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Original poster

Ex is covid testing our primary age kids in a car park on every pick up

161 replies

DKmamma · 26/04/2021 12:54

A bit of background: My ex husband's new wife is extremely controlling, coercive and bullying towards him. The ex and I aren't the best of friends, but I do feel very sorry for him and still care about him as my kids' dad. Sounds pathetic, I know, but it is obviously an abusive relationship. He's a broken man.

Terrible situation, but one that he has chosen nonetheless, and whilst it has affected me financially (she insisted he override his consent order with the basic CMS amount) and has severely damaged my co-parenting relationship with their dad (she won't even let him speak to me), until now this wasn't particularly affecting my kids who, so far, she has been perfectly lovely to. It's something I'm keeping a very close eye on.

But the latest crazy thing they're doing IS affecting my kids, so I want to know if I have any power to stop it, legally....

He's moved 45 mins away from their school and picks them up every Wednesday and every other Friday. For the last 3 pickups he's driven them round the corner from school and parked up in a Co-op carpark where he's made them take a lateral flow test for Covid. They are 7 and 9 and the government aren't currently recommending testing on primary age kids, but this is obviously a condition of them being allowed back to his home.

I know this isn't harming them physically, but I worry about the psychological impact: My kids can go to cricket, ballet, brownies and school without being tested but they can't go to their dad and step mum's (neither of whom are shielding or vulnerable) without proving they haven't got Covid. Also: In a car-park??!! Confused ....it's like they're dirty little street rats or something Sad

My opinion is that it's physically uncomfortable for the kids, unpleasant and sends out a harmful message about their status in their dad's household. I've told him it's against my wishes and against government advice and have asked him to stop, but he's carrying on doing it Angry

Is there anything I can do??? Even if this particular issue isn't the end of the world, I kinda want to flex a bit of muscle here to show them they're answerable to me when it comes to the kids and that whilst their own life is utterly crazy they can't just do any old irrational thing with my kids.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersandhail · 26/04/2021 14:40

If you are divorced and one parent wants the dc to have say therapy the other parent can object legally. Was a thread regarding this a while ago..

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 14:40

@CornishGem1975

But they're still not answerable to you. Unfortunately, whether you like it or not - what he does with them on his time it's his concern, and he doesn't have to consider your opinions either - and I say that as someone who is divorced with children.

The only difference is if there is a safeguarding issue - and I don't think a COVID test comes under that. You say they are 'unhinged' so if that's the case, this is more about COVID testing - if they're unhinged I wouldn't want my children around them unsupervised. Take it to the courts? That's about the only way you can control things.

I suppose things would have to be obviously affecting the kids for the court to take action. I hope it doesn't come to that. Thanks for the advice though, I appreciate it.
OP posts:
DarcyLewis · 26/04/2021 14:43

Sounds like it will only be a issue for the kids if you make it an issue or they catch on to your “dirty little street rats” attitude.

Sure it’s not ideal, but if you stay neutral/positive about it the kids will be fine. Any child who has gone to a testing centre has been tested in a car park.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Silverfly · 26/04/2021 14:44

No other primary age kids are being tested, only mine - a friend of mine tests her own primary age kids regularly. I'm not saying I agree with her (or your ex), but other people are doing this OP.

CornishGem1975 · 26/04/2021 14:44

Re parental responsibility and medical treatment

Parental responsibility
A person with parental responsibility must have the capacity to give consent.

If a parent refuses to give consent to a particular treatment, this decision can be overruled by the courts if treatment is thought to be in the best interests of the child.

By law, healthcare professionals only need 1 person with parental responsibility to give consent for them to provide treatment.

In cases where 1 parent disagrees with the treatment, doctors are often unwilling to go against their wishes and will try to gain agreement.

If agreement about a particular treatment or what's in the child's best interests cannot be reached, the courts can make a decision.

In an emergency, where treatment is vital and waiting for parental consent would place the child at risk, treatment can proceed without consent.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 14:49

@DarcyLewis

Sounds like it will only be a issue for the kids if you make it an issue or they catch on to your “dirty little street rats” attitude.

Sure it’s not ideal, but if you stay neutral/positive about it the kids will be fine. Any child who has gone to a testing centre has been tested in a car park.

HA :D Thanks Darcy! I haven't said anything to the kids about it.... The "street rats" comment was meant to be more whimsical than it's obviously come across!!
OP posts:
Trixie78 · 26/04/2021 14:51

@CornishGem1975

Re parental responsibility and medical treatment

Parental responsibility
A person with parental responsibility must have the capacity to give consent.

If a parent refuses to give consent to a particular treatment, this decision can be overruled by the courts if treatment is thought to be in the best interests of the child.

By law, healthcare professionals only need 1 person with parental responsibility to give consent for them to provide treatment.

In cases where 1 parent disagrees with the treatment, doctors are often unwilling to go against their wishes and will try to gain agreement.

If agreement about a particular treatment or what's in the child's best interests cannot be reached, the courts can make a decision.

In an emergency, where treatment is vital and waiting for parental consent would place the child at risk, treatment can proceed without consent.

It's a lateral flow test, hardly medical treatment. Does this go for Calpol too 😅😅😅
minniemomo · 26/04/2021 14:51

Maybe there's a medical condition you aren't aware of, you aren't entitled to know their medical situation

Illberidingshotgun · 26/04/2021 14:51

I think the thing here is that you've said it's affecting them - how is it affecting them? Do they get anxious about it before they see him? Are they reluctant to see him because of the testing? Have they been worried/crying/ upset? Have their teachers indicated that either of them are showing signs that they are anxious about it?

