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Original poster

Ex is covid testing our primary age kids in a car park on every pick up

161 replies

DKmamma · 26/04/2021 12:54

A bit of background: My ex husband's new wife is extremely controlling, coercive and bullying towards him. The ex and I aren't the best of friends, but I do feel very sorry for him and still care about him as my kids' dad. Sounds pathetic, I know, but it is obviously an abusive relationship. He's a broken man.

Terrible situation, but one that he has chosen nonetheless, and whilst it has affected me financially (she insisted he override his consent order with the basic CMS amount) and has severely damaged my co-parenting relationship with their dad (she won't even let him speak to me), until now this wasn't particularly affecting my kids who, so far, she has been perfectly lovely to. It's something I'm keeping a very close eye on.

But the latest crazy thing they're doing IS affecting my kids, so I want to know if I have any power to stop it, legally....

He's moved 45 mins away from their school and picks them up every Wednesday and every other Friday. For the last 3 pickups he's driven them round the corner from school and parked up in a Co-op carpark where he's made them take a lateral flow test for Covid. They are 7 and 9 and the government aren't currently recommending testing on primary age kids, but this is obviously a condition of them being allowed back to his home.

I know this isn't harming them physically, but I worry about the psychological impact: My kids can go to cricket, ballet, brownies and school without being tested but they can't go to their dad and step mum's (neither of whom are shielding or vulnerable) without proving they haven't got Covid. Also: In a car-park??!! Confused ....it's like they're dirty little street rats or something Sad

My opinion is that it's physically uncomfortable for the kids, unpleasant and sends out a harmful message about their status in their dad's household. I've told him it's against my wishes and against government advice and have asked him to stop, but he's carrying on doing it Angry

Is there anything I can do??? Even if this particular issue isn't the end of the world, I kinda want to flex a bit of muscle here to show them they're answerable to me when it comes to the kids and that whilst their own life is utterly crazy they can't just do any old irrational thing with my kids.

OP posts:
bearandowl · 26/04/2021 21:35

He is wrong. Sticking swabs deep into nostrils is intrusive and even potentially dangerous - so close to the brain.

saraclara · 26/04/2021 21:46

@bearandowl

He is wrong. Sticking swabs deep into nostrils is intrusive and even potentially dangerous - so close to the brain.
That's really not the case. Covid testing children is perfectly safe. If it wasn't, the Govt would not be issuing instructions like this for parents.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/934735/coronavirus_test_guide_how_to_test_on_a_child.pdf

CelestialGalaxy · 26/04/2021 21:54

Are the children bothered by it? If they were I think i would encourage them to say something to their Dad about it rather than getting in the middle of it. If they are not, I would just let it go. As others have said, what would he do if one of them did have a dodgy result? They are in his care but as you are a bubble you all (including his partner) would have to isolate. Let them crack on and take care of the kids if that happens unless there is a genuine reason not to, I know it's not what you want (wouldn't be what I would want either) but sometimes my ex utilises the knowledge that i will always care for the kids in any circumstances for his own advantage.

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wellhellohi · 26/04/2021 22:10

Bet she is pregnant!

AngelDelightUk · 26/04/2021 22:17

Does the stepmum have elderly parents she’s concerned about? Or even a health condition herself.

I know a lot of people who have become very anxious about the whole situation, sometimes irrationally so. I’m not saying she’s in the right, because it is odd having them do the tests in Co-Op, but I do wonder if there’s more to it than they are letting on

Temp023 · 26/04/2021 22:27

Christ, how can any of you say that you don’t have a problem with this, he is their Father, that is their second home. The whole situation is insane!

Theunamedcat · 26/04/2021 22:30

@Temp023

Christ, how can any of you say that you don’t have a problem with this, he is their Father, that is their second home. The whole situation is insane!
He appears to be somewhat abused and this is his only way of continuing his relationship with his children it would be ideal if he left but that doesn't appear to be happening
Original poster
DKmamma · 26/04/2021 22:47

@AngelDelightUk

Does the stepmum have elderly parents she’s concerned about? Or even a health condition herself.

I know a lot of people who have become very anxious about the whole situation, sometimes irrationally so. I’m not saying she’s in the right, because it is odd having them do the tests in Co-Op, but I do wonder if there’s more to it than they are letting on

Not that I know of, but perhaps. I do know (from the kids) that they've broken the rules themselves though, here or there.
OP posts:
whymewhyme · 27/04/2021 06:25

He is a dick, I'd ring and speak to him, tell him you don't consent and he needs to stop the testing or not have the kids.

FizzyApricot · 27/04/2021 06:49

They don't get rammed up there. But yes I'm not sure how they manage to do all the handwashing the booklet asks you to do in the back of a car.

ElderMillennial · 27/04/2021 06:55

I can understand you are looking out for your children but you sound quite spiteful towards the ex and I agree with PPs who say you don't know their situation or why they may be particularly nervous about covid.

ElderMillennial · 27/04/2021 06:56

@wellhellohi

Bet she is pregnant!
I thought this too.
WouldBeGood · 27/04/2021 07:00

They sound bonkers. I feel for you. And the dcs.

