you all count as one household kind of.

On the other hand the above would only really be acceptable if the test wasn’t as invasive as it is. I also traumatised my 7 year old doing on. It was awful! But unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about it since he has PR. Also kids interpret things differently, they’re likely clueless this isn’t normal and will only realise when they’re adults and look back at how weird their Dad and step mum were in Covid times.

ComDummings · 26/04/2021 20:17

I think it’s fucking awful to test small children who don’t have symptoms. I’m not sure what you can do though, unfortunately OP.

Wombatt · 26/04/2021 20:23

Is it possible your ex has a type? It's batshit controlling on your end to think you could stop them doing lateral flow tests or to think you need to 'flex some muscle'. If you want what's best for your DC then don't fight battles you can't win.

HotPenguin · 26/04/2021 20:24

Although testing isn't compulsory for your kids age you are wrong to say it isn't recommended, the govt have been providing free test kits to families of primary aged children for some time so that they can test if they wish. I don't think your ex is doing anything wrong, although I think it would be fair enough for you to ask what happens if they test positive during their time with him. I think you are picking the wrong battle here.

Crumble012 · 26/04/2021 20:27

Could she be pregnant maybe and worried about Covid?

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 26/04/2021 20:41

The government have been telling people with primary school age kids they can pick up test kits for testing.
I don't think there's anything wrong in them being tested.
I test my primary school age kids they aren't bothered by it in the slightest.

dorris88 · 26/04/2021 20:56

@ForThePurposeOfTheTape

Erm, I don't believe it to be extreme at all.

Far too many mothers in this world believe their child's fathers are answerable to them, and not equal.

Wanting to flex my muscles and show them they are answerable to me is basically saying 'I want to make them realise I control my children's life and they do as they're told'

My brother took my niece to Legoland (25 mile trip) and was banned from seeing her for 2 weeks for not running it by his ex first because of the distance.

Turned out she wanted to be the first to take her to Legoland.

I simply cannot stand controlling mothers and since reading more of OPs posts I sympathise her reasons, altho I'm Doubtful she knows all she believes but that sentence I quoted in my PP, winds me up.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 20:58

@Wombatt

Is it possible your ex has a type? It's batshit controlling on your end to think you could stop them doing lateral flow tests or to think you need to 'flex some muscle'. If you want what's best for your DC then don't fight battles you can't win.
The flex some muscle was in relation to protecting my kids from their abusive domestic situation. You may think it's batshit for me to worry about that, but my parenting style differs to yours in that I give a shit.

Thanks for identifying yourself as a nasty piece of work though. It's helpful to others to know that.

Back in your cage you pop.

OP posts:
ManicPixie · 26/04/2021 21:05

Honestly, I’d pick better battles than this one. We all have different thresholds for covid risk and apparently your husband and his wife’s are lower than yours. Maybe it’s paranoid on their part but in the scheme of bitter ex battles it’s probably worth letting it slide - for now.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 21:20

@HotPenguin

Although testing isn't compulsory for your kids age you are wrong to say it isn't recommended, the govt have been providing free test kits to families of primary aged children for some time so that they can test if they wish. I don't think your ex is doing anything wrong, although I think it would be fair enough for you to ask what happens if they test positive during their time with him. I think you are picking the wrong battle here.
The free tests are being provided for adults in the households of primary school children. Not for the children.

I hear what you're saying about picking my battles though ;-) Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 21:23

.... they have been indoors with the kids at his parents' house during lockdown though. That's something I haven't done. So they can't be that nervous.

OP posts:
Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 21:23

@Crumble012

Could she be pregnant maybe and worried about Covid?
Possibly.
OP posts:
FizzyApricot · 26/04/2021 21:30

Makes no sense because if they test positive they are still with him so he has exposed himself to it and would have to keep them with him!

Could you offer to do a covid test for yourself so he doesn't have to test them?

FizzyApricot · 26/04/2021 21:30

Not that he has to test them.

FizzyApricot · 26/04/2021 21:32

I think it's the last trimester of pregnancy that is considered higher risk for covid, so I could imagine wanting to be cautious then.