Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

It’s very unfair of you to say that your mother doesn’t care for your daughter. By giving you both a roof over your heads, she is caring. By taking her shopping, she is caring. By taking her on dog walks she is caring. Your father will play with her and perhaps your mum is busy elsewhere. The house doesn’t run itself, so who is taking care of that? If you work part time and play with your daughter the rest of the time, what are you doing to contribute to the household. If she’s five years old, she’ll be at school, unless you’re living in a different country.

I think you’re immensely unfair and consider this. What will happen when your brother moves out of your property. Will you be expecting your parents to be babysitting, taking and collecting from school when you’re working? You should be grateful they’re willing to support you in your choices.

I think she sounds like a perfectly nice grandmother.
Am sure dd loves going shopping and on walks with her. I bet they chat and have a lovely bond.
My DC's grandmother would never take them shopping as she perceived it as a hassle despite my dc loving a mooch around the shops.

I can't even be bothered to list all the reasons I think you are unreasonable. I hope you have apologised to your mum.

@Moondust001

OMG - I don't know what to believe now....

According to the OP she is a nurse (lacking empathy I guess), her parents are in their 70's and she's planning to adopt another child.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/4169840-do-you-always-need-an-extra-room-to-adopt

I know the parents sold up their farm and moved, but I seriously think they need to consider selling up, moving, and leaving no forwarding address. According to the OP she can't manage looking after her own child and now she wants her parents to look after another one?????

This explains why OP has moved in. Nothing to do with the brother.

It gets worse.

I don't particularly enjoy playing with kids either. Obviously I did with my own but there is an obligation there and I did like reading with them and they got plenty of attention and we did lots of things together. It's not up to your mum to play with her.

Why didn't you play?

How embarrassing for you, OP. If you’re ‘not talking to’ your mother, are you still expecting them to house you and provide free childcare?

It's not that I EXPECT her to play with her!!

Judging by your posts it sounds like do.

YABU OP, very much so. Your mum isn't obliged to play with your daughter, any more than she's obliged to provide childcare. You sound very entitled tbh - you're already getting free childcare and your mum does do nice things for your daughter, maybe try a bit of gratitude instead of complaining. If I was your mum I'd be considering saying there's the door if I'm so awful, tbh.

YABU. Utterly.

Of course you are being unreasonable. Playing with children is dull. You're daughter isn't her child, she has no responsibility to do it. Apologise and enjoy that your daughter and her have fun doing the bits that your mum does enjoy.

You are being very unreasonable and ungrateful by the sounds of it. It’s not up to your mum to entertain your daughter. You should apologise to your mum and lower your expectations.

YABVU.

But I don't get why you moved in with your parents while your brother moved into your flat?

Surely it would make much more sense for your brother to live at home, and for you and DD to move out on your own? Or would that cause issues with all free childcare you're getting?

@sunflowersandbuttercups

YABVU.

But I don't get why you moved in with your parents while your brother moved into your flat?

Surely it would make much more sense for your brother to live at home, and for you and DD to move out on your own? Or would that cause issues with all free childcare you're getting?

The thread posted further up about her needing extra bedrooms shines light on that I think. (That and the freeloading ).

TBF your parents are doing enough having you and your daughter in the house and picking her up etc as it is.

You sound quite entitled and should make the peace seeing as you are living in their house with your child at the age of 44. My IL’s lived 3 hours away so never played with our DC they tried to talk to them and gave them cuddles when they visited but that was about it. My parents lived close by and nor did they play, pick up or babysit. It is hard work bringing up kids and even harder as you get older, you shouldn’t expect your parents to do this they should do it or not do it because they want to.

YABU

Your mother does interract with your daughter in a manner that she is happy with ie. shopping, dogwalks etc. She doesn't have to play boring games too.

Thanks for the replies.
I have apologised to my mum. It just touched a nerve this morning. Tbh it's my dad that doesn't most of the child care, not my mum and I frequently get the feeling from her that she just can't be bothered and isn't interested. I was upset for my daughter this morning and thinking about her feelings.

I guess I can't always be bothered playing with my daughter but make an effort anyway for her sake and I guess I couldn't see why my mum couldn't do the same for 10 minutes! But a lot of you have raised a valid point - it is not harmful for my daughter to play on her own and in fact it's healthy for her to do so

I think you're being a bit pfb about this and definitely unreasonable. I hate playing with kids, even my own! I did other things with them when they were little and they have grown up just fine.

You need to take a step back, look at the big picture and don't make a big deal of this to your DD. If she really is upset about it then you need to manage that by gently explaining that not all grown up like playing but point out all the other ways she's a great Grandmother. Oh and apologise to your mum!

Good for you apologising. I bet once you move out she'll be keener.

Most grandparents are done with having young children in their house 24/7, for good reason.

You seem very ungrateful for all that they are doing for you. Allowing you to live in their home, and watching your child while you work. Being a grandparent is supposed to be a very part-time role.

YABU. And if you are unhappy with the way your daughter is looked after by them, then maybe you should look for alternative childcare.

You have a child, that you chose to have without a father and expect you mum to do things.
Get your own place back from brother and raise your own child.
Simples.

@Heidi3333

Thanks for the replies. I have apologised to my mum. It just touched a nerve this morning. Tbh it's my dad that doesn't most of the child care, not my mum and I frequently get the feeling from her that she just can't be bothered and isn't interested. I was upset for my daughter this morning and thinking about her feelings.

I guess I can't always be bothered playing with my daughter but make an effort anyway for her sake and I guess I couldn't see why my mum couldn't do the same for 10 minutes! But a lot of you have raised a valid point - it is not harmful for my daughter to play on her own and in fact it's healthy for her to do so

How strange you haven't addressed any of the points made.

Your apology is null and void due to this

guess I can't always be bothered playing with my daughter but make an effort anyway for her sake and I guess I couldn't see why my mum couldn't do the same for 10 minute

You clearly still think you're in the right.

I am quite shocked by the amount of time they spend with her. Maybe if it's causing frustration for you that it is on their terms, not yours, you should look at getting some childcare. The time they then CHOOSE to spend with you and her. Perhaps then you wouldn't have this resentment. I get it, my mum utterly refused to play with me, telling me I "ought" to entertain myself etc. It can be very upsetting, those memories of (in my case literally) being pushed aside.

@Heidi3333

Thanks for the replies. I have apologised to my mum. It just touched a nerve this morning. Tbh it's my dad that doesn't most of the child care, not my mum and I frequently get the feeling from her that she just can't be bothered and isn't interested. I was upset for my daughter this morning and thinking about her feelings.

I guess I can't always be bothered playing with my daughter but make an effort anyway for her sake and I guess I couldn't see why my mum couldn't do the same for 10 minutes! But a lot of you have raised a valid point - it is not harmful for my daughter to play on her own and in fact it's healthy for her to do so

Because she's not her mum! It's that simple.

That also applies to many other people. They'll never be as invested as you. The sooner you learn that,the better.

Out of interest OP, why don't YOU do most of the childcare for the child you actively chose and why are you considering another when you can't manage it just now?

Your mum has let your DD live with her. That's pretty massive tbh. I really wouldn't call that cant be bothered

I still don't really understand the situation with your brother. Why on earth he couldn't rent his own flat like everyone else? If your brother isn't paying you rent whos paying your parents rent?

While it may make you sad that your mum doesn't want to play with your DD, this is the perfect opportunity to teach your DD that not everybody likes playing, people don't always want to do things that we'd like them to do, and that it doesn't mean they don't like or love us. It just means we're all different. Your DD will be perfectly fine with that, I am sure. Its a good lesson to learn young actually.