I’d make it clear to him that if they’re positive he can’t just bring them back to you - that might focus his mind.

midnightstar66 · 27/04/2021 07:05

I also have a pretty unpleasant ex but sorry this wouldn't bother me, it's just a coupons of second test. My dc are primary age and have been tested multiple times for various reasons. I think as long as it's not made to be a big deal they won't think anything of it either. Kids for the most part take all this covid stuff in their strides. I also don't see the issue with doing it in the car park - much the same as all the drive through test centres. Personally if they tested positive I'd want them home to isolate with me anyway so no issues with that either. I think you might be letting your over all feelings about the other adults affect this one.

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 27/04/2021 07:09

He is a dick, I'd ring and speak to him, tell him you don't consent and he needs to stop the testing or not have the kids
I bet if she did that they will twist her words and actions around to her ‘not allowing them to test for a killer disease and not letting them see the children’

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 27/04/2021 07:12

Reading this, it's not so much the testing bit what he would do after. Book them a PCR, take them and isolate for 10days? Or just do it all back on the mother...
He's their father. He shouldn't abdicate responsibility for them just because they are ill.

ElderMillennial · 27/04/2021 07:30

Yes but if his partner is pregnant or there is some other issue which makes someone in the family vulnerable to covid (eg maybe she is caring for a relative who is vulnerable, I don't know) then they have to take that into account to. In those circumstances I think it is reasonable to take the children back to their mother's so as to protect his unborn child (if that's the position) but presumably he has been exposed by then so not sure how that works/

Captianthunderpants · 27/04/2021 08:05

Op I can completely understand why you feel like your dc a being treated like street rats, I've been in a similar situation.
My ex was and is still in a relationship with an abusive woman who makes his life hell and completely destroyed our co-parenting relationship, the final straw for me was when I found out my dc were made to go to their grandmothers house (pre covid) to shower and change their clothes into the ones she had brought them so they didn't smell like me Confused
I could understand if they were grimy dirty kids or I didn't wash their clothes and they stank of pee, but no she didn't like the smell of my washing powder and my dc going into her home, in her words "smelling nice showed her that I was a good parent and she hated me!"
Needless to say my dc never went back to their house and that was two years ago, I regret not a thing.
Their dad is only now just getting back in contact with them and still has her in the background telling him what he can and can't do, he isn't allowed to call them when he's at home and they now have a dc, who my dc aren't allowed to meet. It's sad to see but I feel like hes definitely made his bed I've tried all I can to help him, but it's down to him now.

In your situation i would explain that most children aren't having tests done regularly, but if it really is just him and to put his mind at ease do it only once a week or only if they have symptoms and most definitely not in secret. 6

WouldBeGood · 27/04/2021 08:09

That’s not right @ElderMillennial - they’re his dcs too and he and his partner would just need to cope if it’s positive, just as everyone else has to. He can’t elect to have them only if the tests are clear. It’s sending a horrible message to the dcs.

CervixHaver · 27/04/2021 08:19

Why on EARTH are you allowing your children to be around a controlling, abusive and, in your words unhinged woman? Yes she may have been nice to them so far, but for how long?

I'd be temporarily suspending unsupervised contact until he gets rid of her

CervixHaver · 27/04/2021 08:25

@CornishGem1975

But they're still not answerable to you. Unfortunately, whether you like it or not - what he does with them on his time it's his concern, and he doesn't have to consider your opinions either - and I say that as someone who is divorced with children.

The only difference is if there is a safeguarding issue - and I don't think a COVID test comes under that. You say they are 'unhinged' so if that's the case, this is more about COVID testing - if they're unhinged I wouldn't want my children around them unsupervised. Take it to the courts? That's about the only way you can control things.

what he does with them on his time it's his concern

Absolute nonsense!! OP is the DC's mother!!!!! Hmm

CervixHaver · 27/04/2021 08:27

@CornishGem1975

But they're still not answerable to you. Unfortunately, whether you like it or not - what he does with them on his time it's his concern, and he doesn't have to consider your opinions either - and I say that as someone who is divorced with children.

The only difference is if there is a safeguarding issue - and I don't think a COVID test comes under that. You say they are 'unhinged' so if that's the case, this is more about COVID testing - if they're unhinged I wouldn't want my children around them unsupervised. Take it to the courts? That's about the only way you can control things.

So you're saying he can do whatever he wants to the children and OP is not allowed to say a word?! Utter crap!
ElderMillennial · 27/04/2021 08:32

It's not for you to say it's not right @WouldBeGood Thats my opinion and yours may differ.

I think if there was someone vulnerable in one of the households then that would need to be taken into account if the children tested positive for covid and it might be appropriate for the other parent to have them in that time.

2019user44 · 27/04/2021 08:36

Simplifying this from a legal perspective, you both have PR and he is subjecting the children to testing that you deem to be unnecessary. If you think the children are not affected by it (apologies haven’t read the whole post) probably just make your objections known in writing, just in case he does anything else strange and let it be. If you think they are being affected by it, write to him and confirm that if he does not stop testing you will apply to the court under the Children Act1989 for a prohibited steps order to prevent the testing taking place. Make it clear that as far as you’re aware neither he or his wife are shielding. Make it clear you’re not wanting to stop contact, but this is not fair to the children. If he then still continues, then apply to the court for a prohibited steps order. The Court will then have to determine whether this is reasonable

2019user44 · 27/04/2021 08:37

Should have said, if you consider this urgent, you can do it without the benefit of mediation. You might want to try mediation first though, he probably won’t attend if his wife is controlling, but worth a try