My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

Not bothering to seek medical treatment for an injured child who may have shards of glass in their hand is far more likely to get a negative comparison. Especially as a 2 inch long, deep gash, is a significant injury on the size of a 5yo.

The child has been attacked - that’s fact we know that.

But we don’t know to what extent - the OPs mum “forgot” and the child isn’t old enough to explain what happened properly. Who’s to say the child didn’t fall and bash his head when this happened? Or the mum didn’t forcefully twist his arm?

Surely most people would get their 5 year old child checked out ASAP after they had been attacked by a full grown adult.

the OP has rolled back from the 2" deep gash thing now. Seems there was a bit of understandable hyperbole going on when she first posted in shock.

The OP has backed tracked most probably because PPs were questions why she hadn’t taken him to A&E

If she wasn't your mother, if someone else that you left your child in the care of assaultednyour child and made them bleed, what would you do?

Some of the responses on this thread are unnecessarily harsh. OP is likely in shock. She has likely been abused and gaslighted her whole life by her mother. A dynamic like that can not be undone in an instant.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper*

I'm sorry this has happened to you and your children, and that you seem to be in denial about your Mum's behaviour. It must be really hard to come to terms with how you were treated as a child. I hope your sons hand is ok. It's very difficult to weigh up whether to wake a sleeping child up to get a cut seen at A&E or wait until the morning. Can you go super early in the morning? Get everything ready this evening (drinks/snacks/shoes etc)

Your ability to appraise risk is skewed by your childhood experiences. Which is understandable and probably not even conscious. We shut things out.

I'm 65, and didn't realise how much I'd shut out until a few years ago, my younger brother confided how much guilt he'd felt all his life for not protecting me the day my mum pushed me down the stairs.
I had absolutely no recollection of her doing that until he mentioned it. Then it all came back. 50 years later.

Give OP a break. It's easy to say what you would and wouldn't do when you haven't lived this. She's already said that she won't be letting her mother see the kids again. What more do you want?

I’m sorry OP, growing up in that environment is extremely difficult. I don’t think some of the comments are entirely fair with regards to you having massively messed up. A lot of victims of the type of abuse you suffered growing up continue to have functioning, even close, relationships with the parent and forever want to see the good in that parent. There is a huge element of sub conscious minimising of her behaviour ‘well I must have done something to bring that on, so some of it’s my fault’. It sounds like you did what you thought was right with regards to never leaving your DC entirely alone with her, particularly given that her behaviour had seemingly ceased since the divorce.

Focus on what next not on beating yourself up. Get your son’s hand sorted, think through how to address this with her directly or indirectly (police), keep your DC away and reconsider that relationship going forward, get yourself some support or counselling. So sorry for your DC, and for you.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, your siblings, and now your dc. Your childhood has skewed your perception of acceptable behaviour I'm afraid, and you (and your siblings) need to seek out some counselling/therapy to help you realise and deal with that. I hope your trip to a&e tomorrow shows no lasting damage to your sons hand and you do take their advice on reporting this.

I also hope you sit both dc down and calmly explain to them that what granny did was very very wrong and she shouldn't have behaved in that way, everyone gets angry at times but no one should ever hurt anyone else on purpose. Breaking the picture was an accident and granny should not have shouted and absolutely should not have hurt him because of it. And it was not their fault at all. And they don't ever have to see granny again if they don't want to.

I personally wouldn't be seeing your dm again in your shoes, but i would absolutely not even entertain the idea until she acknowledges what she did, admits that she was in the wrong and apologises, initially to you and ultimately to your dc once you are convinced she can do that sincerely. However I'd be willing to bet she never will. Good luck op

@hopsalong

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if someone has already said this. I would normally report it to the police, but presumably you were breaking rules by seeing her at all? If not and she's in your bubble, then you weren't, but I think it makes any case a bit flimsy (because onus on you to explain why you chose to bubble with her in the first place).

It sounds almost psychotic, if she's becoming violent in a rage and then having no memory of the episode. I hope your son's OK.

What an awful day for you. Very sorry you have to deal with this shit.

@hopsalong it's all there in the OP. They're bubbled. Mum is divorced.

Not to be alarmist (and I’m usually the last to go to A&E) but I’d really want someone medical to have a look tonight - if such damage was done that it needed stitches/ at worst surgery there may be a short window in which such things can happen.

@saraclara

Your ability to appraise risk is skewed by your childhood experiences. Which is understandable and probably not even conscious. We shut things out.

I'm 65, and didn't realise how much I'd shut out until a few years ago, my younger brother confided how much guilt he'd felt all his life for not protecting me the day my mum pushed me down the stairs.
I had absolutely no recollection of her doing that until he mentioned it. Then it all came back. 50 years later.

Give OP a break. It's easy to say what you would and wouldn't do when you haven't lived this. She's already said that she won't be letting her mother see the kids again. What more do you want?

