My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

It sounds almost psychotic, if she's becoming violent in a rage and then having no memory of the episode.

She remembers. She just doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and is trying to gloss over it and pretend that it doesn’t matter.

Your mum abused you when you were younger and abused your child.

Cut her loose and please get your sons hand checked out.

@CryingHelps

I feel sorry for your kids. If they were adults, they'd report her to the Police for ABH. It was a deliberate act fgs. He needs proper medical help and if the truth comes out, SS would get involved. Such a cut is likely to leave a scar and it's likely that he might mention how he got it, if not now but in the future.

Sorry but I get the impression op isn't seeking medical advice because they will ask how the hell a child got a cut that deep. I get it. My mum brainwashed me like that too. She really hurt me badly, knocked me out in fact throwing a heavy steel toe cap boot at me. I had a huge black eye. But I was too scared to tell anyone it was her, even at 16, because she had that big a hold on me and I felt embarrassed, like it was my fault somehow.

You cannot underestimate how much growing up with abuse effects you. To people who haven't experienced it, it's a no brainer to report her, it is to me now because I've been out her clutches for years. But it seems like op still has that fear.
I remember being out with mum, just before I cut her off permanently. We were in a supermarket with my sister's daughter, and she was being silly. My mum really shouted at her and even though by then I was around 20, that voice made me jump and feel sick. I immediately cowered ready for her to thump me one.

I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house
woah!
she hit your 5y/o child with broken glass and it's a wide eyed
'oh, I dont remember anything like that, he was in the wrong anyway' notice that there is a tacit admission contained within her assertion that causing ABH is a reasonable response to throwing a cushion. And of course she was exaggerating, what happened does not constitute 'trashing her house'

How are you restraining yourself?
If I was in your shoes I'd have gone straight round and punched her fucking lights out
(....which would obvs be a very STUPID thing to do, I like to think I would calm down and restrain myself)

Just seen your update with age of your child OP - A&E tonight. Not Mumsnet, not on the phone with siblings. A&E. I thought from your original post we were talking an older child (mid teens). No excuse for what she did but an older child stands a better chance of talking things through with you and agreeing yes I want to go now or no I want to go first thing. Your child is 5 years old. And when you take your 5 year old child to ED tomorrow you are going to have to explain why you chose to delay. Social care need to see you protect your child the way your mother failed to protect you. I get that she's your mum. My Dad was my dad. It didn't change the fact that he was a lying narcissistic bastard who couldn't be left with a doll much less a child. Parent your child the way she couldn't parent you, please for all your sakes

No, come on - why are you already tiptoeing around her and minimising this to her?

Why did you say nothing when you came downstairs and not: What the hell, why is my 5 year old screaming and why is there a smashed picture? Why are you so in her thrall that you just left without any challenge?

And then you texted her the picture (good) but allowed her to respond the way she did?! You need to reply, 'Yes, you do remember doing this. Don't you dare deny it, the children both know exactly what you did. Your violent temper has caused a serious injury to my 5 year old. I'm seriously considering never letting him near you again let alone go to the park tomorrow'.

What she did to you at the train station is horrifying. If it was nowadays, it would have led to a social services referral.

By the way, as harsh as I sound, I really do understand. My own DM is very similar, my childhood was very similar, and the children have never been unsupervised with her for a single minute (as much as I love her) for this reason.

But you're a mum now. YOU'RE the mum. Your turn to make the decisions about the things that will affect the small humans you are raising. Are you going to protect them or let them go down the same path as you, where someone can get away with a horribly violent act towards a 5 year old who made a mistake?

You’ve made a mistake and let your DC down. Don’t let them down again by not reporting to police and seeing medical treatment for your DS.

What the fuck is going on?
You've not reported her for assaulting your DC, you've not took your DC to get the cut cleaned and checked out and you can't cut contact with her either?

Massive safeguarding issue, knowing your mum has a track record for being abusive. You knew you had to protect your children and you didn't.

I don’t think she’s ever physically hurt someone other than me and siblings and now obviously ds
I know you dont mean it like this, but the implication in your statement is that you and your siblings dont count as people

I don’t think she’s ever physically hurt someone other than me and siblings and now obviously ds.

What do you mean other than? One of you would be too many people. You are someone, all of you. You were children. Defenceless children. She is an abuser.

Why are you telling your children they won't be seeing bad grandma for a while? Why aren't you reassuring them that they'll never ever have to see her again and what she did wasn't bad it was unforgivable and that sort of reaction, to what was essentially your son having an accident, is never ever okay.

If you see her again she will never think she has done anything wrong. She is already gaslighting you. Your priorities are your kids, she hurt one of them. I don't know how you can conceive of having a relationship with her from now on, she hurt the most precious thing in your life, a small child. It must be devastating for you.

I don't think you fucked up. You have to filter out some of the more gratuitously harsh comments on MN, they're an occupational hazard.

