Do you always need an extra room to adopt?

[Heidi3333]

Hi there

I'm 45 and nearing the end of my fertility journey. I don't expect to have any success so am planning on adopting. However, I only have a 2 bedded flat with no spare room (I live with my 4 year old daughter). I know having a spare room is a criteria for adopting.

Has anyone managed to adopt without a spare room? I would buy a 3 bedroom house in the future but Id have to have 2 children sharing a room until then.

Would like to hear others experiences!

[percypetulant]

Yes, you have to have a spare room. The children would need a room each.

Sometimes, exceptions will be made for birth siblings to share, but it's rare.

Could you rent out the flat and rent a three bed? Or put a partition wall up? Or you sleep in the sitting room?

If you want to adopt, you need a spare room.

[Heidi3333]

Thanks Percy.

I couldn't afford to rent a 3 bedroom house and I don't think I could partition anywhere off in my flat 😕. I could afford to buy in a less affluent area but if I did that and then couldn't end up adopting for another reason then I'd be devastated at losing my flat.
I still have 2 fertility treatments to try but I'd be v surprised if they worked. Hopefully they will otherwise I'm not sure where I'll go from there.

[percypetulant]

I hope things work out for you.

[percypetulant]

I must admit, when everyone is piled into our bed, the "own rooms" thing feels a bit ott. But when war breaks out, it's a good idea!

[dimples76]

I think that if you were adopting a baby they would be okay with babyl sharing with you initially and then you sleeping in living room. I agree that they would not be happy with a plan for the children to share from the outset.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I very much doubt they’d place a child with the expectation that they share a room with a birth child for both the children’s well-being.

[Heidi3333]

Thank you for the replies.

I have looked at the application form for adoption in my local area and it doesn't ask about spare rooms. I'll email them and ask their opinion. Not feeling v hopeful but you never know...

[caringcarer]

It might not say on adoption form but SW will ask about bedroom for adoptive child during assessment. It is a must for adoption.

[percypetulant]

I think you'd need to shift your perspective from "how could am adopted child fit in our lives", to"how can our lives fit am adoptive child." They will need their own room. And there will need to be some space between fertility treatment and adoption.

But by all means, hear this from an agency rather than experienced adopters!

[Ted27]

@Heidi3333
perhaps if you understood some of the reasoning behind this

At the most basic level, adopted kids need their own private space where they can feel safe. Can you imagine finding yourself being transplanted into a family and having to share an older child’s room, their room, with their stuff, probably decorated to their tastes and interests, having to establish your place when its dominated by another child.
Your existing child also needs their own space. Bringing an adopted child into the family is not the same as bringing a new born birth sibling home. The transition could be very difficult for them, they need somewhere to retreat to.
Bear in mind also that your child is 4, by the time you get through your fertility treatments, assessment and matching, she could be 7 or 8. On a practical level think about the difficulties of managing two very different bedtime routines would be.
You say you are conncerned about moving and then being turned down for other reasons - what are you concerened about?

[zigzagbetty]

You will need a spare room, we adopted our lg and are unable to adopt a second child as we only have 2 bedrooms. Our social worker keeps contacting us to see if we have moved/converted the attic yet as she wants to match us but we can't afford it. So I am guessing it will be no. This is through local authority though, no idea if different through a private agency. Good luck with your adoption journey if you choose to go ahead

[Heidi3333]

Hi Ted,
Thanks for your helpful reply. I understand what you're saying.
I guess nothing is guaranteed and I have a history of anxiety (was bad after my daughters birth but controlled better now) which I worry might work against me.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

Lots of adopters have had mental health difficulties, especially when you throw infertility into the mix. Well controlled issues aren’t a problem, you’d need to be able to talk openly about what was going on at the time, the kind of support you needed and how you manage your mental health day to day but it’s by no means a barrier to adoption.

