My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

It's easy to say what you would do in such circumstances-when you know that they would never arise!

I also find it hard to understand why an abusive parent is allowed access to their GC to then carry on the abuse.

But it happens time & again.

for you @KevinTheBird. Came back today to check on you because I’m sure that reading all the (rightfully) harsh replies last night must have been very difficult for you.

You are not to blame for what your mum did, let’s be clear about that.

However, you do need to protect your child(ren) now. This is a line that cannot be crossed, and now that it has you need to be strong. There is lots of support on MN for people who grew up with toxic dysfunction and abuse. It will be probably the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to do, but you need to be truthful to yourself and to your siblings about your mother - she is not a lovely mother. She hit your child with a weapon and a particularly dangerous one at that, literally the first time you left her properly alone with him. She doesn’t deserve to ever see your sons again.

I hope your sons are okay today. It will have been very frightening and upsetting for them to witness and be victim to such violence. And I hope that when you do take your little one to the hospital, everything will be fine.

Please look after yourself today, be kind to yourself - you did nothing wrong other than to trust the one person in the world whom you should absolutely be able to trust to love and look after your child. The fact that she is a nasty, violent person is on her, not on you.

Some posts are harsh because it's an awful situation and the OP is an abuser apologist failing to see the issue for what it is. It's a good thing she posted on here, at least she had an inkling something wasn't right, but she clearly attempted to smooth over this incident, much like she is doing the same in respect of her own childhood. She needs these strong words now which will give her a huge wobble, I hope. Otherwise she'll always gloss over and move on to thinking ah, it was just a one off. No. It's game over, one time too many.

Where on earth does this fiction come from? OP obviously didn't gloss anything over: she took her child away immediately and made it clear to him that what her mother had done was unacceptable. She's also made it perfectly clear that she knows it wasn't a one-off.

I really hate the way people make things up for the sheer fun of criticising other posters.

As has been stated, It's pointless telling OP to go to the police: it's the word of a 5 year old against an adult's. They won't be able to do anything.

AM courses are no answer to domestic violence. OPs mother has a problem with anger, other people's anger, when she is called out on such behaviour.

OP - your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally changed. Its not your fault she is like this (her own parents did this to her) and such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. I would also think you only allowed your children to have a relationship with her at all because of your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), the hope (forlorn) that she was going to behave better around your children and to a lesser extent societal convention. As you have now clearly seen that decision has backfired on you.

Re a comment made by RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves :-

"With regards to your mother, it might be awkward and emotional, but you will probably need to have a serious chat with her. Maybe your siblings could join in a call to talk about what happened in your childhood. She will obviously deny these things occurred but if you all acknowledge that they did occur, she doesnt have any recourse to say its all lies. You could maybe get a counsellor involved and Id also give her an ultimatum to get some anger management."

Unfortunately such does not work on toxic, abusive and otherwise disordered of thinking people like OPs mother. It is a misguided approach anyway. Such people really do not ever take any responsibility for their actions let alone apologise for them. Counselling with an abuser like OPs mother is never recommended either because she will not co-operate whereas the OP would. OP is also not emotionally safe enough to embark at all on any such sessions.

She assaulted your child both verbally and physically and I would mention this to the police. You all need to stay well away from her going forward; she is not an emotionally safe person to be around. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no. Your mother is no different and should not be seen as such. I would also suggest you look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Also I have to say, because other people have got on your case about it, that you did exactly the right thing by scooping up your child and getting the hell out of there. It would not have been helpful or safe to get into any kind of altercation or argument with her then.

What an awful situation. Your poor boy.

As I said, I understand that this will be very difficult for you to process. Be strong, be firm in your conviction and please don’t let this slide.

"I also find it hard to understand why an abusive parent is allowed access to their GC to then carry on the abuse".

This happens because of
a) the now adult children's own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)
b) their enduring hope (more often than not forlorn) that she was going to behave better around the children this time around despite their own experience to the contrary

c)to a lesser extent societal convention.

