Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

@DIshedUp

Your mum has let your DD live with her. That's pretty massive tbh. I really wouldn't call that cant be bothered

I still don't really understand the situation with your brother. Why on earth he couldn't rent his own flat like everyone else? If your brother isn't paying you rent whos paying your parents rent?

It's in OPs favour to live in a house with extra bedrooms. They've done a switch because it benefits her.

Tbh it's my dad that doesn't most of the child care, not my mum and I frequently get the feeling from her that she just can't be bothered and isn't interested.

You're right, she isn't. She's raised her children, now it's your turn. She's probably counting the days until you get out of her house.

You are totally unreasonable in putting your brother above your own and your daughter's needs.

Tell him he has to move out and then stand on your own two feet.

Some people find playing with small children uninteresting and trying. It doesn't mean they don't like the child. Just don't like playing. Give your mum a break. She's done her bit +++

It's you who has been silly privileging your brother over yourself and your child (and your parents actually).

Is this how it rolls in your family? Your brother is put before everyone else?

I didn't play in that way with my own kids - not everyone enjoys it. If you are 40s then she is likely to be 60s. She still has you at home and a grandchild - let her spend her life as she wants!

You sound like a CF.

Tbh it's my dad that doesn't most of the child care, not my mum and I frequently get the feeling from her that she just can't be bothered and isn't interested.

If she "couldn't be bothered", she wouldn't provide you with free childcare three days a week, or let you and your DD live there rent-free.

If she's in her seventies she probably doesn't have the energy to play. Taking your daughter on outings to the shops or with the dog is actually a lot.

@madroid

You are totally unreasonable in putting your brother above your own and your daughter's needs.

Tell him he has to move out and then stand on your own two feet.

Some people find playing with small children uninteresting and trying. It doesn't mean they don't like the child. Just don't like playing. Give your mum a break. She's done her bit +++

It's you who has been silly privileging your brother over yourself and your child (and your parents actually).

Is this how it rolls in your family? Your brother is put before everyone else?

She isn't.

It suits OP to have a house with more bedrooms for her own agenda. The two of them have done a deal which suits both of them and OP has the audacity to criticise her parents.

@Aquamarine1029

Tbh it's my dad that doesn't most of the child care, not my mum and I frequently get the feeling from her that she just can't be bothered and isn't interested.

You're right, she isn't. She's raised her children, now it's your turn. She's probably counting the days until you get out of her house.

Savage but probably true.

Your mum has no obligation to play or whatever else with your DD, I think that's fair enough really.

@Heidi3333

Thanks for the replies. I have apologised to my mum. It just touched a nerve this morning. Tbh it's my dad that doesn't most of the child care, not my mum and I frequently get the feeling from her that she just can't be bothered and isn't interested. I was upset for my daughter this morning and thinking about her feelings.

I guess I can't always be bothered playing with my daughter but make an effort anyway for her sake and I guess I couldn't see why my mum couldn't do the same for 10 minutes! But a lot of you have raised a valid point - it is not harmful for my daughter to play on her own and in fact it's healthy for her to do so

If you can't be bothered with your DD then why were you spending £7500 having IVF at the beginning of the year?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/infertility/4169852-friend-didn-t-respond-when-i-told-her-about-my-failed-ivf

Blimey. You live with your mum for free. She picks your daughter up 3 times a week and then watches her, also takes her to the shops and for dog walks (presumable a daily occurrence) and you don’t think she’s doing enough my mum babysat my kids once when I had a hospital appointment and once for a funeral. That’s twice. My eldest is 8.

TBH I can never remember either my mother or my grandmother playing with me. I was the kind of child who would play for hours on my own with dolls, train sets, forts, soldiers or even trains! There were lots of male oriented toys at my grans which had belonged to an uncle who died young. My gran was more likely to give me toys or a book rather than actively play with me. She expected me to amuse myself. She did, however teach me many practical things such as how to crochet, make pastry and so on. Not everyone enjoys playing with children.