@Ted27 is absolutely right re the reasons for each child needing their own space, even a baby should have their own bedroom even though they may sleep in with you in the early days.

While on paper it makes sense that you might adopt a child with a view to moving to a bigger house, you’d need to consider timescales because moving soon after placement isn’t recommended because you’d potentially be moving schools, away from friends and support systems etc. Adopted children often struggle with change and transition and for your own sake you really want things to be as settled and stable as possible post placement.

It sounds like you have time in terms of further fertility treatment to think about your living circumstances - I’d use the time to think through your options if you do decide you’d like to adopt.

[SimonJT]

How big is your bedroom?

We recently converted our biggest bedroom into two decent sized bedrooms, is that an option for you? Or do you have a dining room that could become your bedroom?

If you can’t afford a three bedroom house can you afford a three bed flat, or two bed flat that can be converted?

Have you fully assessed your financial situation? I adopted as a singleton, my son wouldn’t cope if I was working fulltime. Due to the experiences that many adopted children have had for some long days in nursery or wrap around care after school isn’t suitable. If you had to cut your hours would you still manage financially?

I know lockdown has made certain things tricky, but have you been looking into attachment theory etc?

[Heidi3333]

Hi ladies
Thanks for the informative replies.
It's good to know that mental health issues won't necessarily stop me adopting. My anxiety causes me distress, nobody else.

I don't have big enough rooms to split them. It's just a small flat. I love it and have made it very homely so I'd be loathe to sell it until I knew for sure I was able to adopt. I'd hate to sell it for nothing.

I'm a nurse and work part time. My parents watch my daughter until I get home from work after collecting her from nursery. They are in their early 70s though so are getting on a bit.

I emailed my local adoption agency regarding their criteria but haven't heard back yet. I'm planning on having fertility treatment in a few months and then I know you need at least a 6 month break before applying for adoption so I wouldn't be taking things further until the end of the year x

[Ted27]

The ‘criteria’ as such as fairly straightforward, over 21, no criminal convictions involving children. Most agencies will require you to be a non smoker.
Via an assessment you will need to show that you are in a position to support a child, ie financially stable, secure accommodation, in good enough health. Many SWs get focused on BMI.
Particularly as a single adopter they will look very closely at your support network. If you currently rely on your parents for childcare you may need to rethink that and that could have implications for your finances.
You will need to be able to finance a year’s adoption leave.
The next year or so need not be wasted in terms of adoption - research the reasons why children need new families, look at attachment, developmental trauma, conditions such as FASD, ASD, ADHD etc conditions commonly experienced by adopted children.

[rose69]

You may also need to think about what would happen if you stopped work completely as some adopted children do need a parent at home all of the time.

[Heidi3333]

Thanks ladies.
A lot to think about.
Maybe getting a puppy would be easier

[zigzagbetty]

@Heidi3333

Thanks ladies.
A lot to think about.
Maybe getting a puppy would be easier

I wouldn't have a puppy in a small 2 bed flat, hope that was supposed to be a light hearted comment as I am glad it is harder to adopt a child than it is a puppy! 🙄

[Heidi3333]

I was only joking!

[Ted27]

@Heidi3333

have you seen the price of puppies recently?

Over the last 9 years I have often thought a puppy would have been easier. But now he is 16 and he makes a mean cup of tea for his poor old mum, I think I made the right decision

[Jellycatspyjamas]

And puppies never grow out of you needing to pick up their shit - literally where’s mine can at least make their own beds. 😂

[countingthestarswithmini]

Yes you do always need a spare room to adopt/foster. It's crazy though because so many people don't actually have a spare room so potentially a lot of good people miss out on being able to adopt those children in need of a family

[percypetulant]

It's not crazy at all. There are good reasons, as outlined. These kids have lost so much, the very least they deserve is some space to call their very own. Are you an adopter or fosterer?

[confusedabouttheaggression]

Are you an adopter or fosterer? how are you sure she is an adopter or a fosterer?