My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

The op only started processing this once the kids were settled in bed from the timing of first post. Yes, she should probably have seen the cut and gone straight to minor injuries, but by the time she has gained that perspective, both DC were probably asleep. Pulling them out of bed to run to A&E (no overnight minor injuries here) when they’ve had a stressful day isn’t an easy call. This assumes no obvious remaining glass or heavy bleeding.

Hopefully you all sleep well and you and DC can get some help in the morning.

Don't you think it's suspicious that you had your back turned and this happened though?

I didn’t even think about this!

You say you’ve never left your DCs with her and then the first time you did (for only 20mins) this happen - she’s dangerous!

This is not your fault and of course you couldn't have seen it coming - you thought she was a good GM, and she has been for at least 5 years. So sorry, horrible for you and your kids. Do you think police involvement will keep the kids safer?

@MenoMom

This is not your fault and of course you couldn't have seen it coming - you thought she was a good GM, and she has been for at least 5 years. So sorry, horrible for you and your kids. Do you think police involvement will keep the kids safer?

No. Never seeing her again will do that.

But the OP's mother needs stopping from hurting anyone else.

@KevinTheBird

Hi Op

You obviously need to vist your local hospital to have your son hand checked as there definitely could be splinters/shards of smashed photo frame in his hand.

You need to be Non-contact with your mother about this issue.

You have to protect your children now,
You have the personal power to put boundaries in place to do this.

Never allow her ever to be alone with your children ever again.

Also explore,better good support system for your family.
such as could you have a childcare support bubble with someone you can trust such as a good friends/or another family members, who are trustworthy good, such as your father etc.

If you can not get support like this?
Can you afford to have a registered childminder/or put them in nursery/ aur pair?

I know someone who shared a her nanny with someone else too.

I also think having some kind of therapy/therapies could be beneficial for you,cause of your shit childhood experiences too.

There is a surprising choice of therapies out there,

Do you suffer from low self confidence issues cause of shit childhood experiences?
Its important to have good Cofindence so you stand strong with your boundaries to protect yourself.
Your mother will never change unfornately
She sounds like a nightmare!
Sorry to hear you had such troubling/disturbing childhood like this.

Report her to the police,
the police take historical childhood abuse seriously now.

Oh, OP, how incredibly distressing.
It isn’t your fault, you didn’t fuck up.
You were in the same house, she hasn’t been like it with your D.C. or for years.

It is her fault, she did it, she had taken responsibility for her grandchildren and she let them both down very badly.

Ds1 must have been frightened too.

And the ‘fucking idiot’ was bad enough!

Get Ds2 checked out, tell them what happened, it will probably be reported as a safeguarding incident. ( not against you)

Which means you can tell your Mother that it is out of your hands.

I understand this must be incredibly difficult for you OP but your DM obviously has issues and you really need to clearly protect your DC. I personally would cut her out here and now its a cut hand now but if you don't jop this in the bid who knows. Do the right thing for your DC you are their protector and she is abusive!!

Just be prepared to answer questions about how you are going to protect your dc in future, Op. I’m not saying this to blame you but just to make sure you’re aware that if you take your dc anywhere near your dm again it will be seen as a failure to protect them and you could also be considered a safeguarding risk. You need to make sure all professionals know that you are horrified and will do everything necessary to protect your dc.

Also think about what message it sends your dc, if you are prepared to continue a relationship with someone who has abused them.

Police. That’s assault. If an adult had done this to another adult they’d be calling the policy immediately. The victim is a child, this is worse.

And go no-contact obviously.

My God, if my mother did that, and I don’t have kids, she’d be rolling herself home because her head would be up her arse. Sounds like she’s taking no responsibility for her loony behaviour either, and won’t acknowledge that she was wrong. I don’t care if the child stood there, looked at her and threw it on the ground. I can understand being a bit upset, but that reaction to a child is just way off beam. It’s worrying that it sounds as though she doesn’t see that she’s done anything wrong! I’d be horrified if I hurt a child like that accidentally.

Jesus Christ he's FIVE. Take him to A&E!
If you don't go no contact you're not protecting your children. I don't care if she's your mother - YOU are a mother, and your DC come before your abusive, psychotic bitch of a mother!! Please take serious action op - I'm so sorry this happened but he could have been killed if she hit an artery. The police should be involved!

If you leave it too long it'll start trying to heal itself and trap any foreign object around it. The hand is a difficult place for such an injury ESPECIALLY for a 5 year old boy. the slightest flex can open parts of the wound and also the constant moving of it can mean any glass inside could damage it further. It also is a prime place for infection as you can't not use your hands and little boys touch things that adults necessarily wouldn't.

