My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

Your children are now going to be always terrified of her. Always. You seem to have forgotten what that felt like when you were a child. I think you need counseling because you are failing to address the seriousness of this. Your son needs medical attention. Now. Not tomorrow. Your children need to know that you will love and protect them. And you need to stop pretending your mum is lovely. There is something very wrong with her, and if she won't get help, you have to cut contact.

No contact ever again from me too

@KevinTheBird

Thanks whitecup4 that’s a really helpful comment

Siblings are both horrified. I know it’s stupid but she hasn’t done it for so long and has always treated dc so very differently to how she treated us.

What sort of 'helpful comment' would you like?

Reassurance that all would be well? That she'd never do it again? That she's a lovely mum really?

Well, you've come to the wrong place. Here you'll get it straight.

She abused you. She abused your siblings. And now she's abused your child.

Where's your father?

I’m hoping you’ve exaggerated the injuries, otherwise take him to hospital now

I know I should probably cut all contact with her but I genuinely don’t think I could. She’s my mum and she always will be. I just can’t believe she hurt him

I actually understand this, having gone NC with a parent. They are still a part of you, and part of you wants to have that relationship with them. But you have to choose now- your childs' welfare, or your mum. You can't really have both, the only possible other solution would be to see her without your dc, if that is an option.
Have you considered counselling for your own issues stemming from your childhood?
Put yourself back in that frightened childs shoes at the rail station. Did you wish someone, anyone would come and scoop you up and take you home and make it better? Be that person for your child. x

Your mum is a child abusing bully and you need to protect your children the way your father clearly never protected you. Do better.
In their day, just like my similar, abusing shitbag of a mother, SS didn't get called, and kids like us flew under the radar, like you say being left to "walk on eggshells". Imagine if you left your children at a station that hysterical that a police officer intervened- you wouldn't just be allowed to walk off with them, you'd rightly be investigated.
Your mum assaulted a child. Her grandchild no less.
And damn straight she would not set foot near my children ever again.
She clearly refuses to admit when she acts appallingly. Seriously. Get rid. Call the police and possibly adult social care team, and protect your children.

I think I'll be chasing her down the street with a broken bottle in my hand

I know it’s been said but please get his injury checked out. There are so many important tendons in the hands that any injury should be assessed. It doesn’t take much to have long term implications.

Bloody hell

@DeeCeeCherry

I'm wondering generally if Mumsnet need to add a trigger warning? How is that done?

You report the post and ask for one

What a cow she is OP. Its almost like the symptoms of Munchausens by Proxy (although I don't think thats recognised any more). But she has past form for this type of harming others and denying responsiblity behaviour.

Do you think theres any possibility she might have done this to any third parties? Did she work?

And if it's his hand that's cut, was he putting it up to protect himself as she went to hit him/

Imagine how terrified your son is going to be every time you (or he?) has to have contact with her. He's going to be so scared of what she'll do, to him, to his brother, to you. Don't put him in that situation. Cut her off.

I feel sorry for your kids. If they were adults, they'd report her to the Police for ABH. It was a deliberate act fgs. He needs proper medical help and if the truth comes out, SS would get involved. Such a cut is likely to leave a scar and it's likely that he might mention how he got it, if not now but in the future.

I just don’t understand how there can be any “normal” again after this; how this horrifying incident could possibly be absorbed in any way into your and your children’s lives. Something like this surely marks the end point for any future relationship between you and your mother and the children and their grandmother. Some things are too bad to try to forgive and I think trying to would cause such a distortion of your sense of morality and love of your children that it would cause you huge stress and emotional suffering. Let her go - some things don’t have a remedy.

This wasn't a kneejerk slap or spank (not that that is ok either IMO), but something far more sinister.
If I've understood correctly, she would have had to go and pick up the broken frame from the ground and directly hit him with it?
Presumably he blocked it with his hand?
That's unforgivable.

@KevinTheBird but your still choosing a relationship with her over the welfare of your child. What mother does that??

