My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

‘ My dm is a lovely woman...’

Alas not as she is a serial abuser of you & your brother, & now of your own children. Her behaviours are not temper driven.

Please trust your instincts to protect your own children.
Seek out a counsellor to talk through your experiences of your mother’s ‘temper’ to help you resolve the dissonance between your own experiences & the charming ideal you have of your mother.

Your DM is nowhere close to being a great Mum. She's a psychopath, emotionally and physically abusive.
I would go absolutely NC with her and never look back. And report the incident to police.

How can you even consider ever speaking to that woman again? She attacked a defenceless 5 year old child and slashed his hand! What planet are you on?

The only person who can think she's somehow a good person is you. You have been brainwashed by an abuser. You need help.

What worries me is you won't take him to minor injuries later today. You'll wake up and convince yourself it's ok. It's scabbing over, there is no need etc. Because you know taking him and answering the questions about how it happened will make you uncomfortable and likely get a referral to SS.
Please don't fail your son that badly. It needs checking out.

And you need some therapy to try and understand why you still need this vile woman in your life. If your son had been in the care of anyone else you would have taken him for treatment immediately, whilst ringing the police. As it is you're minimising and hoping it goes away.
I hope for your sake and your sons you get much stronger. She will be texting about the park later, you'll find yourself torn up about it. You need to seriously find your inner anger about what she's done.

Sorry but I get the impression op isn't seeking medical advice because they will ask how the hell a child got a cut that deep.

They'll also ask why the OP didn't notice a visibly bleeding deep cut on her child's hand while strapping him into his car seat.

"What worries me is you won't take him to minor injuries later today."

Because it's the middle of the night. I'm sure OP has a handle on it, she said it's not too bad and is taking him tomorrow. It would be more distressing to go late at night and wait for hours.

It's not your fault, OP. It's a really harsh lesson for you to learn though. I hope you and DS are okay.

@Bopahula

What worries me is you won't take him to minor injuries later today. You'll wake up and convince yourself it's ok. It's scabbing over, there is no need etc. Because you know taking him and answering the questions about how it happened will make you uncomfortable and likely get a referral to SS. Please don't fail your son that badly. It needs checking out.

And you need some therapy to try and understand why you still need this vile woman in your life. If your son had been in the care of anyone else you would have taken him for treatment immediately, whilst ringing the police. As it is you're minimising and hoping it goes away.
I hope for your sake and your sons you get much stronger. She will be texting about the park later, you'll find yourself torn up about it. You need to seriously find your inner anger about what she's done.

Kevin, I agree with what Bopahula says. I realise how difficult it is for you to see it all clearly but surely this must bring it home to you.

You may stop your mother from seeing your children but who knows what she might do to someone else. Don't leave things where they are.

It really does have to stop now.

He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

This, from a woman who you continue to describe as 'lovely'. She's not your Mum. She's a psychopath. A violent criminal. God, get a grip.

What I find alarming is that she has not ever had access to any of her GC unsupervised and the first time she does (and OP I think that you made a decision in light of years of her being a loving Grandma, as a poorly mum in a really difficult time having a lie down in the same house as her kids) - one of them ends up hurt. Accidents happen, kids get hurt all the time but really, the very first time she is ever unsupervised with them and then instead of being devastated she denies it. She honestly sounds like a sociopath.

She’s your mum and I respect your decision to not want to cut her out of your life but this must be the end of her role in your dc’s lives. So much easier said than done in this awful lockdown but even with you there you can’t trust her. I think of a normal GP’s reaction to their GC being hurt and it’s upset, concern, phone calls later checking up on them etc. You are clearly taking this seriously but there will be some part of you conditioned by your childhood to minimise her behaviour, see it as an occasional lapse etc but it’s not. It’s so much more than that. I would urge you to at some point talk all this through with a clinical psychologist. In the meantime I would be really interested to hear what your siblings (who have also been subjected to the same childhood) have had to say. Do be careful to not get into a pattern of minimising together.

Just remember, parenting 101 keep your children safe from harm. I hope your son’s hand heals up quickly. Sending you much strength in the time ahead,

I would report her to the police and then cut contact. Poor kid. What a bully your dm is.

People are being quite nasty to you on here op. It might worthwhile asking mnhq to remove the thread, especially as it's likely child safety will get involved once reported at a&e

I think you need to take a couple of days to calm down, you should hear her side of the story before going to the police it may be that he picked up a bit of glass. Obviously you can’t leave them with her again but there are 2 sides to every story at least give her a chance to give hers. If she genuinely doesn’t remember it sounds like she needs help.

If that happened to my 6 year old she'd scream the whole house down so much I couldn't be sure I'd cleaned her hand properly. And you never can be sure with glass. My sister got some glass in her hand a few years ago and thought she'd cleaned the wound ok and just left it heal. She had massive problems later when it was found that there had been a tiny shard of glass left and she needed surgery to fix it. It could've affected the movement in her hand long term if this hadn't been done in time.

