Ex is covid testing our primary age kids in a car park on every pick up

[DKmamma]

A bit of background: My ex husband's new wife is extremely controlling, coercive and bullying towards him. The ex and I aren't the best of friends, but I do feel very sorry for him and still care about him as my kids' dad. Sounds pathetic, I know, but it is obviously an abusive relationship. He's a broken man.

Terrible situation, but one that he has chosen nonetheless, and whilst it has affected me financially (she insisted he override his consent order with the basic CMS amount) and has severely damaged my co-parenting relationship with their dad (she won't even let him speak to me), until now this wasn't particularly affecting my kids who, so far, she has been perfectly lovely to. It's something I'm keeping a very close eye on.

But the latest crazy thing they're doing IS affecting my kids, so I want to know if I have any power to stop it, legally....

He's moved 45 mins away from their school and picks them up every Wednesday and every other Friday. For the last 3 pickups he's driven them round the corner from school and parked up in a Co-op carpark where he's made them take a lateral flow test for Covid. They are 7 and 9 and the government aren't currently recommending testing on primary age kids, but this is obviously a condition of them being allowed back to his home.

I know this isn't harming them physically, but I worry about the psychological impact: My kids can go to cricket, ballet, brownies and school without being tested but they can't go to their dad and step mum's (neither of whom are shielding or vulnerable) without proving they haven't got Covid. Also: In a car-park??!! ....it's like they're dirty little street rats or something

My opinion is that it's physically uncomfortable for the kids, unpleasant and sends out a harmful message about their status in their dad's household. I've told him it's against my wishes and against government advice and have asked him to stop, but he's carrying on doing it

Is there anything I can do??? Even if this particular issue isn't the end of the world, I kinda want to flex a bit of muscle here to show them they're answerable to me when it comes to the kids and that whilst their own life is utterly crazy they can't just do any old irrational thing with my kids.

I wouldn't allow my dc to be tested in this way. If my exh partner had thought of this idea she would try it...

@CervixHaver

So if he refuses to communicate with you, that means you have to communicate with her regarding the children? Have you not had it out with her about this?? I'd have lost it with her by now! (No, I don't mean physically, before someone tries to imply that!)

He won't pick up the phone to me ...he's not allowed to (I kid you not) and is selective which emails or texts he responds to. I have no line of communication with her.

I agree that the big issue here is what happens if one of the tests comes back positive? Presumably he wouldn't take them to his house as that's the point of the co op car park?

I would ask him in writing what the plan is for a positive test as it's unacceptable that he's just bring them back to you (although you've said you'd prefer that).

And I don't think you've been controlling in all this - you've responded really well to posts that offer advice or don't agree with your position. And I know MN doesn't like it but in separated families the NRP isn't equal. The RPs do the majority of the parenting so in fact I do think they have the major say, especially when from the looks of it the impact of the decision (ie a positive test) is going to be dumped in the ops lap!

@AnneElliott

I agree that the big issue here is what happens if one of the tests comes back positive? Presumably he wouldn't take them to his house as that's the point of the co op car park?

I would ask him in writing what the plan is for a positive test as it's unacceptable that he's just bring them back to you (although you've said you'd prefer that).

And I don't think you've been controlling in all this - you've responded really well to posts that offer advice or don't agree with your position. And I know MN doesn't like it but in separated families the NRP isn't equal. The RPs do the majority of the parenting so in fact I do think they have the major say, especially when from the looks of it the impact of the decision (ie a positive test) is going to be dumped in the ops lap!

Thank you Anne. I have asked him in writing but that's one of the questions he's opted out of responding to xx

@HappyGoPlucky write to him telling him that you don’t agree with testing them and that he will be fully responsible for their care/isolation should they test positive.

@Captianthunderpants

Op I can completely understand why you feel like your dc a being treated like street rats, I've been in a similar situation. My ex was and is still in a relationship with an abusive woman who makes his life hell and completely destroyed our co-parenting relationship, the final straw for me was when I found out my dc were made to go to their grandmothers house (pre covid) to shower and change their clothes into the ones she had brought them so they didn't smell like me I could understand if they were grimy dirty kids or I didn't wash their clothes and they stank of pee, but no she didn't like the smell of my washing powder and my dc going into her home, in her words "smelling nice showed her that I was a good parent and she hated me!" Needless to say my dc never went back to their house and that was two years ago, I regret not a thing. Their dad is only now just getting back in contact with them and still has her in the background telling him what he can and can't do, he isn't allowed to call them when he's at home and they now have a dc, who my dc aren't allowed to meet. It's sad to see but I feel like hes definitely made his bed I've tried all I can to help him, but it's down to him now.

In your situation i would explain that most children aren't having tests done regularly, but if it really is just him and to put his mind at ease do it only once a week or only if they have symptoms and most definitely not in secret. 6

Oh my word, that sounds awful. Thank god your children aren't around that woman any more!! xx

While it seems a bit over the top, I don't really think it's a huge deal, especially if the kids themselves aren't really bothered.

I know you've said they aren't vulnerable/shielding but in reality you might not know the full picture - as others have mentioned, she could be pregnant or she may be dealing with elderly parents etc.

Also, no harm in knowing they are negative anyway, and if they did turn out to be positive then best everyone knows.

@HappyGoPlucky

I've been testing myself twice weekly, as a teacher, and it's not particularly pleasant! I once tested my 7yo son using one of my lateral flow tests from school, because there was an outbreak in his class and I didn't want to take it into my school, and he was inconsolable - it was awful. Am sure a nurse administering the test would have been fine but I made a right mess of it. I would not want to subject them to it every week. Schools are not testing primary age children so, unless they had symptoms, I would not test my children again. Government advice is that primary age children should not be tested using lateral flow test kits and should be tested in a test centre if they have symptoms. There will be a good reason for this. I don't think your being unreasonable or dramatic at all, OP.

Thank you.

Could you carry out the tests at home in the morning?

@HappyGoPlucky That is not true ahh BN put Lateral Flow tests and primary school children, as the lateral flow testing kits have a section in the booklet for how to use them on children under 12! These are government issued kits! Mine were ordered from .Gov

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