Do not forget either that FOG are but three of many damaging legacies left by such abusive parents to their now adult offspring. OP is herself mired in FOG. If you grow up within such a dysfunctional environment too this becomes the "norm", you become conditioned into accepting it as such. It is very hard to break free of such conditioning and OP needs to see a therapist (and one at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment) to start breaking those chains and buttons her mother installed.

What would you report to the police, Ops child vandalised the house and was then hit by Gran?

@cdtaylornats

I would say a 5 year old was attacked by a known violent adult. I doubt the police would give a shit that the 5 year old threw a cushion first!

Oh don’t be ridiculous, vandalised the house 🙄🙄 he’s five and threw a cushion. She cut his hand with a broken frame. If she’d randomly done that to a stranger on the street she’d hopefully rightly have been charged with assault.

@Arobase

As has been stated, It's pointless telling OP to go to the police: it's the word of a 5 year old against an adult's. They won't be able to do anything.

It’s not pointless at all.

Do we just never report anything that happens to children?

There were also two children present when our happened so not just the injured child’s version

@KevinTheBird I’m glad to see in your updates you’ve got supportive siblings to talk to.

It sounds like you’re being sensible and working out what you can do next.

Take care of yourself today, you’ve had a shock.

The level of abuse aimed at OP overnight is appalling. And somewhat ironic.

When this happened, she scooped up her kids and got them out of the house without even speaking to her mother. She immediately explained to her children that what her DM did was wrong. She assessed the injury and decided to take the boy to minor injuries this morning (most people are capable of working out if there's glass in a wound like that, and it's unlike the child would go to bed and sleep if there was.

By the time she left the thread she'd already said her DM wouldn't be seeing them again. She'd spoken to her siblings, and she's planning on being entirely honest about what happened when she takes him for treatment today.

So far so faultless. And yet, because she voiced her emotional confusion, people are still baying for her blood. I particularly loved the suspicion about why she hadn't come back to the thread (at 2am in the morning when she's been posting until late at night)

Call off the hounds for goodness sake. She was trying to voice her confusion about who her mother is. She was in shock. She's not excused a thing.

Poor baby. I hope he’s feeling better today.
As someone who grew up with a volatile mum it is hard. It’s hard to reconcile how they were with you and how they are with your child. It’s easy to think they are different with them and it does happen so I can see why you felt she was ok with your children.
Mine unfortunately did repeat history with my child as well.

As others have said, be kind to yourself. It’s going to be a bumpy few days for you as you will feel all sorts of things, from guilt (it’s not your fault, fault is solely at her door) to grief for knowing your relationship is done. You sound like you’ve good siblings which will help

excellent post @AttilaTheMeerkat

OP can I suggest this book for yourself - it started me on the road to recovery 16 years ago and then I had counselling at various stages - I am now very low contact with my remaining parent and my children (now grown up) were never allowed to be alone with them

If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth

@RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves

There are a lot of extreme reactions in this thread!

Firstly, I wouldn't call the police - its a waste of their time, and its not warranted in this case. No one wants to report their parent/child to the police unless there is just cause.

Taking your child to hospital is probably a good idea just to get him checked out. Id tell the truth about what happened and there may be a safeguarding referral made, but you acted promptly by removing the child from danger so shouldn't have anything to worry about. Social services are there to help, so this could be a positive thing everything came into the open.

You have shown your children that this type of abuse is unacceptable when you took the children out of danger and explained that grandma was wrong to have done what she did.

With regards to your mother, it might be awkward and emotional, but you will probably need to have a serious chat with her. Maybe your siblings could join in a call to talk about what happened in your childhood. She will obviously deny these things occurred but if you all acknowledge that they did occur, she doesnt have any recourse to say its all lies. You could maybe get a counsellor involved and Id also give her an ultimatum to get some anger management.

You could tell her that you dont think you can let her see the kids, or at least be alone with them until she gets help for what is a long standing issue.

I think there is light at the end of the tunnel, though it might not seem like it now. Emotions are raw so you can understand why people are upset and over-reacting in this thread. But I think you have reacted proportionately and have displayed a level headedness at what is a awful time for you - no one expects a grandparent to do this to a child.

The important things are that she acknowledges this and previous child abuse happened and she was directly responsible, and then you can move on.

