My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

Don’t expect your son to have a great relationship with you when he is a adult- People are stupid...they think kids grow up and forget these things.

This!

In a few years your son will have his own thread saying how his mum never protected him and picked an abuser over him

I would never have left my children with someone with such a temper in the first place ! Bad move on your part

I'd be taking him to A&E tonight, not tomorrow morning. Poor little lad.

miserableannie yeah, fully aware of that thanks

Your mother sees herself as The Empress she believes she can do whatever she pleases and that she is accountable to no one

In your shoes my dc wouldn't have unsupervised contact with her ever again. And that would take me a while to reach.

However whilst I wouldn't have yelled at or hurt your son, I would have been most displeased if a five year old had started throwing cushions at my pictures and had caused damage.

As weird as it probably sounds to a lot of people, we are a really close family

This isn't the point.

Your Mum hit your Son with broken glass and you're here on MN. That's the point.

...growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

This is massively abusive, as even when she wasn't behaving as horribly as you describe there, you were always tense and anxious about her losing her temper again. It's no way for a child to live. You may need to reassess this as you seem to be minimising the abuse, but you can see how shocking it is to other posters. It is a horrible way to be brought up. Children should feel safe at home! Being "abandoned" like that is horrific. It may only have been temporary, but your mother knew full well how terrified her children would be, and allowed that. It is utterly disgusting. Can you imagine treating your dc like that, making them feel that way deliberately?

Your DS's injuries should be assessed by professionals, please take him asap to A&E as they might need to Xray (as plenty of PP have pointed out). For me this incident would be the last chance your mother has of hurting me or my children. I would probably take crap for myself but NOBODY gets to hurt my child like that, as his parent you have a responsibility to keep them safe from harm as far as you can. You know now that she will hurt them and she will deny all knowledge, so you cannot take the risk any more.

I would block her on all channels and tell her there is no relationship any more. In fact, feck it, I would move to a new address without telling where with no compunction whatsoever. You do not need this in your life, and your children certainly do not deserve it.

(Honestly, who reacts like that to a daft accident? We've all done daft things as kids, can't expect an old head on young shoulders!)

I know it’s stupid but she hasn’t done it for so long and has always treated dc so very differently to how she treated us

You can't actually be sure of any of that. It's just your perception. You're also excusing her inexcusable behaviour and prioritising her over the safety and wellbeing of your own children.

Please stop.

She's not a lovely woman, she's just not had an opportunity to take out her rage on children for a while.

It's almost like you've got Stockholm Syndrome, OP. There's probably a better term for it but that's all I can think of.

@KevinTheBird

Thanks whitecup4 that’s a really helpful comment

Siblings are both horrified. I know it’s stupid but she hasn’t done it for so long and has always treated dc so very differently to how she treated us.

She hasn't done it to this point because she hasn't had the opportunity to because another adult has been there too. And surely that proves the point that she hasn't changed and obviously won't ever change.

I don't understand what she did. Hit him with the frame and it cut his hand? Sounds terrible though.

OP, please think of the message you are sending your son if you continue to take him round to see her. He trusts you and you are choosing to take him in to an environment where he could well be hurt again.

You need to pick your children over your mother. Every single time.

I know someone who had a similar upbringing to you and unfortunately her mother started to repeat history with the way she treated her grandchildren. It was so hard for her to walk away but she did.

Would you be willing to speak to a therapist? I really feel for you are it's an awful situation but you need to protect your children.

She might be your mum.

But DC is YOUR child.

Show them that what she did was unacceptable and very wrong - by not seeing her again. Why would you want to expose them to a scary violent person again?

I'm wondering generally if Mumsnet need to add a trigger warning? How is that done?

@KevinTheBird

I have absolutely no intention of going to the park with her tomorrow. I can’t face seeing her at all, certainly not in the near future and definitely not with dc there.

Dc is 5yo. I’m going to take him to minor injuries tomorrow and I’ll tell them what happened.

I know I should probably cut all contact with her but I genuinely don’t think I could. She’s my mum and she always will be. I just can’t believe she hurt him.

I don’t think she’s actually forgotten that she did it. It’s what she always used to do. One of the last times she did something similar I was late teens and with my sister at the time. We sat her down and really clearly explained what she did and why it wasn’t acceptable at all. She still point blank denied doing it and just kept asking why we were lying and trying to make her sound like an awful person.

He's just a baby. A baby. And he attacked him with broken glass.

Never mind siblings who might talk you out of it because they've been conditioned in the same way you have been.

This is utterly a Police matter. She deliberately caused him ABH if not, depending upon how severe the consequences are of her attacking him, GBH. Grievous bodily harm - to a baby. Because she meant to do it. She picked up the broken glass, approached him and hit him with it at the very least - and, depending upon what experienced interviewers manage to get the children to disclose, she might have deliberately cut him.

That's not 'your Mum', that's the person who gave birth to you and has deliberately most likely permanently scarred your baby. Every time he looks at his hand, he'll remember her cutting him. For the rest of his life.

You need him to also remember when he looks at his hand that you protected him and made sure that you did everything to ensure that his attacker faced justice for their actions.

@yvanka

I don't understand what she did. Hit him with the frame and it cut his hand? Sounds terrible though.

Yes, she hit him with a broken picture frame.

please try to see the contradiction hereYou describe yourself as a close family and yet you all agree that you will not leave your children alone with her because she might assault them

I'm wondering generally if Mumsnet need to add a trigger warning? How is that done?

I agree.

I don’t know how it’s done though.

Op could you edit the title?

@DeeCeeCherry

I'm wondering generally if Mumsnet need to add a trigger warning? How is that done?

I've "reported" this post asking them to add a trigger warning re details of child abuse.

Also why are you on MN worrying about your mother and not at A&E with your own son?

Are you hoping the wound will look better tomorrow so you can keep covering her abusive arse or what exactly are you trying to achieve?

Yes. You must report this to the police.

@KevinTheBird

I have absolutely no intention of going to the park with her tomorrow. I can’t face seeing her at all, certainly not in the near future and definitely not with dc there.

Dc is 5yo. I’m going to take him to minor injuries tomorrow and I’ll tell them what happened.

I know I should probably cut all contact with her but I genuinely don’t think I could. She’s my mum and she always will be. I just can’t believe she hurt him.

I don’t think she’s actually forgotten that she did it. It’s what she always used to do. One of the last times she did something similar I was late teens and with my sister at the time. We sat her down and really clearly explained what she did and why it wasn’t acceptable at all. She still point blank denied doing it and just kept asking why we were lying and trying to make her sound like an awful person.

@KevinTheBird

I'm sorry OP, but if that doesn't make you cut contact I'm absolutely speechless.

Do you honestly think it couldn't happen again? Even right in front of you?

And if it did, it would be as much your fault as hers.

Not all mums are nice. Not all mums should be in their children's lives.

That would be it for me I'm afraid.

If you want to maintain a relationship with her OP then do so but please do not allow her near your children again, supervised or otherwise.

Please teach your children this is not acceptable.

Either dm needs to apologise and explain how she was wrong or you don't see her anymore.

Seeing her and pretending this didn't happen is making your kids exactly like you had to be and just put up/ shut up.

For me I'd stop contact regardless.