@saraclara that sounds terrifying. I hope you’re ok. Long forgotten memories can be very traumatic to try and process as an adult

I'm sorry to read what you're going through and agree that you should seek medical attention first to ensure he is ok. Just to advise that when you do disclose to nurse/doctor, they will be duty bound to refer to social care as an injury has been caused non accidentally. Please ensure that you do this, this was not your fault. I would advise you report to the police and hopefully, your mother may take time to reflect on her behaviours and hopefully seek help. It is interesting that she does not deny what happened but moreover, can't remember; similar to the experiences you described in your childhood which was clearly emotionally abusive. If there is no action taken, I worry your mother will continue to rationalise her behaviours which she appears to have done for many years. Take care

Don't you think it's suspicious that you had your back turned and this happened though? I'm not saying it was deliberate but something is going on with her. she said she would care for them and the next thing is this.

I would never have anything to do with her ever again. I would certainly never let her see the kids again. She doesn't even apologise? No. Just no. Too coincidental that this happened when it happened.

This is awful OP. I dont think any of you should see her again. You have had a lifetime of minimising what she did to you but this is so far from ok.
She's out of control and you can never trust her again. And she hasn't even apologised.

Perspective from another child of abuse:

You are completely minimising this situation and the abuse that happened today, exactly as you were trained to as a child.

Full kudos to your mother: she did a very good job as an abuser, that you cannot immediately see how serious this is.

The vast majority of pps agree that this is a tragic example of child abuse, that the child should have been taken to A&E by a responsible adult, and that you should cut off contact with your mother.

While I get that you'll still be in shock and processing, you are also neglecting to put your child first. Don't you wish that someone had put you first when your mother was abusing you as a child?

You have a stark choice to make in your priorities now: your mother, or your DC's safety and well-being. You can't have both after this incident.

I really hope, for your DC's sake, that you make the right choice.

21:01KevinTheBird
Report her to the police
What if she had hit him over the head or eye?
Your mum is a crap human

I know she is your mum and you’re obviously enmeshed in this dysfunctional dynamic, but that can’t be your priority here.

It doesn’t matter why she does this or how well meaning she is or seems 99% of the time. The fact is that she attacked a five year old with broken glass. Hopefully he will be ok but it could have been incredibly serious incredibly fast. She still shows no awareness, not that that would make a difference. And this happened almost straight away the very first time she was alone with them. She is a danger to others, a potentially life threatening one.

As you obviously realise from what you have said upthread, it’s not just as simple as making sure she is never alone with them again. You now have to help them recover from the trauma of this and show them that people who treat them that way do not get to see them or be part of the family.

I would suggest you cut off contact with your DM, even if you have to tell yourself it is just for now, and seek professional help to get a perspective on your family and past.

Social Worker here...

It sounds awful for you and your child, I hope you are both as ok as you can be.

Get the wound checked, they will make a safeguarding referral once you explain how it happened but please don’t worry about that, you have acted protectively by removing your child from the situation as soon as you became aware.

I hope you have support around you as I image it is going to be tough for you to process the impact on your relationship with your mother.

Oh, and obviously make sure that your dc don’t feel responsible in any way for the aftermath of this episode whatever effect it has on family relationships.

I forgot to add to my post, in echo of what’s others people have said really, it really should be reported to the police and it is a question that social services will ask you and a decision they may take out of your hands anyway.

This has chilled my blood.

I do leave DD with my parents (pre pandemic), having assumed my mother has 'changed', and with the mutual understanding that if she ever dared to raise a hand to DD she'd never see any of us again. She's been non-abusive for about 10 years, nothing physical for about 20. I only leave her with my parents in the day, and when both are present, and no alcohol.

Think this through. This is the first time you've trusted her, and within 20 minutes she's attacked your child with broken glass? Says she doesn't remember?

All I can say is be thankful it was his hand, what could have happened doesn't bear thinking about.

I'd never see or speak to her again. I'd only hope for DD's sake I'd be calm enough in the moment that I wouldn't end up in a cell for my reaction.

I am shocked by the OP though haven't read the whole thread. I would keep away from her from now on.

Easier said than done just telling the op to cut her mum out of her life just like that!! It’s what I’d also suggest - and what I would say I’d do if it happened to me!

But it’s not an easy thing to do - just to decide on the spot you will never see her ever again - it takes time to process. Everyone needs to get off their high horse and should be more supportive to the poster - most people are just being super aggressive
She said she’s taking her son to the hospital tomorrow, she’s talked to her siblings about it - she isn’t going to see her mum tomorrow

She needs some time to work this all out in her head - it’s an awful shock!

@Inkpaperstars

Oh, and obviously make sure that your dc don’t feel responsible in any way for the aftermath of this episode whatever effect it has on family relationships.

Yep. That worries me too. If this runs and runs and causes bad blood, your DC is going to be blaming himself for throwing that cushion in the first place and 'causing' all this. Please make sure he doesn't start thinking that way, OP.