Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

@Moondust001

OMG - I don't know what to believe now....

According to the OP she is a nurse (lacking empathy I guess), her parents are in their 70's and she's planning to adopt another child.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/4169840-do-you-always-need-an-extra-room-to-adopt

I know the parents sold up their farm and moved, but I seriously think they need to consider selling up, moving, and leaving no forwarding address. According to the OP she can't manage looking after her own child and now she wants her parents to look after another one?????

She was 45 in the adoption thread, but is now only 44 ..........

She was 45 in the adoption thread, but is now only 44 ..........

Yes, I noticed that both she and her daughter seemed to hover around different ages in an interesting fashion. She also appeared to be living in her flat in last month, so since the parents gave up the farm before then, I was wondering where brother had been living in the interim and also how the hell her parents had time to previously do so much (as outlined on previous threads) childcare and farm as well.

But I am sure there is a perfectly logical and reasonable explanation. Possibly short term memory loss due to playing with Lego.

I'm glad to see that you apologised. Your mum does more than enough. I'm a grandmother. I enjoy all sorts of things like stories and walks, but quite honestly my days of playing games are over. I don't enjoy it now and never really did.
I assume the situation with your brother and your flat felt like the right thing at the time, but I imagine it's a difficult dynamic living as a parent yourself with your own parents. Difficult for all of you.

Yes

I hate playing with my children and always have. I do other things though. I read to them, cook with them, take them to the park, do homework with them.

I let my husband do the playing.

So, yes I think you are unreasonable. It sounds like your mum does a lot and now you’re criticising her.

I guess I can't always be bothered playing with my daughter but make an effort anyway for her sake and I guess I couldn't see why my mum couldn't do the same for 10 minutes!

You're the parent. It's your job. Your parents don't have to help out with your dc at all, but actually, it sounds like they do a lot.

You sound a bit demanding and entitled, I'm afraid. Best to teach your dd that the world doesn't revolve around her wants.

Yes you are being completely and utterly, twatishly, unreasonable. Your parents are letting you, a 44 year old woman, live with them, providing childcare and you're dictating your mum play with your child. Read back through your post, it's unbelievable.

There is no point in a half arsed passive aggressive apology. OP thinks she's right.

@Heidi3333 I would address the need for another child op given the current circumstances described even in your other thread you stated you would adopt if you were unsuccessful but would that be the right thing to do? Your post seems very centred around your own needs and wants. Adopting is very challenging the needs of the adoptive child is paramount, it maybe they are older and have had a rough start. I can't imagine a social worker signing off on an adoption with the current circumstances you describe.

Yabu, you’ve taken it to heart and feel offended on behalf of your child so your angry and defensive, that’s understandable but you are in the wrong.

Don’t most people have families like this anyone? One adult who always gives time and attention and one adult that always gives toys and materialistic things. Seems normal, no one is a perfect all rounder!

Of course you don’t want to do things but do for your child’s sake, you are the parent! Not your mum! You don’t seem to have a grasp on what’s realistic!

Hi just to clarify a few points

• my parents were fully supportive of my decision. To have a baby by using donor sperm and they are fully supportive of me trying for a sibling. I have tried twice since my daughter was born , sadly both times were unsuccessful. My Dad even leant me the cash for one I found cycle.
• I'm not a freeloader. I buy all my food and offered to pay my parents rent when I moved in but they refused. My Dad is a millionaire since selling his farm so I'm don't really think I'm leaving them short.
• I own my own flat, my own car and have a stable job as a nurse. I could earn a lot more if I worked full time but I don't want to burden my parents with kore childcare than they already provide.
• my brother lived on a cottage in the farm and was left homeless when my parents sold up. That's why he's in my flat. I'm helping him out until he finds his own place.
• my mum is a good granny in many ways and loves her grandkids but she is resentful of doing anything extra than she does, she's always been like that and the same with my neices too. She would often call my brother demanding he come home straight away from a shopping trip if he was a bit late while she was watching my niece.
• we are a v close family and my other brother still lives with them age 40! Yes it may seem weird to some but my parents say they like having us around.