@KevinTheBird does your Mum have a history of trauma? I work extensively with people with needs related to mental health and/or trauma and the way in which you describe your Mum is very much like many people with emotional dysregulation etc.. Kind, caring and then when overwhelmed the stress response takes over and often "can't remember". It's not that they can't but in the moment the stress response takes over and they are in the freeze/flight/fright response so it isn't the logical brain that's functioning. Doesn't impact everyone, but I imagine your Mum really needs to hear the impact it's had and needs some help.

I'm really sorry this happened. Your dc come first. Maybe when things calm down a really significant chat with your Mum, laying down some boundaries, hopes & expectations. It will be hard for her to do the work to change this, and she may not be willing. But sometimes people see the need and are willing. Will be very hard to take responsibility and change. I hope she's willing.

Hope your dc is okay.

For all those criticizing @KevinTheBird please remember this is her Mum and her norm after years/decades of this being normal. In fact it's hardest on kids when a parent goes between being lovely/supportive/kind and abusive. Sends a message that it isn't the parent but the child that's wrong/remembering wrong/caused it.

@KevinTheBird I wish you and your family well. It's a hard situation.

OP, think about what you would do if a stranger or colleague did this to you or your child. Why is it any different if it’s a grandparent? I suspect your childhood abuse (and it was abuse and not minor either by your description) is affecting how you perceive her behaviour. Think about why you would keep this woman, who abused you as a child and has now abused your own child, in your life. I think some counselling may be useful to help you work through what you experienced as a child.

If my husband’s mother behaved in this way and he didn’t cut contact with her I would leave him, take my children and make sure they never saw his mother again. It doesn’t matter that she’s lovey or kind or a great mum and grandma the rest of the time - that is the case for many abusers. She is abusive. She should have no contact ever again with your dc.

Just keep in mind OP you don't know what was happening in the time you were asleep and if she was being nasty to the kids then. I am also not sure this is the first time you've ever left them alone with her, I'm sure there's been other times you've popped out or gone upstairs or whatever. For the love of god, keep your kids away from her forever and ever. If you can't bring yourself to cut contact, at least don't subject them to it when they don't have a choice

You knew her temper, you left her alone with your child. I wouldn't leave them alone but wouldn't cut the relationship off.

@KevinTheBird

I don’t think she’s ever physically hurt someone other than me and siblings and now obviously ds. Most of her rages resulted in her smashing stuff, storming out and telling us she hated us rather than hitting. I know she did something at her old job at least once as she got a disciplinary for it. Of course she insisted this happened because her boss hates her rather than anything she did.

I won’t be letting dc see her again, certainly not at any point I can imagine at the moment. I explained to both of them earlier that gma had been very bad and that we won’t be seeing her for a while.

I’m pretty sure the cut is clean - it’s not bleeding and he could move his hand well earlier. As I said previously I will take him to minor injuries tomorrow to have it checked over and I’ll tell them how it happened.

I know I fucked up, I’m not going to pretend I didn’t. But I genuinely did not think she would ever do anything like this.

OP don't blame yourself. You were in the house. She's never shown anger towards any grandchildren. Not only of course is this not your fault, you also had had no warning she'd do this now.

It is unfair, too, as messes up completely her helping you with the home schooling. Quite apart from how frightening and upsetting for your children. And you.

She clearly has a propensity to lose it and, as you now v sadly know, can't be alone with them. It is very lucky it wasn't even worse. Bless him 🤦‍♀️💐

However, I don't agree with calls for police and social services. I think that will only make things worse. This is just going to take time. And, as you've said, she's now right out of the picture.

I'm so sorry, OP, as you thought she was ok with them and you could have a normal and supportive set up. Sadly this is who she is and you're going to have to redraw boundaries. I hope you've got other support at home Xxx

I think you know that you never should have left your DC with her, but what’s done is done. I would go NC and contact Police as she has injured your son.

That is not right. Gettibg upset at the kids is one thing but hitting thhem with a broken picture frame is unacceptable! This is not something that you can ignore. Sorry OP but you need to protect your children from her

When you do go to get the hand seen you will be asked what happened.
Be truthful and explain it as you have been told by your child .
It’s a tricky one you cannot blame yourself,

For all those condemning this daughter's mother, if you believe that childhood has such an impact on your adulthood, why do you not apply that to the daughter's mother? Or, does her experience not count for some reason?

Do you know what sort of childhood your own mothers had, and I mean intimately?

If childhood matters, then it matters for us all, your own parents included. You want an excuse for how you are? Then your parents have an excuse for how they are too.

She obviously has mental health issues. I'd be insisting on her commuting to professional help before seeing her again.