Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

You just sound so entitled sadly .. you have an abundance of support and should be grateful for it.

If your parents are 70 they should be enjoying a slower pace of life .. not playing with 5 year olds on demand!

I own my own flat, my own car and have a stable job as a nurse. I could earn a lot more if I worked full time but I don't want to burden my parents with kore childcare than they already provide.

Are you ACTUALLY for real?! You do realise your parents don't owe you ANY childcare, and if you were to work full time it doesn't HAVE to come from your parents?! Your sense of entitlement is utterly astounding, so your dad is rich and you buy your food so your parents should just be grateful I guess...

You're just not getting it, are you, OP?

Your dd is your responsibility, nobody else's. Your mother isn't under obligation to do anything.

It sounds like your parents actually do loads to help, but you obviously take this for granted and just expect more...

Your updates on how much help you receive (and give) within your family makes it ever less understandable that you were wanting more from your DM.

Your father is getting a very good press here, your mother not so much. Is it possible that DF didn't have much time to be involved with his DC so is catching up with DGC? Perhaps your DM feels she did more hands on when raising her own DC and is enjoying being able to do only the parts she enjoys.

You are the unreasonable one here. You are middle aged and expect your parents to provide childcare and whine because they are not meeting your expectations . Parents help is a bonus not an entitlement. You should have thought this through before going down the route you have. You are extremely cheeky and should be immensely greatful for the help you are getting.

I'm actually lost for words. This is a classic example of doing so much for someone and they still find something to complain about.

How about you go full time and take responsibility (and pay for) your own childcare, OP? Or at least for the extra days? How come you think you're doing your parents a favour by not working full time to save THEM doing the extra childcare?

This thread gets more bizarre by the minute. It's like you don't see your child as your responsibility at all.

I’m starting to think your mum is used to your tantrums @Heidi3333 😂😂

It's like you don't see your child as your responsibility at all.

I agree with this. Your expectations of your parents are excessive. If they want to help, that's lovely, but you have no right to demand more than they choose to offer.

You are the parent. They have done their parenting already.

YABVU you live with them. Why should you mum entertain YOUR child all the time? If she wants to go on Facebook in her own house then she should. It sounds like she does enough already.

My mum doesn't "play" with my 2 kids either. But she reads books with them, makes cakes with them, takes them in the garden to plant stuff with her, takes them on walks, gives them baths and makes them meals. She is fab with them, and they adore her.
She wouldn't however, want to play Lego with them at crack-of-dawn-o'clock either.
I think you're being V-unreasonable.

Who paid for the flat and car and your uni as well as your baby and your rent ?

I wonder.

@Crowsandshivers

YABVU you live with them. Why should you mum entertain YOUR child all the time? If she wants to go on Facebook in her own house then she should. It sounds like she does enough already.

She has to request OPs permission 5-7 working days in advance.

How come you think you're doing your parents a favour by not working full time to save THEM doing the extra childcare?

Whilst the entire family appear to also freeload off the parents, which is perfectly ok because they are millionaires as well now.

I'm not sure that bizarre is the word that I am going for. Incredible, implausible, far-fetched....

@Heidi3333

Actually I still pay for my mortgage and council tax on my flat. All my brother pays are the bills on my flat. I feel for my daughter that her granny doesn't want to play with her. It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her. THATs why I reacted the way I did. It's not that I EXPECT her to play with her!!

It doesn't mean she can't be bothered with her!!! Don't be so silly.

I didn't play with my grandchildren but they are well aware that I love them.

I read them stories, cuddle them. Sit with them and watch TV. Cook and care for them.

But I hate playing - especially make-believe.

my parents were fully supportive of my decision. To have a baby by using donor sperm and they are fully supportive of me trying for a sibling. I have tried twice since my daughter was born , sadly both times were unsuccessful. My Dad even leant me the cash for one I found cycle.

Will you be expecting your 70 year old parents to care for a newborn too? Do you have savings for when you have to take maternity leave? If your parents house wasn't large enough for your DB to see his kids every two weeks then how will it be large enough for you and two DC to live there permanently?

my brother lived on a cottage in the farm and was left homeless when my parents sold up. That's why he's in my flat. I'm helping him out until he finds his own place.

He wasn't left homeless, he could be wherever you are now, he chose not to.

my mum is a good granny in many ways and loves her grandkids but she is resentful of doing anything extra than she does, she's always been like that and the same with my neices too. She would often call my brother demanding he come home straight away from a shopping trip if he was a bit late while she was watching my niece.

SHE DOESN'T NEED TO DO ANY AT ALL. You don't seem to be getting that.

@RosesAndHellebores

You live with your parents who provide childcare after school when you are at work. They also take your dd out and presumably give you some breaks.

I think you need to apologise unreservedly to your mother. I also hope you do half the housework and meal prep and contribute financially.

^^ Exactly this! It sounds as though your parents give plenty of support already. “Much wants more”

Work full time and move out of your mums and dads house and pay for all of your own childcare and then see if you would like another child. You seem to act like a child and can only raise your own daughter with the help from your parents. What was stopping you from playing with your own daughter?

Your parents provide you with a home, and free child care which allows you to carry on working. Your DM takes your DD shopping and does the type of things she enjoys, and your dad plays with her...and you get arsey because your DM doesn't want to 'play' with your DD? Your parents have done their parenting. They are under no obligation to their grandchild, and anything you get is a bonus, yet you complain your DM doesn't 'play' in a way that suits you?

You chose to have a child therefore you are unreasonable and entitled with capital letters.

Tell your dm she needs to join MN pretty sharpish, op.

Maybe I seem entitled but my parents were always fully supportive of my plans.

My dd is still at nursery. They watch her from 4-8pm 3 days a week. (12 hours). I have her all the time I have annual leave.

I have friends whose parents provide waaaay more child care and are happy to do it. Maybe that's why I get annoyed. Some of my friends go on holiday for 2 weeks and leave their children with the grandma parents. I'd never do that!

I don't think it's unreasonable for my mum to occasionally play with her granddaughter when's she's asked - not by me, but by my daughter. If she refused sometimes I'd understand but she nearly ALWAYS refuses. I don't think that's a nice way to treat yiur grandchild and I hope I make a bit more effort with any future grandchildren.

Anyway, thanks for the replies but I'm signing out now. You have all given me something to think about.

how utterly selfish you are OP!
what made you think you had a right to have a child when you clearly are not a responsible parent????

you never should have had a child that you cannot afford and expect others to help drag up......you chose to have a child and never gave two shits about your finances - you don't even have the intelligence to charge your brother full rent so it covers your mortgage and financial responsibilities!!!!!

yet you expect you parents - who have done their time taking care of children and the boring shitty things that go with it - to take on YOUR responsibilities!!!!?????

your brother is not your responsibility and he can rent a flat of his own and you can move back into your own home and start acting like the 'responsible parent' you think you are.

Typical failure to launch your lack any independence is astonishing your 45 for godsake your closer to 50 and what's worse is there other 40 old son is living with them aswell.

Reminds me of this

I don’t think it’s right for any of us to cast aspersions on OP’s domestic and family arrangements. She says they are all happy with it and we have to take her word for it...she would know after all.

I think her mum hates playing like I do. I’d be shooing her away with her Lego too. No...no...granny’s busy, off you go....