Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

@Maskedrevenger

I think that you should move out to show how upset you are with your mum and dad only providing 12 hours of free childcare a week thereby stopping you working longer hours, helping you financially, putting a roof over your daughters head and then topping it all by refusing to play with YOUR child while you get peace to eat your breakfast. Preferably before you manage to have another baby which you expect them to provide childcare for. That’ll show them.

I've got friends whose kids are this deluded. It had to be made clear to them that grandparents are not parents. There was much affronted huffing when they realised they'd have to parent their kids or pay for qualified childcare and that Mum and Dad were fully planning to enjoy their retirement (hell, plenty of them were still working themselves and the kids had the cheek to think they'd also provide free childcare regularly) not provide nanny and nursery services.

You want to eat breakfast in peace, don't have kids! Or hire a live-in nanny.

OP has done what is commonly known as s flounce.

@Maskedrevenger

I think that you should move out to show how upset you are with your mum and dad only providing 12 hours of free childcare a week thereby stopping you working longer hours, helping you financially, putting a roof over your daughters head and then topping it all by refusing to play with YOUR child while you get peace to eat your breakfast. Preferably before you manage to have another baby which you expect them to provide childcare for. That’ll show them.

Now now . OP is understanding. She hasn't had another child yet or fucked off on holiday and left the kid like she could have done.

One day Op your daughter may well be stood over you and her daughter demanding to know why you won't play all the time...how do you think you will feel then?

I feel for your parents. What entitled spongers you and your siblings have turned out to be.

Think yourself lucky and value the positives. My DP's are so 'unemotionally available' ( your words OP) that they moved abroad when I had my DC's. ( yes their right to choose).

You are massively unreasonable. You sound like a spoiled brat.you have involved and supportive parents and yet it’s still not good enough. Your mum is doing her best, you need to apologise.

YABU. If you’re 44 then your parents are very old grandparents to a very young child. I imagine your parents are my grandparents’ age (I’m in my 20s and my GP are in their 70s). They’ve allowed you to stay in their home. Your DM doesn’t have to play with your DD 24/7.

@ButeIsle

Think yourself lucky and value the positives. My DP's are so 'unemotionally available' ( your words OP) that they moved abroad when I had my DC's. ( yes their right to choose).

That's one way to get away from it all!

@Fleahopper

I think actively playing with children is quite a recent trend. My mum's generation certainly didn't have time, and I didn't play with my children all that much. What they/we did do though, was spend time with them. Make believe play was between friends and sometimes siblings.

Exactly, you have other stuff that needs doing. I rarely did it

Sorry op I get your frustration but YABU. Your daughter is not your mothers responsibility really. It sounds like your mum and dad both play a good part in her life in different ways. You are likely they do what they do already. She doesn’t have to play with her. Some people simply don’t enjoy playing with their children/grandchildren etc - it doesn’t come naturally to me as a mum. But we have fun otherwise.

In the nicest possible way, you have chosen to be a single parent, chosen to work part time and chosen to move in with your parents and now you are making the obvious challenges surrounding this, your mother’s problem.

I agree, your parents do enough. I guess having a child alone when you were older has perhaps been much harder than you imagined it might be hence your expectation that your parents aren’t doing enough.

Trust me, they are.

Your mum sounds like she does her fair share, 'playing' is not for everyone. I think 'heartbreaking' is very dramatic, be grateful they help you as much as they do. Yabvu

I have a BA in Childhood studies and playing with children is not my strong suit. Of rather makes use they have all their needs met. I think when my husband and I have children he will be the fun parent and I will be the responsible one.

There is nothing wrong with your worries. Trust me, I thought that there was something wrong with me for ages. The issue is that you put a lot of value in play why probably its your mum who changes and feeds her. I wouldn't know. Some people are just not keen on playing with children children that's OK. We all have unique gifts and that should be valued and strengthened. Work on the positives. If your dad can keep her entertained that's great!

You’re being unreasonable. It’s fine for granny not want to do Lego. Granny can easily do some actives she finds more interesting with your DD like baking together or DIY together or gardening together.

YABU

@Acs07

I have a BA in Childhood studies and playing with children is not my strong suit. Of rather makes use they have all their needs met. I think when my husband and I have children he will be the fun parent and I will be the responsible one.

There is nothing wrong with your worries. Trust me, I thought that there was something wrong with me for ages. The issue is that you put a lot of value in play why probably its your mum who changes and feeds her. I wouldn't know. Some people are just not keen on playing with children children that's OK. We all have unique gifts and that should be valued and strengthened. Work on the positives. If your dad can keep her entertained that's great!

Lots of spelling issues. Sorry. My mobile is set in different languages and it likes to have its own opinion on grammar.

Sounds like your mother goes above and beyond. Time for you to star playing with your daughter.

I'm the same age as you OP and am nana to a almost 4 year old. My DPs are in their 70s, never in a million years would my daughter dream of asking them to look after my GS, ever, never mind regularly. You are massively taking the piss out of your parents - let them be grandparents - they're not your (unpaid) staff!

I see a man on my road regularly with his GS, the man must be late 70s, early 80s yet he has his toddler GS most days. I often wonder what sort of people his children must be to think it's fair enough to leave a toddler with him everyday, and here you are 😂

It's not their fault you have had your daughter late (probably not yours either tbf) but your choices shouldn't become their burden, they should be enjoying their retirement and doing the nice bits of grand-parenting. You're a CF criticising your mum.

Honestly I'm cringing so hard at your dependence on your parents - you're in your 40s!!

I bet your mum made your breakfast too 🙄

you have fallen into seeing your parents as your personal staff, but unpaid of course. and by extension to do the same waiting upon your daughter. what a bad example to her. let her learn to amuse herself.
quite rightly your mother is resisting being cast in that role.

She does enough.
On a good day any kid can be tedious to play with. Adults aren't there to entertain kids. Kids should engage in imaginative play generally. I was told this with my first and it really taught me a lot after messing around, trying to be 'the entertainer ' with my eldest.
You're lucky to have the help you have.
Yabu.

Well, OP sounds like quite the piece of work.

I bet her parents are sorry they raised an entitled princess/brat. And that is putting it mildly.

Before you even think about having another child:

1. Move back into your flat and pay for childcare. Your DP are basically looking after your DD 24/7.

1. Your DB needs to find a flat to rent.

You’re around my parents’ age and your self-entitled comments are so embarrassing.

You should be encouraging your DD to be able to play on her own. There's absolutely no reason why she should be having to have an adult to play with her all the time. And I get why your mum didn't want to. YABVVU.

Why pay the mortgage but let your brother stay rent free , whilst you live with your parents , thats a bit. strange
Everyone has said your mum does a lot and its ok not to want to play , maybe explain to your daughter and then no hurt feelings