It is a mums resentment that I find annoying. But I have told my daughter not to bother asking granny to play with her so there won't be a problem with this from now on 😀

my mum is a good granny in many ways and loves her grandkids but she is resentful of doing anything extra than she does, she's always been like that and the same with my neices too. She would often call my brother demanding he come home straight away from a shopping trip if he was a bit late while she was watching my niece.

So what?! She doesn't have to do FA for you all. Plenty of people don't. They did their part with their own kids and don't want to do it again with anyone else's. You know she's resentful but expect them to provide you with more childcare for another kid?

I bloody hate playing games and crap like that. I did with my own kids as much as possible because they are my kids; not someone else's. I didn't expect anyone to do so other than paid childcare by professionals who've chosen it as a job.

You still think you're right. Time for you to go back to your flat, I'd say if I were your mum. I'll have had enough of stroppy passive aggression once I get through the teen years to ever put up with that again. Your sense of entitlement is staggering.

She's YOUR child, not your mum's and they do enough for her as it is.

Seems like your mum gives a fair bit of practical support already. Not everyone finds playing Lego with a toddler enchanting. Your daughter seems to have a lovely life. Apologise to your mum for being so precious and move on

I would be hugely resentful if I were your mum too

@LaceyBetty

I would be hugely resentful if I were your mum too

I would, too. I'm so done with all that I avoided meeting friends who had children later than I did or were younger if it involved toddlers and pre-schoolers. Just really couldn't be doing with all that soft play and shite again.

@Heidi3333

Hi just to clarify a few points

• my parents were fully supportive of my decision. To have a baby by using donor sperm and they are fully supportive of me trying for a sibling. I have tried twice since my daughter was born , sadly both times were unsuccessful. My Dad even leant me the cash for one I found cycle.
• I'm not a freeloader. I buy all my food and offered to pay my parents rent when I moved in but they refused. My Dad is a millionaire since selling his farm so I'm don't really think I'm leaving them short.
• I own my own flat, my own car and have a stable job as a nurse. I could earn a lot more if I worked full time but I don't want to burden my parents with kore childcare than they already provide.
• my brother lived on a cottage in the farm and was left homeless when my parents sold up. That's why he's in my flat. I'm helping him out until he finds his own place.
• my mum is a good granny in many ways and loves her grandkids but she is resentful of doing anything extra than she does, she's always been like that and the same with my neices too. She would often call my brother demanding he come home straight away from a shopping trip if he was a bit late while she was watching my niece.
• we are a v close family and my other brother still lives with them age 40! Yes it may seem weird to some but my parents say they like having us around.

It is a mums resentment that I find annoying. But I have told my daughter not to bother asking granny to play with her so there won't be a problem with this from now on 😀

You sound worse with every update OP.

You still think you’re right and that your mum should want to play with Lego at breakfast.
“But I have told my daughter not to bother asking granny to play with her so there won't be a problem with this from now on.”
There wasn’t a problem with this in the first place...whether you grudgingly accept that granny doesn’t want to play or not. The problem is yours alone.

It’s not going in...we can’t help you any more.

She would often call my brother demanding he come home straight away from a shopping trip if he was a bit late while she was watching my niece.

So he was having his contact weekend and dumped his kid on his mum to go shopping.

Bet she's sick of being used as childcare and then pulled up when she doesn't provide nanny quality sterling service.

You chose to have your daughter with no father in the picture, now you expect your parents to provide you both with a home and free childcare.

Yes, there is a very selfish and self-centred mother on the scene; but it's not your Mum. Look closer in the mirror.

OP your statement about what a good egg you are for not working extra days as to not give your mother more childcare is laughable .

If she is resentful, it's because of the position you and her brother put her in ,when she doesn't want to .

But tbh, I don't think she is. She's simply playing to her own tune and prioritising her needs first.

I would resent you hassling me into bloody playing too. Bog off.

YABU. Playing with kids is really, really boring. I'd throw myself to the lions for my daughter, but sometimes I'd also rather throw myself to the lions than play bloody trains with her again.

@Butwasitherdriveway

OP your statement about what a good egg you are for not working extra days as to not give your mother more childcare is laughable .

Totally! I missed that gem. What a good daughter OP is!