TBH it should be her parent doing most of the childcare.

I loved being a SAHM to my children and hope one day I'll be a grandparent however I want to be a grandparent not a 7 day a week part-time parent which is what you seem to be expecting from your mum and dad.

I think yabu and it’s a shame to fall out when as you’ve acknowledged, your mum does a lot to help you.
Does your mum get much thanks or appreciation?
I understand you need help with your DD but at the same time, it was your choice to have a child through a donor and your own mum shouldn’t feel like she’s raising your child with you. She should be enjoying being a grandparent and not an honorary parent

@Heidi3333

My parents sold their farm and the beginning for the year and my brother lived with them and couldn't find anywhere to buy for himself. He didn't want to move in with my parents so I asked if I would move in with them instead and he could rent out my flat. I'm only staying with my parents until he finds somewhere else to buy.

That is insane. He already lived with them! Why would you uproot your dd - unless the help with childcare was also a factor. My dc's dgps had a lot of patience with them but they did not live together. Easier to play etc as a visiting granny than a live in one

And to those to say I'm living with my lap rents so I can adopt a child... absolute nonsense! They don't have a spare room so why would. I do that? 🤣.

I wanted to help my brother out. He has children he sees every second weekend so needed more space than my parents house could provide. That's all. No ulterior motives. I don't get extra child care living with my parents. They provided the same amount when I lived in my own flat - it's only 5 minutes away.

No need to trail through my old posts to investigate!

Yabu your very lucky it sounds like you might need to move out and get some more independence.

The difficulty is really only parents have a responsibility towards their children. Any parenting help or relationship other family members and friends offer is entirely on their terms.

This.^^ They're doing a huge amount for you and your DD already, more than either set of GP's have even done for my children (and they're 16 and 12). I'm glad you've apologised to your Mum, just move past it and remind yourself to be grateful that you've got such supportive parents.

That's massively helpful to your db but he's a grown man who should sort it himself.

@Heidi3333

And to those to say I'm living with my lap rents so I can adopt a child... absolute nonsense! They don't have a spare room so why would. I do that? 🤣.

I wanted to help my brother out. He has children he sees every second weekend so needed more space than my parents house could provide. That's all. No ulterior motives. I don't get extra child care living with my parents. They provided the same amount when I lived in my own flat - it's only 5 minutes away.

No need to trail through my old posts to investigate!

OP, there is zero point in trying to present yourself as selfless.

It's totally different for a grandparent living with a child to a child visiting.

What a bizarre set
Yo.

Op YAB utterly U.

I hate playing with kids, so I don't. I don't with my own we did plenty of other stuff instead.
Why didn't You play Lego with her this morning?

Get your brother to move out and move back into your own place.

I think there are many ways to be a loving grandmother and one of them is to be the hands on and get down on the floor and play type. I think it sounds like you want her to be this type and she simply isn't.

She sounds helpful and supportive to you both and like she has her own ways of interacting when the pressure is off such as Chatting during dog walks.

My mother in law is incredibly loving in her GC and thoughtful. But it would never cross her mind to get down on the floor and play. To be honest i dont think she was that sort of mother either. We all accept and love her and she gives in different ways.

@BonAmi45

I just read an old thread of yours where you gave a b&b a bad review because they told you not to put a dirty nappy in their communal bin in a shared bathroom because it stank the entire floor down. I don’t think you can see when you are being really unreasonable.

I remember this! Didn't OP go up several flights of stairs and along a dark corridor so it wasn't stinking her room out?

Just read your other thread, why at the age of 45 are you then planning another child via donor when you cannot provide the basic needs for your existing child by not having your own accommodation? Instead your living rent free and using your parents as a second parent. I'd imagine they would just like to be grandparents, you need to sort this out I imagine your dm is getting frustrated with the situation and lose her temper.