My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

All these people saying call the police are far more measured and reasonable than I would be! Pretty sure I'd have to slap the evil cow before cutting contact for good.

I'm sure someone else would have said it but you and your siblings should look at the out of the fog website.

outofthefog.website/relationships-1/2015/12/6/maternal-child-abuse

Better link possibly - the sites changed since I last read it. This is about fathers but you'll get the idea

outofthefog.website/relationships-1/2015/12/6/fathers-who-hurt-their-children

You have seen your mother for what she really is, she's unsafe to be around you dc.

If my Mum did that to one of my children ( which she absolutely wouldn't dream of ) she would be distraught at the thought of them being so upset and injured as a result of her actions. She would make sure they were ok.
Your mums response was to pretend nothing really happened.

Is she even concerned that your ds has a cut glass hand ?

Your poor Ds. My mother was similar to yours and once I had kids I moved away. She’s never had nor will have my children unsupervised.

I can’t believe she did that with you in the house. I was unable to go NC but it’s extremely low contact and that suits me.

The hardest thing in the world is cutting an abusive parent out of your life. I know because I've done it. I'm afraid I think your mum has crossed a line here you can't really go back from. This would be a deal breaker for me xxx

Christ can you imagine if she’d miss aimed and caught his face?

OP that scream you heard was his pain. Your a bloody idiot if you see her again and deranged if you let her near your son again.

OP It is really hard to come to terms with a confusing mother - who is lovely most or some of the time, but capable of being really awful as well. You must be in shock over this, and how to handle it. Your child's injury has proved to be a catalyst for you in dealing with your mother, as there is now no way you can avoid taking a stand one way or the other. You either minimise what she did, which as others have pointed out you have been trained to do through childhood experience, making the unacceptable 'normal' in your mind. Or you fully accept what happened to your son, no ifs or buts, and deal with it accordingly, which painfully for you will mean acknowledging that your mother's actions were totally out of order and there have to be consequences in how you deal with her in order to protect your DC.
Please put your DC first. If you don't, you will be storing up longterm problems for both them and yourself. I really feel for you about this dilemma you have been catapulted into. May it have a good ending for your little one, and for you, perhaps via counselling to deal with your childhood issues. Be strong, you can do it.

OP.

You need to think as a mother right now, not as a daughter. Please try and get into that mind frame.

Hand injuries can be very serious, you are not a medical professional and so you cannot tell how serious or not this injury is.

So. Your son has a hand wound. We have a pandemic on our hands.

You call 111 for advice. If they say A&E, then go.

You must be honest about how this happened.

Forget that your mother attacked him. That will put you back into daughter mode. Imagine a random stranger did this. You would want medical attention and a police investigation. That is how you must behave right now.

I say this as I had a mother like yours, although she was also physically abusive to me and I left home at 16, I’m now 34 and haven’t spoken to her since and have 3DC that she has never and will never meet.

[quote MagentaDoesNotExist]@RootyT00t yeah, I'm sure it'd the little boy's fault. [/quote]
Pardon? Quote me where I said it was?

I won’t be letting dc see her again, certainly not at any point I can imagine at the moment. I explained to both of them earlier that gma had been very bad and that we won’t be seeing her for a while.

I'm glad you won't be seeing her for a while, you definitely need some time away from her to process exactly how horrifically she has behaved.

Also glad that you are getting medical attention today, like others have said I'd ask for an x-ray as you're not sure how hard she hit him and you're not sure how hard. Glass could easily be in the wound.

What does DC1 say about what happened?

Your poor baby. Please please make sure he knows it's not his fault.

I wonder why your little boy didn't tell you she had cut him though. What's he seen of the dynamic between you that he didn't tell you she has hurt him? Some distance is definitely a good thing.

I definitely would consider contacting the police and see a doctor if you can, however if you don’t then I would definitely not be making plans to see your Mum as she clearly has a nasty temper and you can’t trust her around your children, you recall a strange childhood and her marriage collapsed as your Dad knew she was bad news.
Sorry that you have this to deal with but your children come first and must be protected.

I'm shocked at the delay in seeking medical treatment!

Is your child's dad on the scene? I hope there is someone involved who makes sure she doesn't see your children again rather than what I fear you will do and brush it under the carpet after a few months.

Some posts are harsh because it's an awful situation and the OP is an abuser apologist failing to see the issue for what it is. It's a good thing she posted on here, at least she had an inkling something wasn't right, but she clearly attempted to smooth over this incident, much like she is doing the same in respect of her own childhood. She needs these strong words now which will give her a huge wobble, I hope. Otherwise she'll always gloss over and move on to thinking ah, it was just a one off. No. It's game over, one time too many.

Some of you say she shouldn't blame herself. I disagree. No reasonable mother would have left her children unattended with a known abuser. This is exactly what she did. She needs to understand this first because only then she'll admit to herself that she needs professional help. She needs to deal with her own childhood demons before she is capable of providing a safe environment for her own children. At the moment, her skewed perception of what is and isn't acceptable does not allow for this. This is a difficult thing to hear but a necessary one if she truly wishes to make a change in her life and her children's lives and be able to teach them what good relationships are all about.