OP, please think of the message you are sending your son if you continue to take him round to see her. He trusts you and you are choosing to take him in to an environment where he could well be hurt again

I had a mother like this. Fortunately, like your siblings, we lived a distance away from her. And never ever did I leave my children with her. But even so, now that my kids are adults, they tell me that they were never comfortable around her, and slightly feared her. Yet I have never told them what sort of mother she was to my DB and me.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if someone has already said this. I would normally report it to the police, but presumably you were breaking rules by seeing her at all? If not and she's in your bubble, then you weren't, but I think it makes any case a bit flimsy (because onus on you to explain why you chose to bubble with her in the first place).

It sounds almost psychotic, if she's becoming violent in a rage and then having no memory of the episode. I hope your son's OK.

What an awful day for you. Very sorry you have to deal with this shit.

Your instinct was SPOT ON. It's hard to believe how totally confusing it is to say "she's my mum" and "I don't trust her to be alone with my kid".

You thought it was fine because you were in the house. I totally get why. You were there. Only you needed direct sight, 100% of the time and that's absolutely not something we think we need with our parents.

But listen OP, your instincts to just get the hell out were great. Trouble is, now you're away from the danger, you're rationalising. "She's my mother and always will be", "Figuring out where to go from here." Etc. Again, given how she mistreated you as kids, this is totally normal. But it's not healthy.

Take the emotive words of "my mother" out. If anybody else did this to your child, you'd a) never ever see them again and b) probably report to police. Motherhood doesn't give a woman the right to injure a child, which is what you're rationalising around.

Your duty is to the next generation, to ensure your children never have any doubts about their safety end security. Not any doubts. Your mother has shown you who she is - reminded you - so pay attention. This is an adult who cut her grandchild's hand and doesn't care! She wants to carry on like it never happened.

I know how hard it is to admit what it means that your mother hurt your child, that the word "mother" doesn't actually carry the word "protector" like it should. But the reality is that if your DC are to be safe, you need to fully face this. Your mother birthed you and fed and sheltered you. She did not protect you though. She did not make you feel safe or secure. She's never going to be safe around your children, to the extent that you'll never be able to turn your back for a second. Your precious babies are not so precious to her. She's shown you this. Pay attention.

@Nanny0gg

And if it's his hand that's cut, was he putting it up to protect himself as she went to hit him/

This.

You have the opportunity to do for your dc what no one could do for you- to scoop them up, take them to the safety of home and their mum.
I know as a child you didn’t want to be taken from your mum, your home and everything that was familiar. You just desperately wanted your mum to just be mum and not scary and unpredictable.
Your dc are so lucky to have you. You did exactly the right thing in taking them to safety. They have their mum, you, a safe, secure mum.
Focus now on what those precious children need. Everything and everyone else can wait.

OP. It is desperately important that after you get his wound looked at (asap), you do NOT make any allowances for your mother. If you do, your son will forever have the message that his wellbeing is not important enough to be protected from someone who could do this to him. You willbe guilty of minimising, just as your mother has done.
It will be incredibly damaging for him, not just in your relationship with him in future, but his whole sense of self-esteem. He HAS to be worth protecting - and that means you cannot go on being 'normal' with someone who has abused him like this, even if it is your own mother. Please put him first. Don't reply to her text. Don't get into a discussion. Just ignore her, but maybe send photos of the wound she did to him.

I don’t think she’s ever physically hurt someone other than me and siblings and now obviously ds. Most of her rages resulted in her smashing stuff, storming out and telling us she hated us rather than hitting. I know she did something at her old job at least once as she got a disciplinary for it. Of course she insisted this happened because her boss hates her rather than anything she did.

I won’t be letting dc see her again, certainly not at any point I can imagine at the moment. I explained to both of them earlier that gma had been very bad and that we won’t be seeing her for a while.

I’m pretty sure the cut is clean - it’s not bleeding and he could move his hand well earlier. As I said previously I will take him to minor injuries tomorrow to have it checked over and I’ll tell them how it happened.

I know I fucked up, I’m not going to pretend I didn’t. But I genuinely did not think she would ever do anything like this.