Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

@Heidi3333

Hi just to clarify a few points

• my parents were fully supportive of my decision. To have a baby by using donor sperm and they are fully supportive of me trying for a sibling. I have tried twice since my daughter was born , sadly both times were unsuccessful. My Dad even leant me the cash for one I found cycle.
• I'm not a freeloader. I buy all my food and offered to pay my parents rent when I moved in but they refused. My Dad is a millionaire since selling his farm so I'm don't really think I'm leaving them short.
• I own my own flat, my own car and have a stable job as a nurse. I could earn a lot more if I worked full time but I don't want to burden my parents with kore childcare than they already provide.
• my brother lived on a cottage in the farm and was left homeless when my parents sold up. That's why he's in my flat. I'm helping him out until he finds his own place.
• my mum is a good granny in many ways and loves her grandkids but she is resentful of doing anything extra than she does, she's always been like that and the same with my neices too. She would often call my brother demanding he come home straight away from a shopping trip if he was a bit late while she was watching my niece.
• we are a v close family and my other brother still lives with them age 40! Yes it may seem weird to some but my parents say they like having us around.

It is a mums resentment that I find annoying. But I have told my daughter not to bother asking granny to play with her so there won't be a problem with this from now on 😀

Maybe your mum's just had enough!

She brought up you and your brother and presumably had some farm duties?

Now she does childcare (very kindly) and it needs to be on HER terms not yours.

Will you expect her to look after any further children you might have or will you put your hand in your pocket and pay for childcare?

You are very entitled and very ungrateful

Yabvu, I think living with your parents and them babysitting her 3 days a week is already going well over any above. I think you need to be a lot more grateful and apologise to your mother who deserves to be enjoying her elder years after having already brought up her own children.

For fuck’s sake. Playing sucks! Can you not understand that?!

@pictish

I don’t think it’s right for any of us to cast aspersions on OP’s domestic and family arrangements. She says they are all happy with it and we have to take her word for it...she would know after all.

I think her mum hates playing like I do. I’d be shooing her away with her Lego too. No...no...granny’s busy, off you go....

But obviously her mum isn't happy with it all. The OP talks about her resentment, that's not being happy with the arrangements.

@Heidi3333

Maybe I seem entitled but my parents were always fully supportive of my plans.

My dd is still at nursery. They watch her from 4-8pm 3 days a week. (12 hours). I have her all the time I have annual leave.

I have friends whose parents provide waaaay more child care and are happy to do it. Maybe that's why I get annoyed. Some of my friends go on holiday for 2 weeks and leave their children with the grandma parents. I'd never do that!

I don't think it's unreasonable for my mum to occasionally play with her granddaughter when's she's asked - not by me, but by my daughter. If she refused sometimes I'd understand but she nearly ALWAYS refuses. I don't think that's a nice way to treat yiur grandchild and I hope I make a bit more effort with any future grandchildren.

Anyway, thanks for the replies but I'm signing out now. You have all given me something to think about.

I do hope so!

Your DD is in nursery, she gets lots of play there.

You owe your mother an apology

@Heidi3333

Maybe I seem entitled but my parents were always fully supportive of my plans.

My dd is still at nursery. They watch her from 4-8pm 3 days a week. (12 hours). I have her all the time I have annual leave.

I have friends whose parents provide waaaay more child care and are happy to do it. Maybe that's why I get annoyed. Some of my friends go on holiday for 2 weeks and leave their children with the grandma parents. I'd never do that!

I don't think it's unreasonable for my mum to occasionally play with her granddaughter when's she's asked - not by me, but by my daughter. If she refused sometimes I'd understand but she nearly ALWAYS refuses. I don't think that's a nice way to treat yiur grandchild and I hope I make a bit more effort with any future grandchildren.

Anyway, thanks for the replies but I'm signing out now. You have all given me something to think about.

So it's another one of those threads where the OP specifically comes on to MN to ask if she is in the wrong. The vast majority of people respond to say, yes, actually, she is completely in the wrong. The OP then explains why she isn't wrong at all and why she is being completely reasonable.

So what was the point of the thread?

Yabu I'm afraid grandparents have no "obligation" to their grandchildren. She's your baby, not there's.
I get that it's not nice, but she's already helping you out a lot. Count your blessings.