I dont think it will be easy, she sounds stubborn and may not ever want to admit her wrongs. But I would find it hard to move past this unless she was at least to acknowledge these things happened.

Who are you to say the police are not warranted in this case?

This is a young child who has potentially been deliberately injured by a violent adult.

The amount of people minimising and making declarations on this thread is unreal

Re: AttilaTheMeerkat - Your comment about OP's mother not taking responsibility for her actions - you are maybe right about this, as I think it will be a big shift change for the OP's mother and really hard to do at her stage in life.

However, we don't know OPs' mum and I think she should be afforded an opportunity to acknowledge the wrongs - if she could it could help the OP come to terms with her past .

I also think counselling session for the OP alone would be a good idea - to speak about her upset childhood. The example of being left for an hour at a train station thinking your parent had abandoned you is horrific and has obviusly left a scar on her childhood.

"This happens because of
a) the now adult children's own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)"

Yes-lets hope the Op finds the strength to at least keep her kids away-or that their father does.

OP you did the right thing.
Well done for protecting your children.
Your mother carries a lot of rage and yes she is abusive.
Some posters on here like to be provocative and some have nothing else in there lives.
Focus on yourself and your children.
Take some space for yourself.
It may have triggered your experiences with her as a child.
She is abusive.
She could attend an alternative to violence course once lockdown is over or there maybe stuff in line for HER to look at.
It is not acceptable.
💐

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I would absolutely call the police. The relationship with your dm needs to be over for your dcs sake, and your dc needs to see you protecting them.

Hope you're all OK that must have been a shock for you all.

As above.

She's minimising - and talking about going to the park is a way of getting you to collude with her that she hasn't done anything wrong.

This isn't a quick, annoyed slap on the bum - this is effectively using a weapon against a child.

Also - I know it's a pandemic etc, but I would take him to A&E because he might need a tetanus injection, or even a stitch.

I would never leave her with them again. TBH - I wouldn't have anything to do with her again, but she's your Mum and that's your choice - but DON'T let her brush this under the carpet as though it was nothing.

SorryOP - you have taken good action.

Apologies for not reading at least your posts before commenting.

KevinTheBird I just wanted to post some sympathy because you and your children had a big shock and it’s so hard to think clearly when that happens. Even more so if it brings up past upsetting memories.

I’m sure you will get some perspective and calmness. I hope that, although some are lacking in empathy, the words of posters who reacted strongly on this thread will ultimately give you strength to really believe you are doing the right thing putting strong protective boundaries around your children.

Op I hope you are your son are feeling a little better today. I’m glad you let your siblings know so they are aware of the continued risk to their children should they visit.

It must be incredibly hard to think about cutting contact with your mum who you live so much. The fact you feel this is not an option despite her having hurt you and now your child is interesting and maybe requires a little more reflection when you feel you have the head space for it. Sounds like you grew up in a difficult home with incredibly complex relationships.

What does the children’s other parent think about the situation (if they are involved).

I agree with others that the police could easily be involved as they have several children to talk to, you witnessing the aftermath and comments from your mum as well as the actual cut itself. However it sounds like your not in the place to do this and I think if you can’t then keeping the children away from her is the minimum steps but I would suggest you need to stop contact between them and her long term given she had shown her self to be a risk long term and her behaviour is unlikely to change.

My thoughts are with you and your children op. You deserved more as a child and your children deserves better care from their GM.

Just to add that pp are all focussing on the fact that this little 5 yo was physically injured. But he was also verbally abused and called a fucking idiot. Verbal abuse from someone who you think is supposed to love you is incredibly damaging but sadly very normalised. Even without being hit with a broken frame, I'd be withdrawing contact for the way he was spoken to alone when OP wasn't around.

@BonnesVacances that’s very good point. Regardless of the physical harm the whole situation was harmful.

Those saying that the police won't do anything about an adult abusing a child are absolutely wrong. They will. What's concerning is that so many posters don't seem to think what this woman did is actually abusive. As if it were nothing more than a light tap on the hand with a finger rather than being hit with broken glass. It's astounding how people can convince themselves of what isn't abuse.