I think if you can make a list of how it's impacting on them, then you can seek guidance on how you may be able to address this.

You also describe their home life as strange, horrible and utterly crazy. It sounds like there could be safeguarding concerns there, do you worry about the children's safety whilst they are there? It may be worth talking it through with SS if their lives are that disordered at the home environment is unsafe.

Yawnthisway · 26/04/2021 14:53

I would tell him firmly that if the kids test positive he still has to take them home. That’ll make the tests pointless so they might drop off?

TheQueef · 26/04/2021 14:54

Street rats was a descriptor how H is treating his DC.

Normally you would test at home but doing it behind the Co-op implies something else. I think most of us would take the covert co-op testing to be significant.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 14:56

@Illberidingshotgun

I think the thing here is that you've said it's affecting them - how is it affecting them? Do they get anxious about it before they see him? Are they reluctant to see him because of the testing? Have they been worried/crying/ upset? Have their teachers indicated that either of them are showing signs that they are anxious about it?

I think if you can make a list of how it's impacting on them, then you can seek guidance on how you may be able to address this.

You also describe their home life as strange, horrible and utterly crazy. It sounds like there could be safeguarding concerns there, do you worry about the children's safety whilst they are there? It may be worth talking it through with SS if their lives are that disordered at the home environment is unsafe.

Thanks. None of the above, it's just uncomfortable and imo unpleasant and a little weird that they have to do it. You're right that this is part of a much bigger issue which I'm just keeping a keen eye on for now. Thanks for the advice - appreciated.
OP posts:
SoupDragon · 26/04/2021 14:56

No other primary age kids are being tested, only mine.

You don't know this at all!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/04/2021 14:56

If I thought that being tested in the car was detrimental for my dc in some way I would offer to test them in the morning at home and send a photo to my ex tbh. Its really not that big a deal though.

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 14:57

@TheQueef

Street rats was a descriptor how H is treating his DC.

Normally you would test at home but doing it behind the Co-op implies something else. I think most of us would take the covert co-op testing to be significant.

Thank you :-)
OP posts:
ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 26/04/2021 15:00

What do the kids think about it?

If they are indifferent I would Hmm and have him submit a LFT each time he picks them up.

LFT are very low accuracy (hence needing a pcr to confirm a positive result) They are testing secondary school people upwards for political reasons ( they bought millions of these tests so might as well use them up )

Legally I don't think that you can't do anything big you can insist he still has them if they have a positive result.

nitsandwormsdodger · 26/04/2021 15:01

If your kids aren't distressed by it then I'd leave it and save my energy for another fight
Have you asked her why they are being tested??

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 26/04/2021 15:02

He's clearly doing it in the Coop car park because it's not normal behaviour and doesn't want a teacher or another parent spotting him doing it.

RavingAnnie · 26/04/2021 15:03

I think you are possibly overreacting to this due to understandable concern about your children being around an abusive relationship.

Your children however are not going to be harmed by covid testing either physically or emotionally. They really won't. Just explain it to them and that it's nothing to worry about.

Having had an ex partner with an "unhinged" partner you really do have to tread carefully and pick your battles. Only start one if it's really really necessary it will cause more problems than it is worth otherwise. Try to let everything else go, however much it grates.

I really don't think this one is worth battling over.

DonLewis · 26/04/2021 15:03

I think the issue here is that if the kids have covid, they're mums responsibility.
As in, we're not having the kids here with covid.
Which makes a mockery of the he can do what he wants with the kids on his time. Because he only wants them if they're covid free.

There is nothing you can do (legally or otherwise) about this, except to ask your ex what the plan is if they're positive?

Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 15:14

@ForThePurposeOfTheTape

What do the kids think about it?

If they are indifferent I would Hmm and have him submit a LFT each time he picks them up.

LFT are very low accuracy (hence needing a pcr to confirm a positive result) They are testing secondary school people upwards for political reasons ( they bought millions of these tests so might as well use them up )

Legally I don't think that you can't do anything big you can insist he still has them if they have a positive result.

They don't like it but are very keen to please so it's not a huge deal for them.

If everything was normal I'd just accept this as their legit opinion, but it's a messed up situation he's in so naturally I'm watching like a hawk for things affecting the kids. Was hoping there might be some way I could nip such things in the bud, or at least let them know they need to be mindful of my wishes, but it sounds like there's nothing much I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 15:16

@RavingAnnie

I think you are possibly overreacting to this due to understandable concern about your children being around an abusive relationship.

Your children however are not going to be harmed by covid testing either physically or emotionally. They really won't. Just explain it to them and that it's nothing to worry about.

Having had an ex partner with an "unhinged" partner you really do have to tread carefully and pick your battles. Only start one if it's really really necessary it will cause more problems than it is worth otherwise. Try to let everything else go, however much it grates.

I really don't think this one is worth battling over.

Yeah - I absolutely am. Good advice, thank you x
OP posts:
Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 15:17

@ForThePurposeOfTheTape

He's clearly doing it in the Coop car park because it's not normal behaviour and doesn't want a teacher or another parent spotting him doing it.
yep! x
OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 26/04/2021 15:20

@Trixie78 I was responding to the people who were saying that both parents need to give parental responsibility for medical treatment not that I was classing this as medical treatment

RB68 · 26/04/2021 15:22

If he is testing the kids is he not testing himself and his partner as well then as they are just as likely a threat to his kids as vice versa.