I'd much rather look after grandkids for 2 weeks occasionally than a daily commitment which is much more stifling and monotonous, hence not being up to playing. I'm sure if you moved out and only had them look after her occasionally than your mum might naturally want to be more hands on.

I could earn a lot more if I worked full time but I don't want to burden my parents with kore childcare than they already provide.

never crossed your mind to PAY for child care instead of burdening your parents.

christ you sound so deluded, about how this affects your parents.

I wouldnt want to play that much tbh if I was looking after her that much but would do for short spells. I don't think its that bad of her, as long as your dd is well cared for and safe that's the main thing surely?

@Heidi3333

Maybe I seem entitled but my parents were always fully supportive of my plans.

My dd is still at nursery. They watch her from 4-8pm 3 days a week. (12 hours). I have her all the time I have annual leave.

I have friends whose parents provide waaaay more child care and are happy to do it. Maybe that's why I get annoyed. Some of my friends go on holiday for 2 weeks and leave their children with the grandma parents. I'd never do that!

I don't think it's unreasonable for my mum to occasionally play with her granddaughter when's she's asked - not by me, but by my daughter. If she refused sometimes I'd understand but she nearly ALWAYS refuses. I don't think that's a nice way to treat yiur grandchild and I hope I make a bit more effort with any future grandchildren.

Anyway, thanks for the replies but I'm signing out now. You have all given me something to think about.

You don't seem entitled. You ARE entitled. I feel so sorry for your poor mum and your poor daughter

I think it’s perfectly understandable, playing with kids is mind numbing! You get 12 hours childcare a week, you have absolutely no reason to feel hard done by.

Maybe I seem entitled but my parents were always fully supportive of my plans.

When you decided to have your DD you weren't living full time with them.

I have friends whose parents provide waaaay more child care and are happy to do it. Maybe that's why I get annoyed. Some of my friends go on holiday for 2 weeks and leave their children with the grandma parents. I'd never do that!

Do they live full time rent free with their parents? Do their parents give them money?

I don't think it's unreasonable for my mum to occasionally play with her granddaughter when's she's asked - not by me, but by my daughter. If she refused sometimes I'd understand but she nearly ALWAYS refuses. I don't think that's a nice way to treat yiur grandchild and I hope I make a bit more effort with any future grandchildren.

You don't even like playing with your own child, nevermind any future grandchildren.

Out of interest why do you want a child on your own so badly but then when you have not prepared to have full responsibility of that child? Your taking advantage of your elderly parents and wanting to add another, parenting when older is harder my dbro is a dad at 42 and is exhausted nm your parents who are 70 caring for your dd so regularly.

Wow @Heidi3333 entitled much!

Your DM has done her parenting. In fact she’s still parenting you and your DB. It’s not her job to care for your DD at all, let alone play with her. Your expectations are extraordinarily unreasonable.

And I laughed out loud at your hilarious example of how unreasonable you think your DM is: you are outraged that your DM expected your DB to collect his D.C. on time rather than carry on shopping. Seriously, both you and your DB seem to think your DM’s job is to do your childcare when you can’t be bothered. It’s not.

I like the sound of your DM - it’s not unreasonable for her to refuse to be your doormat.

YABVU - apologise, buy her flowers, and start saying thank you a lot more.

I don't think it's unreasonable for my mum to occasionally play with her granddaughter when's she's asked - not by me, but by my daughter.

It is if she hates doing it. She’s not avoiding spending time with your daughter, just particular activities she does not enjoy.

I had close relationship with both my grandmothers and one of my grandfathers and I cannot remember either playing with me much or at all. I’d go to stay with them, help with jobs, go on outings and walks, bake with them and learned how to cook, one grandmother taught me the basics of woodcarving. They were all things that they enjoyed doing and I’m so grateful that I got the chance to know them better through their own hobbies and interests during my childhood, rather than them masking themselves and bending to my wants.

You have a chance here to help your daughter grow into a thoughtful, empathetic person - but not by telling her ‘not to bother’ asking Granny to play. By doing that you’re emphasising her own needs. But by explaining that it’s not fair or kind to keeping asking Granny to do things she doesn’t enjoy, rather than things that she likes to do.

You never know, with a bit of give and take Granny might be a bit more willing to play from time to time. But currently the dynamic is take-take-take. Five is plenty old enough to learn to give.