Calling a 5 year old a “fucking idiot” would be enough for me to stop her seeing my kids again, even without the hitting with the frame.

Hope you’re ok, @KevinTheBird- I suspect you know deep down that she’s crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed .

I hope you get to the minor injuries unit ok this morning OP. Be upfront and honest with them about what happened, don’t try to minimise or cover it up otherwise this will come back to bite you if the doctors make a safeguarding referral.

Then you need to take a bit of time for yourself, you’ve said you won’t see your mum for a while but you do really need to consider no contact at all between her and your children at the bare minimum.

She may well be your mum, but that doesn’t give her the right to treat you (or anyone else for that matter) as her personal punchbag. Think of the message you are sending to your children - it’s ok to keep seeing someone even if they physically hurt you because they are family/they love you. That’s the abusers script, they hit you then tell you they love you. It’s gaslighting.

Your mum is not a good person - she emotionally and physically abused you and your siblings to such an extent that your boundaries between what is right and wrong are so blurred that you don’t consider what she has done to be serious enough to never allow her anywhere near you and your family again. She physically assaulted your baby. Think about that, let it sink in. Is that acceptable behaviour in anyone? Should people who assault children (and she has plenty of previous form against you and your siblings) be allowed access to them, supervised or not?

You and your children deserve better. She is not a good mother. She is not a good grandmother. She is not a good person. Break the cycle now and show your children that abuse will never be tolerated in any form.

Came back to see how the OP is doing and wanted to post again to say lay off the OP. People on this thread have no idea what it is like to be brought up in an abusive environment. The OP has essentially been surrounded by this behaviour since birth. Her mother will have been manipulating her and her siblings their whole life. She will have created a sense of self doubt and dependency. It’s not as easy as yelling ‘protect your child’ etc when the OP hasn’t established yet how to protect herself from her mother.

OP I would really recommend some time with a counsellor or therapist to talk through your childhood. They will validate your feelings and give you the strength to deal with the aftermath of this. Your mother won’t go quietly.

Kevin let us know how he is? This must be so hard for you, I'm very sorry. I'm not sure I'd have taken him in the middle of the night in winter to A and E, but I've not actually seen the wound, you have. I'm not sure I'd be telling the truth but I would absolutely insist she does something about her temper, seeks help etc and until then, she doesn't see you or DC. People can be very nice and have a nasty streak, it doesn't make them entirely a monster. We behaviour was totally unacceptable though and you are an adult, break free and stand up for yourself and DC. You'll feel much better by taking control.

This is horrific. What a terrible experience for you all, I’m so sorry. The most important thing in all this (IMO) is that your child knows just how wrong that was, he does not deserve to be treated like that and we have to stand up to abusive people. It would be the end of my relationship with my DM for sure. Maybe I’d phone her sometimes when the kids were around, but that really is it. It must be so hard but I think it would be very emotionally damaging for your children to be around her after this. She needs therapy for her issues.

People on this thread have no idea what it is like to be brought up in an abusive environment.

Don't speak for everyone.

Get him to the doctor’s today. Talk to your children in an age appropriate way about abuse, boundaries, etc. I would never see my mother again if she did this to my child. I’d also be seriously considering reporting to the police.

There are a lot of extreme reactions in this thread!

Firstly, I wouldn't call the police - its a waste of their time, and its not warranted in this case. No one wants to report their parent/child to the police unless there is just cause.

Taking your child to hospital is probably a good idea just to get him checked out. Id tell the truth about what happened and there may be a safeguarding referral made, but you acted promptly by removing the child from danger so shouldn't have anything to worry about. Social services are there to help, so this could be a positive thing everything came into the open.

You have shown your children that this type of abuse is unacceptable when you took the children out of danger and explained that grandma was wrong to have done what she did.

With regards to your mother, it might be awkward and emotional, but you will probably need to have a serious chat with her. Maybe your siblings could join in a call to talk about what happened in your childhood. She will obviously deny these things occurred but if you all acknowledge that they did occur, she doesnt have any recourse to say its all lies. You could maybe get a counsellor involved and Id also give her an ultimatum to get some anger management.

You could tell her that you dont think you can let her see the kids, or at least be alone with them until she gets help for what is a long standing issue.

I think there is light at the end of the tunnel, though it might not seem like it now. Emotions are raw so you can understand why people are upset and over-reacting in this thread. But I think you have reacted proportionately and have displayed a level headedness at what is a awful time for you - no one expects a grandparent to do this to a child.

The important things are that she acknowledges this and previous child abuse happened and she was directly responsible, and then you can move on.

I dont think it will be easy, she sounds stubborn and may not ever want to admit her wrongs. But I would find it hard to move past this unless she was at least to acknowledge these things happened.