I'm sorry but it needs looking at. My mum used to smack us too and even really went for it with shoes in hand but she'd never ever ever use glass or something like that. The more you brush it under the carpet and let her still have contact with you all the more she thinks it's ok - like she did when you were little and had to drop it because 'she was the grown up' and refused to back down.

You'll all be happier and safer without her in your lives. Those poor poor babies!

You don’t know what to do?

Please, never leave your children unsupervised with her again.
(Violent father)

OP, do you suppose she thought she could get away with denying that she caused the injury and accusing your son of lying, the further implication being that she was confident you would side with her over your son😳
speculation on my part of obviously but still, one wonders what goes on in the minds of people in these situations....
is it just a feeling they ought to be able to do as they please or do they not introspect at all 🤔like no 'inner life'😶

@saraclara

Your ability to appraise risk is skewed by your childhood experiences. Which is understandable and probably not even conscious. We shut things out.

I'm 65, and didn't realise how much I'd shut out until a few years ago, my younger brother confided how much guilt he'd felt all his life for not protecting me the day my mum pushed me down the stairs.
I had absolutely no recollection of her doing that until he mentioned it. Then it all came back. 50 years later.

Give OP a break. It's easy to say what you would and wouldn't do when you haven't lived this. She's already said that she won't be letting her mother see the kids again. What more do you want?

@saraclara so sorry this happened to you

What would you report to the police, Ops child vandalised the house and was then hit by Gran?

@cdtaylornats

What would you report to the police, Ops child vandalised the house and was then hit by Gran?

Wow! Hyperbole much?

Child (aged 5) broke picture frame. Probably accidentally. Gran hit child with broken glass from picture frame.

There is no way that's 'reasonable chastisement'

@cdtaylornats are you just trying to be goady and minimising an abusers actions or do you really need telling?

A woman with a past of being abusive to children swore at and hit a young child with broken glass, leaving him injured, all because the child threw a pillow which broke a picture.

If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

Seriously OP please don't tell me an 'apology' would help you 'understand' why she apparently intentionally hit your child with a broken frame and caused such a nasty injury.

Don't let her anywhere near your children in the future and seriously consider reporting her to the Police.

My mum was like this. I left home at 18 because she tried to kill me then phoned the police and said I'd attacked her. I thought for years she'd only lost it like this once or twice a year, then I actually sat down and realized, holy shit, it was about once a week that she'd go for me or my sister. When we were good, she seemed like the best mum ever, but it was so hard to be in her good books, and when we'd been bad, she was terrifying. Leaving was the hardest thing in the world because I felt so ungrateful, and for years after leaving I was saving up to pay her back every penny she spent on raising me. That's how brainwashed I was.
I've tried to make sense of it for 15 years.

You are just opening your eyes and starting to realise what's happened all your life is narcissistic abuse.

You say your DM and DDad have divorced, but your family is close. Are you close with him? Or has she thoroughly discarded him and told you all how terrible he was to her (always based on the tiniest grain of truth)? Did he know what used to happen to you and your siblings? Will going NC with her mean you can spend more time with him?

I was shocked as an adult to discover no one around us knew she was doing it to us. They all thought when she lost it at them, it was them specifically she was doing it to and no one else. None of them had saved us because they assumed wrongly she only did the things they'd seen her do (to them, not to us).

I'm still traumatized by it all. Please take time to process all this and don't get sucked back in by her fake-nice act. Re-evaluate your whole childhood. When you see it, you cannot unsee it. And today you have started to see it. You'll know there's only one thing to do (full No Contact) when you let yourself look at past events properly.

Well there goes this namechange.

@Ilovenewyear

Firstly, I’d suggest getting some medical advice for your child if it is a nasty cut. It might be at risk of infection.

If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand
Really? Never ever again, would that person have any relationship with me or my child. Honestly. Apology or not.

She’ll do it again OP.

This.

Sad as it is, my mother has never and will never meet my children for this reason.

You thought she'd changed, it's not your fault. She seemed stable for a long time so do not blame yourself for what happened.

But now that this has happened, you have to put your children first and they should not be near her again, ever. Violence to a child if allowed to continue can do lifelong damage so it's not an option to continue contact between her and your children.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You sound very kind and it's just awful. Your poor DS.

@cdtaylornats

What would you report to the police, Ops child vandalised the house and was then hit by Gran?

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

Absolutely mad that @cdtaylornats thinks if a child accidentally breaks something it's ok to assault and verbally abuse them. I hope this poster does not have children or grandchildren.

@cdtaylornats Are you quite well?