Your dm clearly stated she's done enough babysitting and expressed your taking advantage in your demands. Poor woman maybe just wants to relax in her own home without entertaining your 5 year old because you can't be bothered.

Maybe I seem entitled but my parents were always fully supportive of my plans.

To have kids on your own, not to be the default second parent.

You don't just seem entitled, you are, a lot. And you want to load another one on them? I hope they get a backbone, or your mother does, and make it clear you move out and do the parenting on your own.

Your parents have the patience of saints and you're so entitled it's unbelievable.

So what about your friends, you are the one who chose to be a parent on your own.

Playing sucks and you as a parent should be steering your child away when she pesters for playing and doing it yourself, you're her mother.

If I make it to my 70s I don't want to spend it playing Lego at the crack of dawn with a live-in pre-schooler. My idea of hell.

You say they only provide 12hours and friends get more but you do realise many get less, don’t you? We’ve never had any help ever not even when in labour with the younger ones. No babysitters ever, no help with childcare; nothing. I know quite a few couples who get help but also quite a few who get very little. One friend has her retired parents around the corner but they’ll babysit maybe twice or three times a year max. They just don’t want to do it as they’re too busy with their own life. Both children were in full time nursery then school wraparound as there was no suggestion her parents would regularly commit to helping with childcare. Her parents do pop around regularly and they’re very loving they just don’t want the responsibility of looking after the kids. Ours were never really interested.

All that aside, I actively loathed playing with my daughter when she was 5-10. I’d tolerate it in short bursts but I hated it. All the dolls and bracelet making and bloody loom bands etc. I love teenagers though and we are much closer now she’s 17. I’ll really miss her when she goes to university. Little children are boring and annoying, especially lots of the games my daughter wanted to play. The boys are more into playing outside so football and archery etc which I can get on board with. Anyway, my point is that as a mother I hated playing with my young child but it doesn’t detract from how much I love them. Your mum just doesn’t like playing, it’s no big deal.

I agree with what some others have said, your parents do more than enough for you already be grateful! You chose to be a mother, your responsibility to play with your daughter!

I think actively playing with children is quite a recent trend. My mum's generation certainly didn't have time, and I didn't play with my children all that much. What they/we did do though, was spend time with them. Make believe play was between friends and sometimes siblings.

@Heidi3333

Maybe I seem entitled but my parents were always fully supportive of my plans.

My dd is still at nursery. They watch her from 4-8pm 3 days a week. (12 hours). I have her all the time I have annual leave.

I have friends whose parents provide waaaay more child care and are happy to do it. Maybe that's why I get annoyed. Some of my friends go on holiday for 2 weeks and leave their children with the grandma parents. I'd never do that!

I don't think it's unreasonable for my mum to occasionally play with her granddaughter when's she's asked - not by me, but by my daughter. If she refused sometimes I'd understand but she nearly ALWAYS refuses. I don't think that's a nice way to treat yiur grandchild and I hope I make a bit more effort with any future grandchildren.

Anyway, thanks for the replies but I'm signing out now. You have all given me something to think about.

Op, you don't have your daughter all the time though apart from 12 hours . You live in her house!! Il give you credit for appearing to seem hard done by though - each post is another dig at what your mother doesn't do.

I think that you should move out to show how upset you are with your mum and dad only providing 12 hours of free childcare a week thereby stopping you working longer hours, helping you financially, putting a roof over your daughters head and then topping it all by refusing to play with YOUR child while you get peace to eat your breakfast. Preferably before you manage to have another baby which you expect them to provide childcare for.
That’ll show them.

I don't enjoy playtime with my grandchildren either but I do read with them and play games just not with toys IYSWIM. Some of us just aren't into playing! Your DF seems to be good at it though so give your DM a break please.

Do your parents want to do the childcare?

I was single when I had my dd and her dad has never been around, I'm also a nurse so similar scenario. We lived with my mum for the first 3 years of dds life, I went back to work when dd was 7 months old part-time. I never had any expectation that my mum would provide any childcare, she loves my dd and will do anything for her but she's not a childminder.

I paid for childcare right the way through until dd was old enough not to need it anymore.

You do sound entitled op.

If my dd had been on at my mum to play with her I'd of told her to stop annoying nanny and play by herself. I'd rather put pins in my eyes than play Lego and I'm sure my mum would have similar feelings.