Your rationale for thinking your mother was past this behaviour and it wouldn't affect her grandchildren was understandable. Its not your fault she has done this terrible thing. It's hers.

If you did decide to report this to the police, it's not necessarily true (as a pp suggested) that they would judge you for bubbling with her/continuing to see her. When we had to involve the police to get my mother to leave us alone (she tried to snatch my toddler from nursery and generally terrorised us for months before finally giving up, it was brutal) we found the officers who dealt with us were surprisingly clued up about toxic family relationships and understood about co-dependency and how hard it is to break free. They were brilliant, actually. And they stood up to her and my stepfather when I was too broken to be able to.

I hope your little boys are OK

Sorry but I get the impression op isn't seeking medical advice because they will ask how the hell a child got a cut that deep.

I agree.

If you take him tomorrow they will know it's not a fresh cut and that you delayed. Take him tonight. Put him first, please.

OP has your sons dad ever been violent to them?
How would you feel if he did what your mum did/said?

@sadpapercourtesan

I don't think you fucked up. You have to filter out some of the more gratuitously harsh comments on MN, they're an occupational hazard.

Your rationale for thinking your mother was past this behaviour and it wouldn't affect her grandchildren was understandable. Its not your fault she has done this terrible thing. It's hers.

If you did decide to report this to the police, it's not necessarily true (as a pp suggested) that they would judge you for bubbling with her/continuing to see her. When we had to involve the police to get my mother to leave us alone (she tried to snatch my toddler from nursery and generally terrorised us for months before finally giving up, it was brutal) we found the officers who dealt with us were surprisingly clued up about toxic family relationships and understood about co-dependency and how hard it is to break free. They were brilliant, actually. And they stood up to her and my stepfather when I was too broken to be able to.

I hope your little boys are OK

I disagree. OP has fucked up by not getting her little 5 year old immediate medical attention on a deep gash because she’s scared of this stupid bitch of a mother. THAT IS FUCKING UP

She has said she will take him in the morning. Stop berating her just because you vampires want your drama fix a bit faster

l had a horrific childhood but didn't think my child would have experienced any violence from my parent.
But he did and my child didn't tell me as he was trying to protect me, this came out when he was an adult, and too late for me to do anything about it.
l was already no contact with my parent by that time.
So l would advise you to seek medical attention for your son to record the incident, take photos, report to the police, and show your children that you believe them, will protect them, and never see that woman again.
hoping for the best for you and your children, you are better off without this negative and destructive force in your family

OP you're thinking like this because she abused you and your siblings. Snap out of it. You can't stand for this, the only reason you are hesitating is because you are under the same spell she cast on you all as children.

My DM has a selective memory, to the point I have doubted whether things happened or whether I invented them. This thread has been a timely reminder to trust my gut (I have a six month old baby).

You need to take your 5 year old son to A&E TONIGHT.

You need to show him that this behaviour is completely and utterly wrong and that you will protect him - and you do that by
a) going to A&E to get the injury seen to b) reporting it to the police AND
c) never seeing her again.

HE needs YOU to protect him. 5 years old and he gets called a 'fucking idiot' and hit with broken glass. It just beggars belief.

And when it comes out (and it will) months down the line, when he tells his friend at school, "Granny called me a bad name and hit me with the glass" and the teacher finds out, it will be referred to the Safeguarding Lead and it will be followed up, possibly by Social Services, what will you say? "Oh we didn't see her for a while but we've been round since and everything's ok now"?

Your son will remember this for the rest of his life, and quite possibly have a scar on his had as a visual reminder if it's not seen to quickly. Please do the right thing and protect him from her. It doesn't matter that it's your mum, blood ties mean nothing in a situation like this.

I'm so sorry that this has happened. My DM used to lose it and hit me and say look what you made me do! It was her decision loss of control not me and your DM is similar in so far as she is denying it.
Your little man is only 5, you can protect him firstly by getting his wound checked.
I understand how hard it will be to deal with the consequences of seeing your DM less but you have to be safe and protect your little man. Even if this means finding a new way of getting through lockdown, you can do it! We are rooting for you, draw on your inner strength and know we are all behind you x

I don’t think she’s ever physically hurt someone other than me and siblings and now obviously ds

Oh gosh but don't you hear this? Rephrase it as: 'I don't think she's ever physically hurt someone other than small children who were in her care and therefore vulnerable, and she knew she could get away with it?"

I am so sorry OP. This is just awful. You can never leave your children alone with with her again. She is a danger to your children.

Her temper sounds horrendous and she needs help.

@toocold54

I get that childhood abuse is complicated but I judge your parenting abilities and based on this I honestly don’t think you are a fit parent.

Although I can see why some might see it this way toocold54 I personally think you are being too harsh on OP here

20 mins! You were away from your DC for just 20 mins and this is what she did. What if you had been out somewhere/ doing the shop/ stuck in a traffic jam? How much more damage could she have inflicted if you hadn’t woken up when you did?